He is a young man in his early twenties. Has got his job and an apartment of his own which is situated in a city 30 minutes away from his mum. However whenever his girlfriend visits (once in a month) she always accidentally meet his mother. sometimes it degenerates to the extent that all his friends happen to be present as well. To cut the long story short: the girl asked the guy for a space specifically meant for her. In a period of one month what is a weekend without a visit from your mum? Answer: you are asking for too much. That's it.

Now that girl is me and the boy happens to be my ex. I have been reasoning and it seems that in the African contest I had no right whatsoever to make such a demand. But, considering he nurtured me with so much hope for a future together, wasn't I right to recquire a special time and space from him?

You werent in the wrong michelin, a compromise should have been made though on the days you could go for a visit and the mother wouldnt be there

You wouldnt exactly want him to say "oh my girl wants space so please come back next week", it would make you look like the bad one in the situation.

is this past or a reconciliation?

KarmaMod:

You werent in the wrong michelin, a compromise should have been made though on the days you could go for a visit and the mother wouldnt be there

You wouldnt exactly want him to say "oh my girl wants space so please come back next week", it would make you look like the bad one in the situation.

is this past or a reconciliation?

Don't really know. I just looked at him as a woman wrapper. Everything he has said so far seems so vain to me like empty vessels. He said I was the number one person in his life, that he was ready to do anything to make me happy. But on my request to put himself in my shoes and feel the way I felt whenever I was "exposed" to his friends and all, he chose the easiest road and closed chapter.

Honestly talking, I am really fed up of this Nigerian guys. They might have one or two qualities that make them excel above others, but in the whole, they are always there.

michelin89:

He is a young man in his early twenties. Has got his job and an apartment of his own which is situated in a city 30 minutes away from his mum. However whenever his girlfriend visits (once in a month) she always accidentally meet his mother. sometimes it degenerates to the extent that all his friends happen to be present as well. To cut the long story short: the girl asked the guy for a space specifically meant for her. [b]In a period of one month what is a weekend without a visit from your mum? Answer: you are asking for too much. That's it.[/b]Now that girl is me and the boy happens to be my ex. I have been reasoning and it seems that in the African contest I had no right whatsoever to make such a demand. But, considering he nurtured me with so much hope for a future together, wasn't I right to recquire a special time and space from him?

ROTFLMAO

Well he's still a young guy sha and the only family he can really accept right now is his parents and friends. Of course he'll get over it . . . he'll grow up!!!

Well, we Nigerians really value our family and I think for men its stronger. If you cant stand that then I think you did the right thing . . . let him go!!

Ujujoan:

ROTFLMAO

Well he's still a young guy sha and the only family he can really accept right now is his parents and friends. Of course he'll get over it . . . he'll grow up!!!

Well, we Nigerians really value our family and I think for men its stronger. If you can't stand that then I think you did the right thing . . . let him go!!

Na this same boy dey talk of marriage ohh! For a guy who is so keen on a marital life, aren't I right to expect certain things from him? Definitely if he doesn't start defining everybody's space now, when does he hope to do that?

Marriage nor dey change person overnight ooo. It's a gradual process!

He wouldn't have changed when you married him. I am sure he wanted to marry you but only if you were okay with how he is with his mom.

I don't think that's an unreasonable request. After all, you two would be building a life together not you three.

yeah it happens. i think u weren't wrong michelin. if he really wanted to make you happy, he should be the one who's uncomfortable when he discovers that his mum is around every single time.

like we'd tell my mum - go and take care of your husband/aren't you supposed to be on your second honeymoon now that we've all moved out?

marriage? LOL! sorry. no can do. i'll just be second wife. mumsie-in-law will be wife no 1!!

@ michelin, you're very pretty. can i 'dash' you to my brother? he isn't a mummy's pet

iceblue:

@ michelin, you're very pretty. can i 'dash' you to my brother? he isn't a mummy's pet

Na waoooooo!

OYA EVERYBODY LINE UP! TAKE A DATE TO FIX AN INTERVIEW. THE TICKET JUST COSTS AS MUCH AS YOU ARE READY TO OFFER.

_{No cheapies pleassssssse!}

Oh no! Michelin you never ask a guy to choose between you and anyone or anything else because they will always choose anyone and anything else. Honestly, ask a guy to choose between you and jumping in a lake of fire and make it sound like an ultimatum and he would be jumping into that lake of fire with a smile on his face, saying “Hmmm, that feels so darn good!“ It’s the nature of the beast to try to prove their manhood.

