http://penastory.com/2016/01/04/my-love-begotten/

That sound was not what I hoped to be hearing at this time of the night when I am finding it difficult to answer nature’s call. Lying down too long on the sofa had put me into a sort of lazy mood, so lazy as to even push out anything. Nonetheless, I wanted to stop the dripping sound of water from the tap in my bathroom. From my position on the toilet seat I stared at the offending tap and felt too lazy to reach out to turn it completely, it seemed the disturbance didn’t annoy me as much as I thought. I wanted that sound to continue, it was better than the complete silence and my mind concentrated on the sound rather than Bare.

Few hours ago, I had gone to Bare’s apartment to pay him a surprise visit only to find him in tears. It was too early in the new year for anybody to be in sad, I had not even been aware of when the groceries I bought on my way to make us some nice meal dropped out of my hands. I rushed to his side and asked

“Baby, what’s wrong?” At first he did not respond. He sniffed and looked at me through tear filled eyes and when I repeated the question a second time, he patted the mattress beside him, indicating I sit down.

“Why should a grown man like you be crying?” I asked as I took his hands in mine, looking into his eyes searchingly. He stared back at me and then smiled. Does he want us to do it? I thought. But sex was the farthest thing from Bare’s mind when he opened his mouth and said

“You know I’m scared of losing you. I was only thinking of what it would be like if you were to ever leave me. You staying with me is still like a surprise.” He squeezed my hands like I was going to pull my hands away. I continued to look at him closely and he continued “Do you love me?”

Bare and I have been dating for only a week. Before then, he had been wooing me for two years during which he never stopped calling or sending messages to me. He gave all that he had. We were friends or should I say best friends; he listened to me even when I sounded stupid. Sometimes, I was tempted to say yes to him just because of how good he was to me but this was not about accepting him or not. This was about choosing right. I always saw myself as a jewel that didn’t want to suffer in any situation. I didn’t want a mere secondary school certificate holder with a job as bag maker. These bags weren’t Versaces, Guccis, Chanels or Daniel Jones, they were mere paper bags.

When Bare and I first met, the look I gave him gave the impression I was staring at dirt; flirty dirt. Whenever he came to my Aunty’s shop I never ignored him, neither did I show him any particular affection. He walked like he had three left legs and each time I picked his calls, his voice made me itch my ears afterwards. I always told him that his voice grated on my nerves. I thought he stunk of too much sweat but as time went by, our friendship grew. He began to change or maybe I was the one that changed as a result of what I was feeling. The change that was coming over me at that time wasn’t what I needed. I tried avoiding him and threw myself into school activities just to keep busy. “I don’t want him” I would say to myself.

I made several attempts to get a stable boyfriend. First, it was Fola, then came Dayo and the final one Fredrick. Though, Fredrick and I dated during the second year of my friendship with Bare. Most times, I weighed the impossibility of it all with its possibility, it always surpassed it all. Our friendship continued to grow and we became closer and closer with him constantly begging me “When will we stop being just friends?” I would make no response, smile and then change the subject.

Weeks passed and my secret feelings for Bare grew but I was sure nothing was ever going to come out of it until he kissed me last week. That kiss came as a surprise but it was the best I have ever had. I didn’t want to stop kissing him and when we eventually did, I found myself whispering “I love you.” That signified the beginning of refreshed self in happiness

Since we started our whirlwind romance, Bare had asked this question and in my usual manner I would quickly respond “I cannot live without you baby.” There was something different about the way he asked this time around. It was like he wanted some sort of reassurance, an everlasting reassurance that would mean he never had to ask again. The kind of reassurance I was sure I was not capable of giving him. Deep down I had answered the question but I couldn’t let that come out of my mouth. I began to cry myself. While I cried, I looked round the whole room. It was a shabby room of 8 by 12 meter. He had his bath right outside. Though he had saving, it wasn’t enough to set up a wedding and he said it still remained a little amount. I cooked in a corner of the room each time I came. Bare had assured me that in a couple of months he would have gathered enough to get a proper apartment. I continued to look around, the TV that seemed like it would look better at some antique store, the threadbare mattress we were sitting on not to mention the badly accented way he spoke English. How was I to tell my family about this man? How could I tell father that after all my education, I am choosing to spend the rest of my life with a paper bag maker? Mother would disown me without thinking twice no doubt and before doing so would be sure to remind me of how other people’s children were getting married to Lawyers, Engineers and Doctors. I would be twenty-three in two months and although my lover had a good seven years start in life ahead of me, I have a better life than him. A Bsc. in Mass Communications, a good job, a good apartment and I had just recently bought my first car. There were other guys waiting for my yes but none of them knew me as much as he did. He saw through me to bring out the best. Neither father nor father would ever understand that or want to understand.

I knew what I had to do, this madness had to stop. I jumped to my feet and walked to the door. He stood up too, unsure of what I was doing. It broke my heart to see him that way and I ran back and with all the love I could muster, I hugged him. The tears ran down my face as I hurriedly said “I can’t stay. Let’s call it a day.” Bare raised his head and gave me a goodbye kiss. At least that was how I saw it, “a goodbye kiss.” I walked out of that place knowing I was never going to go back. His eyes followed me and although I didn’t look back, I could see it as I pushed aside the dirty curtain and made my escape. I knew I was walking away from the only man that gave my soul a reason to live and that part of me was left behind in that shabby room.

I cried all the way home with the car stereo blasting something I wasn’t listening to. Getting home, a part of me still wanted to find him. Sitting on this toilet seat and listening to the drip-drop sound of the dripping tap oddly brought comfort to my aching heart.

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