hispinkolo: I'm talking too much shaa but it seems people are not too eager to say anything..

Now,if it were me and I notice hubby has an erec tion,I probably would attribute it to me..I'd be feeling funky as per the mistress of arousal or I'd ask him what the hell he was thinking of and laugh it away..It would never occur to me to associate it with him carrying our daughter.
So there is definitely something wrong somewhere..something that doesn't feel right to you and you shouldn't just shrug it away. Your relationship with hubby also seems to have a problem have you both talked to someone?an elder or your pastor or a marriage counsellor? Suspecting your husband as a potential molester will do your head in eventually cos you'll never be able to relax when your baby is with him.
Are there other things that are appearing as red flags to you? Does he behave suspicious when with her?You need to ask yourself these questions and do a quick family tracing for the hubby just to reassure yourself.Is there any uncle or great grand daddy that was funny with kids?

Hopefully it's nothing but better safe than sorry..

As andromida rightly said,you have valid reasons to be concerned so you have every right to ask and be assuaged..why were you begging him?you said you asked jokingly..the erec tion is always there for you to see so at least you deserve some sort of explanation.His behaviour is not right and you both need to address it please.

Yeah, initially I thought it was because of me but situations around these occurrences and his actions afterwards proved otherwise. Asking him what he is thinking will be greeted by "nothing", I am tired of asking him about what is on his mind. I don't want this issue to further complicate issues as it might be nothing actually. He doesn't let go of utterances and he might keep referring to my fears later in future.

This issue is very sensitive, involving others may cause disaster, how will I even explain it? I am able to say it here because it is a faceless forum.

As for the begging issue, I don't beg him all the time especially when I know I have done nothing wrong. But in this case, I have to as I may just be fearful for nothing. Other times when he clamps up for no reason I can't point to, I just let him be until he comes around., may take days.

Temi,
I don't mean involving others for this issue oo..That would lead to major catastrophe especially if it turns out to be nothing..I mean for the communication issue you both have as per his clamming up and since he won't talk to you.I actually will not advise involving 3rd parties unless the situation is now beyond what a person can deal with.
You are doing the right thing by raising your concerns as long as you weren't attacking him..Stay strong!

temi4God:

Yeah, initially I thought it was because of me but situations around these occurrences and his actions afterwards proved otherwise. Asking him what he is thinking will be greeted by "nothing", I am tired of asking him about what is on his mind. I don't want this issue to further complicate issues as it might be nothing actually. He doesn't let go of utterances and he might keep referring to my fears later in future.

This issue is very sensitive, involving others may cause disaster, how will I even explain it? I am able to say it here because it is a faceless forum.

As for the begging issue, I don't beg him all the time especially when I know I have done nothing wrong. [b]But in this case, I have to as I may just be fearful for nothing. [/b]Other times when he clamps up for no reason I can't point to, I just let him be until he comes around., may take days.

In this case you are doing nothing wrong unless being a caring mother is wrong. Which mother will see this and not ask? not be concerned?

hispinkolo: Temi,
I don't mean involving others for this issue oo..That would lead to major catastrophe especially if it turns out to be nothing..I mean for the communication issue you both have as per his clamming up and since he won't talk to you.I actually will not advise involving 3rd parties unless the situation is now beyond what a person can deal with.
You are doing the right thing by raising your concerns as long as you weren't attacking him..Stay strong!

I have suggested counselling before or having an older couple as our mentor. He said no since they may not understand or believe in his own way of running a family and that he doen't believe in living his life according to others people's dictate. He believes he knows what he wants for himself and that I should take my time and understand him.

temi4God:

I have suggested counselling before or having an older couple as our mentor. He said no since they may not understand or believe in his own way of running a family and that he doen't believe in living his life according to others people's dictate. He believes he knows what he wants for himself and that I should take my time and understand him.

Someone ones told me " A man can get an erection from strange places but that's why there is a brain to control both the man and his erection".There is hardly a man that will be willing to discuss this, please just keep an eye on the child and stop begging him.

.

DIDIVA:

My dear, we're in the same boat! Honestly! My own in laws have a terrible attitude; so bossy, domineering, control freaks! But I don't allow them boss me at all, they only end up manipulating my hubby. But what annoys me the most is that hubby sometimes joins his family to single me out and hide their family issues from me. So now, I mind my business eh well well

that was a long one.

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Hello Peopleeeeee
Hope everyone is doing fantastic!


@DIDIVA
it is well..as I'll always say,keep doing your best and face front.It's quite difficult to do,but it gets easier with time.