I don't ask him to put himself in my shoes. . . that's too abstract for guys. What I do instead is PUT HIM THERE MYSELF -  tit for tat, I know some (guys) will find it this appalling but whatever. Anyway, I stop making him think our being together is important to me. . . This is what they feed own, the idea that you think without them your life is meaningless. Go do your own thing, hang with you friends, read a book, watch TV. . . Anything. If he truly loves you, he will miss you and soon he’ll be the one making the effort to make your time together QUALITY TIME.

And if he doesn't. . . well you are better off ain't ya? Who wants to be with a guy who can't make time for her?

Ms. Lurker:

H[b]e wouldn't have changed when you married him[/b]. I am sure he wanted to marry you but only if you were okay with how he is with his mom.

I don't think that's an unreasonable request. After all, you two would be building a life together not you three.

I thought as much.

iceblue:

yeah it happens. i think u weren't wrong michelin. if he really wanted to make you happy, he should be the one who's uncomfortable when he discovers that his mum is around every single time.

like we'd tell my mum - go and take care of your husband/aren't you supposed to be on your second honeymoon now that we've all moved out?

He didn't feel it and didn't bother to ask me how i felt either. On the contrary he thought he was even doing me a favor by trying to introduce me into his envinroment. I marvelled sometimes at the way he reasoned!

can i pay in zimbabwean dollars

i was gona open a thread like this yanno
i think i'm jst gona read comment and learn coz have got the same problem
mummy mummy every thing

                          _{na your mama he won marry}

introducing you to his environment is actually cool and means he acknowledges you as his no1 girl. but now we're done with the lesson on your environment, can we focus on creating ours please?? is what i'da told him.

@ sisi jinx
true. the matter of a man who's close to his mother is indeed delicate. it's like the proverbial fly on the scrotum. she'd need to be smarter than the wisest politician (not dirty politics o!) in order to manage the situation. however i believe it's worth attempting only if she's indeed planning to marry him too.

Sisi Jinx:

Oh no! Michelin you never ask a guy to choose between you and anyone or anything else because they will always choose anyone and anything else. Honestly, ask a guy to choose between you and jumping in a lake of fire and make it sound like an ultimatum and he would be jumping into that lake of fire with a smile on his face, saying “Hmmm, that feels so darn good!“ It’s the nature of the beast to try to prove their manhood. [img]http://www.xs4all.nl/~ernstmul/images/yahoo/25.gif[/img]

I don't ask him to put himself in my shoes. . . that's too abstract for guys. What I do instead is PUT HIM THERE MYSELF - tit for tat, I know some (guys) will find it this appalling but whatever. Anyway, I stop making him think our being together is important to me. . . This is what they feed own, the idea that you think without them your life is meaningless. Go do your own thing, hang with you friends, read a book, watch TV. . . Anything. If he truly loves you, he will miss you and soon he’ll be the one making the effort to make your time together QUALITY TIME.

And if he doesn't. . . well you are better off ain't ya? Who wants to be with a guy who can't make time for her?

Mine wasn't an ultimatum as I never asked him to stop his mum from visiting him. All I wanted was a space of my own. If he couldn't say no to this mum, then fine. I wouldn't bother myself to pay him a visit because I had had enough confrontations to last me until the marriage introduction.

I had always been nice to his friends and had no problem inviting them over as I was pretty much pleased to prepare something for them in case they show up. But he never looked at this but just at the fact that I was trying to deprive him of his sweet mother. He has proved to be selfish a lot of times but then I also designed a limit which he just trespassed.

I had also thought of doing something like that but it sounded to infantile to me. Must he be shot to understand that a gun shot can kill? I take it for granted that once he thinks of getting married he is also matured enough to understand these simple things.

Well, we Nigerians really value our family and I think for men its stronger.

and this means having a live-in mother?

It shouldnt be an ultimatum but more like "can you tell me the times I can visit when I know well have alone quality time"

You don't want to look like the "evil witch" that is against the almighty mummy

If he wants/wanted to be serious, he'd sit and you'd both set up times good enough for the both of you

michelin89:

Mine wasn't an ultimatum as I never asked him to stop his mum from visiting him. All I wanted was a space of my own. If he couldn't say no to this mum, then fine. I wouldn't bother myself to pay him a visit because I had had enough confrontations to last me until the marriage introduction.

