“Sege! How far! Wetin dey happen? How Onitsha?” I shook hands with Segun and I noticed the ever black as Charcoal Sege was becoming an Albino.


“Sege you dey bleach?” I asked.

“me bleach! No oh! I no dey bleach oh! Na the weather! i dey chop better food na” He said.




“oboy welcome oh! How Osha?”

“Mehn! Osha dey Ok oh!”

I hope you all are not lost "Osha" is short for "Onitsha".


“Mehn I like that town, I don dey become Ibo boy oh!” he said, “Ke kwanu?”

“odi mma my bother! hahahahahahahaha!” I laughed

“hahahahahahaha! Guy you be Yoruba boy wey don dey like Ibo!” The same way I was Ibo boy wey like Yoruba when I was serving in Ilesa.

“yes oh! Ibo life don enter my head!” I prayed he had not turned 419.













“Sege na my Cousin Snow be this!” I said as Segun settled.

“Snow Nwanne na Mathematical Sege wey I dey tell you of be this”

“na the guy wey I tell you say be all the girls dem Daddy for barracks”

“hahahahahahaha!” Segun laughed.

“na the guy wey cross almost all the Rivers for barracks”

“this thing wey him carry for waist, him don use am destroy so many girls future”

“all for only one person? hahahahahahaha!!” Snow laughed.

“hahahahahahahaha!! ehennn! You dey doubt me?” I said, “just leave your girlfriend for house with am, and see weda no be twins that your girlfriend go born next six months”.

“Ahan! Flow no be Nine months women dey take born pekin?” Snow said.

“yes na! but for Segun own case na six months any woman wey him sleep with go dey before she born”

“hahahahahahahahaha!” We all laughed.











“Segun wetin I go offer you na?” I asked.

“nothing oh! I dey Ok” He replied.

“you dey Ok as how?”

“I dey Ok na!” He repeated.

“which kin play be that one! guy I must offer you something oh!”

“ok, if you must offer me something, offer me that girl wey I see sidon outside for una compound as I dey enter” I wished he knew what Nnenna was capable of.


“That one no be problem na! Snow is the minister for women affairs, Snow! let that be done with immediate effect! Ok!!” I said.

"Yes sir!"

“hahahahahahahahaha!” Snow laughed.


“serious! make I buy you Alomo na!” I knew Segun would never reject Alomo come what may, even if he rejected every other drink.









In no time Big bottle of Alomo bitters was on the table albeit I bought it on credit from Angela who had increased her wares to selling wines and Alcoholic drinks. Talking of progress in business of a woman that claimed she was born again Christian.



“what of Amos and James na?” I asked as we drank on.

“mehn I hear say them don release them since oh”

“ehen! Give me them two number sef! I don lost my phone before and all their number don go”


“what of Funmi and her sister Ife nkor?” I noticed the Alomo bitters in the bottle increased as we poured out.

“Funmi don born her pekin for Sola, them two don marry sef”

“ehen!! You mean am? That mean say Sola life don better oh!” I was sure for any man to be married to any of Mr. Akeju’s daughters meant two things; that that man was under control of the Akejus conglomerate, and that he is under a spell. Under a spell of being a houseboy for the rest of his life.

“what of Ife?” I cared to know.

“Ife? Ife don get job MTN na, she be big girl now oh!”

“You mean am?” I was wishing I impregnated her that time, but again she was wise enough to allow that happen.

“you dey hear from guys from barracks so?”

“yes oh! Sir White and me nahim dey Onitsha sef, the barracks wey dem post am to no too far from where I dey stay for Onitsha”

“ehen! Make that guy no go carry that him wickedness enter Alaigbo oh!” I said, “Igbo boys go just kill am oh!”

“him don calm down na! him no dey do those him gra-gra again”

For the benefit of those of you reading that are “Ajebutters”, “gra-gra” is a word in the Oxford Advanced Learners Dictionary For Pidgin, and the last time I checked the meaning, it means forceful or when someone is bent on using force on something/someone. One can also use the word in English sentences, for example; I gra-gracaly collected the money he owed me from him.