I think that most nice guys,or lemme say the people pleasers are just this way..Everyone must be made happy at all times..well,everyone except you probably because he knows if he offends you,he can come home and beg and you'll forgive.The price we have to pay.


@cococandy,Your hubby needs to come and teach us how to be so organised!sometimes,I'm just a mess no matter how hard I try.


NUMBER 2 THING I LOVE ABOUT HUBBY


He is nice...everyone likes him.Nice to the extent of displeasing himself just so everyone else will be happy.
This is a trait I love and hate at the same time..I love the fact that my whole family love him,and use him as a standard to measure most guys.I love when I'm the focus of his niceness..I hate it when everyone else enjoys the niceness at my expense.Am I being selfish?Maybe I don't like sharing? Or maybe I'm not that sacrificial.No,I think I'm a reasonable person judging by my track record.I just don't like feeling cheated all in the name of pleasing people.
I sometimes wonder if I'd have preferred a normal guy who is just okay to Mr Nice guy.

FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE


I remember one time when one blessed babe kept calling him cos she wanted advice on some wierd stuff.I picked up a few times cos he was sick of her calls but Mr Nice guy couldn't say my friend stop calling me over useless things because the babe was introduced to him by his brother.she used to ask weird stuff like weight loss advice as if my hubby is a gym instructor
Omo,I told the man to dismiss her OR extra pepper in food.So he resorted to not answering her calls at all.She then sent some sort of rude text saying yea she knows he must be busy but he should at least try to pick her call or call back,that she needs help,who knows if he will need help tomorrow etc.I turned the 'you go die today' eye on hubby and he called her right there,answered her questions curtly and dropped the phone.
Next couple of days she sent him an invite to her graduation..We also knew people graduating so we went.I baffed up well well..killer jumpsuit,high heels,well manicured nails,everything was hot I even had to praise myself.I was giddy with delight when other dudes were looking at me and suddenly hubby was holding my hand,trying to hold my waist etc.

Finally,I heard a shrill voice saying hello to hubby..When I looked ehhh I hissed spiritually..so this is the cockroach that has been disturbing our phone?She got a gooood look at me,a good whiff of my perfume,ended up serving me correct pepper soup that night and that was it.She disappeared.

I don't know why I was so worked up..I think I had excess energy and at the time I was sooo fearful of the dreaded 'cheating'..I should have trusted that he knew where to draw the line but I just felt Abeg his Mr Nice Guy persona may be sending the wrong message or in some way trying not to hurt her feelings by telling her to stop calling.

Now I'm older I don't bother myself,I cringe when I remember how I was making such a fuss over rubbish..We are both adults,and both responsible for our actions and he hasn't ever given me any reason to be suspicious,neither have I given him any reason to suspect me so far.We are both doing what we can..I know I'm not giving my best yet(after getting hurt by his nonsense niceness) but we are doing great and are happy..one day at a time.I know the time is coming when I'll be free once more and love back without reservation.

I'm ramblinggg o jare!

hispinkolo:
Hello Peopleeeeee
Hope everyone is doing fantastic!


@DIDIVA
it is well..as I'll always say,keep doing your best and face front.It's quite difficult to do,but it gets easier with time.

I think that most nice guys,or lemme say the people pleasers are just this way..Everyone must be made happy at all times..well,everyone except you probably because he knows if he offends you,he can come home and beg and you'll forgive.The price we have to pay.


@cococandy,Your hubby needs to come and teach us how to be so organised!sometimes,I'm just a mess no matter how hard I try.


NUMBER 2 THING I LOVE ABOUT HUBBY


He is nice...everyone likes him.Nice to the extent of displeasing himself just so everyone else will be happy.
This is a trait I love and hate at the same time..I love the fact that my whole family love him,and use him as a standard to measure most guys.I love when I'm the focus of his niceness..I hate it when everyone else enjoys the niceness at my expense.Am I being selfish?Maybe I don't like sharing? Or maybe I'm not that sacrificial.No,I think I'm a reasonable person judging by my track record.I just don't like feeling cheated all in the name of pleasing people.
I sometimes wonder if I'd have preferred a normal guy who is just okay to Mr Nice guy.

FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE


I remember one time when one blessed babe kept calling him cos she wanted advice on some wierd stuff.I picked up a few times cos he was sick of her calls but Mr Nice guy couldn't say my friend stop calling me over useless things because the babe was introduced to him by his brother.she used to ask weird stuff like weight loss advice as if my hubby is a gym instructor
Omo,I told the man to dismiss her OR extra pepper in food.So he resorted to not answering her calls at all.She then sent some sort of rude text saying yea she knows he must be busy but he should at least try to pick her call or call back,that she needs help,who knows if he will need help tomorrow etc.I turned the 'you go die today' eye on hubby and he called her right there,answered her questions curtly and dropped the phone.
Next couple of days she sent him an invite to her graduation..We also knew people graduating so we went.I baffed up well well..killer jumpsuit,high heels,well manicured nails,everything was hot I even had to praise myself.I was giddy with delight when other dudes were looking at me and suddenly hubby was holding my hand,trying to hold my waist etc.

Finally,I heard a shrill voice saying hello to hubby..When I looked ehhh I hissed spiritually..so this is the cockroach that has been disturbing our phone?She got a gooood look at me,a good whiff of my perfume,ended up serving me correct pepper soup that night and that was it.She disappeared.

I don't know why I was so worked up..I think I had excess energy and at the time I was sooo fearful of the dreaded 'cheating'..I should have trusted that he knew where to draw the line but I just felt Abeg his Mr Nice Guy persona may be sending the wrong message or in some way trying not to hurt her feelings by telling her to stop calling.

Now I'm older I don't bother myself,I cringe when I remember how I was making such a fuss over rubbish..We are both adults,and both responsible for our actions and he hasn't ever given me any reason to be suspicious,neither have I given him any reason to suspect me so far.We are both doing what we can..I know I'm not giving my best yet(after getting hurt by his nonsense niceness) but we are doing great and are happy..one day at a time.I know the time is coming when I'll be free once more and love back without reservation.

I'm ramblinggg o jare!

Wow dat great... U not rambling at all.. It just cooling of steam as I call it.. U feel a lot better and lighter. U should do so often.. Takia and enjoy ur marriage...

hi, am a new nairalander. i've been married for almost 3yrs without a child. my husband is a rare kind, he is so caring and understanding, he even set a standard for me with his family(they dnt mess with me). my mother-in-law is so harsh and she doesnt care about anytn. since we got married she hasnt ask for why there are delays. there's notng i do dat satisfy her. right now we are not on chatting terms cos she wants me to slave for others since i dont v a child of my one. anyone in the same boat?

Oh lord! Where have I been

@hispinkolo, girl I dey feel ur swag. Keep doing what you know how to do best.

@helen4.
My dear I cannot say I understand completely how you are feeling cos I was not in your shoes, but I have a sister who was. Though her case was made lighter cos her MIL was really nice and supportive, even somtimes when the hubby wants to be naughty, MIL always stands up 4 her. Until 12yrs later when God visited her with a baby boy. But the MIL was not around to share in the joy. God bless her soul.
But in your case, I'll seriously advice that you thread carefully. This one that you don't have a child yet, and MIL is being harsh, (which am not sure is as a result of you not having a child), if the baby eventually comes, I doubt if her attitude will change. Continue 2 be urself, don't give them the 'have pity on me' attitude. Be nice and couteous, do not overdo things, offer genuine assistance when you feel they need it, not eye-service. Concentrate on your family, hubby and takinh care of urself. Avoid anything that will give you stress unnecessarily, anxiety is not good at this time. When you make love with hubby, relax and enjoy it, avoid thinking 'will this one give us a baby'. Most importantly, turn to God in prayers, he is the God of impossibilities. Do not ignore medical check ups too. The God that did it for Hannah in the bible, the same God did it for my immediate elder sister after 12yrs, he equally did it for my friend after 5yrs. That same God will still do it for you. He has never failed in the history of time, he will not fail in your own time.
God bless you and enjoy your marriage.

Thanks Aunty Snazzylove,
May God continue to guide us,Amin.

@Helen4,
I was also not able to conceive for almost 2 years after getting married so I understand how frustrated and how in despair you can feel at times.
TTC (trying to conceive)no be beans...but you must hold on and be strong especially as you have a supportive partner.Many are beaten,tormented,harassed,ridiculed so at least thank God you have someone who is holding your hand and walking with you in this journey.

Have you gone to see a gynaecologist?Its 3 years so you both have to be proactive.Hormonal assay,hsg,ultrasound for you then seminal assay for your hubby.
You need to take your fertility in your hands..are you ovulating?do you chart your cycle?What of supplements for you and your hubby? How is your diet?have you considered using lubricants that help the swimmers?
TTC is very multifaceted but you have to start following up small small..
Most of all RELAX..it is tough to relax when you are anxious but a stressful environment is not conducive for conception.
There was a time that I had se x timetable,I was ready to hang upside down from tree as long as it would yield results..I marked ovulation day and would virtually ra pe hubby,whether he liked it or not.After the act I would sleep with my leg hanging and a pillow under my bot tom and yet no result.It was when i dealt with my health issue and relaxed that I got pregnant and had my beautiful daughter.

