It is not uncommon to fall in love with and ultimately marry someone who has already got a child. And whether it is a man who is marrying a woman moving in with a child or it is a woman marrying a man who has already got a child, there can be no real harmony in the family until there is a positive relationship between all family members, particularly between the step-parent and the step-child.

While it is understandable to feel scared and overwhelmed at the prospects of being a step-parent—as step-parents are automatically considered devil, step-parenting can actually be a very rewarding and fulfilling endeavour if you are able to bond with your step-child.

Below are a few suggestions on how to connect with a step-child as a parent.

Give Yourselves Time To Develop Affinity

The sooner you realize that it takes time for love, acceptance and emotional connection to occur and give yourself and your step-child time for this to happen, the better you all will be for it. This is one of the initial mistakes that both step-parents and biological parents make: expecting that the newly arrived step-parent and the step-child will hit it off straightaway and become an inseparable pair as parent and child!

Truth is that depending on the age of the child, it will take between two to ten years or more for true bonding to occur. Evidence gotten from research suggests that children under five years will most likely bond with the step-parent within two years. Older children—teenagers in particular, however, may take many more years to truly connect and bond with you emotionally. So do not expect that your step-child will instantly accept you. Give room to the possibility that they may be indifferent towards you. Over time, as you interact as a family, serving and being of help to one another and gradually create cherished moments together, there will come the time when your step-child will feel truly connected with you enough to accept you fully.

If You Are ‘Replacing’ A Late Biological Parent, Allow Room For The Child To Grieve For And Remember The Parent

When a child has lost their biological parent, they go through a grieving period. If this grieving period is not yet over when you come into their life as a step-parent, it is important you give the child space and time to grieve for and remember the late parent. Unless you allow the child room to grieve and completely get over the pain of losing their biological parent, they will most likely react negatively towards you because in their mind, you have come to take over from and make their late parent inconsequential and wipe clean the memory of them. To minimize the chances of a negative response towards you from the child, you should not be too quick in making sweeping changes, replacing items such as pictures and other household items that bear the trace of the late parent. Rather, you should find ways to help the child remember their parent by listening to stories about the parent, displaying photos of the parent in their room or planning a memorial activity on the parent’s birthday or on the day of their passing.

In The Case Of A Divorce, Allow Children To Keep Their Loyalties And Encourage Contact With The Non-Custodial Biological Parents

If your spouse is a divorcee, and the other biological parent of the child is still living or if the child was born out of wedlock and their other biological parent has been involved in their life up until now, then you must necessarily appreciate the fact that the child would most likely desire to retain the relationship they have with their non-custodial biological parent.

If the child feels even slightly that you are desirous of impeding their relationship with their non-custodial biological parent, your efforts to develop a harmonious relationship with them will suffer greatly, especially if they enjoy their relationship with this parent. So you should encourage the child to maintain their contact with this parent. This way, she wouldn’t see you are as a threat to her relationship with her non-custodial parent but as another parent figure in her life.

On the other hand, if the child enjoys you more than their non-custodial biological parent, they may experience mixed feelings because they fear that liking you somehow means they disapprove of their non-custodial biological parent. So they are torn between accepting you—and allowing their relationship with you to flourish—and maintaining loyalty to their non-custodial biological parent. This state of emotional turmoil may push the child into assuming a hostile and defiant stance towards you on occasions. The best way to help the child work through this emotional turmoil is to allow them the freedom and actively encourage them to remain connected with the non-custodial biological parent. Over time, the child will realize that they can actually have the best of the two worlds—they can enjoy a healthy relationship with both you and their non-custodial biological parent; they don’t have to close up their heart towards one so to have a relationship with the other.

Encourage Your Spouse To Spend Time Alone With The Child From Time To Time

Having lost one parent, the remaining parent is the major source of emotional support that the child has. As such, he will be very dependent on the parent for emotional connection and support. Encouraging your spouse to spend time alone with the child will enhance the emotional well-being of the child and fast-track the healing process, making your integration as a family easier and smoother. So while you would desire to spend as much time with your spouse to enhance the quality of your relationship, you should not always be glued to his side or look to engage all of his attention when you are all together. Look to see that the child and their remaining biological parent have plenty time alone for her to enjoy ‘emotional refreshment’. Once they are emotionally refreshed, once their need for emotional connection has been satisfied, they might be more excited and relaxed about spending time with you. More so, they will not resent you for ‘‘taking up all of daddy’s attention’’

Be Consistently Affectionate To The Child But Let Them Respond To You On Their Own

One of the critical ingredient that will enhance your relationship with your step-child is trust. Trust is a core component is building love between two people and it’s not going to be any different between you and your step-child. As your step-child observes your affectionate actions towards her, such as: paying full attention when she talks with you, keeping confidential information confident, taking genuine interest in what she is doing and what interest her, making efforts and sacrificing for her wellbeing e. t. c., she will most likely eventually open up to develop a workable relationship—and maybe, even a parent-child—relationship with you.

While you do your best to show affections to your step-child, you should allow her the freedom to respond to you at her own pace. Don’t force yourself on her if she remains aloof and cautious. Mostly, this disposition is a representation of a child’s confusion over their new relationship with you and their loss from the past. Eventually, the love you show your step-child will win over and your step-child will hopefully, accept you fully.

Let The Biological Parent Take The Lead With Discipline

One of the areas of difficulty and confusion for you as a new step-parent would be in regards to setting limit, teaching values and enforcing discipline. At the early stage, you lack authority due to a weak—although growing—relationship with your step-child. To make your efforts more productive, you and your spouse—the biological parent—should work as a unified team to enforce discipline in the home.

Firstly, you and your spouse should agree on a set of rules and a code of conduct as well as a system of discipline for your household. Then the biological parent can communicate this to the child.

Secondly, once the code of behavior and the consequent punishment for violation has been agreed upon, your spouse, the biological parent should communicate it to the child and pass power to you, the step-parent for enforcing punishment. If a rule is violated, it is the household’s rule that is violated and not your rule. In the event of such, you will have the authority to execute punishment on the behalf of biological parent of your step-child. Later, when your spouse gets into the picture, they should support the decisions you made with regards to the punishment you meted out—hopefully, it will be in line with the agreed-upon standard for the family—and emphasize their expectations that the child obey the you all the time in the future. Over time, your position with the child will gradually solidify until you have attained the full status of a parent

Written By: Tervel T Kejih'
Founding Coordinator,
Tutorsperexcellence.com

Good write up op. Bonding with steps can be a prey difficult thing o, speaking from experience. In this part of the world where people can be very occultic and self centred in homes.

I will advice single men/women without a child to stay clear of single mothers and fathers.The hassles involved is not worth it.Better to build your own family from the get-go and bond effectively.