chaircover:

Wow.

True True, this is an example of men not listening to women and then barking up the wrong tree getting it all wrong.

If what the poster says is true, then she has every right to feel the way she does. No one including you will want to remain in a lonely, loveless marriage.

If she was having an affair and was bent on leaving her husband, she wouldn't listen to or agree to anyone's advise here but will continue to hammer on receiving help on getting information on how to divorce her husband.

Try and read all her posts.

Even judges will tell you that divorce is not the best and should only be used when all other means have been exhausted.Jumping into a divorce because the husband is in a depressed phase is a lil fishy and besides. . .what's with women and this "lonely,loveless,unhappy" syndrome.The happiest time in any union is the dating phase and the first year of marriage.After that, it's facing reality,challenges and huddles.For any supposedly "happy" marriage you see, just know that one or both of them is putting up with a lot of crap to keep the marriage going.As far as i am concerned, THERE IS NOTHING LIKE A HAPPY MARRIAGE! After the novelty clears, it's all about endurance.I thank God i'm not giving into pressure to marry soon.I'll enjoy my bachelorhood until i feel the need to have kids.This "love" thing is a sham.If it really existed, NO ONE WOULD BE SEEKING DIVORCE.it's about lies,lies and more lies.

One more thing. . .you women keep talking about "being happy", or "searching for happiness" and so on.What is the guarantee that the poster will find this "happiness" she seeks in the arms of another man? Coz from my experience and that of others, women's quest for "happiness" is a lifetime thing.They are always looking for it.Even when the have it in abundance, they still look out for other "flavors".They are never satisfied.If they meet a nice man, they wished he was a bad guy.When they meet a guy who doesn't cheat, they cheat on him instead.If the guy professes his love for her all the time, they think he's a sissy.If he doesn't,they say he doesn't love them.

No wonder men die early.

^^^^^
Wow. So much venom harakiri.

No offence meant but it seems like someone has worked  quite a number on you. On the contrary there are happy marraiges.

True every marraige has its own challenges. But you'll agree with me that life is not a smoothly paved road. There are bumpy turns every now and then.

And women are not as complicated as you think. Just that you guys don't take time to understand us.

@ Harakiri: Thanks for your opinion. (although, I cant say I appreciate it) 
Would like to point out there is a lot of things to benefit from love and relationships than sheet warming. There is the friendship, companionship, closeness, confidence, trust,  All these are important; to me even MUCH more important. All these I have had with my husband. All these are now gone from our relationship.

Not that I need to respond to this, but I was never looking for another man. Not getting my sheets warmed either. I wont try to convince you of anything here.

@ others who might want an update:
So, the sunday of my last post, I sent him a short, loving email (just like he hates talking, he doesnt appreciate having to read long talk whether text, email, ).  I attached recent photos of our baby. Only a few hours ago, he sent a short, shorttttttt reply to the effect that I was doing an excellent job of takin care of the baby and he was "sorry all this is happening".

I dont mean this is in a bad way, but it seemed like he simply copied and pasted the short, short responses he has ALWAYS given me after treating me so badly(in the recent year and a half). He just reads like he doesnt mean it. I want to get back the only man that I have loved for almost all of my adult life but I dont want to feel like I am "forcing him" to be with me. I dont even know how to respond to this email that wont set off another chain of "only God knows what".
I have a question: What is it that can make afull-blooded Nigerian man hurt his loved ones over and over again, even though he implies that he doesnt mean to do so? Depression, yes. But what else? ( I dont think its a "someone" cos nobody ever makes him do anything that he doesnt want to? 
Anyone know??

spicymum:

@ Harakiri: Thanks for your opinion. (although, I cant say I appreciate it) 
Would like to point out there is a lot of things to benefit from love and relationships than sheet warming. There is the friendship, companionship, closeness, confidence, trust,  All these are important; to me even MUCH more important. All these I have had with my husband. All these are now gone from our relationship.
I wont try to convince you of anything here, so,

@ others who might want an update:
So, the sunday of my last post, I sent him a short, loving email (just like he hates talking, he doesnt appreciate having to read long talk whether text, email, ).  I attached recent photos of our baby. Only a few hours ago, he sent a short, shorttttttt reply to the effect that I was doing an excellent job of takin care of the baby and he was "sorry all this is happening".

I dont mean this is in a bad way, but it seemed like he simply copied and pasted the short, short responses he has ALWAYS given me after treating me so badly(in the recent year and a half). He just reads like he doesnt mean it. I want to get back the only man that I have loved for almost all of my adult life but I dont want to feel like I am "forcing him" to be with me. I dont even know how to respond to this email that wont set off another chain of "only God knows what".
I have a question: What is it that can make afull-blooded Nigerian man hurt his loved ones over and over again, even though he implies that he doesnt mean to do so? Depression, yes. But what else? ( I dont think its a "someone" cos nobody ever makes him do anything that he doesnt want to? 
Anyone know??

