Stats: 3,190,293 members, 7,940,159 topics. Date: Wednesday, 04 September 2024 at 06:24 PM |
Nairaland Forum / Entertainment / Jokes Etc / Jokes Update 24%7 (702 Views)
Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego *VIDEO* / Funny Jokes Update With Mc Love / Nigeria Jokes Update With Aunty Ije Ewooo (2) (3) (4)
Jokes Update 24%7 by Nobody: 2:27pm On Jun 03, 2017 |
A wise girl saw her male
classmates plucking mangoes,
she pleaded them for one
but they refused and told
her to climb and pluck hers,
she climbed and plucked as many as she wanted. when she got home her
mother asked, where did
you pluck all this mangoes
from? She answered, i saw my male
classmates plucking mangoes
and i pleaded to them to
give me one but they
refused and said i should
climb and pluck mine, so i climbed and plucked all this
mangoes. The mother shouted, foolish
girl, don't you know they
only wanted to see your
pant? The girl smiled and said, i
know mama, that's why i
removed my pant before
climbing. |
Re: Jokes Update 24%7 by Nobody: 2:28pm On Jun 03, 2017 |
4 nuns stand in line ready to
confess their sins to the
priest. 1st one enters.. Nun1: ''Father,forgive me for
i have sinned.I seen the male
thing''. Priest: ''Say 10 Our Fathers
and wash your eyes in the
Holy water''. 2nd nun enters.. Nun2: ''Forgive me Father for
i have sinned.I've touched
male thing''. Priest: ''Say 20 Our Fathers
and wash your hand in the
Holy water''. 3th nun wants to enter but
4th one pushes her and
enters before her.. Nun4: ''Father!You are crazy
if you think I will wash my
mouth after She washes her
ass in the Holy water''! |
Re: Jokes Update 24%7 by Nobody: 2:29pm On Jun 03, 2017 |
1. Mother and her innocent child A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?” The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!” The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.” And the mother instantly kept quite. |
Re: Jokes Update 24%7 by Nobody: 2:30pm On Jun 03, 2017 |
2. Couple going on vacation A couple was supposed to go on a vacation, but his wife was on a business trip so the man went to the destination first, expecting his wife to join him the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was sent instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. READ ALSO:Hilarious Short Nigerian Comedy Collection When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. It’s sure hot down here. |
Re: Jokes Update 24%7 by Nobody: 2:31pm On Jun 03, 2017 |
3. A Professor and a Sailor A Professor was traveling by boat. Shortly on the way, he asked the sailor: “Do you know Biology, Ecology, Zoology, Geography, Physiology? But the sailor replied no to all his questions. Professor: What the hell do you know on earth. You will die of illiteracy. Just after a while, the boat started sinking. The Sailor turned and asked the Professor, do you know swiminology and escapology from sharkology? The professor said no. Sailor: “Well, sharkology and crocodilogy will eat your assology, headology & you will dieology because of your mouthology….. |
Re: Jokes Update 24%7 by Nobody: 2:32pm On Jun 03, 2017 |
A bus carrying many people
crashed on an icy road,
burst into flames, and
everyone died. Upon arrival
in heaven, God said, "Since
you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish
before I let you into
heaven." The first woman, being a
person always concerned on
her looks, comes up to God
and says "I wish to be
beautiful." God grants her
wish. The next person can’t
decide on what to wish for,
so he ends up wishing for
the same thing. At this point
a man at the very back of
the line starts to laugh. The next couple, seeing how
utterly wondrous the two
have become, make their
wish to become beautiful
also, and the man at the
end laughs even louder. One after another, the people
wish for the same thing. The closer God gets to the
end of the line, the harder
the man laughs. When God
finally reaches him, he asks
"What is your wish my son?" The man says, "Make them all ugly
again!" |
Re: Jokes Update 24%7 by Nobody: 2:33pm On Jun 03, 2017 |
5. A Psychiatrist and his Psychos At a psychiatric home, a psychiatrist decided to test how his patients were responding to treatments so far. He drew a car on a paper and hung it on the wall and asked them to help him push it. They all started pushing the car except one. The psychiatrist became happy in anticipation that the man was really responding to his treatments. He calmly went to him and asked him why he is not pushing the car with the rest? And he responded – “those men pushing that car are mad.” The psychiatrist became the more happier and asked the mad man why he said they are mad? The mad man replied and said – “because, am the one with the keys of that car they are wasting their time to push.” The Psychiatrist on hearing this, fainted. |
Re: Jokes Update 24%7 by Nobody: 2:33pm On Jun 03, 2017 |
6. An 18 year old boy and married women A drunk 18 year old boy asked a married woman out, the woman got pissed & told her husband.. The husband told her to invite the boy so that he can beat the hell out of him. The woman did what her husband requested as he was hiding under the bed… When the boy got there, he took off his t-shirt and his body was full of scars… This made the woman to ask, “why have you so many scars?” The boy replied, “my job is to lay married women & usually I get caught so I always kill their husbands. If someone shows up now he will be number 20 on my murder list… The boy continued, as the woman tried to reach out her husband under the bed, a small voice came up, “If you tell him am here, I will deal with you!” |
