I was referring to a social function I am only too happy to get my husband his food (as i do everday)but I didnt know as no one told me I should do so at a party. SO in effect i should have automatically known. Sorry I dint know I should have served him his meal. I am very embarassed.

When you go to a function and you have little knowledge the right thing is to watch what others do and do the same and you need to be at alert and ask questions. There is no excuse for your behaviour. If you felt it was important you would have noticed what was going on.
Well now you know so next time you can do it right. I really think you ought to rethink your attitude towards men especially if you are marriedt to a Nigerian. Try to come down from your high horse.
You should have felt proud and privileged to serve him his food.

I was referring to a social function I am only too happy to get my husband his food (as i do everday)but I didnt know as no one told me I should do so at a party.

Err, this makes no sense. Why would you be happy serving your husband food at home, but NOT know you should serve him outside? You claim ignorance on this issue, yet you questioned why he couldn't serve himself - even at home! This is obvious back pedalling from your previous position on the issue. It matters not much anyway, as long as you know and accept the error of your ways. That is what is important.

Its things like this that give men a bad name. Here you even see wives endorsing this type of laziness. Sad

.

T least I know now, this culture is very differnt no one tells me I'm left to figure it all out. Thanks for ur opinions and honesty.

poster. ur sister inlaw doesn't hate you she's saving ur husby from embarssment, but it's not fair on you cos you din't know. in nigeria they still dwell on old tradition, cultures aren't updated at all so these things matter.

the fact that Leilah has stuck to her husband this long is impressive. Pls give her a round of applause instead of berating her . . . for those who know her history here though.

ftmom:

@ Poster

I don't know any married Nigerian women that would rather their man went to get his own food at a Nigerian party. Guess it's just cultural for us Nigerians and it's left for you and your husband to decide what works for you both.

Biko speak for yourself biko
My husband gets his own food at parties
I actually know very few,infact only one Nigerian in my circle that gets food for her husband at parties and that's because the man is at least 20 years older than her.
More like her father than a hubby.

Leilah:

T least I know now, this culture is very differnt no one tells me I'm left to figure it all out.  Thanks for your opinions and honesty.

No dear
You are not expected to get his food at a party,he is expected to get up like everyone else,approach the buffet table and fix his plate.
That is the proper thing to do at a buffet
You are expected to serve yourself.
All these women screaming about serving your man,try doing that when you have 3 little kids at that party that also require to be served.
That man would be insensitive not to get off his bum and grab something to eat because certainly,I will not be serving him.
When exactly do these women who habitually serve their husbands at parties do it
before or after they fix their own plates?
before or after they feed the kids?
If he asks that I get him something certainly I will oblige him but does he expect me to serve him at gatherings
absolutely not!
I want to enjoy that party as much as he does.
If he wants to eat,he joins the food line.
Thank God I don't have a man that sits around drinking beer at gatherings waiting to be served
what happens when he needs second helpings?
I get up again and start running around?
do they help him pick out the strands  goat meat lodged in between his teeth too

davidylan:

the fact that Leilah has stuck to her husband this long is impressive. Pls give her a round of applause instead of berating her . . . for those who  know her history here though. 

"And they shall live by the ring and the ring shalt rule them" what more can she do keep learning leila welldone

@ohsisi -

I guess it all really depend of what kind of marriage you have, how how selfless you both are toward each other. Of course, he can serve himself, irrespective of whether he is at a buffet outside or at home. That is not the point. Serving your Husband is not about whether he is an invalid, having own hands, or him getting off his bum. It is about Love, Respect, and how you express it.

LOVE: Love is simply a cheap abstract feeling - without a valid expression of that feeling to give it life and energy. This expression ALWAYS takes effort. The effort WILL require a degree of selflessness, and the selflessness MAY sometimes inconvenience you. The effort could be mental, material, emotional or even physical. Sometimes, its a combination of all things. It is selfless to serve your husband his meal; irrespective of whether its a buffet, barbecue, at home, with friends, have 10 kids etc. It is all simply, a labour of love.

RESPECT: Your Husband is supposed to be your King, and you his Queen. This means you SHOULD treat him like a King! This is the respect his status, as your husband, and as your King, demands and deserves. He should also treat you the way a Queen should be treated - A King looks after his Queen, no matter what. He protects her, he assumes TOTAL responsibility for her, her welfare, and her needs. He simply puts her needs before his.  A King would die for his Queen, and for his people.

Whilst some may scorn at this premise, it always works, and always will. Love is selfless and sacrificial. Simple.

