Guys, Ladies, men, women, Mummys and Daddys I need your help and advice


Here is my Story:

This November will clock 5years of my relationship with my guy which I love real much from the depth of my heart. My relationship started in 2003, we were still young then but could still manage to handle relationship.we have always been there for eachother with the ups and downs of life but there is a problem, my guy cant stand me speaking with a male friend or even have a male's number on my phone, he checks all the names in my phone and even sometimes make attempt to call any male's number or delete the number. I asked him to wait for sex since I thought of keeping my body till marriage time but he insisted and I gave my virginity to him after 4years of dating him. Not long after that he started accusing me of flirting around men which isnt true,he talks of me not being comfortable speaking with him when I'm at work and even accused me of sleeping with my bosses and my co-workers. He imagine things that are not realistics and attached it to the relationship like saying I mention names while in bed with him but only mentioned his name. we both do mid-night calls and during one of the nights when he called me in my sleep, he accused me of mentioning a name I dont even know the bearer, please house is it possible to mention a name you dont know in your sleep? To me I still dont think I mention any name that night but my guy has ever been capitalising on it and he's the type that doesnt forgive and forget easily because he stills talk about issues that happened last 2years. I know very well he loves me so much and i also do but there has never been a month happiness between us, he causes it most of the time by raising issues of me flirting all the time. Not long that he called me being at work and was raising issue of me not being at work but at somewhere else fucking myself, I was mad for that word but didnt talk and later asked me to say I love Him to prove I wasnt elsewhere but because I was mad with him, I declared from saying it and ever since he has been making me worthless, useless and rating me low. though he doesnt base in Lagos while I stay in Lagos but that shouldnt be the problem between us since we still see eachother anytime we want and I have always kept my body only for him. I have met his Family they all like me and my mum also knows him but dont know why we always fight, argue and raise issues all the time. I'm the cool type and always calm for him anytime there is an issue but he always believe in himself and that he is never wrong. please house is it true that long relationships dont last or maybe that is what's affecting my relationship or what could it be.


I'm sorry that the story is long but it's more than this because it's my life. please Help Me

What advice are you looking for exactly

Gamine:

What advice are you looking for exactly

Counselling

@Poster,
Run! Ditch him!

I have worked with women fleeing domestic violence here in London. Your guy has all the characteristics of violent men.

I am not sure, whether he has not already started slapping your face and pulling you aggressively.

You can still find a man that, can trust you.

If you marry him, he will NOT change but get worse. If you believe he will change, you have smth else coming.

Fast and tell God to give you, your own husband. God did it for me and He can do it for you!

Good luck!

From a Sista!

Why on earth are you with this jerk

YES you deserve better.

So walk out the door and find better.

Seriously. Why are you with him?

Just cannot figure it out.

@poster,

I wonder what you need counselling for

If its not obvious to you by now.

You obviously didnt think much of "virginity"

so i think its best you leave that dude, ASAP

5 years is a long time, please dont waste anymore of your life.

He is emotionally manipulative. RUN for your life! There is nothing to counsel you on. You lot ain't compatible and it will never get better.

for me,there is no harm here,this not a guy to marry,simple.you can be casual friends,call each other,talk on yours life,but honestly speaking forget marrying a guy like this,you did not mention your age,but your real guy is somewhere out there,so watch out for him. goodluck.

abujabooks:

@Poster,
Run! Ditch him!

I have worked with women fleeing domestic violence here in London. Your guy has all the characteristics of violent men.

I am not sure, whether he has not already started slapping your face and pulling you aggressively.

You can still find a man that, can trust you.

If you marry him, he will NOT change but get worse. If you believe he will change, you have smth else coming.

Very poor and unprofessional judgement.
Every behaviour is learned,you should have find out when and how the behaviour stated.Don`t you think the "distrance relationship" is causing some anxiety and insecurity in this relationship?

