There,s a saying that you can't know all about your spouse's behaviour no matter the year of your courtship. Is this saying true? Is it true that people really change in marriage? Where a caring and loving man in courtship suddenly turns to a man who doesn't care anylonger or turns to someone who batters the wife or sleeps around. Or a once caring, submissive and supportive lady who now turns to the lady of the castle that doesn't care about the husbands welfare and starts manifesting bad behaviour? Married people in the house please enlighten us. Could this change in behaviour after marriage be the one that leads to divorce? Please share your experience with us and if the saying is really true what can be done to change it. Thanks

Yes. Marriage is a black market. For example, when u buy petrol from blackmarket, for sure u know you bought petrol, getting home, you're about about to pour the stuff into whatever you need it, then you discover there are particles, do you pour it away? The best you can do is to filter it and it will be good go. samething applicable to marriage.

helen4:
Yes. Marriage is a black market. For example, when u buy petrol from blackmarket, for sure u know you bought petrol, getting home, you're about about to pour the stuff into whatever you need it, then you discover there are particles, do you pour it away? The best you can do is to filter it and it will be good go. samething applicable to marriage.

Then I'd rather stay unmarried. No be by force.

Baba black market toh badt!
WYSIWYG

lomaxx:


Then I'd rather stay unmarried. No be by force.

sweetheart that is not a wise option either. The bottom-line is, marriage is beautiful for those that knows what they want in their marriage, that's why it's good to knw ur spouse to an extent bf getting hooked up.

The rate at which I'm seeing marriage thread everywhere, the thing don dey fear me o.na so my mind go cut, e go con be like say them slap concussion enter my eyes.

helen4:
sweetheart that is not a wise option either. The bottom-line is, marriage is beautiful for those that knows what they want in their marriage, that's why it's good to knw ur spouse to an extent bf getting hooked up.

But aunty Helen people pretend o.

Sigh...

Marriage is a box. You put into it what you want out of it. Garbage in, garbage out. Put into it Love, understanding, mutual respect, Trust and God, you will get it all like that. Make that box out of sand, water and wind will blow it away. Make the box out of rock, it remains solid. It is only black market for those who turn it to a black market.

That phrase 'black market', i dnt like it.

MzMariah:
But aunty Helen people pretend o.

yes and am sure a pretender is not difficult to get. There will always be a give-away, except you purposely ignore it. Marriage is beautiful to those that knows what they want.

helen4:
yes and am sure a pretender is not difficult to get. There will always be a give-away, except you purposely ignore it. Marriage is beautiful to those that knows what they want.

OK.

Sophyrocks:
Sigh...

Marriage is a box. You put into it what you want out of it. Garbage in, garbage out. Put into it Love, understanding, mutual respect, Trust and God, you will get it all like that. Make that box out of sand, water and wind will blow it away. Make the box out of rock, it remains solid. It is only black market for those who turn it to a black market.

That phrase 'black market', i dnt like it.

Fa fa faaaaaa...fowl!!! This is pure fallacy of modern day rhetoric.

The mentality you exhume is what is killing marriages nowadays. Real marriage can never be in equilibrium so it requires sacrifice, understanding and patience. So garbage in garbage out is pure mechanism of evil enterprise.

Marriages are failing nowadays because the traditional concept that instituted marriage is no longer acceptable to the women folk who believe in equal representation. The core value of marriage had been eroded by western style liberalisation and if we Africans will continue to upheld this "cultural shock" on our belief system, things could get even worse.

SeaGold:


Fa fa faaaaaa...fowl!!! This is pure fallacy of modern day rhetoric.

The mentality you exhume is what is killing marriages nowadays. Real marriage can never be in equilibrium so it requires sacrifice, understanding and patience. So garbage in garbage out is pure mechanism of evil enterprise.

Marriages are failing nowadays because the traditional concept that instituted marriage is no longer acceptable to the women folk who believe in equal representation. The core value of marriage had been eroded by western style liberalisation and if we Africans will continue to upheld this "cultural shock" on our belief system, things could get even worse.

My mentality of love, understanding, trust, mutual respect and other factors i have mentioned is what is killing marriages? Do you know what you are saying at all or u just feel like arguing?

SeaGold:


Fa fa faaaaaa...fowl!!! This is pure fallacy of modern day rhetoric.

The mentality you exhume is what is killing marriages nowadays. Real marriage can never be in equilibrium so it requires sacrifice, understanding and patience. So garbage in garbage out is pure mechanism of evil enterprise.