I remember sometime ago when we were travelling, my wife had a business class ticket and i didn't. I informed her i would be buying a standard ticket, and we couldn't seat together. In addition, Just to see, i asked her to swap her seat with me, on account of my height (i need a lot more leg room than standard). Though not happy with my request (as it was going to be her first time in business class), and the fact that we would be seating separately, she agreed, and off we went to the airport.
On getting to the airport, it was discovered that her business class ticket was no longer valid, and she given a standard economy ticket instead. The airline then upgraded my seat to business class on account of my Gold Airline Card membership status. Subsequently, the roles were now reversed.

When we boarded i OFFERED to swap my upgraded seat, with her downgraded seat, much to her surprise, so she could enjoy the experience.
She refused, as she knew i needed it more, and didn't want me sitting cramped for 8hrs, whilst she was living the life in Club Class.
To cut the story short, as she refused to take my seat, i gave the seat up and joined her in economy so we could seat together for the duration of the flight - much to the surprise of the cabin crew!

chaircover:


There is a difference between a man automatically expecting you to do something and a man who accepts your offer of doing something for him.

I don't beleive that most of the husbands of the women saying they will serve their men automatically expect that we jump up and serve them and many will happily get up to serve themselves if given the opportunity to.

No matter how Westernized we like to behave or think, It is a respect & cultural thing. My husband will happily get up and even serve me sef but I will NOT allow it. How can my husband stand in a queue of 20 women holding a plastic plate and pointing at moin moin or fish?

If I have the kids in tow, I don't mind making several trips before taking my food. These people are my family, my dearest and closest. I do more for strangers, so how much more them. Besides as Nigerians don't we all eat very well before leaving home cos we never know what to expect at parties. its not like I am going to die of starvation while I am making 2 trips to the buffet. 

My dear,if you serve him at every party,you are of course expected to serve him at parties so I don't get your point.
Why don't you serve yourself at the next party and sit to eat and see if he wouldn't motion that you bring his plate.
You talk as though you were not married to a man
I have a husband that I love dearly and I make no pretense of it on this forum
But he also understands the correct etiquette at a buffet
We attend official workplace dinners from time to time
It would look extremely odd for him to sit while I bring his food.
It has nothing to do with hunger.
Just simple common sense.

Romeo4real:

@ohsisi -

I guess it all really depend of what kind of marriage you have, how how selfless you both are toward each other. Of course, he can serve himself, irrespective of whether he is at a buffet outside or at home. That is not the point. Serving your Husband is not about whether he is an invalid, having own hands, or him getting off his bum. It is about Love, Respect, and how you express it.

LOVE: Love is simply a cheap abstract feeling - without a valid expression of that feeling to give it life and energy. This expression ALWAYS takes effort. The effort WILL require a degree of selflessness, and the selflessness MAY sometimes inconvenience you. The effort could be mental, material, emotional or even physical. Sometimes, its a combination of all things. It is selfless to serve your husband his meal; irrespective of whether its a buffet, barbecue, at home, with friends, have 10 kids etc. It is all simply, a labour of love.

RESPECT: Your Husband is supposed to be your King, and you his Queen. This means you SHOULD treat him like a King! This is the respect his status, as your husband, and as your King, demands and deserves. He should also treat you the way a Queen should be treated - A King looks after his Queen, no matter what. He protects her, he assumes TOTAL responsibility for her, her welfare, and her needs. He simply puts her needs before his.  A King would die for his Queen, and for his people.

Whilst some may scorn at this premise, it always works, and always will. Love is selfless and sacrificial. Simple.

I remember sometime ago when we were travelling, my wife had a business class ticket and i didn't. I informed her i would be buying a standard ticket, and we couldn't seat together. In addition, Just to see, i asked her to swap her seat with me, on account of my height (i need a lot more leg room than standard). Though not happy with my request (as it was going to be her first time in business class), and the fact that we would be seating separately, she agreed, and off we went to the airport.
On getting to the airport, it was discovered that her business class ticket was no longer valid, and she given a standard economy ticket instead. The airline then upgraded my seat to business class on account of my Gold Airline Card membership status. Subsequently, the roles were now reversed.

When we boarded i OFFERED to swap my upgraded seat, with her downgraded seat, much to her surprise, so she could enjoy the experience.
She refused, as she knew i needed it more, and didn't want me sitting cramped for 8hrs, whilst she was living the life in Club Class.
To cut the story short, as she refused to take my seat, i gave the seat up and joined her in economy so we could seat together for the duration of the flight - much to the surprise of the cabin crew!