I had always been nice to his friends and had no problem inviting them over as I was pretty much pleased to prepare something for them in case they show up. But he never looked at this but just at the fact that I was trying to deprive him of his sweet mother. He has proved to be selfish a lot of times but then I also designed a limit which he just trespassed.

I had also thought of doing something like that but it sounded to infantile to me. Must he be shot to understand that a gun shot can kill? I take it for granted that once he thinks of getting married he is also matured enough to understand these simple things.

LOL! I can’t believe there aren’t many guys responding to this topic. Wait scratch that, it is actually not a surprising because they are prolly looking at this going “I don’t get. What is the problem here again?“ and this is  because of their view of relationships.  They think being in a relationship with you is enough to proof that they love you. So everything else is like. . . Huh

Girl - Why don’t we go out more?
Guy - What for? I love you
Girl - We need more time alone together
Guy - Why? You know I love you now.
Girl - You missed my birthday!
Guy - Yeah, but you know I love you.
Girl - You slept with her!
Guy - Yeah but it’s YOU I love!

LMAO! Is not that they do it on purpose, they are just better at compartmentalizing things than we are. We let all aspects of our life mesh seamlessly but theythey can’t. That’s why you hear “I don’t get it. What’s that got to do with this?”

You asking him to spend more time with you, especially time when his more is usually around, is automatically asking him to choose. No matter how nice and sweet and oh so lovely you say it, this is what he hears “Nag, nag, nag. . . You better chose between me and your mother/ Friends. Bring ME into the place reserved for MUMMY/FRIENDS" and he's thinking. . . Why? You ain't mummy/friends!

They are strange creatures that way. . .   

Sisi Jinx:

Girl - Why don’t we go out more?
Guy - What for? I love you
Girl - We need more time alone together
Guy - Why? You know I love you now.
Girl - You missed my birthday!
Guy - Yeah, but you know I love you.
Girl - You slept with her!
Guy - Yeah but it’s YOU I love!

rotflmao
You're not serious o. . . . . . yet such men still exist sha

KarmaMod:

and this means having a live-in mother?

It shouldnt be an ultimatum but more like "can you tell me the times I can visit when I know well have alone quality time"

You don't want to look like the "evil witch" that is against the almighty mummy

If he wants/wanted to be serious, he'd sit and you'd both set up times good enough for the both of you

I tried talking to him but it was as if I had asked him to kill him mum. Shouting and shouting. Gosssh!

Sisi Jinx:

LOL! I can’t believe there aren’t many guys responding to this topic. Wait scratch that, it is actually not a surprising because they are prolly looking at this going “I don’t get. What is the problem here again?“ and this is because of their view of relationships. They think being in a relationship with you is enough to proof that they love you. So everything else is like. . . Huh

Girl - Why don’t we go out more?
Guy - What for? I love you
Girl - We need more time alone together
Guy - Why? You know I love you now.
Girl - You missed my birthday!
Guy - Yeah, but you know I love you.
Girl - You slept with her!
Guy - Yeah but it’s YOU I love!

LMAO! Is not that they do it on purpose, they are just better at compartmentalizing things than we are. We let all aspects of our life mesh seamlessly but theythey can’t. That’s why you hear “I don’t get it. What’s that got to do with this?”

You asking him to spend more time with you, especially time when his more is usually around, is automatically asking him to choose. No matter how nice and sweet and oh so lovely you say it, this is what he hears “Nag, nag, nag. . . You better chose between me and your mother/ Friends. Bring ME into the place reserved for MUMMY/FRIENDS" and he's thinking. . . Why? You ain't mummy/friends!

They are strange creatures that way. . .

You got him perfectly. Who am I? Afterall I am just the girlfriend who'll one day take his surname and be at his service.

And he didn't understand when I told him: I DON'T WANT A TYPICAL AFRICAN RELATIONSHIP!

He was like: Are you saying I am a traditionalist?

whats so diff in trying to relate with his friends and family now?
this are the same ppl u wud be sharing his time with and u find it hard to adapt to them?
what wud u request for eventually when u are married. outright ban on his mum and no visiting irghts for his friends?
women are so fucking diff.
get a life. in nigeria u wud marry both him and his family so brace up .

michelin89:

I tried talking to him but it was as if I had asked him to kill him mum. Shouting and shouting. Gosssh!