Marriages are failing nowadays because the traditional concept that instituted marriage is no longer acceptable to the women folk who believe in equal representation. The core value of marriage had been eroded by western style liberalisation and if we Africans will continue to upheld this "cultural shock" on our belief system, things could get even worse.

both parties must do the sacrificing. not fair for one party to have it all, while the other party does all the sacrificing.

Sophyrocks:


My mentality of love, understanding, trust, mutual respect and other factors i have mentioned is what is killing marriages? Do you know what you are saying at all or u just feel like arguing?

Sorry I may have misunderstood you.

This garbage in garbage out thrown around by the women folk is really confusing to me. My thinking of it was that in a situation where a woman get married and the husband start misbehaving, she should return such misdemeanour in full measures but when the husband becomes tolerable and lovingly, she should reciprocate.

My argument is that no matter how loving couples are, the emotion at a stage cannot be evenly reciprocated hence maturity should be the guiding factor that will strength the imbalance. A partner should be apt to accommodate the failings of another to avoid the consequences of garbage in, garbage out.

We are even, correct?

Godmystrength:
both parties must do the sacrificing. not fair for one party to have it all, while the other party does all the sacrificing.

Yes agreed but marriage is a psychological warfare.

I watched the current BBA hotspots few days back when a female housemate confessed that women think they are still dating when married and blamed her fellow women for the unprecedented divorce rate in the world. That was my previous argument to sophyrocks assertion

Though I don't see any disparity in our arguments on the subject, we are only approaching conclusion from separate dimension

SeaGold:


Sorry I may have misunderstood you.

This garbage in garbage out thrown around by the women folk is really confusing to me. My thinking of it was that in a situation where a woman get married and the husband start misbehaving, she should return such misdemeanour in full measures but when the husband becomes tolerable and lovingly, she should reciprocate.

My argument is that no matter how loving couples are, the emotion at a stage cannot be evenly reciprocated hence maturity should be the guiding factor that will strength the imbalance. A partner should be apt to accommodate the failings of another to avoid the consequences of garbage in, garbage out.

We are even, correct?

You see why it aint proper to misconstrue comments? You read a completely different meaning from my comment. Sounds like Paranoia to me.

I agree understanding and tolerance are required, afterall, we aint perfect. This is why you choose your battles carefully. you make a choice of partner whose lifestyle and imperfections you can tolerate till death. You must marry someone with matching moral values, who also sees marriage the same you do. Marriage is about two hands washing each other and not one doing all the washing. You scratch my back, i scratch yours. Iron sharpens iron.

By the way, i explained further what i meant by garbage in, garbage out in my earlier comment. Its just like what Its said in the bible; you reap what you sow.

Sophyrocks:


You see why it aint proper to misconstrue comments? You read a completely different meaning from my comment. Sounds like Paranoia to me.

I agree understanding and tolerance are required, afterall, we aint perfect. This is why you choose your battles carefully. you make a choice of partner whose lifestyle and imperfections you can tolerate till death. You must marry someone with matching moral values, who also sees marriage the same you do. Marriage is about two hands washing each other and not one doing all the washing. You scratch my back, i scratch yours. Iron sharpens iron.

By the way, i explained further what i meant by garbage in, garbage out in my earlier comment. Its just like what Its said in the bible; you reap what you sow.

The word "paranoid" shouldn't be in an intellectual exchange like this.

SeaGold:


Yes agreed but marriage is a psychological warfare.

I watched the current BBA hotspots few days back when a female housemate confessed that women think they are still dating when married and blamed her fellow women for the unprecedented divorce rate in the world. That was my previous argument to sophyrocks assertion

Though I don't see any disparity in our arguments on the subject, we are only approaching conclusion from separate dimension

A single woman's confession is not enough to conclude...
besides, why do you have to change from what you were while dating to something else while married?
The problem is that after saying ''i do'', spouses start coming up with rules and expectations here and there and now complain afterwards that the man/woman has changed from the person he/she got married to......
however, i don't see anything wrong with sophyrocks' assertion..

SeaGold:


The word "paranoid" shouldn't be in an intellectual exchange like this.

Oh really? O.k just an observation.

Definition of Black market

Marriage is not a black market.

Maybe a term like factor of unpredictability is better

A black market is the market in which goods or services are traded illegally. The key distinction of a black market trade is that the transaction itself is illegal. The goods or services may or may not themselves be illegal to own, or to trade through other, legal channels. Because the transactions are illegal, the market itself is forced to operate outside the formal economy, supported by the established state power. Common motives for operating in black markets are to trade contraband, avoid taxes, or skirt price controls

Godmystrength:
A single woman's confession is not enough to conclude...
besides, why do you have to change from what you were while dating to something else while married?
The problem is that after saying ''i do'', spouses start coming up with rules and expectations here and there and now complain afterwards that the man/woman has changed from the person he/she got married to......
however, i don't see anything wrong with sophyrocks' assertion..

