Welcome to another badly written Nollywood bashing article. So if you have anything better to do with your day then just to go it right now. Just kidding, this article is actually great.

No matter how many Hollywood movies you watch, or how much you abhor Nollywood movies; you cant deny that they were your first love, your movie watching days started with Nigerian movies.

Okay, you were smart from birth and had always known that Nollywood movies are so bad you’d rather watch wet paint get dry. Let’s face it; you are a Nigerian and no matter how nauseating Nigerian movies are, they represent you in the international scene (yes, we know you want to puke) and there is little you can do to change that right now. Except you become a dictator and ban every nollywood movie in Nigeria, which isn’t a bad idea, except the becoming a dictator part.

After watching nollywood movies for more than 22 years, what are the lessons that can be learnt so far?

1. Only Criminal Smoke Cigarettes

In Nollywood

Smoking is meant for criminals, not just for criminals but the hardened criminals; armed robbers, assassins, drug kingpins, prostitutes and every despicable profession in Nigeria. Oh wait, we forgot to add ritualist to the list, Nollywood loves it when ritual killers smoke cigarettes.

In Real Life

Smoking is not a healthy habit, it has many damaging effect on the health of humans but there is no single correlation between smoking and crime. Like we said, smoking is just a bad habit, end of story.

There are tons of responsible people, who smoke cigarettes and the last time we checked smoking is not a criminal offence.

So the next time you see someone smoking, the least you could do is tell that person how dangerous it is to their health instead of judging them already, all thanks to Nollywood.

2. Traditional Worshipers Are Evil

In Nollywood

Traditional idol worshippers are only good at causing wrecking havoc in the life of unsuspecting Nigerians. They are the people you go to when you want to kill or maim anybody you hate for no apparent reason.

The least condescending role assigned to traditional idol worshipers is that of a lukewarm chief priest who receives messages from the gods and at best refuses to collect bribe in favour of a corrupt individual.

In Real Life

If you are reading this, then chances are that you are a Christian or Muslim. Traditional worshippers are a minority in Nigeria accounting for less than one percent of the population.

Traditional worshippers are the perfect villains in Nollywood movies. They have a bad history but that is true of almost every religion in the world. Every religion has killed for a cause, has sacrificed thousands for a cause.

We don’t see other countries making fun of their traditional religion, do you? Why Nollywood?

Besides that, there is no evil religion, only evil people exist. There are bad people in every religion.

At giftedgreen.com, we are mostly Christians and Muslims but c’mon the demonising of traditional worshipers needs to stop.

Quick question, you should know one or two traditional worshippers back at the village, are they as horrible as nollywood make them seem?

3. Every Girl Must Learn How To Cook

In Nollywood

Every girl needs to learn how to cook because if she doesn’t learn how to cook her husband will send her back to her parents when he finds out she can’t cook a decent meal.

In Real Life

We wonder why the feminists in Nigeria aren’t crying foul yet as regards to this archaic plot Nollywood uses every frigging time.

Nollywood sometimes likes to exaggerate with scenes of excess salt or too much pepper in the food or burnt meals as a sign of bad cooking we all know that rarely happens.

Even if a girl doesn’t know how to cook, so what? What stops the man from cooking? Or teaching her? Or making her attend cooking class? Or hiring a maid? Or eating out?

It’s good a girl knows how to cook; it is not an ultimate skill deserving divorce if lacking.

Take a girl to her parents? Who does that anymore? She will chew you out and spit you out in court.

Nollywood loves to assign the role of full house wives to women. Women are rarely given the role of a professional, except when it is convenient to the story.

Feminist, seems like you’ve got some work to do.

4. Nigerians Invented Tattoo

In Nollywood

No matter when a Nollywood movie is set, it doesn’t matter if it is 3000 B.C or 3000 A.D as long as it has a village setting, virtually everybody has a tattoo and the village king always dresses ridiculously.

In Real Life

Our ancestors were not that bonkers for tattoos and neither are our village folks, to the best of our knowledge. Instead of tattoos, they should instead give everybody a facial mark, which was quite prevalent back in the days. Oh wait, that would be too complicated for their makeup artist.

When you see a village where everybody wears tattoo, be sure to let us know in the comment section below.

Village chiefs do not dress as ridiculous as they are portrayed in Nollywood movies. The most annoying part is that even movies set in the present day still features traditional rulers in mundane attires.

Apart from first class and second class chiefs, traditional rulers rarely wear their full regalia. They dress in that manner mostly during festival and traditional occasions.

5. Always Take The Words Of A Madman/Village Drunk Seriously

In Nollywood

The mad man on the street keeps saying the plot of the movie but nobody seems to take him seriously because he is mentally unstable. The village drunk keeps pointing out the villain and all his plans but no one heeds to his words as he is supposedly drunk.

In Real Life

The best anybody could get from alcohol intoxication is that you get to tell the truth a lot, that is after you ignore the staggering, slurred speech, nauseating feeling, hangover and not to mention that you are putting your life and the life of others at a huge risk.

Yes alcohol acts as a truth serum, making you more honest. It does not give you the back story to life; neither does it show you the synopsis to everybody’s life on earth.

As for brainsick, pretty much everything they say s useless, why are we even discussing this?

What is nollywood trying to tell us? That we should listen to the wise words of drunks each time they speak or welcome the words of insane men as divine advice?

6. Rich Kids Are Spoilt And People From In Diaspora Disrespectful

In Nollywood

Rich kids are spoilt little brats who have everything they ever want in life and this transforms them into horrible little monsters with no human sympathy whatsoever.

While those from Diaspora (it doesn’t matter if they went to Ghana for two days) are people with glaring fake American accent, dressed ridiculously in oversized shirts, face cap, eye glasses and oversized shoes (OMG, this never changes). They are always downright disrespectful with no regards to their elders or constituted authority.

Did we mention that they never win when they are in a love triangle?

In Real Life

First of all, you have to visit the United States of America for you to get close to anywhere close to the American accent (that gibberish Jim Iyke does could make your ear bleed). You don’t go to Britain and acquire an American accent, you don’t go to Russia and acquire an American accent and you definitely don’t go to Togo for you to pick up the American accent.

Okay let’s say you even visit the U.S.A. There are hundreds of people who spent years in America who do not have an iota of the American accent. There are also thousands of many more who were born and brought up in America who respect their elders and not as pompous as we are meant to believe in the movies.

Don’t be fooled, visiting a third world country does not diminish your chance of finding true love.

7. Screaming The Word ‘Jesus’ Makes Everything Perfect

In Nollywood

Are you about to in a motor accident? Scream the word ‘Jesus’ and all will be well.

Are you about having a spiritual attack? Scream the word ‘Jesus’ and all will be well.

Are you about to drown in water? Scream the word ‘Jesus’ and all will be well.

Did an assassin just put ten bullets in your body? Scream the word ‘Jesus’ and all will be well

In Real Life

You’d be soooo dead

There is a lot to Christianity and how God works than just screaming the word ‘Jesus’. Nuff said

Have any thoughts? Let us know in the comment section below.

http://giftedgreen.com/2014/blog/2014/11/07/7-horrible-lies-nollywood-will-teach-your-kids/

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Highly exagerrated. Also, try to be considerate, being an housewife is not a disease. How many feminists have you met in Nigeria? So do you think they have power to change anything? Apart from the smoking stuff, others are highly generalized.