“I know say one day that guy go calm down! I know”

"yes oh! him don calm down small, na me dey even supply am Igboh wey him dey smoke"

"guy! so you never stop this Igboh thing?"

I turned and saw that Snow was nowhere to be found.

"where this guy go?"







Our dear Alomo had gone half when I heard rumbles in my stomach.

Then from rumbles thunder struck.

I stood up and headed to the Toilet.

"Segun I dey come!" I excused myself.

My brain initially lead me "right-wards" so I walked right to our Toilet.

“who dey there?” I knocked.

“Flow na me!” Snow replied.

“ooooh God!!!! Do quick na?” I cried.

“wait I don dey finish, make this last s’hit just comot for my nyash”

“guy do quick, I don dey die here!” I cried.

At that Juncture my brain that formerly lead me "right-wards" started leading me "left-wards", so I wheeled left towards the other Toilet that was for tenants that stayed at the left side of the compound.







“Toilet” I saw boldly written at the entrance.

“which day them com write this thing for this people Toilet door?” I said to myself.

The door was metallic unlike ours that was wooden and worn out. "Landlord wan make this people Toilet make sense well well abi?" I said to myself.

As lucky as I was, I knocked and there was no one inside.

As I heard another thunder in my stomach, I ran into the Toilet, took off my boxers, hurriedly bent down without looking at my surrounding, wishing I wasn't pooing on the floor.




After about 30 minutes of “hmmmmmmmm!! Hmnnnnn!! Hnnnnnn!” I stood up to leave.

I searched tirelessly for the big drum that was supposed to be by the Toilet side that was meant for flushing but couldn’t find it.

“abi them don comot their own flush water drum?” I asked myself.



The next thing I heard was “meahhhhh!” a goat bleat.

“Goat in a Toilet!” I was shocked.

“meeahhhhhh!” I turned and saw that there were so many Goats in the Toilet.

“Or was I dreaming?”

I unevenly shock my head to wake myself up if I was dreaming.






When I heard; “Brother Flow no be Toilet you enter so oh! Na Goat house! hahahahaha!!” it dawned on me that I wasn’t dreaming.

“you dey mad Miracle, how I go enter Goat House go s’hit? I don kolo?” I cursed as I hurried out.

“where una flush water drum dey? una comot am from inside” I asked her.

“Brother you don go s’hit for inside Goat house” She repeated.

“you dey mad! No be Toilet them write for the door so?” I turned.

“hahahahahaha!! no be Toilet brother, na TO LET”

I turned again and behold what I initially saw as TOILET had instantly turned TO LET.


The Alomo I drank cleared in my eyes and I saw that the imaginary “I” was fiction.








“ehhhn! Who s’hit for my Goat house?” I saw the Landlord coming.

Trypa:






Yeah u did n I reAlly tnk u for ur support

You are welcome!

Baba flow i believe u die...thumbs up

viciati:
Baba flow i believe u die...thumbs up

I believe you too

Flow, this got me lmao! If u see the way am laughing hysterically mehn.

Melancholy:
Flow, this got me lmao! If u see the way am laughing hysterically mehn.

Yeah! thats whats up.Thats my aim.

flow1759:


She is crying now because she refused ta adhere to my instructions to get a campaign manager.

I voted to her though.

Trypa cry no more. S'hit can never be Roses.

And this is all but her fault. Why the hell shouldn't she have had a campaign manager?

Landlord go scatter Flow!!!! Kai. Still following the story.

“Daddy na Brother Flow, him go s’hit for our goat house!”

“me? s’hit for goat house? How? When? Who?”

“no be you wey I just see dey comot for inside our goat house now?” Miracle said.

“me? no be me oh, Oga Landlord I just go see weda them the goat still dey healthy” I said.

“Healthy as how?”

“Healthy as in weda them no get Kwashiorkor” I thought someone behind me said that.

“Kwashiorkor! How?”

“Oga Landlord na bad thing if I check your goat for you weda them get Kwarshiorkor?”


“Brother!! you can lie!”

“will you shut up!!”

“oga Landlord no mind her oh, I no s’hit for your goat house oh” I was fidgety.

“wait make I see am!” The Landlord went into the Toilet, sorry into the To let.

