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Nairaland Forum / Entertainment / Literature / Pause: (poem :pls Read And Criticise) (828 Views)
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Pause: (poem :pls Read And Criticise) by goodieyar(f): 11:51am On Feb 09, 2010 |
[font=Lucida Sans Unicode][/font] PAUSE When you walk by , I can not help but stare. When you look in my direction , I can not help but overreact. When you speak to me i just want to press PAUSE, I just want to savour the moment and hold you in my arms because when I unfreeze, We're back, back, back to reality, Where I can not hold you . I do not want anything from you, All I want is to know you feel my presence, to know what is going on in you mind? But that's never going to happen , so, PLAY |
Re: Pause: (poem :pls Read And Criticise) by 2tait: 1:14pm On Mar 12, 2010 |
It is only the author that knows what he/she wants to convey in a poem, so ultimately you are the best critic of your poem. Having said that I suggest you change the title to "pause and play". I guess from the way you concluded the poem that you intended to create a suspense. The poem also contained some contradictions e.g. "I do not want anything from you, All I want is , " But then you can explain that as style. Good work Goodie. Keep writing |
Re: Pause: (poem :pls Read And Criticise) by estrella(f): 8:56am On Mar 24, 2010 |
I like the concept of uncontrolled time you were trying to pass across in your poem.I must say that the poem ended rather abruptly.You would make a more lasting impression if you spent a little time convying what you would do if you had the chance to freeze time and the effect this beauty has on you.Like a wise critic once told me;don't be in a hurry to finish! cheers! |
Re: Pause: (poem :pls Read And Criticise) by shinken(m): 10:46am On Mar 25, 2010 |
ur poem is outstanding.i like it.kind of reminds me of hiro nakamura in the heroes series.season two to be specific.where he froze time to better observe a lady he loved, sweet concept.keep writing,i'll keep reading.cheers |
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