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Nairaland Forum / Entertainment / Literature / Poems For Review / Crave for Your Heart (1504 Views)
I Carry Your Heart / Where Your Heart Is (poem) / If I Broke Your Heart (2) (3) (4)
Crave for Your Heart by benebaby77: 1:10pm On Dec 23, 2014 |
Sleeplessness visit me every night Wish I could hold it longer but no avail Pondering about the gorgeous her Obliviousness but seems I'm in it again You have conquered me and take me your hostage Your feelings bewitch me I think of you always a study Wake and sleep every day with your thought Lest you become mine, I can't rest I'm in a pain of your love I derive pleasure from this No right personality could fill in but you The special abode in my heart It seems early but I need to speak To your hearing Of my heart desires To your seeing how engrossedly I'm in it I seek nothing but your heart © Benebaby77 |
Re: Crave for Your Heart by texanomaly(f): 4:55pm On Dec 23, 2014 |
This poem has a great concept. The grammar and punctuation stop it from reaching its potential. Let me know if you want help with that. |
Re: Crave for Your Heart by benebaby77: 7:41pm On Dec 23, 2014 |
texanomaly: Yes mah, I want a help on it. you can remove it or add anything that will make it better. Thanks ma |
Re: Crave for Your Heart by texanomaly(f): 8:21pm On Dec 23, 2014 |
You used repetition in your poem. I don't believe you used it to full advantage. Repetition can be used to emphasize the idea that your love is hopeless, but using hopeless, a hopeless lover is overkill. Helpless and hopeless makes us see more clearly what you are feeling. Then repeating it over and over emphasizes the emotion. It is untitled. You've missed another opertunity to emphasize the hopelessness you feel, or is the title the same as the thread title? Cc. laykorn I stare into the dark Day and night. Deep in thought, Strapped, And in a pensive mood. I think of you. Trapped! A hopeless lover. Our stolen kiss, My first, Lingers on my lips. The taste of your bud The taste of a miss. I am helpless. A hopeless lover. The brush of our skin, Still tingles my loins. Couture of your elegance, Coys my realms, Catch my breath. Pose with me. I am helpless. A hopeless lover. I caress your design. I behold your gait. The watchman's whistle whirls. Past midnight. It was all a dream. I remain helpless, A hopeless lover. At Peak of dawn, I run to the pavement, To watch your steps, Hand in hand with your gent. I watch, helpless. A hopeless lover. I know I can't have you. Join my realm And be my beloved In my dreams. Helpless. A hopeless lover. Helpless me, destined to be, A hopeless lover. 1 Like |
Re: Crave for Your Heart by benebaby77: 10:24pm On Dec 23, 2014 |
Thanks. texanomaly I just want to write something that's why. I will try to do better next time. |
Re: Crave for Your Heart by texanomaly(f): 10:44pm On Dec 23, 2014 |
benebaby77: You did great! You are on your way to being an excellent poet. I'm impressed. 1 Like |
Re: Crave for Your Heart by Nobody: 1:13pm On Dec 24, 2014 |
texanomaly:Ma'm,please I would appreciate if you had used her poem for this correction than using mine.. |
Re: Crave for Your Heart by benebaby77: 4:43pm On Dec 24, 2014 |
Re: Crave for Your Heart by texanomaly(f): 5:39pm On Dec 24, 2014 |
Veralaw: Oops. So sorry. There are too many people wanting help. I got them mixed up. Please forgive me. |
Re: Crave for Your Heart by texanomaly(f): 5:42pm On Dec 24, 2014 |
benebaby77: So sorry. That was not meant for you. I have to many poems hitting me at once. So sorry again. I either need to be more careful or give up on helping. |
Re: Crave for Your Heart by benebaby77: 6:44pm On Dec 24, 2014 |
Re: Crave for Your Heart by Nobody: 7:30pm On Dec 24, 2014 |
texanomaly: It's okay |
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Constructive Criticism Needed For This Poem / Philtrum's Poem Collection / A Poem In Pidgin Language: Temptations In Our Nation
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