It breaks my heart whenever I witness or hear about a couple experiencing turmoil. My primary focus as a relationship professional is to reach couples before they arrive at the decision to separate. I have a friend who often jokes that my work should only focus on those couples who are happy in love because they actually still care about their relationship and are willing to do what’s necessary to maintain that feeling.


There is some truth to that. Unfortunately, by the time most husbands and wives seek counseling, divorce has already become a very real option. Thoughts of divorce and conversations on separating will immediately alter the behavior of both partners and affect the effort put forth. The moment those words are used things change.

We must be careful as we navigate through the most difficult periods of marriage. Being selective with our words and still being able to speak life into our relationship will be crucial. Quitting is easy, but it takes a truly committed partner to stay and fight. Couples have to change their mind set and remain in a proactive mode, instead of a reactive one. Waiting to take action after you’ve arrived at your breaking point is risky. Let’s examine some of the reasons couples divorce and discuss how we can protect our marriage.

1. Someone cheated.

When someone has broken the trust, that journey toward recovery will have its share of twists and turns. However, it isn’t impossible. Couples have to be completely honest during the rebuilding process, once they actually choose to rebuild. Of course there is no hurt like the pain that surfaces from someone betraying your trust and being careless with your heart.

It’s heartbreaking and devastating. And it is okay to not only feel those emotions, but also share them with the partner who’s responsible. Couples typically feel they have to tiptoe around what is really happening in the relationship. The opposite is true. The cheating partner and the injured partner have to discover how they arrived at this place and be willing to listen as well as bring solutions to the table.

Sadly, not every marriage is infidelity safe. There are some individuals who don’t know how/nor care to be faithful. For those of us who do, we have to be truthful about our wants, needs and desires. Whenever we aren’t being fulfilled, being vocal and realistic (as loving as possible) will provide an opportunity for our spouse to correct and deliver. On the other hand, when we aren’t doing the fulfilling for our spouse’s needs, (without making any excuses), we have to step our spousal game up as well and take excellent care of our half of the marriage.

2. Divorce became a very real option.

Whoever tosses that ugly word “divorce” around initially is setting the tone for the relationship’s future. If you say it, you’re letting your partner know it has been considered. In some cases, it gives the other partner permission to throw in the towel. Who wants to put forth the energy or effort to be in a partnership with someone who doesn’t appear to be as committed. We must ask ourselves if we’ve personally done everything required to save our marriage, prior to arriving at the thought of divorce. Again, not using that word during arguments or when we’re frustrated is key. It’s irresponsible to say things we don’t mean without considering the impact it has on the marriage.

nored.

If you smell smoke, look for the fire and take emergency action. We can’t afford to pretend as though an issue doesn’t exist. Sleeping in separate rooms, not communicating and not being intimate for weeks on end, are red hot signs something is seriously wrong. A marriage can’t live if the partners are dead toward one another. We can’t be afraid to lovingly acknowledge and discuss our issues as a couple. Asking our mates how we can be a better spouse, making sacrifices, and taking action are all necessary.

4. Forgiveness is nonexistent.

Humans make mistakes, continuously. Since we aren’t perfect, we tend to make lousy decisions. Deciding to forgive our spouse, yet reliving and reminding them of their mistakes constantly is counterproductive. Not only does it keep the negative memory fresh in your mind, it pushes your partner even further away.

Not many adults would choose to remain in a situation where they are regularly considered the villain. Forgiveness doesn’t erase the error, it simply proves the commitment was strong enough to survive. Having a very real dialogue based on what we know about our mate is helpful. Questions to ask include “would my spouse purposely hurt me” or “if they had that choice to make over again, would they make it again knowing what they know now”? If your answer is no, forgiveness may be easier. If your answer is yes, continue to look for understanding by asking why. We must determine what we need from our partner to put us on the road to forgiveness.

5. Irreconcilable differences.

When couples recognize their issues/differences and ultimately decide the marriage is no longer worth making any personal changes, they throw in the towel. I often wonder where these differences come from. Were they there and the couple chose to ignore them? Usually what we see is what we get, especially true for those who dated a while before marriage. Those bad habits don’t surface overnight. Being honest about what you can and cannot tolerate in your relationship has to be considered prior to saying “I do”. It’s naive to think we have the power to change someone else.

Marriages require our undivided attention. Relaxing in your marriage, ignoring our spouse’s needs and being selfish are relationship sins. We can, however, protect our marriages. Being aware and clear on what your relationship needs to thrive and being active in keeping your commitment are excellent tools to maintain a solid marriage.

Source: theboldersister.com

Another sign,and wonder list.

MrKnowitall: When a marriage fails, blame the woman. Blame the woman now, blame the woman tomorrow, blame the woman forever. In fact, blame her and her mother. I just saved you some time.

bloody sexist.
I think modern day couples dont get what marriage all about.

The first point is just a very cogent reason for divorce,not every partner can cope with infidelity.

I really do hope that the rate of seperations will reduce with good counselling.

Many pple jump in2 marriage wtout carefully lookin @ d strength and weakness of eachoda. They have to knw if both parties are compatible. Some pple mak decision y angry. Som hardly say "sorry" even afta knwing they wea @ fault. Afta a period of frdship or courtship, u can decide welda such person x gud 4 u or nt!!!!!

Noted

I will keep this in mind.