“yes!! Daddy enter go see the s’hit!” Miracle was a pain in my a’ss.

“I no s'hit oh, that thing na doughnut wey I wan go give them the goat make them chop” I fled.

“Daddy!! Him don run!” Miracle yelled.










“lock door!! Lock door!!” I shut the door behind me and locked it from inside.

“guy! This one wey you run enter room dey say make we lock door?” Snow said.

“Mehn! I don f’uck up!”

“wetin you f’cuk up?” Snow asked.

“mehn! I no know wetin happen to me wey I no think well oh” Alomo was it.

“As I knock for Toilet door wey you dey inside, naso I say make I go the other Toilet wey dey this compound go s’hit” I narrated.

“as I reach there, naso I see say them write Toilet for the door, I com surprise oh”

“because I dey sure say them no write anything like that for the Toilet door”

“As I dey sure say na TOILET I dey read for the door, I kukuma enter inside”


“ehen! As you enter wetin com happen?” Snow asked.

“naso I begin s'hit for ground oh!” I replied.

“you sef! Why you go s’hit for ground of Toilet?” Snow said.

“guy! No be ground of Toilet I s’hit”

“where you com s’hit?”

“na for Goat house I s’hit oh” I said, “I no know say the place wey I enter na Landlord Goat house”

“hahahahahahahahahaha! Ok! So you see the TO LET wey Landlord write for him goat house door as TOILET?”

“yes oh, I think say na toilet na, you know say the Toilet dey near the goat house!”

"hahahahahahaha! but why him write TO LET na because him wan rent the place out as shop but him goat still dey there for the main time"


“hahahahahahahahaha!” Snow laughed hysterically.

“hahahahahahahahahaha! Guy you go pack the s’hit with you hand oh!” Segun said.

“me? Pack s’hit with my hand? Say wetin happen?” I said.








Next there was a bang on the door.

“who be that?” Snow yelled.

“na me!! Na Landlord!!”

As I heard that, I flew to the wardrobe to hide.

“guy tell am say I no dey house”


“open this door!!” Oga Landlord yelled.

“I dey come oga landlord!” I heard Snow said.

“no allow am enter inside oh!” I warned.

“ok” Snow promised.





“Where that rubbish boy Flow!” Oga Landlord yelled.

“Flow?” Snow asked, “Who be Flow?”

“you dey ask me?” Oga Landlord raised his tone higher.

“Where that your Efulefu brother!!” Now that got me pissed.




Dear readers, don’t you ever ever ever call anyone from Anambra state Efulefu. Believe you me, even if you later buy him/her a big ball of fufu and Ofe Nsala, the mildest of punishment is for you to end up on IT at Okija shrine.






“him travel!” Snow replied.

“travel!! Person wey I see now now? Person wey com s’hit for my goat house!!”

“oga Landlord him travel” Snow repeated.

“ehen!! Which kin travel be that?”

“Astral travel!!” I said in a low voice, like Segun heard it and started laughing, “hahahahahaha!”






“nahim dey laugh inside abi?” Oga landlord said.

“no oh, no be him” Snow said.

“na who?” Landlord asked.

“na Goat!” Snow must still be drunk.

“Goat! Goat dey laugh?”

“yes na………………….”

“comot for road jor!” Oga landlord pushed Snow off the way and entered.

“good afternoon sir!” Segun greeted.

“bad afternoon to you!” Oga Ladlord said, “where is Flow?”

“I don’t know oh!” Segun replied.

“I know he is here!” The Landlord searched.


Another thing I learned from the twins Chima and Chidi is how to hang in the wardrobe like clothes.

*** I no go fit explain am well for una, but make I try***

This is the law: If your wardrobe is hanging close to where two walls met, hang on the meeting point of both walls with your hands holding the wardrobe top firmly. And your leg? Let your leg press tight on the wall with your back pushing it backwards. You will find out that the clothes you are putting on will look like there are hanged with hanger on the wardrobe.








The Landlord searched tirelessly and left angrily promising to get me at all cost to come pack my s’hit.



“guy!! How you take hide for that wardrobe wey him no see you?” Segun asked.

“mehn! You no go understand!”