You got him perfectly. Who am I? Afterall I am just the girlfriend who'll one day take his surname and be at his service.

And he didn't understand when I told him: I DON'T WANT A TYPICAL AFRICAN RELATIONSHIP!

He was like: Are you saying I am a traditionalist?

May I ask, what is a typical African relationship?

he got angry at traditional relationship? it's not a swear word naa some people like it, some don't. shikena.

@izeek
how would you like your girl's mother to be all over the place EVERYTIME you visit? note that the operative word is everytime. she didn't complain about relating to the guy's mum. she just wanted some of her own 'us time' with her boyfriend. or did the guy need his mum around so she can show him how to kiss his girlfriend properly?

Ms. Lurker:

May I ask, what is a typical African relationship?

he gets all
takes everything for granted
he thinks being a boyfriend is enough for you to hold your piece
he thinks you are always trying to prove yourself so you can get his surname
he is always right, and you have to adapt
my mum comes first, my friends second, you, well, I'll find a place for you
talks talks and talks and at the end of the day no facts
he won't understand why i don't want to get married so early. Afterall what other important things have I got in my life
he could care less if the woman had a career and if she had, she'll do from 8-12 so he can always come home to eat.
etc,

izeek:

whats so diff in trying to relate with his friends and family now?
this are the same people u would be sharing his time with and u find it hard to adapt to them?
what would u request for eventually when u are married. outright ban on his mum and no visiting irghts for his friends?
women are so fucking diff.
get a life. in nigeria u would marry both him and his family so brace up .

Here comes the first dude.

Nexxxxxt!

i doubt the mother is always available in his place.Some guys are in their fathers house and still have their girl friend by them. you people can always have quality time out there,,,in the beach,,parks etc.
i guess you asked him for more than he can offer. he 'd loved it you get along with his family and friends.thats Nigerian culture

Sisi Jinx:

Oh no! Michelin you never ask a guy to choose between you and anyone or anything else because they will always choose anyone and anything else. Honestly, ask a guy to choose between you and jumping in a lake of fire and make it sound like an ultimatum and he would be jumping into that lake of fire with a smile on his face, saying “Hmmm, that feels so darn good!“ It’s the nature of the beast to try to prove their manhood.

I don't ask him to put himself in my shoes. . . that's too abstract for guys. What I do instead is PUT HIM THERE MYSELF - tit for tat, I know some (guys) will find it this appalling but whatever. Anyway, I stop making him think our being together is important to me. . . This is what they feed own, the idea that you think without them your life is meaningless. Go do your own thing, hang with you friends, read a book, watch TV. . . Anything. If he truly loves you, he will miss you and soon he’ll be the one making the effort to make your time together QUALITY TIME.

And if he doesn't. . . well you are better off ain't ya? Who wants to be with a guy who can't make time for her?

that should be the best way to handle the situation.

Woman for sure consumes man's time like no man's business.

iceblue:

he got angry at traditional relationship? it's not a swear word naa some people like it, some don't. shikena.

@izeek
how would you like your girl's mother to be all over the place EVERYTIME you visit? note that the operative word is everytime. she didn't complain about relating to the guy's mum. she just wanted some of her own 'us time' with her boyfriend. or did the guy need his mum around so she can show him how to kiss his girlfriend properly?

Now my children, control your breath is fresh *done*
Get close and hold yourselves: my son put your hands around her waist *done*
And you michelin89 hug him tight *done*
close your eyes *done*
get closer and feel the warmth of your lips *done*

Now pull away and take a deep breath. The rest is meant for your wedding night!

igwe 1:

i doubt the mother is always available in his place.Some guys are in their fathers house and still have their girl friend by them. you people can always have quality time out there,,,in the beach,,parks etc.
i guess you asked him for more than he can offer. he 'd loved it you get along with his family and friends.thats Nigerian culturethat should be the best way to handle the situation.

Woman for sure consumes man's time like no man's business.

Whatever he does when I am not around is his cup of tea. he can party all night for all I care. But when I am there I can't stand the stress of having everyone around at the same time.