Like I pointed out earlier.I would gladly get my husband a plate of food if he requests and I have at several parties asked him to grab me a piece of cake or a drink when he was going up to the table and he would do so.
It is not expected of me to serve him.
Marriage has no formula they say,whatever works for you.
90% of the time my husband makes his own pounded yam and warms the soup with a microwave oven when he returns from work.
He takes his own rice and stew from the pot,same with every long term guest in my home after it is cooked unless we are having the table set for a proper dinner.
I can call him up if he's at home and ask him to boil me some rice or yam and he'll gladly do it.
He is not a man that sits around waiting to be served by his wife.
He works full time and so do I and he recognizes the fact that taking care of a family with children,,cooking and working full time is a lot of work and getting his own meals is nothing especially if the meals were physically bought,prepared and cooked by me,his wife.
We have no maids
When the kids were younger he bathed and fed them
He did midnight bottle feeds
He vacuumed the floors
he babysat
The house and children are ours so he has no problem doing those things
I have at several occasions here (when I was more active) defended being submissive as a recipe for a happy marriage and said unequivocally that the man is the head of the home.
BTW I have many years of blissful marriage under my belt and counting so I am no novice at this institution
I have also added that it is very easy to submit to a man who loves you,and with that love comes an understanding that his wife is an equally intelligent partner in the union not a slave.

The Bible says we submit one to another.

^^^^ You are missing the point, aren't you? And quite deliberately too.

I would gladly get my husband a plate of food if he requests

Well, you initially asserted that he should get his food himself. So which one is it? Point is, he does NOT have to request it for you to do it. Can you see the difference?

I have at several parties asked him to grab me a piece of cake or a drink when he was going up to the table and he would do so.

That's no big deal, and that is NOT what this isue is about.

It is not expected of me to serve him.

Of course its not - because you have made it clear to him that he should not expect it

Marriage has no formula they say,whatever works for you.

Err, wrong! "whatever" has never worked for anybody. You may think its working, but are both parties as happy as they can be? Do you want your marriage to "work", or do you want it to work well? Im quite sure your Husband would not be unhappy if you chose to serve him his food from today onwards - whether he requests it or not.

90% of the time my husband makes his own pounded yam and warms the soup with a microwave oven when he returns from work.
He takes his own rice and stew from the pot,same with every long term guest in my home after it is cooked unless we are having the table set for a proper dinner.

Apologies, but equating your husband with a "long term guest" is just pure ignorance on your part. He makes his own food simply because you dont. If the food was already made, i doubt he would be making it again!

When the kids were younger he bathed and fed them, He did midnight bottle feeds, He vacuumed the floors, he babysat,

 Any reasonable Father/Husband does those things. The things he does are not what we are discussing here. We are discussing why it is such an issue for you to serve your husband food.

The Bible says we submit one to another.

Ohsisi, this is pure tosh, and it gets on my last nerves when people start misquoting the Bible to serve their own selfish ends. Please show me where in the Bible its says a Husband and Wife should submit to one another? Or show me the Bible you have read that says your Husband should submit to you? You dont gotta do it if you dont want, but pls, dont bring the Bible into this!

you can`t compare a Nigerian party with an office Buffet. I think we have to differentiate there as Chaircover pointed out. I just could not allow my husband stand in the line and get pushed about. No way
At home he does a lot too but I always thank him because I see it as him helping me. I even go so far that I don`t even let anyone sit on my husbands chair or on the Sofa where he sits not even the kids. When I visit any Nigerian I always ask where the man sits so I don`t sit on that chair. I was just brought up that way.

Well, you initially asserted that he should get his food himself. So which one is it? Point is, he does NOT have to request it for you to do it. Can you see the difference?

Read me again
I am not expected to get his food
If he asks,I oblige him but it is not a requirement unlike your wife and chaircover and I said that in my first 2 posts

Of course its not - because you have made it clear to him that he should not expect it

No,but rather he is a man that doesn't sit around and expect maidservice.
He is a husband not a slavemaster

Err, wrong! "whatever" has never worked for anybody. You may think its working, but are both parties as happy as they can be? Do you want your marriage to "work", or do you want it to work well? Im quite sure your Husband would not be unhappy if you chose to serve him his food from today onwards - whether he requests it or not.

When you have put in 15+ years,come let's talk
Until then go let your madam clip your toe nails and kneel while you swallow your eba

Apologies, but equating your husband with a "long term guest" is just pure ignorance on your part. He makes his own food simply because you dont. If the food was already made, i doubt he would be making it again!

read me again
not all wives are housewives or
some of them work hard as hard as their men and have husbands who understand that they deserve some rest.
You wouldn't know this.Your case is different obviously.

Any reasonable Father/Husband does those things. The things he does are not what we are discussing here. We are discussing why it is such an issue for you to serve your husband food.

Again I am not expected to serve him at parties
That is the topic here
a real man does not sit around and exp[ect to be waited on.He sees his wife as an equal partner

Romeo4real:

Ohsisi, this is pure tosh, and it gets on my last nerves when people start misquoting the Bible to serve their own selfish ends. Please show me where in the Bible its says a Husband and Wife should submit to one another? O[b]r show me the Bible you have read that says your Husband should submit to you?[/b] You dont gotta do it if you dont want, but pls, dont bring the Bible into this!