You even get sensitive and start being aggressive moody and depressed for no just cause.E get one kain smile pesin go smile that time and I'd start suspecting the person was laughing at me.Thats the pressure that comes with TTC but you can't let yourself get overwhelmed,small small steps will lead you to success.BUT you start from somewhere and that is by going to see a qualified medical personnel.

Pray,stay positive and visit the TTC thread in health section..a lot of people with the same experience and plenty encouragement.

For your MIL,my dear if she starts asking now you may say she's being nosy and putting pressure on you.Maybe she's just giving gap so that you and your hussy will sort yourselves out and not feel she's butting into your affairs.

How is she expecting you to slave for others?You haven't given enough information so can't say much except do what you can,be nice and polite and focus on loving your hubby,yourself,and your home. Don't allow yourself to be stressed for no good reason.

May God grant you your baby soon.

hispinkolo,

You can write....

You must have lived with Paul the Apostle

bellong: hispinkolo,

You can write....

You must have lived with Paul the Apostle

As in ehhhh....... but I really enjoy reading her epistles.

softsparkyy:
As in ehhhh....... but I really enjoy reading her epistles.

Same here o, she can "sabi" write... Na sidon read" I dey now. @ snazzylove U wan kill me with laugh "OR extra pepper in soup"
I have a similar nature with your hubby sha, but life and my fiance is teaching me a lot o...
@helen4, I am prayin for you. Remain blessed

I don't get it Helen4. You say your husband's got your back so how's his mother still treating you bad?

I never get it when I hear how some in-laws treat their... well their in-laws.

My parents treat my wife the very same way they treat my sister. My mother in-law treats me like her 6th child. So personally, I have no experience whatsoever with nasty in-laws.

I supposed it is as a result of our "kinsman" mentality. A me against the world kind of thing. The arabs will say "me and my brother against our people, me and my people against the world" why should we be against anyone?

If your husband protects you well, why should you have issues with his mother? Or do you just expect issues that whatever she does you read issues into it. Too many women expect their husbands to misbehave that they see any thing he does as cheating or misbehaviour.

We are to seek the other person's interest over ours. If we all do that, just imagine how much peace we would live in.

LewsTherin: The arabs will say "me and my brother against our people, me and my people against the world" why should we be against anyone?
.

Can you explain this proverb

This thread has been an eye opener


@Snazzylove, thanks for starting the thread @hispinkolo, thanks for contributing to it and making it come alive. And to everyone who has come here to educate the single crew, thank you.

May God bless your homes.


Its just hard to believe that when you look at wedding pictures online, there could be something wrong with the marriage or relationship. Especially on bellanaija, everyone looks so good it hurts.




Anyways I am not married but I stumbled on one of my aunt-in-law's post online. I didn't know she didnt like her MIL o, she is the greatest pretender of all time. , she even used her real name, that was when NL had a lot of the old crew.



My aunt which is her MIL is a very difficult person but she doesn't do it intentionally and she isn't partial. SHE DOES IT TO ANYONE EVEN HER KIDS. If she feels you should paint your house green and you say no, she will find a house decorator that will come and tell you the advantages of being eco-friendly . Till date she still does it. MIL's daughter married my uncle so we aren't even related but the woman acts like we all are (which isn't bad). My uncle is a big softie so he accommodates everything from ANYONE, all he does is stare at the wall behind her and say 'ok'.


Funny enough MIL doesn't yell or talk condescendingly, she will try to make it your idea or make it seem like you are the one who thought of it first until you agree and if you don't. . . she will find someone in your inner circle that will convince you. I have never heard anyone say no to her even our family head who is older than her until this my aunt-in-law married her son oooo.



I am close to this my aunt and she is veryyyyyyy blunt, she doesn't have time for jargons. She hates going out or doing anything for anyone, if you are doing party she will send message to you on FB, she won't call even if she has your number. MIL wanted her to

1. Learn our language
2. Raise the kids the way the MIL wants
3. Run errands for her on weekends that she is supposed to be sleeping or resting
4. Go for every engagement
5. Live with her because that was her last and only son etc

Aunt did it for like the first few months, she didn't mind but she told me and I gathered that she was losing herself in the process and for someone who grew up in a secluded town, she didn't like going out (which was her major issue). She told the husband to tell his mum that she should chill, I heard he said 'just tell me to go and die' . So obviously he never told her, the girl never did anything right in the sight of MIL (she can't cook and so on). She told her SIL's they said 'welcome to the club', everyone said they couldn't tell their mother because she does it to them too and the way she will react and spin it won't be expected.