Re: Jokes Update 24%7 by Nobody: 2:34pm On Jun 03, 2017 |
7. A lucky mum and her three daughters A mum was lucky enough to see her three daughters wed in the same year, so she whispered to each of them “After your weddings,text me your first night experience and don’t forget to text it in a coded way!” After a week, the first daughter sent ‘NESCAFE’ in an sms to her mum while a week later, the second sent ‘BENSON’. Their mum, as a ‘soji woman’ picked up a tin of Nescafe and read from the label “fantastic till the last drop!” She also went to her husband’s pack of Benson cigarettes and found written on it “Extra long, king size!” she thought aloud “not too bad for them at their age” A few days later, her third daughter’s text comes in, “Arik: Lagos – Kano!”. So Mum decided to call Arik Air information desk to inquire about their Kano to Lagos flight. And She was told, “It is a 3 times daily, 7 days a week and the flight duration is 75 minutes to and fro!” Mama throws herself up in the air, lands, slumps and fainted shouting… “Yeeeeee! Eleyi ma pa mi lomo ooo! ( this one will kill my daughter ooo!)” |
Re: Jokes Update 24%7 by Nobody: 2:34pm On Jun 03, 2017 |
8. The Preacher and the congregation A Preacher said: “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river”. And the congregation cried,”Amen!” “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it in the river”. And the congregation cried,”Amen!” “And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world, I’d take it all and throw it in the river”. Again the congregation cried,”Amen!” The preacher sat down. The deacon then stood up and said: “For our closing hymn, let’s turn to page 126 of our hymn books and sing, ‘We shall drink from that river”. THE CONGREGATION SCREAMED HALLELUJAH!! |
Re: Jokes Update 24%7 by Nobody: 2:35pm On Jun 03, 2017 |
A man escapes from a prison
where he's been locked up
for 15 years. He breaks into
a house to look for money
and guns. Inside, he finds a
young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed
and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's
wife to the bed, the convict
gets on top of her, kisses
her neck, then gets up and
goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the
husband whispers over to
his wife: "Listen, this guy is
an escaped convict. Look at
his clothes! He's probably
spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in
years. I saw how he kissed
your neck. If he wants sex,
don't resist, don't complain...
do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how
much he nauseates you. This
guy is obviously very
dangerous. If he gets angry,
he'll kill us both. Be strong,
honey. I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't
kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told
me that he's gay, thinks
you're cute, and asked if we
had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the
bathroom. Be |
Re: Jokes Update 24%7 by Nobody: 2:36pm On Jun 03, 2017 |
9. A psychiatrist on a group therapy examination A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.. .”You all have obsessions ,”he observed. READ ALSO:Joke: The Life Of A Talkative Is 50: 50 To the first mother, Mary, he said,”You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”He turned to the second Mom, Ann: “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.” He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: “Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy.” At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. “Come on, Dick, we’ re leaving!” |
Re: Jokes Update 24%7 by Nobody: 2:37pm On Jun 03, 2017 |
A father passing by his son's
bedroom was astonished to
see the bed was nicely made
and everything was picked
up. Then, he saw an
envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It
was addressed, 'Dad'. With
the worst premonition, he
opened the envelope and
read the letter, with
trembling hands. Dear, Dad. It is with great
regret and sorrow that I'm
writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend,
because I wanted to avoid a
scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion
with Stacy. She is so nice,
but I knew you would not
approve of her because of
all her piercing's, tattoos,
her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much
older than I am. But it's not only the passion,
Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy
said that we will be very
happy. She owns a trailer in
the woods, and has a stack
of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of
having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes
to the fact that marijuana
doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for
ourselves and trading it with
the other people in the commune for all the cocaine
and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray
that science will find a cure
for AIDS so that Stacy can
get better. She sure
deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and
I know how to take care of
myself. Someday, I'm sure
we'll be back to visit so you
can get to know your many
grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S . Dad, none of the above
is true. I'm over at Jason's
house. I just wanted to
remind you that there are
worse things in life than the
school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is
safe for me to come home! |
Re: Jokes Update 24%7 by Nobody: 2:47pm On Jun 03, 2017 |
AKPOS: How far na for our
discussion, you no go follow
me go? KWAME: I Don't think so. I'm
just to occupied these days. AKPOS: Na wa for you o. You
dey fall my hand too much.