Did I say that?
You are so full of lies, read me again
I said submit ye one to another and in case your slave at home doesn't know that scripture,let me quote it,she may stumble on this thread

Eph 5:21[b]Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.[/b]
Now read more clearly so you can assimilate
and if your last nerve is that irritated,put a gun to your skull

mutter:

you can`t compare a Nigerian party with an office Buffet. I think we have to differentiate there as Chaircover pointed out. I just could not allow my husband stand in the line and get pushed about. No way
At home he does a lot too but I always thank him because I see it as him helping me. I even go so far that I don`t even let anyone sit on my husbands chair or on the Sofa where he sits not even the kids.  When I visit any Nigerian I always ask where the man sits so I don`t sit on that chair. I was just brought up that way.

So at "oyibo" parties,he is all human and can get his own food but at Nigerian Owanbes he develops paralysis?
What kind of party do you attend where people get pushed around at dinner time?
In Naija or outside Naija?
The parties I've attended here ,people don't fight for food,they go orderly,table by table to get their foods and other men get up and get their foods too.
We obviously socialize in different circles so I'm unable to appreciate your situation.
Your man stands in line at the bank
he stands at the line at McDonalds (a food line o)
He stands at the line at Dunkin do nuts (another food line)
He stands at the line at Kroger grocery store

but God forbid that he should stand in line at an owanbe to get his food because he is a man?

chaircover:

We are talking about the typical "Nigerian owambe with chaffing dish serve yourself party"  here, and not the end of year office Christmas party etc where the socializing is done round the buffet table and on ones feet which is a different scene altogether.

Are you saying that it is acceptable and in front of an in-law,  for a husband to stand in a queue of 20 women waiting to be served when his wife is in the room?

I totally agree with Romeo on this one. In most cases (I didnt say all) if you treat a man like a king, you get treated like a queen in return.

Like I said earlier,we obviously run in different circles.
In the parties I attend,the men stand in line when their tables are called,to get their food so it's not a case of 50 women and one man.
I have no problem with how I'm treated.
This is no issue at all
You are the one making it look like serving a man his food at a party=love
it is not.
it's obvious from your latest response that you do it for the sake of what people might say or to avert the punishment you may receive when you return home.
That is not my reality
At this moment for instance,I  boiled some yam and some corn.
If Oga returns home ,he would gladly take a plate,put some yam on it,scoop some stew in a bowl,grab a fork and start eating even before I know he's home.
I could still be upstairs and he finishes his dinner
and If I come down to see his eating,I sit and we chat while he eats
He will not come to alert me of his return.
That is the type of man I have.
And his ego as a man is still fully intact.
He has better ways of exhibiting his manliness

the posts on here remind me of a book I read abt a westerner who went to africa. she describes her relationship with her husband as being like "bestfriends". but the african's relationships she noticed, in her words, were like "master and slave".

imagine woman going to party n serving 5 kids and a husband including herself while the man sit in the corner waiting for food. typical african.  
not saying it's a good or bad thing o. i can't shout

what's really funny is that i've been to naija parties here in the states and the men serve themselves at buffets    surprise
maybe this is a ethnicity thing.



@leilah,
this topic is about naija social/gender etiquette but your title is: "sister in law" and your first sentence is "I do not like her"  
anyways, welcome back. your topics abt your marriage r always funny to read. sometimes, you should post some positive things about your marriage. because most ppl here get the impression that you are suffering  with the kind of topics u always post. but we're even more surprised that your still in it. which means that there must be some positive sides. not so?

mutter:

At home he does a lot too but I always thank him because I see it as him helping me. I even go so far that I don`t even let anyone sit on my husbands chair or on the Sofa where he sits not even the kids. When I visit any Nigerian I always ask where the man sits so I don`t sit on that chair. I was just brought up that way.

oh wow. this is very crazy!!!
what tribe is this?

definitely not yoruba.

oyinda.:

oh wow. this is very crazy!!!
what tribe is this? 

definitely not yoruba.

I am waiting to hear that answer too
Definitely not an Igbo custom
I can understand people keeping away from a lazboy in the living room but a sofa?
In this America?
maybe na her personal family  custom
There's nothing somebody won't read in this place

Mrs Chaircover + Mrs Ohsisi

I undersand where you both are coming. Both points are valid. Please no below the belt punches taken here. You two are very well respected around here so lets keep things clean okay ladies.

Post
I'd glady serve my husband food.

chika98:

Post
I'd glady serve my husband food.

Marry me

iice:

Erhhh Nigerians dey rush food ooo. I got squashed once in line between 2 big men rushing for poundo

Didn't you see them? Or you were just too carried away with your rush for poundo?