I was having a chat with my uncle some years ago concerning relationships and happy marriages.He has been married to his wife for 35 years and he outrightly told me that for every seemingly "happy" home you see out there, just know that there's a man enduring a lot of things (this goes both ways though).He told me that he was ready to quit the marriage in the first 3 years. . .after much thought, he endured.By the time they had 4 kids, he wanted out again but he still held on.He's 60 now and he's been holding on for 35 years so what's the point of breaking up.

My point is, marriage is a whole different can of beans! It's about endurance.Some people go into marriage (especially women) believing that their knight in shining armor will bring a golden chariot with horses that have wings and they'll fly away to heaven and live happily ever after.If your husband is depressed, what he needs is your support and what he's in right now is definitely NOT a basis for divorce.He probably suspects you are cheating on him and one way or the other, he would have seen the signs[b].WHAT MAN IN HIS RIGHT SENSES WOULDN'T BE DEPRESSED[/b] if he knows or feels that his wife is boinking another man or men?

I believe this guy used to be different than this.Something must have triggered this new behavior.Instead of being patient for the cause to reveal itself, you are desperately seeking divorce.There is more to this than meets the eye and i can bet my last kobo that if the husband should respond on this forum, it's a different story we will be hearing.Women are best at playing the victims.Abeg, make una open sense as una dey reply dis woman.Something dey corner wey she neva talk.

Abi guys? Wetin una think?

chaircover:

@Harakiri, Actually there are a lot of happy marriages and of course a lot of unhappy ones. It takes 2 to make either result happen so if one party is not committed to the relationship for whatever reason, then at least one partner will be constantly unhappy.

The fact that this lady was considering divorce (and if you actually read all her posts you will see that she has decided to try and make it work) does not automatically mean that she is having an affair.

If you men take time out to listen sometimes, without going off on a tangent, then half the problems will be solved

@spicymum, please hang in there; you will eventually get to the bottom of whatever the problem is.

Do you think he is deliberately being spiteful or he is just not thinking through the effects of his actions on you?

If you want my honest opinion, if I were in your shoes and things have deteriorated so bad, I will try and see if I can defer my course for a bit and go back to Nigeria to try and sort things out. This is your problem and no one else can fight this battle with as much vigour and commitment as you can.

First of all, what does a "happy marriage" mean to you? Is it the one where both spouses live in ignorant bliss irrespective of the short comings of each other or the one where both of them just sit tight and see how it goes? Which is it?

I read her posts and i'll tell you something. . .NOTHING HAPPENS IN THIS LIFE WITH CAUSE! ! !

There is a reason he's acting this way.It won't last forever and if she really wants this marriage to work, then she should be patient and keep working to get to the root of the matter but what do we see here. . .she put a post that says "Help! ! Desperately need to get out!

The post says it all.She has already made up her mind to leave him.She's just here for reassurances, to alleviate any guilt she feels and whatever is it that's really going on.

In today's world, there is no one that has been married for over 10 years that can honestly tell me that they haven't been tempted to give up on the marriage at some point.Most people who stay married for long as merely putting up appearances for the sake of their kids.THAT'S THE COLD TRUTH!

i strongly believe Busy-body and Chaircover, i think they ve done justice to this case

@ Spicymum i wish you the best, i encourage you to pray more God will see you through He has seen your heart and know you really want the marriage He will fight for you, divorce is not the answer. That is challenges of marriage, say to yourself iam a conqueror is well.

As silly as this may sound and despite the different opinions that may exist, the success of marriage is dependent on the woman. This is debatable but is my opinion, it is important to critically look at the lives of Adam and Eve and examine why God brought about Eve at all. It was for completeness, stability and to ensure the fulfilment of God's plans.

The fast food mentality is destroying many homes, women of old endured a lot and most reaped bountifully. Why are things so different these days?

That said, I must confess any man could be like the husband, difficult to give good opinion here without input from the man. I just love the fact that he refused to agree to a divorce, that is a responsible decision, QED. This is where the wife need to calm down and get herself and the baby back to Nigeria ASAP. The guy works in a bank, now is not a very good time for him to relocate to Canada except if something is immediately available for him. The ego thing is real and women can go on saying whatever they like.
And how is divorce a solution? Like the next guy will be better! The solution is to move back and claim the man, he can't refuse divorce and shove you out. I think you should discontinue this thread until you move back and provide us with an update.

That you are contemplating divorce behind is back says a lot about you! Marriage is what you make of it, unfortunately your choice appears to be Canada not your husband. Forget about his initial agreement to join you, I am a naija man and will not join any woman anywhere except if it is what I really want to do.

I wish you luck but be ready for the consequences of your actions and inactions.

Any marriage will have this type of problem distance relationship is very difficult. My simple advice is that you should finish in 5months go back home for another 1year and study /work on your marriage more. YOu should know this will happen. I'm a man and believe that you are actually getting it. He probably be getting it elsewhere right now too. But men dont let that get in your head. Fix first.