No yawa na. KWAME: Whatever. Go look
for someone else please, but
Akpos, why don't you speak
English? You always interact
with pidgin English. AKPOS: Meaning? KWAME: I'm using English and
you are replying with pidgin
English. AKPOS: I see.... You must be
an idiot and if you aren't,
you've made a world class
effort at simulating one. I
feel debased just knowing
you exist. You are a bloody nardless newbie twit
protohominid chromosomally
aberrant caricature of a
coprohagic cloacal parasitic
pond scum. Goddamn living
emptiness like you! Belligerent barratrous
bigoted niccompu KWAME: Wetin be all this one
na?!!! AKPOS: So you can speak
pidgin English too 1 Like |
Re: Jokes Update 24%7 by Nobody: 2:50pm On Jun 03, 2017 |
My dad and my mum were
watching one American movie
yesterday evening, when I
heard the sound from the
movie, I decided to join them,
as we were watching the movie, a young boy like my
age started romancing his
madam's sister, they kissed
and when the guy's hand
crossed the girl’s private
part, I looked straight into my dad’s eyes and I noticed
that his eyes has changed,
then all my attention went
straight to the video. They were still kissing, when
they both fell into the chair
close to them I knew
something was about to
happen and the guy was
about to open the girl's bra . . .when MY DADDY looked at
me with hard eyes and
shouted with a loud voice “MICHEAL" have you ironed
the car”?? I was carried away and I said
NO LIGHT SIR. |
Re: Jokes Update 24%7 by Nobody: 2:50pm On Jun 03, 2017 |
Frank was getting ready to
go on a trip to New York for
the first time, and was
talking to his friend Bill. Bill: “While you are in New
York, there is a bar that
you have to go to. When you
walk through the front
door, you are handed a free
drink. Then you can go to the back room and get laid.
Come back up to the bar,
and you get another free
drink. Then you can get laid
again. It goes on like this all
night.” Frank: “That sounds
unbelievable. Have you really
been there?” Bill: “No, but my sister has.” 1 Like |
Re: Jokes Update 24%7 by Nobody: 2:53pm On Jun 03, 2017 |
“I recall my first time with a
condom, I was 16 or so. I
went in to buy a packet of
condoms at the pharmacy.
There was this beautiful
woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see
that I was new at it. She
handed me the package and
asked if I knew how to wear
one. I honestly answered,
‘No, this is my first time.’ So she unwrapped the
package, took one out and
slipped it over her thumb.
She cautioned me to make
sure it was on tight and
secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she
looked all around the store
to see if it was empty. It
was empty. ‘Just a minute,’ she said,
and walked to the door, and
locked it. Taking my hand,
she led me into the back
room, unbuttoned her blouse
and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it
aside. ‘Do these excite
you?’ She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck
that all I could do was nod
my head. She then said it
was time to slip the condom
on. As I was slipping it on,
she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay
down on a desk. ‘Well, come on’, she said,
‘We don’t have much
time.’ So I climbed on her. It
was so wonderful, that
unfortunately, I could no
longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was
done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit
of a frown. ‘Did you put
that condom on?’ she
asked. I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held
up my thumb to show her. She fainted.” 1 Like |
(1) (Reply)
Unbelievable!!! Two Yahoo Boys Caught With 3 Rotten Blood Stained Heads In Lagos / Most Hilarious Movements Caught On Camera Laugh Challenge. / Funny - A Marriage Invitation
(Go Up)
Sections: politics (1) business autos (1) jobs (1) career education (1) romance computers phones travel sports fashion health religion celebs tv-movies music-radio literature webmasters programming techmarket Links: (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (8) (9) (10) Nairaland - Copyright © 2005 - 2024 Oluwaseun Osewa. All rights reserved. See How To Advertise. 63 |