Can you imagine there is no day I have never seen his mum: even the first time I went to visit.

whats so diff in trying to relate with his friends and family now?
this are the same people u would be sharing his time with and u find it hard to adapt to them?
what would u request for eventually when u are married. outright ban on his mum and no visiting irghts for his friends?

Did you read the thread. 

maybe during marriage sef, the mother should sit there while they're having sex, giving her tips on "good babymaking positions"

michelin89:

he gets all
takes everything for granted
he thinks being a boyfriend is enough for you to hold your piece
he thinks you are always trying to prove yourself so you can get his surname
he is always right, and you have to adapt
my mum comes first, my friends second, you, well, I'll find a place for you
talks talks and talks and at the end of the day no facts
he won't understand why i don't want to get married so early. Afterall what other important things have I got in my life
he could care less if the woman had a career and if she had, she'll do from 8-12 so he can always come home to eat.
etc,

Here comes the first dude.

Nexxxxxt!

And women really go for that?

Maybe he has a fear of checking his mom. Some guys are like that. I've met my share of momma's boys.

As much as it PAINS me to do, I gotta say this. . . This isn't  Traditional thing. It's just men in general!

*Morenike:

rotflmao
You're not serious o. . . . . . yet such men still exist sha

I mean it, you will be surprised how these guys think.

Haven't you heard the  "Hellooooooo! It was just sex with her, not LOVEmaking like it is you. Duh!!" excuse?

Compartments baby!

izeek:

whats so diff in trying to relate with his friends and family now?
this are the same people u would be sharing his time with and u find it hard to adapt to them?
what would u request for eventually when u are married. outright ban on his mum and no visiting irghts for his friends?
women are so fucking diff.
get a life. in nigeria u would marry both him and his family so brace up .

See warramean? Instead of finding a way for the man to do the meshing of his  girlfriend, family and friends together, they expect the woman to look at all the relationships in her man's life and try to see where you can fit herself in. . . .AND she must do it without making waves or rocking the boat.

I tire!!!

na so woman full here.  

Mich, too bad you got stuck with a man who is tied to his mother's apron strings. But to be honest if i were in the guy's shoes i'd probably react the same way.

- Did you take ANY opportunity to get close to his mother? If you did, the mom herself will be the one to ask when you'll be coming so she can give you some space with her son.
- Women expect that men should simply dispense with their mothers as soon as they show up . . . not ever gonna happen.

My mom didnt initially like my ex when i introduced them to each other but the chic played a smart move . . . she would occassionally visit my mom in my absence, both would call each other at least 3 times a week . . . within 2 months my mom was begging me to marry her.

What do you mean by a "typical african relationship" anyway? I find that amusing . . . you think foreign men will send their mothers away for you?  

Don't really know. I just looked at him as a woman wrapper. Everything he has said so far seems so vain to me like empty vessels. He said I was the number one person in his life, that he was ready to do anything to make me happy. But on my request to put himself in my shoes and feel the way I felt whenever I was "exposed" to his friends and all, he chose the easiest road and closed chapter.

Honestly talking, I am really fed up of this Nigerian guys. They might have one or two qualities that make them excel above others, but in the whole, they are always there.

Don't you know the unwritten rule? Do NOT attempt to come between a man and his mother, no matter how mild or extreme.

I couldn't help but pick on the highlighted part of the quote. How is this behaviour typical to Nigerian men alone?

Did someone happen to notice where she said the guy is in his early twenties? No? I rest.

Sisi Jinx:

As much as it PAINS me to do, I gotta say this. . . This isn't Traditional thing. It's just men in general!

I mean it, you will be surprised how these guys think.

Haven't you heard the "Hellooooooo! It was just sex with her, not LOVEmaking like it is you. Duh!!" excuse?

Compartments baby!

See warramean? Instead of finding a way for the man to do the meshing of his girlfriend, family and friends together, they expect the woman to look at all the relationships in her man's life and try to see where you can fit herself in. . . .AND she must do it without making waves or rocking the boat.

I tire!!!

Well it becomes traditional when they use tradition to justify their actions. Do you know how many times he has told me: you had better start acting like a Nigerian woman. And when i ask him: do you know why Nigerian women run away from the tradition when they get abroad? Of course he gave me the usual answer.

You are tires, I am sick. I am really really sick. Right now everything in my life seems to be dark and I an starting to think he is the cause. Could it be has has influenced me so negatively?