“hahahahahahahaha!” Snow laughed.

“if to say that man catch you ehn!!”

“wetin him for do? Him no fit do me anything jor!!” I said, “make person no s’hit again?”

“hahahahahahahahahaha!” They both laughed.



“Flow no vex oh! I wan s’hit sef, e get as my belle dey do me” Segun said.


That was when it dawned on me what Alomo had done.




"braaaaaaaaaa!" Our wardrobe fell to the ground.


"Flow!! see wetin you cause now!!" Snow yelled.

MannyAgyeiK:
Landlord go scatter Flow!!!! Kai. Still following the story.

Abi oh

Flow I don catch up GOD WIN. Guy as u jst strt d story my fone come spoil bt Tank God I don buy new one, come stil catch up with u guys jst in one day. ¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º° GOD WIN °º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸




Nice story bro, §.•´¨'°÷•..× GOD WIN ×,.•´¨'°÷•..§

Flow, you bad pass. Hahahahahahaha. Hei. I thought oga landlord got you for real. You get sense rough. Sharp guy. Anyway, let the story flow.

Na who dey laugh? Na goat. Lmao! How i wish the landlord slapped snow for that response, he would have expose flow and tantrums would be flowing on air while segun sit and watch. Hahahahahaha....

“Flow see wetin you don curse abi!” Snow yelled.

“sorry na! I no know say the thing go fall”

“see all our cloth don spoil na!”

“nothing spoil, how our cloth go spoil?” I said, “come make we arrange am jor”




“where Segun?” I asked.

“na true oh, where him dey na!” That was how we began to search for a lost Segun.

“mhnnnnnnn!” I heard.

“mhhhhhnnnnnnn!” It came from where the wardrobe landed and where clothes hipped.



Then I saw a leg. I drew back to avoid story that touches, in case it was a ghost's leg i saw.

“Sege na you be that?” I asked.

“mhmmmmmnnn!” He cried.

“see this guy oh!” I hurriedly removed the curtains and traveling bag that landed on him.




"this small bag nahim wan kill you!" I said.

"you no see as the curtain rap my noise and my mouth?" He said.


As Segun took a deep breath, it dawned on me that he was almost dying of suffocation before I saved him.


Someone that was saved from dying and the first thing he could say wasn't a "thank you" but; “where una toilet dey, I wan s’hit! s'hit don dey comot for my nyash!!”


“go left ehn! The last door for there na the toilet” Snow directed him.

Without taking off his trouser Segun ran out.




“Flow! Which kin Alomo you buy sef?”

“Na better one I buy na!” I replied.

“I buy am for Flourish Supermarket na!” Lie of the Millennium.

“but Flourish supermarket no dey sell fake things na!”

“guy my belle still dey disturb me as I dey so”



“which kin block this nonsense Landlord use build this wall?” I said, “wall just soft like biscuit”

“biscuit sef better” Snow said, “na paper!”


After arranging the clothes, to hang back the wardrobe was another case.

“where we go hang this hanger na! see hole-hole everywhere for our wall!”

I and Snow quarreled with our tools especially the Hammer that almost landed on my head as we managed to hang the wardrobe albeit it was slant.


"Guy!! Thank God say that hammer no comot for your hand land for my head oh!" It would had been a case of Hammer landing on rock.

"hnnnmm! I pity the hammer, e for just break!" Snow said.

"wetin you mean?"

"I mean say your head for break the hammer na!"

"you dey mad!! Na your head go break hammer!!" i cursed.







Segun suddenly came in with his trouser rolled up.

“una no tell me say una toilet na water-close-me!!” He said.

“water-close-me!!”

“which one be water-close-me again?” I asked.

“ok! Sorry!! I no tell you sef, the toilet no gree flush again, the water dey come up” Snow said.

“ehnnnn!”

“how na?” I asked.

“you no know say the toilet don spoil, if you flush naso the water and the s’hit go rise like Garri wey them soak for cup” Snow said.

“kai! Nyamah!!!!”

“na why you roll your trouser?” I asked.

“Yes na! the water wey dey there dey reach me for my knee”




Now for record sake and no pun intended, this is how our Toilet look like:

It is in between Water closet and Pit, but closer to pit.

