He woke up with a splitting headache. He’d been having them for quite a while now. He sat up and held his head in his palms like he would attempt to take out the headache like an annoying DVD from the player. He was sweating and the Power Holding Company of Nigeria was holding power as usual. He checked the time on his phone.
1.35 am.
The ache seemed to be increasing as he got up to get his towel in the bathroom. As he stood u, he felt a wave of dizziness and he staggered to the wall for support. He regained his orientation and went on to the bathroom where he soaked his small towel in water and wrapped the damp towel around his head.
The constant headache started about 2 months ago. He couldn’t exactly place the date because there didn’t seem to be anything unusual about the aches until it got too bad. He remembered calling Mum and she said it was most probably stress. This isn’t stress, he told her because he had been very idle at his place of primary assignment. Or malaria, Mum said, go for a test. Hospitals, Lai lai.
He ju7st could not help but remember Dad now. He had gone a hospital but it did not help matters.
“Fred, you should go for the test” Mum insisted.
“I’ll try” He answered and terminated the call.
Fred recalled that day he’d never forget. November 16th 2006. It was the annual convocation ceremony of the University of Ibadan. He was then dreaming of his the next year. Mum, Dad and the boys will be there. Dad smiling from ear to ear, feeling on top of the world for his son-his first son- was graduating with a first class in Computer science.
It came to pass, that is, the graduate and firs class in computer science part but not Mum and Dad’s presence. Dad died on the 17th of November 2006 from complications after an appendectomy. Mum was too busy at work to make sure the family survived at least until Fred gets a job and the mum couldn’t afford the transport fare for the boys to come. So it was just Fred and without a gown-no money for that either.
Fred had and in fact still has big plans for the future. Get a very good job, probably one of the oil companies, take the family out of the room and parlour they lived into a 3-bedroom flat. That was just the beginning. He’d work for not more than 2 years then apply for a study leave so he would go to MIT, Harvard or Caltech for a masters and PhD in Artificial Intelligence. From there, a Nobel prize. He smiled at the thought of this and the ache subsided and then peaked all of a sudden. He could barely see though the batteries of the torch light were new. He got to the bed and lay down. I’m not feverish, he thought. Another pain surge, he almost cried out in pain.
He rewrapped the wet towel around his forehead and prayed that God take the pain away. He thought of calling his neighbour for help but come to think of it, to do what? He asked himself. There was no point. He’d be fine by morning. He was always fine by morning. He found sleep almost immediately. A deep sleep.
The autopsy report showed that Fred died when a fist-sized tumour in his brain caused a stoppage to the flow of blood to his medulla oblongata which controls essential involuntary actions such as heart beat and breathing.

Oh poor Fred. what a sorry end

Wackness

a good story. can be developed into a novel if u want.
The thing is the sentence structures and dialogues are all jumbled up, nuttin a little editing/proof reading wont do

KevinKupr8:

Wackness

Definitely not!

I have only one major issue with your writing - the "DVD Player" thing. That simile doesn't quite fit. Overall, I like your writing. I do short pieces like you. Maybe it's time I posted some on Nairaland and squared up to people calling it wack and crappy.

janami:

a good story. can be developed into a novel if u want.
The thing is the sentence structures and dialogues are all jumbled up, nuttin a little editing/proof reading wont do

Writing novels isn't exactly as easy as writing these pieces. Off the record, do you write?

yep. short pieces. hvnt been able to bring myself to complete a novel yet. writimg one though.

Okay oh, he said Critique, remember that.

He woke up with a splitting headache.

(Catchy – Good)

He’d been having them for quite a while now.

He sat up and held his head in his palms like he would attempt to take out the headache like an annoying DVD from the player.

(This does nothing for the story, so just take it out)

He was sweating and the Power Holding Company of Nigeria was holding power as usual. He checked the time on his phone1.35 am.

The ache seemed to be increasing as he got up to get his towel in the bathroom.

(Remove the seemed to be coz it makes it a passive sentence)

As he stood up

(Redundant - you already told us he stood up)

He felt a wave of dizziness and he staggered to the wall for support. He regained his orientation and went on to the bathroom where he soaked his small towel in water and wrapped the damp towel around his head.

(Too many words for what is happening here. We know he’s going to the bathroom, don’t tell us again. Instead put us in there with him.

“He felt wave dizziness hit him and leaned on the wall for support. Taking deep breaths he waited for it to pass. In the bathroom, he soaked his small towel in water and wrapped it around his head”


The constant headache started about 2 months ago. He couldn’t exactly place the date because there didn’t seem to be anything unusual about the aches until it got too bad.

(Again too much words)


“He hadn’t thought anything unusual about the headaches when it started 2 months ago, he figured it would stop on its own but lately the pain had gotten worse.”

