Hi Pals drop ur jokes about lawyers here.
here i go


Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk to his office. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while saying, "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than $1 million. Yes. The appeals court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument, and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while, the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.

"I'm sorry for the delay," he said, "but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer , you're in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfie d with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvement s. After a while, they've got air conditionin g, flush toilets and escalators; the engineer soon becomes a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer: "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great! We've got air conditionin g, flush toilets, and escalators! And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next!"

God exclaims: "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan, standing his ground, challenges: "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God replies threatening ly: "Send him back up here or I'll sue!"

Satan laughs uproariousl y and answers: "Yeah, right! And just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.

When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, "Sorry, heaven's crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."

He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?" "Oh, that's easy," the teacher replied, "the Titanic." So St. Peter let her into heaven.

Next he turned to the petty thief. "How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asked. "Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1, 500." St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.

Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer. He simply said to him: "Name them."

NEXT

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!"

St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case.

After investigati ng, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that there is no mistake my son,

We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and according to that, you're at least 108 years old!"

NEXT

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial. It went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequentl y observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then, officer -- do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A. You see, sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

NEXT
The pilot on a small plane announced that the plane was going to crash and it's every man for himself. The pilot and co-pilot then grabbed two parachutes and jumped out of the plane. The four passengers, an old priest, a 10 year old boy, a brain surgeon and an attorney, ran to the storage area for the remaining parachutes -- there were only three left.

The brain surgeon said, "There is only one other doctor in the world that can perform the type of surgery I do, and I can save thousands of lives, I'm too needed to die" -- so he grabbed a pack and jumped.

The attorney then pushed aside the priest and the 10 year old, grabbed a pack and explained, "Since I am an attorney, my life should be saved because I have superior knowledge and intelligenc e and am very much needed to advise all the thousands of people less brillant than me", and then he jumped.

The old priest turned to the young boy and said, "Son, take the last parachute, I have had a full life and am at peace with my Maker, you have your whole life to live yet".

The young boy was shaking his head "no" -- Don't worry Father, he said, "we both will be ok -- you know that guy who said he had superior knowledge and intelligenc e -- well, instead of grabbing a parachute pack, he grabbed my backpack!

Marriage in Heaven

A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven.
St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.

Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.

He says, "I'm still working on it."

Two years pass by and no marriage.

St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.

Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.

The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.

"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.

St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?

more to come when i return

LOL keep them coming

A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud", and then he would swerve back on the road.

As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.

"I'll give you a lift."

The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud." Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer."

The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day and found him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his dick. In an attempt to hide his full erection, Johnny's father bent over as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asked curiously, "What ya doin', Dad?"

His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed."

Johnny replied, "What ya gonna do, Bleep him?"