Joke 1


Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.
My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Joanne, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”
We went to lunch but not where we’d normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” I replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”
After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.
And I just sat there…
On the couch…
Naked.



Joke 2
Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a shit."

The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and shit."

The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass." The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"

The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"

He left and came back with shit all over his hands and clothes.

His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"

The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"

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@poster nice one dan
uhm, d first joke was posted before
and the second one was hilarious real blonde!

Thanks

more is cming on da way

@ Dani

You are really funny.

Love the second joke!!!

Kip 'em coming

GOOD TRIAL, BUT PUT MORE EFFORT TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE ME LAUGH. WHAT OF THESE , TWO MEN WERE DISCUSSING OR DO I SAY GOSSIP, THE 1ST SAID, EVER SINCE I MARRIED MY WIFE, I HAVE ALWAYS SPENT MY SALARY TO BUY COLOURED BULBS, COLOURED BLUE PRECISELY, THE 2ND ASKED"WHY?" HE ANSWERED 'MY WIFE SAY SHE ENJOY DOING IT ON THE SKY' YOU ARE LUCKY SAYS THE 2ND MAN 'MY WIFE PREFER DOING IT WITH LIGHT OFF EVEN TIED HER FACE WITH BLACK SCARF, 'WHAT WAS HER REASON' ASKED THE 1ST MAN, 'SHE SAID SHE DIDN'T WANT TO SEE ME ENJOYING MY SELF' REPLY THE 2ND MAN :[color=#000099][/color]

@wale
stale,
nice try sha
put more effort to make people like me laff

Abbygyal:

lmao!
@poster
nice one

True talk

Nice ones :-):-)

;d ;d ;d ;d ;d

You not fit show ya teeth. Only me as I;m pro

See See See

[size=18pt]JOKE 3[/size]
One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better. 






[size=18pt]JOKE 4[/size]
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

[size=18pt]JOKE 6[/size]

There was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory. One day he came home and told his wife that he had been fired from his job. She began to scream and yell, "You have given them twenty years of devoted service. Why did they fire you?"

"For twenty years I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer," he explained, "and today I finally did it!"

The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done. "You look okay," she said with a sigh of relief. "So what happened to the pickle slicer?"

"Well," he said with hesitation, "they fired her, too."

dan1luv. welldone

gabrywyl:

You not fit show ya teeth. Only me as I;m pro

See See See

na who ask you

[size=18pt]more, [/size]

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."




more to come

Nice ones

@wale02
thanks man

@cbase
thanks buddy

more,

yabsssssssss, yu're so dummmmmmb

You got locked in a grocery store and starved to death!

A doctor would live next door while you bleed to death trying to call 911!

You cant count to 21 because you its too high for your fingers and toes!

You used a knife to bust open the door then discoverd it was unlocked!

You were in a food market and asked where they keep the tools!

You put lipstick on the dog to test because the bottle said Not tested on animals and dicided to try it yourself!

You looked for a K-Jewelers by a K-B-Toys!

You stared at your kids juice box because it said concentrated!

You kept buying Coke bottles because it kept sayin Try Again!

You cant figure out the instructions for a pencil sharpener!

You decided not to buy your little girl a game boy because you thought it was for boys!

You looked in an Encyclopedia for the meaning of Practical joke and couldnt find it!

You then looked in a Dictionary for the meaning of practical jokes and it said turn to Spare time and it said 2Wasted time and to turn to practical joke and, repeated, repeated, repeated,

You couldnt find the zipper for your pants!

Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?

Teacher: no, of course not.

Sam: good, because i didn't do my homework.
__________________________________________________________

more yabbs

Yo mamma so ugly when she was born, your mother said, "What a treasure!" and your father said, "Yea lets go bury it".

You so short you have to look up to look down

Yo mama's so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon.

Yo mama's so fat, she sets off car alarms when she runs.

Yo mama's so fat she needs a watch on both arms because she covers two time zones

Yo mama's so fat when she goes to a restaurant she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.

N.B. : - I WAS NOT DIRECTING THIS INSULT TO ANY ONE. IT just yabbbsssssss

tufe, since when you ask anything to begin with

@myakali

u don dey post non sense these days

diamonleda is thinkin, really hard, and has finally come to d conclusion of leavin nairaland,

oda bo

No odabo's are allowed in here bobo.

diamonleda:

diamonleda is thinkin, really hard, and has finally come to d conclusion of leavin nairaland,

who dey hold ya legs who beg you. dey go. oda bo

thanku for telling him oh

Several weeks ago, we hired a new blonde secretary who wasn't the
brightest crayon in the box. One day when she was typing, she turned
to another secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What
do I do?"

"Just use the copier machine paper," the other responded. With that,
the blonde took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the
photocopier, and proceeded to make five blank copies.


















Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman. Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged him and let him do his thing.

Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"

"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"

"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"

:d :d :d :d

Old man, where all ya teeth?

they are hia