He remembered calling Mum and she said it was most probably stress. This isn’t stress, he told her because he had been very idle at his place of primary assignment. Or malaria, Mum said, go for a test. Hospitals, Lai lai.

(Passive sentence)

“Stress” his mom had said two weeks ago, when he called her but he had dismissed it. He didn’t have anything to be stressed about; his primary assignment with the Water board was nothing but paper pushing.

“Malaria then” she had countered and ordered him to go the hospital for tests.

He just could not help but remember Dad now. He had gone a hospital but it did not help matters.
(Something is off about this sentence. It does not give us a sense of continuity)

Hospital! Sure they’d help him alright, the same way they had helped his dad but he couldn’t tell her that so He made a half-hearted promise that he’d go and immediately hung up.

“Fred, you should go for the test” Mum insisted.
“I’ll try” He answered and terminated the call.

(No need for this because it interrupts the flow)

Fred recalled that day he’d never forget. November 16th 2006. It was the annual convocation ceremony of the University of Ibadan. He was then dreaming of his the next year. Mum, Dad and the boys will be there. Dad smiling from ear to ear, feeling on top of the world for his son-his first son- was graduating with a first class in Computer science. It came to pass, that is, the graduate and firs class in computer science part but not Mum and Dad’s presence. Dad died on the 17th of November 2006 from complications after an appendectomy.

(Is he remembering this event at the time the phone call was placed in the past or in the present, standing in the bathroom? It’s important because it helps with the way you construct your tenses. I think it should be from when phone call and which day couldn’t he forget? The day his dad died or his graduation? )

Mum was too busy at work to make sure the family survived at least until Fred gets a job and the mum couldn’t afford the transport fare for the boys to come. So it was just Fred and without a gown-no money for that either.

(What is this about? When did it happen? If Dad died a day after graduation November 17th, where are the boys coming to?)

Fred had and in fact still has big plans for the future. Get a very good job, probably one of the oil companies, take the family out of the room and parlour they lived into a 3-bedroom flat. That was just the beginning. He’d work for not more than 2 years then apply for a study leave so he would go to MIT, Harvard or Caltech for a masters and PhD in Artificial Intelligence. From there, a Nobel prize. He smiled at the thought of this and the ache subsided and then peaked all of a sudden. He could barely see though the batteries of the torch light were new. He got to the bed and lay down. I’m not feverish, he thought. Another pain surge, he almost cried out in pain.

(You didn’t cue us about the shift in time. . . past to present, now you’ve given us a serious case of whiplash. )

He rewrapped the wet towel around his forehead and prayed that God take the pain away. He thought of calling his neighbor for help but come to think of it, to do what? He asked himself. There was no point. He’d be fine by morning. He was always fine by morning. He found sleep almost immediately. A deep sleep.

The autopsy report showed that Fred died when a fist-sized tumor in his brain caused a stoppage to the flow of blood to his medulla oblongata which controls essential involuntary actions such as heart beat and breathing.

(This is the main the main of your story, don’t let it get lost in wordiness.)

The wet towel did nothing to abate his pain. For a second he toyed with the idea of asking his neighbor for help but changed his mind. He would be fine, he assured himself, all he needed was sleep.

The autopsy showed Fred had died from blood clot caused by a fist-sized tumor in his brain.


(Do you want to show that it could have been treated if he had gone to the hospital?)

Sisikill:

(You didn’t cue us about the shift in time. . . past to present, now you’ve given us a serious case of whiplash. )

Whiplash? Oh, come on. Anyway, just off the record, have you read Half Of A Yellow Sun? The time transition thing that Adichie pulled off there almost made me drop the book, because I didn't understand it at first. Maybe that kind of time transition isn't so bad afterall, I kind of like jumping like that when I'm reading.

And, you harsh ooo.

Harsh? I was Harsh? Oh man, that was not my intention. I only did it the way my Prof used to do it. . . Oh wait, I never liked my Prof coz I thot he was. . . yikes!

Profmutant, apparently, I have become my prof, sorry about that.


@ mactao
I haven't read it, although I've read rave reviews about it. I hope to get to it before the end of the year (so many stupid projects getting in the way of my reading). I understand what you mean about shift in time and in my opinion, it works well with novels and long stories coz the reader has time to get themselves together. With shorties, they are already getting too much too soon, cueing them that time is about to shift, gets them mentally prepared for it, so they're not going. . . "Wait, what?" JMO.

thanks guys. I'l try again

dont "try again" simply try to incorporate the many suggestions while staying true to ur own style thats very important
dont do short stories tho so my view will be different from short story writers

okay guys, this is for the few sincere critics we have here, Sisikill and the others, i just finished my manuscript and i need someone to proofread and edit, thiis is my yahoo id, just send me a mail asking for the manu script,
, vividstatements@yahoo.com
08038261338