@OP
You need to discuss your concerns with your guy and should be in a conditioned environment.
Cheers

To poster take this advice 4ron brown, it will do you more good, all those girls telling you to bust him are in europe, think ok

brownbonno:
Very poor and unprofessional judgement. Every behaviour is learned,you should have find out when and how the behaviour stated.Don`t you think the "distrance relationship" is causing some anxiety and insecurity in this relationship? @OP You need to discuss your concerns with your guy and should be in a conditioned environment. Cheers

To poster take this advice 4ron brown, it will do you more good, all those girls telling you to bust him are in europe, think ok

brownbonno:
Very poor and unprofessional judgement. Every behaviour is learned,you should have find out when and how the behaviour stated.Don`t you think the "distrance relationship" is causing some anxiety and insecurity in this relationship? @OP You need to discuss your concerns with your guy and should be in a conditioned environment. Cheers

seilaat:

I'm the cool type and always calm for him anytime there is an issue but he always believe in himself and that he is NEVER wrong. please house is it true that long relationships don't last or maybe that is what's affecting my relationship or what could it be.

This is the major problem of that guy.
Just discuss things with him and make him to understand what life is all about.
Note that this will take time if he is not in a CONDUCIVE environment.

look dear, i must be very candid with you, you boyfriend is not inlove with you rather he is obsessed about you, and that my dear is not too healthy. So my advice to you is to get over him and get on with your life. chau

desthan:

look dear, i must be very candid with you, you boyfriend is not inlove with you rather he is obsessed about you, and that my dear is not too healthy. So my advice to you is to get over him and get on with your life. chau

Thank God for guys who don't let loyalty to their sex blind them or stop them from telling the truth. God Bless you.


OP
Listen carefully. . . YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP and nothing you can do is gonna save it because your friend has serious issues and until he seeks help, it would never change. You didn't say anything about him hitting you but it's just around the corner because he will always try to up the way he controls you. He can't be reasoned with because he is unreasonable so all that talk about sitting him down and "talking about your feeling" abeg, take it and do this

Read the aritcle below and if I may be so forward as to add. . . RUN!!!!


Signs of An Emotionally Abusive Boyfriend or Partner



- Doesn’t want you to tell people about the problems between the two of you.

- Makes you feel guilty when you don’t want to have sex.

- Pressures you into having sex when you don’t want to.

- Physically forces you into submission when he wants sex after you have sad no.

- Doesn’t accept or respect your decisions.

- When chatting, sends you a lot of nudges when you aren’t answering fast enough.

- Implies that you lie or directly calls you a liar.

- Doesn’t trust you.

- Checks up on you.

- Comes to your home, school or workplace to look for you when you have asked him not to.

- Keeps sending you text messages or calling if you don’t answer.

- Hangs up the phone when he is talking to you.

- Tells you to hang up the phone when you are talking to friends.

- Gives you the silent treatment.

- Expects you to follow him and ask him what's wrong when he walks off.

- Apologizes but then does the same thing.

- Blames you for things.

- Makes you feel guilty for not spending more time with him.

- Tells you what you “should” do.

- Tells you to do things rather than asking you to do them.

- Tells you to do things rather than telling you how he feels.

- Says he can’t live without you or he will kill himself if you leave him.

- Makes you feel responsible for his feelings

- Makes you afraid of telling him the truth, so you find yourself not telling him things or lieing to him in order to avoid fights and conflicts.

- Says things like "I can't believe you are doing this to me." and "You promised me."



While all of these indicators are emotional, remember that emotional abuse is often the first one used.  This nearly always escalates and becomes a physical form of abuse.  It always involves control - one partner controlling the actions of the other.  If this kind of behavior is present, you have a potentially abusive situation that is likely to only get worse as the relationship progresses.

Grabbing your arm or blocking the door when you are trying to leave is one of the first signs the emotional abuse may later turn into physical violence.

While the emotional abuse could lead to physical violence, it doesn't always lead to this. The abusive person might learn he can sufficiently control you with psychological abuse, guilt trips, fear, professions of love, apologies, gifts and other manipulation.

Seeliat

Unless you can drag his arse to counselling to have therapies to resolve his issues, listen to the advice of the women on this thread, particularly Baby Jinx's. If you love yourself, run and don't look back, unless you want to sentence yourself to a union which would only be fraught with hard labour.

