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Crave for Your Heart - Poems For Review - Nairaland

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I Carry Your Heart / Where Your Heart Is (poem) / If I Broke Your Heart (2) (3) (4)

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Crave for Your Heart by benebaby77: 1:10pm On Dec 23, 2014
Sleeplessness visit me every night
Wish I could hold it longer but no avail
Pondering about the gorgeous her
Obliviousness but seems I'm in it again

You have conquered me and take me your hostage
Your feelings bewitch me
I think of you always a study
Wake and sleep every day with your thought
Lest you become mine, I can't rest

I'm in a pain of your love
I derive pleasure from this
No right personality could fill in but you
The special abode in my heart

It seems early but I need to speak
To your hearing Of my heart desires
To your seeing how engrossedly I'm in it
I seek nothing but your heart



© Benebaby77
Re: Crave for Your Heart by texanomaly(f): 4:55pm On Dec 23, 2014
This poem has a great concept. The grammar and punctuation stop it from reaching its potential. Let me know if you want help with that.
Re: Crave for Your Heart by benebaby77: 7:41pm On Dec 23, 2014
texanomaly:
This poem has a great concept. The grammar and punctuation stop it from reaching its potential. Let me know if you want help with that.

Yes mah, I want a help on it. you can remove it or add anything that will make it better. Thanks ma
Re: Crave for Your Heart by texanomaly(f): 8:21pm On Dec 23, 2014
You used repetition in your poem. I don't believe you used it to full advantage. Repetition can be used to emphasize the idea that your love is hopeless, but using hopeless, a hopeless lover is overkill.

Helpless and hopeless makes us see more clearly what you are feeling. Then repeating it over and over emphasizes the emotion.

It is untitled. You've missed another opertunity to emphasize the hopelessness you feel, or is the title the same as the thread title?

Cc. laykorn




I stare into the dark
Day and night.
Deep in thought,
Strapped,
And in a pensive mood.
I think of you.
Trapped!
A hopeless lover.

Our stolen kiss,
My first,
Lingers on my lips.
The taste of your bud
The taste of a miss.
I am helpless.
A hopeless lover.

The brush of our skin,
Still tingles my loins.
Couture of your elegance,
Coys my realms,
Catch my breath.
Pose with me.
I am helpless.
A hopeless lover.

I caress your design.
I behold your gait.
The watchman's whistle whirls.
Past midnight.
It was all a dream.
I remain helpless,
A hopeless lover.

At Peak of dawn,
I run to the pavement,
To watch your steps,
Hand in hand with your gent.
I watch, helpless.
A hopeless lover.


I know I can't have you.
Join my realm
And be my beloved
In my dreams.
Helpless.
A hopeless lover.

Helpless me, destined to be,
A hopeless lover.

1 Like

Re: Crave for Your Heart by benebaby77: 10:24pm On Dec 23, 2014
Thanks. texanomaly

I just want to write something that's why. I will try to do better next time.
Re: Crave for Your Heart by texanomaly(f): 10:44pm On Dec 23, 2014
benebaby77:
Thanks. texanomaly

I just want to write something that's why. I will try to do better next time.

You did great! You are on your way to being an excellent poet. I'm impressed.

1 Like

Re: Crave for Your Heart by Nobody: 1:13pm On Dec 24, 2014
texanomaly:
You used repetition in your poem. I don't believe you used it to full advantage. Repetition can be used to emphasize the idea that your love is hopeless, but using hopeless, a hopeless lover is overkill.

Helpless and hopeless makes us see more clearly what you are feeling. Then repeating it over and over emphasizes the emotion.

It is untitled. You've missed another opertunity to emphasize the hopelessness you feel, or is the title the same as the thread title?

Cc. laykorn



Check Veralaw's poem:

I stare into the dark
Day and night.
Deep in thought,
Strapped,
And in a pensive mood.
I think of you.
Trapped!
A hopeless lover.

Our stolen kiss,
My first,
Lingers on my lips.
The taste of your bud
The taste of a miss.
I am helpless.
A hopeless lover.

The brush of our skin,
Still tingles my loins.
Couture of your elegance,
Coys my realms,
Catch my breath.
Pose with me.
I am helpless.
A hopeless lover.

I caress your design.
I behold your gait.
The watchman's whistle whirls.
Past midnight.
It was all a dream.
I remain helpless,
A hopeless lover.

At Peak of dawn,
I run to the pavement,
To watch your steps,
Hand in hand with your gent.
I watch, helpless.
A hopeless lover.


I know I can't have you.
Join my realm
And be my beloved
In my dreams.
Helpless.
A hopeless lover.

Helpless me, destined to be,
A hopeless lover.



Ma'm,please I would appreciate if you had used her poem for this correction than using mine..
Re: Crave for Your Heart by benebaby77: 4:43pm On Dec 24, 2014
Re: Crave for Your Heart by texanomaly(f): 5:39pm On Dec 24, 2014
Veralaw:

Ma'm,please I would appreciate if you had used her poem for this correction than using mine..

Oops. So sorry. There are too many people wanting help. I got them mixed up. Please forgive me. embarassed
Re: Crave for Your Heart by texanomaly(f): 5:42pm On Dec 24, 2014
benebaby77:


Hello Veralaw, abeg no vex jare. She used it to illustrate how a poem should be. you can see that I didn't emend it to your work but the tittle. I just want to learn how to write a flawless yet amazing poem.

So sorry. That was not meant for you. I have to many poems hitting me at once. So sorry again. I either need to be more careful or give up on helping. embarassed
Re: Crave for Your Heart by benebaby77: 6:44pm On Dec 24, 2014
Re: Crave for Your Heart by Nobody: 7:30pm On Dec 24, 2014
texanomaly:


Oops. So sorry. There are too many people wanting help. I got them mixed up. Please forgive me. embarassed

It's okay smiley

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