Who said they are single?

Majority of them in each episode of BBA were previously married or recently separated from spouse.

SeaGold:


Yes agreed but marriage is a psychological warfare.

I watched the current BBA hotspots few days back when a female housemate confessed that women think they are still dating when married and blamed her fellow women for the unprecedented divorce rate in the world. That was my previous argument to sophyrocks assertion

Though I don't see any disparity in our arguments on the subject, we are only approaching conclusion from separate dimension

How do you know that women are solely responsible for divorces in Nigeria? Are you always present in every family experiencing such?

Sophyrocks:


How do you know that women are solely responsible for divorces in Nigeria? Are you always present in every family experiencing such?

I have a friend who happens to be a marriage counsellor in a catholic church. I read and watch reality shows too. I have also garnered experiences from relatives, friends and even my humble self.

What other yardstick do you wish I inculcate to establish my disposition?

SeaGold:


I have a friend who happens to be a marriage counsellor in a catholic church. I read and watch reality shows too. I have also garnered experiences from relatives, friends and even my humble self.

What other yardstick do you wish I inculcate to establish my disposition?

Instances around you are not enough to deduce such. I am sure the counsellor does not counsel the whole of Nigeria, does he/she?

One thing people fail to understand is that generations apart from each other can never be alike. The orientation of one generation will differ from another. And the fact that our parents had longlasting marriages does not mean they were all happy ones. divorce still took place in their time, only that it wasnt as rampant as we have it now. Some of our mothers didnt have a choice than to stick to their marriages either because they were not financially able to stay on their own or for the sake of children. You can imagine a marriage existing only because of the children. No foundation left.

Nowadays, people marry for very flimsy reasons including to please the society and based on very faulty foundations. Our moral values are too low to sustain marriages. So what do you expect? More divorces.

SeaGold:


Who said they are single?

Majority of them in each episode of BBA were previously married or recently separated from spouse.

I don't mean that kind of single. I mean single as in ONE person. Single as a number not as a status

Sophyrocks:


Instances around you are not enough to deduce such. I am sure the counsellor does not counsel the whole of Nigeria, does he/she?

One thing people fail to understand is that generations apart from each other can never be alike. The orientation of one generation will differ from another. And the fact that our parents had longlasting marriages does not mean they were all happy ones. divorce still took place in their time, only that it wasnt as rampant as we have it now. Some of our mothers didnt have a choice than to stick to their marriages either because they were not financially able to stay on their own or for the sake of children. You can imagine a marriage existing only because of the children. No foundation left.

Nowadays, people marry for very flimsy reasons including to please the society and based on very faulty foundations. Our moral values are too low to sustain marriages. So what do you expect? More divorces.

The beauty of marriage is staying together and getting old despite the challenges. No human circumstances is ever perfect and in our parent generation they understood the concept of marriage.

Years back, I watched my grandparents in their love fight. My granpa in his shenanigans rumba style will instruct his wife to slaughter her chicken for peppersoup avoiding his breed and the old woman will shout, shout and shout but will still do the needful. Even cash crops/plants weren't spared! No body nears my grandpa fruit trees but my grandma own is for family consumption yet she was happy sacrificing. Both grandparents were buried close to each other after 100+ years of existence on this planet.

In my grandma final days on earth, I asked her to tell me about her love experience with my grandpa and she admitted "life will have been boring without him"

Do you still think in this our generation a woman will be buried old in her 1st husband house?

I concur with your sentiment intoto

Godmystrength:
A single woman's confession is not enough to conclude...
besides, why do you have to change from what you were while dating to something else while married?
The problem is that after saying ''i do'', spouses start coming up with rules and expectations here and there and now complain afterwards that the man/woman has changed from the person he/she got married to......
however, i don't see anything wrong with sophyrocks' assertion..

God bless you ma, this is exactly what am talking about. While courting both parties pretend to be what they are not. For they guys loving, caring, generous, attentive and so on just for them to catch the babe and for the ladies, they form submissive, loving, caring, and supportive just to get the ring but you find that after marriage they show their true colour. Why not show your true colour now and if he/she is truly yours then you will be together. I've read many post in this family section of women complaining that their husband wasn't like this during courtship but changed drastically after marriage.

SeaGold:


The beauty of marriage is staying together and getting old despite the challenges. No human circumstances is ever perfect and in our parent generation they understood the concept of marriage.