@seeliat
if only i knw u two personal i would have taken it upon myself to mk u two go ur seperate ways!
This guy is insecure and not straight forward,
'ayi ta ta mo ole, ole mo lo oko!
Thats wht hes doing wth u!
And for God sake 5yr is not 5 days!
The fact his family likes u is no gurantee his going to marry u!
Finally sweetheart have this in ur mind that there are relationships that are meant to be and some are not meant to be,just a face that pass with time.
you deserve a lot more than wht u having nw.
@Babyjinx
i dey always gbadun ur contribution.

@seeliat

One question-Are you prepared to live the rest of your life this way?
If the answer is 'Yes' then please go ahead with this guy but if the answer is 'No' then
please stay away from him.

All the people advising you to stay with him are the ones that will tell you later when there are issues that you should keep your mouth shut since you must have seen the signals before marrying him!

Are you sure his not the one cheating?

i quite apreciate ur concern for help.i think if u can filter all the comment posted out of centiment u ll find the help u desire. i just hope u have not made up ur mind b4 asking for help.alot of things could lead to this wired attitude of ur guy.
firstly, i think ur guy is having a weakness called insecurity.the mere fact that u reside in lagos and he stays elsewhere gives him alot of migrane and sleepless night.i think he is not too sure of himself.he probably thinks he is not up to the lagos competitors. call him to tell him thatwat his immagining is posible but u re not doing that. he only has is only imaginig the worst
secondly,it could also be that u ve given him reasons to think u re cheating on him.i think u need to ask urself if u re completly guiltless. if u re sure, all u need to do is to find way to assure him that he is still the love of ur life. u visiting his parent doessnt prevent infidelity. the ball is in ur court.

Thank God for guys who don't let loyalty to their sex blind them or stop them from telling the truth. God Bless you.


OP
Listen carefully. . . YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP and nothing you can do is going to save it because your friend has serious issues and until he seeks help, it would never change. You didn't say anything about him hitting you but it's just around the corner because he will always try to up the way he controls you. He can't be reasoned with because he is unreasonable so all that talk about sitting him down and "talking about your feeling" abeg, take it and do this

Baby Jinx:

Thank God for guys who don't let loyalty to their sex blind them or stop them from telling the truth. God Bless you.


OP
Listen carefully. . . YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP and nothing you can do is going to save it because your friend has serious issues and until he seeks help, it would never change. You didn't say anything about him hitting you but it's just around the corner because he will always try to up the way he controls you. He can't be reasoned with because he is unreasonable so all that talk about sitting him down and "talking about your feeling" abeg, take it and do this

Read the aritcle below and if I may be so forward as to add. . . RUN!!!!


Signs of An Emotionally Abusive Boyfriend or Partner



- Doesn’t want you to tell people about the problems between the two of you.

- Makes you feel guilty when you don’t want to have sex.

- Pressures you into having sex when you don’t want to.

- Physically forces you into submission when he wants sex after you have sad no.

- Doesn’t accept or respect your decisions.

- When chatting, sends you a lot of nudges when you aren’t answering fast enough.

- Implies that you lie or directly calls you a liar.

- Doesn’t trust you.

- Checks up on you.

- Comes to your home, school or workplace to look for you when you have asked him not to.

- Keeps sending you text messages or calling if you don’t answer.

- Hangs up the phone when he is talking to you.

- Tells you to hang up the phone when you are talking to friends.

- Gives you the silent treatment.

- Expects you to follow him and ask him what's wrong when he walks off.

- Apologizes but then does the same thing.

- Blames you for things.

- Makes you feel guilty for not spending more time with him.

- Tells you what you “should” do.

- Tells you to do things rather than asking you to do them.

- Tells you to do things rather than telling you how he feels.

- Says he can’t live without you or he will kill himself if you leave him.

- Makes you feel responsible for his feelings

- Makes you afraid of telling him the truth, so you find yourself not telling him things or lieing to him in order to avoid fights and conflicts.

- Says things like "I can't believe you are doing this to me." and "You promised me."



While all of these indicators are emotional, remember that emotional abuse is often the first one used. This nearly always escalates and becomes a physical form of abuse. It always involves control - one partner controlling the actions of the other. If this kind of behavior is present, you have a potentially abusive situation that is likely to only get worse as the relationship progresses.

Grabbing your arm or blocking the door when you are trying to leave is one of the first signs the emotional abuse may later turn into physical violence.