She told her FIL, he told his wife to calm down. She did until few month's later she started again , she told FIL he was like 'Ignore her or do you expect me to keep helping, what if I am not here?'. Then she took a decision that shocked everyone, she moved . I am not talking to the next town i mean somewhere far that before you get there by road if you can't fly, you don enter one chance. This was 4 years into the marriage or so not too sure.




10 years later, they live apart. I have lived with aunt-in-law and she is a lovelyyyyyyyyy person, she and her husband talk everyday and aren't separated. They seem happily married because she is always on the phone with him gisting. She gave birth recently, her MIL told her to fly before she pushed that she has set up a room and so on, she missed her flight 'by mistake' . I think MIL got the message that she wants to be left alone .



But the fact I don't like is she doesn't even come down for Christmas, I know money is not beans with 5 kids but no one has seen the new kids all she does send pictures and skype and we are all living in the same Nigeria. Even the husband sees the kids like twice a year but it works for them so who am I? All her kids live far, everyone wants a right to their ideas .


MIL too is nice, when you are sick she will pamper you, cook for you, she can babysit from now till Heaven calls but when that spirit of 'lets' enters her oh God. I guess both their personalities were too far wide apart.

megamindmaster:
Sleep doesn't want to come again, after reading your friend's story @ snazzylove. One thing that we may not be thingking is that "cheating" that has become a lifestyle is now a spirit, and not just one careless act, and funny enough cheating always comes with lies(of course to cover track), behaviourial changes, you name them. Its just so better never to allow that spirit creep in the the union or relationship. What will always help this is total openeness and communication like Snazzylove always talks about. As a matter of fact ehhh, if a lady makes me have butterfly in my stomach(which hapened once or twice in the past), I tell my fiance oo. We talk about it. We take measure and before long, the person never existed. On one ocassion she notice I fancy a girl arround even as harmless as I was. She asked me and I didn't admit immediately. I did later admit and she wasn't happy. That caused some frictions and I took a decision that day, no more "ego", we'll talk about even the fly that flys around the house...lol.that is the foundation we layed, and we have been so healthy. To me, to be free and open is much more easier and better than lies and covering tracks here and there. My phone is her phone, her own is mine. We can make calls on behalf of each other and use our phones anytime. It so hurts me whenever I come across that word "cheating". I am not surprised this man can do this... Cheating opens a door to many other evils... God will help your friend @ snazzylove, she will have that baby. I don't know how but God will heal her heart and give her peace again.

You are a good man. Keep it up.

Mine is worse.my MIL and BIL stay with us despite they have 3 houses of their own.its been tough bt to make matters worse hubby will tell u 'its my house and u didnt give me money and u r d visitor ,if u aint comfortable move out''.marrige aint sweet i tell ya

Emioga: Mine is worse.my MIL and BIL stay with us despite they have 3 houses of their own.its been tough bt to make matters worse hubby will tell u 'its my house and u didnt give me money and u r d visitor ,if u aint comfortable move out''.marrige aint sweet i tell ya

it is well. just mind your own business in the house. be kind and nice to them. the lord is your strength.

Emioga: Mine is worse.my MIL and BIL stay with us despite they have 3 houses of their own.its been tough bt to make matters worse hubby will tell u 'its my house and u didnt give me money and u r d visitor ,if u aint comfortable move out''.marrige aint sweet i tell ya

oh mehn... I feel for you.. The lord is your strength, keep praying, don't interfere in their issues, make urself happy and am sure u wuld do just great.. I hope you have a job..

@temi i just moved into town from lagos so am seriously searching.hope to get one very fast.pple say i shud mind my bizness in d house hw does one actually do that?

Emioga: Mine is worse.my MIL and BIL stay with us despite they have 3 houses of their own.its been tough bt to make matters worse hubby will tell u 'its my house and u didnt give me money and u r d visitor ,if u aint comfortable move out''.marrige aint sweet i tell ya

When a husband tells his wife that she's the "visitor" in the home, then......

I don't know what to say but that ain't right. At all.

Emioga: Mine is worse.my MIL and BIL stay with us despite they have 3 houses of their own.its been tough bt to make matters worse hubby will tell u 'its my house and u didnt give me money and u r d visitor ,if u aint comfortable move out''.marrige aint sweet i tell ya

Some men are just pathetic!!!

Icherishu:
You are a good man. Keep it up.

Thanks a lot, remain blessed