Years back, I watched my grandparents in their love fight. My granpa in his shenanigans rumba style will instruct his wife to slaughter her chicken for peppersoup avoiding his breed and the old woman will shout, shout and shout but will still do the needful. Even cash crops/plants weren't spared! No body nears my grandpa fruit trees but my grandma own is for family consumption yet she was happy sacrificing. Both grandparents were buried close to each other after 100+ years of existence on this planet.

In my grandma final days on earth, I asked her to tell me about her love experience with my grandpa and she admitted "life will have been boring without him"

Do you still think in this our generation a woman will be buried old in her 1st husband house?

I concur with your sentiment intoto

what can be done in this our generation to change our orientation about marriage cos it seems people go into marriage with different outrageous expectations and if they are not fulfilled they turn to something else. What can be done to bring back that selfless love needed in marriage

Sophyrocks:


Instances around you are not enough to deduce such. I am sure the counsellor does not counsel the whole of Nigeria, does he/she?

One thing people fail to understand is that generations apart from each other can never be alike. The orientation of one generation will differ from another. And the fact that our parents had longlasting marriages does not mean they were all happy ones. divorce still took place in their time, only that it wasnt as rampant as we have it now. Some of our mothers didnt have a choice than to stick to their marriages either because they were not financially able to stay on their own or for the sake of children. You can imagine a marriage existing only because of the children. No foundation left.

Nowadays, people marry for very flimsy reasons including to please the society and based on very faulty foundations. Our moral values are too low to sustain marriages. So what do you expect? More divorces.

hmmmmmm fact

pickabeau1:
Definition of Black market

Marriage is not a black market.

Maybe a term like factor of unpredictability is better

Very much agree. Black market is illegal so cannot be a synonym for marriage.

I remember years back there used to be people who sell cheap used electronics in popular markets that they coin as 'No testing'.
Meaning just assume it works and buy it. When you get home, test it and if it works your lucky. Otherwise, your money don enter bush.

That's marriage coming from Op's context.

SeaGold:


The beauty of marriage is staying together and getting old despite the challenges. No human circumstances is ever perfect and in our parent generation they understood the concept of marriage.

Years back, I watched my grandparents in their love fight. My granpa in his shenanigans rumba style will instruct his wife to slaughter her chicken for peppersoup avoiding his breed and the old woman will shout, shout and shout but will still do the needful. Even cash crops/plants weren't spared! No body nears my grandpa fruit trees but my grandma own is for family consumption yet she was happy sacrificing. Both grandparents were buried close to each other after 100+ years of existence on this planet.

In my grandma final days on earth, I asked her to tell me about her love experience with my grandpa and she admitted "life will have been boring without him"

Do you still think in this our generation a woman will be buried old in her 1st husband house?

I concur with your sentiment intoto

Yes they understood it better. remember, moral values back then were higher than what we have now. so i guess that contributed BUT not all unions were happy ones still. I feel we should not mistake longeivity of a marriage for success. Two people merely patching up and managing each other does not translate to success. Its what goes on in the marriage that counts. when a marriage becomes a threat to someone's life, you dnt expect he/she to remain in it. As a result of our very low moral values, there are many vices of both men and women springing up and until we stay away from such vices then marriages cannot last long.

Yes, its possible for marriages to last in our time. There is still hope. It depends on individual. Marriage is what you make of it right? For that to happen, we have to understand that our generation is different from that of our parents/grandparents. we will never be the same. Never! for example, do not expect your wife to be exactly like your mother. Our choices will continue to differ from theirs. There are positive sides to modern life. WE ARE BECOMING MORE AWARE OF SO MANY THINGS AND OF WHAT WE WANT. We have to focus on factors that would lead to a Happy marriage and not just a longlasting one. Why? Because our moral values are veeeeeery low and there are too many harmful vices around therefore just focusing on how many years a couple have been married isnt enough. We could inculcate the willingness of our grandparents to work on their marriages as long as our partners are willing to work with us but we must not do every single thing our parents/grandparents did because some of them still made poor choices. We have to adapt to the present times, do away with the harmful vices BUT also focus still on what will make our marriages happy. We cannot continue to adopt some of our parents' culture of patching up in marriage. we now have the choice of being happy.

onirugbon1:


Very much agree. Black market is illegal so cannot be a synonym for marriage.

I remember years back there used to be people who sell cheap used electronics in popular markets that they coin as 'No testing'.
Meaning just assume it works and buy it. When you get home, test it and if it works your lucky. Otherwise, your money don enter bush.

That's marriage coming from Op's context.

Exacto!
Someone earlier said WYSIWYG!

gbanjo gbanjo