Lennycool:
Chapter. 1
Hammick looked ahead at the gathering of unruly half-drunk peasants in front of him and cursed the gods.
"Order." He bellowed, and the crowd turned silent, Hammick looked around the large torch lit hall, rubbed his hairy jaw and cleared his throat.
"Now you all know, why we're here." Hammick said in a voice that revealed his weariness.
"Em, I don't." Shouted someone in the crowd, hammick closed his eyes, resisting the urge to scream, he let out a huff of air and reopened them.
"For the seventh time, we're here because we've been threatened with war." Hammick said slowly.
"Who threatened us again?" Someone asked.
"I hear it's the barbarians." Someone else answered.
"The barbarians? What the Bleep do they want with us? We don't have shit worth taking."
"That's what I thought too."
"Quiet down you useless shits." Hammick screamed and again the hall turned silent and hammick continued.
"The barbarians have threatened us with war, so we must be ready." He looked around at the raised platform he stood on.
"Where's the Oracle?" Hammick asked the person beside him, a young lad named John or was it Alfred? uhh who gives a shit thought hammick.
"I think he's late." John or Alfred disclosed.
"You don't say." Hammick responded, then he looked up and cursed the gods again. Hammick then fixed his gaze back on the peasants.
"Sorry about that, now where were we?"
"Something about barbarians I think." Someone replied.
"Uh yes barbarians, now_"
"Sorry I'm late." Someone shouted, parting through the sea of peasants as the person approached the platform, the Oracle appeared, climbing up the platform, he stood next to hammick, beads of sweat rolling down his face.
"Sorry. I got caught up in one of my visions from the future again." The Oracle said to hammick.
"What did you see this time?" Hammick asked, more out of habit than curiosity. The Oracle looked at hammick, his expression dead serious as he brought his face closer to hammick's.
"Two words." The Oracle said in a hushed tone.
"Global Warming." The Oracle revealed with fright.
"What's that?" Hammick asked, now truly curious, the Oracle shrugged, his expression turning back to normal.
"How the bloody hell should I know, but it's big in the twenty-first century, believe me." Hammick sighed.
"Just talk to them." Hammick instructed pointing to the crowd of about six hundred people.
"Fine." The Oracle said turning to the crowd.
"You all know the barbarians are coming." The Oracle started, patting his thick robes.
"And our only hope is to fight." He continued.
"How do you know that?" Simon the Shepard asked from the front of the crowd, the Oracle squinted his eyes at simon.
"I know that because I am the Oracle."
"Well did you actually see it?" Simon asked, the Oracle seemed unprepared for the question.
"Well_"
"Well no." The Oracle admitted, hammick slapped his palm across his face, and once again cursed the gods.
"All I keep getting from the spirits is porn." The Oracle revealed.
"Not that I'm complaining or anything." He added, smiling as he glanced up at the ceiling.
"Porn, what's that?" Simon asked.
"Only one of the greatest accomplishments of the future, its a sort of_"
"That's enough." Hammick boomed, startling the crowd, hammick was very impressed at his vocal skills. He shoved the Oracle aside, reclaiming the centre of the platform once again.
"If the barbarians get here with a fully prepared army, we're bleeped." Hammick peered at the crowd, praying they understood the weight of those words.
"A few days from now the barbarians will camp out at black lake, they'll be tired and hungry, but most importantly they'll be weak."
"Oh I get you, then we'll go there and beg for mercy." Someone whose name hammick didn't know or care to know interrupted from the front, hammick glared at him.
"No." Hammick stressed.
"We don't beg for mercy, we attack their tired barbarian arses at black lake." Hammick explained.
"That doesn't sound like a good plan." The nameless person argued.
"Well no one asked you." Hammick reminded.
"Fine, but when this all blows up in your arses, don't say Alonso never warned you." The previously nameless person hammick now knew as Alonso warned.
"Suck a prick Alonso." Someone yelled from the crowd, followed by laughter. Hammick straightened the smile off his face and continued.
"If we do nothing, the barbarians will kill us, take our lands and our women." Someone laughed, hammick folded his fingers into fist.