Our Toilet and Bathroom is in the same room.

Whenever I entered to bath, I always do “tonbon-tonbon” on whether to leave the door open or to shut it. You shut it, and you could die of suffocation and bad odour, open it and the girls in the next compound would deem it right to come out to gist thereby watching b'lue film for free.


"tonbon-tonbon......." did I hear some of you say "baskelebe"? Well, for those of you that don't know what it means, ask those that are "Olodo" and always fail exams as a result of their "tonbon-tonbon" nature.


In addition, the heat that emanates from our Toilet when one bent down to poo could crack an a’ss as strong as Aso rock, and melt an a'ss as soft as Nicki Minaj's. **Don't ask me how i knew it was soft. I don touch am na, for dream oh!***


Our Toilet reeks so much that whenever I entered to poo, I wished I could shut my mouth with Plastic of Paris.


And if you slip and fall and your head strikes the old tile on the floor of our Toilet? You are dead.

MannyAgyeiK:
Flow, you bad pass. Hahahahahahaha. Hei. I thought oga landlord got you for real. You get sense rough. Sharp guy. Anyway, let the story flow.

And there it Flows

ebukav:
Flow I don catch up GOD WIN. Guy as u jst strt d story my fone come spoil bt Tank God I don buy new one, come stil catch up with u guys jst in one day. ¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º° GOD WIN °º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸




Nice story bro, §.•´¨'°÷•..× GOD WIN ×,.•´¨'°÷•..§

No God win say you don reach here.

My advise to you: Go to the hospital and buy two cartons of ribs, keep one to yourself and give the other to a neighbour that is also reading this story, thereby you are loving your neighbour as you love yourself.

flow no go fit kill me abeg. I don laff ma intestine commot. Kudos 2 d guy wey sabi.
So i tot

ajumaxbabe:
flow no go fit kill me abeg. I don laff ma intestine commot. Kudos 2 d guy wey sabi.
So i tot

I dey sell intestine oh

No God win say you don reach here.

My advise to you: Go to the hospital and buy two cartons of ribs, keep one to yourself and give the other to a neighbour that is also reading this story, thereby you are loving your neighbour as you love yourself.


I don buy d ribs §.•´¨'°÷•..× GOD WIN ×,.•´¨'°÷•..§, na four cartons I buy, come change d one wen don spoil, come kip d remain 4 future use.

§.•´¨'°÷•..× GOD WIN ×,.•´¨'°÷•..§

Two days without update.........

Hummmm time to clear this little bush before flow1759 returns.......

To all the united fans ...... What's happening

Man Utd will buy the best players on the market and we'll be back! Make those Pensioners in London dey alert. The title is coming to Old Trafford next season. In God We Trust. In LvG We Stand. In Red Devils We Conquer. GGMU!!!!!!!!! UNITED FOREVER. Peace.

afta abt 5 days of readin,(non stop faa,xcept wen i wan slip), i don reach una 4 hia finally, pple wey dey compound bin tink say i don mad, mhen i just dey laff all thru,
oga flow u get mouth jare

FLOW NWANNE.... I DHEY WAIT FOR YOUR UPDATE MAKE E DHEY FLOW...

FLOW NWANNE.... I DHEY WAIT FOR YOUR UPDATE MAKE E DHEY FLOW...

Na Dis fuel palaver na im make flow nor fit update, no place to charge fone/laptop... Boss we dey w8 patiently o!

Naija, hmmm. U guys constantly suffering in wahala. Anyway, God dey. First, BH. Then, this. Haba. God must intervene.

eROCK247:
Na Dis fuel palaver na im make flow nor fit update, no place to charge fone/laptop... Boss we dey w8 patiently o!

Na him oh! Plus my system went bad.

But just keep logged. coming up............................................

flow dear i understand what dis fuel palaver has caused. I have missed ur story. It keeps me happy n hopeful abt life.

ajumaxbabe:
flow dear i understand what dis fuel palaver has caused. I have missed ur story. It keeps me happy n hopeful abt life.

Hi Babe...

Only God go help us for we country. Imagine 500 naira per litre