While the emotional abuse could lead to physical violence, it doesn't always lead to this. The abusive person might learn he can sufficiently control you with psychological abuse, guilt trips, fear, professions of love, apologies, gifts and other manipulation.

hey baby, i was jus been frank, that son of a bitch is just infactuated, i know one wen i see one, a complete loser

Baby Jinx:


Signs of An Emotionally Abusive Boyfriend or Partner[/url]



- Doesn’t want you to tell people about the problems between the two of you.

- Makes you feel guilty when you don’t want to have sex.

- Pressures you into having sex when you don’t want to.

- Physically forces you into submission when he wants sex after you have sad no.

- Doesn’t accept or respect your decisions.

- When chatting, sends you a lot of nudges when you aren’t answering fast enough.

- Implies that you lie or directly calls you a liar.

- Doesn’t trust you.

- Checks up on you.

- Comes to your home, school or workplace to look for you when you have asked him not to.

- Keeps sending you text messages or calling if you don’t answer.

- Hangs up the phone when he is talking to you.

- Tells you to hang up the phone when you are talking to friends.

- Gives you the silent treatment.

- Expects you to follow him and ask him what's wrong when he walks off.

- Apologizes but then does the same thing.

- Blames you for things.

- Makes you feel guilty for not spending more time with him.

- Tells you what you “should” do.

- Tells you to do things rather than asking you to do them.

- Tells you to do things rather than telling you how he feels.

- Says he can’t live without you or he will kill himself if you leave him.

- Makes you feel responsible for his feelings

- Makes you afraid of telling him the truth, so you find yourself not telling him things or lieing to him in order to avoid fights and conflicts.

- Says things like "I can't believe you are doing this to me." and "You promised me."



While all of these indicators are emotional, remember that emotional abuse is often the first one used. This nearly always escalates and becomes a physical form of abuse. It always involves control - one partner controlling the actions of the other. If this kind of behavior is present, you have a potentially abusive situation that is likely to only get worse as the relationship progresses.

Grabbing your arm or blocking the door when you are trying to leave is one of the first signs the emotional abuse may later turn into physical violence.

While the emotional abuse could lead to physical violence, it doesn't always lead to this. The abusive person might learn he can sufficiently control you with psychological abuse, guilt trips, fear, professions of love, apologies, gifts and other manipulation.

interesting!!!!

This man has the characteristics of a wife beater. He is already half crazy if he is hearing names that you are not calling. He is very insecure and I have a feeling that he will not take rejection well. Leave him now because he already believed he owns you. Whatever you do abeg do not marry him. To be forwarned is to be forearmed

Relocate n Get him off ur mind.Take some break,do some travelling,see the world.

U only live once babe!!!

ur guy is a maniac, flee o.
anyway, i alwaz advocate for women being in control in a relationship, subtly and smartly!

@pster
ill be objective here rather than practicing "gender patriotism" unless the guy has some untreated psychological issues which by your account of him he doent then i think there are underlying reasons
first of all a nigerian guy or any guy that waited 4 years before having sex is really in love with you and really considerate as well
secondly,thank GOD YOU SAID IT YOURSELF THAT HE IS IN LOVE WITH YOU AND YOU WITH HIM so rather than just singing hit the road jack,try and handle things with a bit more maturity, i have a few questions
1.did you really mention another guy's name?imagine your boyfriend mentioning a girl's name while you r in the heat of it,the fact that its a long distance relationship ll make it more harder to bear on you or vice-versa.
2.have you tried to find out if people have been telling him stuffs about what you have been up to?try and talk to him about that and get to the bottom of it if so,
if at the end of the day and after all these he is still getting worse then AND ONLY THEN will i advice you to rethink your options, the key here is communication with him,rather than just dropping him just like that because ofsome perceived signs, in addittion ill strongly advice you to check out brownbon's advice as it ll do you a lot of good, like most nigerian/african women complain,there s a shortage of men who are marriage material,so don't use a one size fits all advice to judge your own relationship and its individual perculiarity, just check the thread"the world is full of unmarried big girls" just after yours to convince you that you need to made an effort to make things work, just my own PERSONAL OPINION