"Who laughed?" Hammick demanded, and a hand shot up from the middle of the crowd, the bastard didn't even have the decency to hide hammick thought. The person walked closer to the platform, a big scraggly fellow, hammick instantly recognised as Eric the stonemason.
"Why did you laugh Eric?" Hammick inquired, more tired than angry now, controlling nitwits was no easy task. Eric had the gall to laugh again.
"Well it's just that you said they would take our women." Eric explained.
"And why is that funny?" Hammick asked.
"Well its just because I know they wouldn't take my wife." Eric clarified, hammick sighed.
"And why do you think that?" He asked again.
"Are you kidding? have you seen my wife, she's uglier than a shit stained wall, I'm getting a de-rection just thinking about her." Eric said to the amusement of everyone but hammick.
"And you think that will matter to the barbarians?" Hammick asked.
"Of course it will, I'm her husband and even I won't Bleep her." Eric disclosed, causing another round of laughter from everyone but hammick, who just starred ahead and once more cursed the gods.
"Well then you must have something you care about?" Hammick requested, eager to end the interference.
"Well there is this pure white stallion I got a week ago, real beauty this one, plus it has excellent mileage, and I'm talking about going for miles on just a half bag of hay." Eric replied.
"Its my pride and joy." Eric added, wiping what looked like a tear drop from his cheek.
"Then there you go. Something worth dying for." Hammick said to Eric, mentally stabbing himself with a pitchfork.
"See. We all have something worth dying for!" Hammick boomed to the crowd.
"Now who's ready to fight the barbarians?" Hammick screamed, a barely audible cheer went up from the crowd, but that wouldn't dampen hammick's spirit, not when he'd come so far, he cleared his throat.
"Who's ready to die for our home?" Hammick boomed again, this time he only got three coughs in return.
"Shit." Hammick whispered to himself, that's it we're doomed, he summarized, but the Oracle stepped in.
"Allow me." The Oracle requested, and hammick hesitantly stepped aside, all eyes then turned to the Oracle, who cleared his throat.
"Well how many of you don't want a fourteen inch barbarian cock up your asshole?" The Oracle asked simply, all hands were raised in the hall. The Oracle nodded, he'd expected as much.
"Well then, the gods have shown me that's exactly what will happen if we don't fight."
"I thought you said they only showed you porn?" Someone inquired.
"Only on Mondays and Wednesdays, the rest of the time its keeping up with the kardashians." The Oracle clarified,
"But on rare occasions the gods do give me a glimpse into our future. And I see all your assholes being stuffed with hairy barbarian cock. If we don't fight that is."
"Really?" Simon the Shepard asked, both his hands now involuntarily clutching his butt cheeks.
"Yes." The Oracle answered gravely.
"And I fear some of you will be gangbanged." Gasp's echoed throughout the hall. Sad indeed, thought the Oracle.
"Frankly I would have gotten alot more from the vision, but you were all screaming like a woman in labour as your assholes were being rammed. And that really messes with reception." The Oracle revealed.
"So there you have it folks." Hammick shouted.
"Defending your home, not getting your assholes stuffed by barbarian cock. Same thing." Hammick once again pushed the Oracle aside.
"Now who wants to fight some bloody barbarians?" Hammick asked, this time a halfhearted cheer went up from the crowd, but that was good enough for hammick.
Updates will come. Comments are always appreciated Hello Lennycool, Ever considered making money doing what you love doing? Register as a writer on penpee.com. You do not have to be a professional writer,our editors will vet before publication. Some of our editors have worked for top media houses in the UK, USA and in Nigeria. Once you post it on our website ( www.penpee.com)and is verified by our team; you get paid each time a new person reads a chapter of your story  This means you can invite friends to read your story in Penpee.com and get paid for each view! Writers can withdraw their accumulated credits into their PayPal or any bank account in Nigeria, or anywhere else in the world. Register for free today! Every member is awarded welcome credits, they can be accumulated over time or purchased. Credits earned are used to read online stories. Anyone can join as a writer, once you possess the skill and present authentic stories. Go ahead now and join www.penpee.com to start reading and posting your own short stories. NEW!!! All writers receive $10 on their first published chapter...isn't that amazing Be in touch with Penpee  We are available online 24/7 or you can reach us at support@penpee.com |
