A man is speeding down the motorway when he's stopped by a police car and has to pull over. "Do you realise you were doing 90 m.p.h. in a 70 limit, sir?" asks the policeman.

"That's impossible, sir, I never break the speed limit," replies the driver.

The driver's wife butts in and says, "Yes, you do, I'm always telling you to keep your speed down."

The policeman says, "I also noticed, sir, that you didn't have your seat belt on. You put it on as I was walking over to your car."

"That is not true, sir; I always wear my seat belt," replies the driver.

Says the wife, "No, you don't, I'm always telling you to put your seat belt on."

At that, the driver goes mad. "Shut up woman, can't you, just for once, keep your big, fat trap shut?"

The policeman is a bit taken aback by how the driver is speaking to his wife, so he moves around to her side of the car. "Does he often speak to you like this, madam?"

"Oh, no, constable," she says, "only when he's drunk."

A young man joined a monastery and took a vow of silence. Every day he worked hard in the fields and never said a word.

After ten years, the Abbot summoned him. "Brother, it is ten years since your vow of silence. On this special day, you may speak. Do you have anything to say?"

He said, "The food is terrible!"

Ten years later, he was again summoned to the Abbot's office. "Brother, it is now twenty years since you joined us. Again, on this special day you may speak."

The monk said, "The bed is too hard", and walked out.

Ten years later he was again called to see the Abbot. "It has been thirty years since you took your vow of silence, brother. Is there anything you would like to say?"

Said the monk, "I'm resigning."

The Abbot replied, "Yes, I'm not surprised. You haven't done anything but complain since you got here!"

r u not s'pose to be at work Ty?

was missing u nw abi