LOVED

‘…And if anyone here present know of any reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.’

Weddings can be so tedious, Marissa thought as the pastor continued droning from the altar of the Caregivers International Christian Convention Centre of Christ, CICCCC. Where on earth do these Lagos churches get their names from sef?, she wondered and glanced at the best man, Richard Okpoborere. She was thinking anything but Godly thoughts about him. The guy was a hunk by all standards and Marissa, the chief bridesmaid had been plotting how to get in his pants from the moment she laid eyes on him. She remembered how Clara, the bride had pleaded with her to fly in from America to be the chief bridesmaid. She had initially declined but swiftly changed her mind on seeing Richard’s photograph and discovering he was the best man. I mean, just look at the guy’s torso. I’d fly across the Atlantic any day for a piece of that, she thought and stole another glance at him. Her agenda for the day was quite simple; cling to this man come hell or high water, and make sure he drops you off at home after the wedding reception, period.

‘…And if anyone here present know of any reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.’

The woman was angry. She had been humiliated by someone she trusted and she wanted her pound of flesh. She knew neither the couple getting married nor their families. In fact, her purpose at the wedding was not to celebrate a union, it was to violate one. She scanned her environment and adjusted her wrapper so her baby could sleep better. A sharp pain in her side and the scratches on her arm reminded her of the reason she was there. ‘I will so destroy that woman’, she muttered as she looked around for her target and found him. He was seated on the third row from the exit and was smacking his lips, perhaps in anticipation of the beer that would flow freely at the reception. Stupid drunkard, she thought and started inching her way towards him.

‘…And if anyone here present know of any reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.’

Clara’s heart pounded as the pastor read the lines. Of course nobody would protest, she reassured herself. That only happened in movies. The really bad ones at that. Clara was a hopeless romantic who’d been fantasizing about her wedding from age twelve. Finally, her day was here. Standing beside her was an angel of a man, Lanre Adigun. They had dated for only eight months before he proposed but in that time he had shown her the true meaning of the word love. She remembered the day they had met through her colleague, Priscilla.
It had started off as one of those blind dates Priscilla was always suggesting.

‘I’ve got the perfect guy for you’, Priscilla had said barging into her office without so much as a knock.

‘And who told you I’m looking for a guy?’ Clara had asked as she picked up her laptop and headed out the door for her meeting.

‘Of course I know you’re not looking for a guy…you’re looking for the guy’, Priscilla had replied stopping Clara dead in her tracks. Priscilla always knew the right thing to say, she thought and smiled. But boy, was she right. Lanre was the guy. The kind of guy she used to think only existed in fairytales. Now here they were, eight months later, about to officially become man and wife. She sighed contentedly and looked up at the digital screen to her left. The sheer size of the CICCCC congregation impressed her. She was especially happy Marissa, her best from university was able to make it. All these people have come from far and near to honour our union, she thought and fought hard to hold back tears of joy. ‘Indeed I am blessed and loved,’ she muttered, looked at her husband-to-be and smiled as their eyes met.

‘…And if anyone here present know of any reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.’

Lanre Adigun was pretty nervous as he stood by his bride at the CICCCC altar. He had a lot on his mind and the pastor had finally reached the point where his worst fears could be confirmed. Loads of threats had been made to him over the phone since his wedding plans became public. Most of them were not worth losing sleep over. Bitter ex-girlfriends who wanted to make his life difficult had promised fire and brimstone. One sugar mummy he had a long standing relationship had also made unnecessary trouble by calling him at odd hours. But of all of the threats, there was only one that made him feel the way he did now. He looked around and was happy the Caucasian lady he had an affair with years ago was nowhere in sight. He hoped for his and his bride’s sake that the lady was as far away from Nigeria as possible. Just a couple of seconds now, he thought as he made eye contact with his beautiful bride and smiled. Just a couple more seconds.

‘…And if anyone here present know of any reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.’

Mrs. Adigun was not impressed with the planning of her son’s wedding at all. The pastor’s drone only further convinced her the service could have been a lot better in her church. Look at people just dozing off, she thought and looked around to realise there was only one old lady snoozing. Still, she was sure more people would soon join the old lady. At the opposite end of the church, bedecked in too much jewellery and a mammoth turquoise blue gele was the bride’s mother. Seated around her was her husband and other members of their immediate and extended family. Mrs. Adigun couldn’t help feeling depressed whenever she looked their way. As far as she was concerned, their aso ebi combination was a disaster. Turquoise blue with a golden brown fabric didn‘t quite work for her. Moreover, the fabric looked suspect, like one of those inferior Chinese lace thingies. Someone should please teach these people how to dress, she thought as she looked forward to the altar. Her son was smashing as always and his bride wasn’t that bad. Make no mistake about it though, she was sure her son could have done better but one can’t always have one’s desires, she thought and sighed.

‘…And if anyone here present know of any reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.’

The bride’s mother, Mrs. Caxton was ecstatic. Everything was going according to plan. The Church was filled to capacity and she couldn’t remember any other CICCCC wedding service in recent times with such an impressive turn out. Herself and her daughter were setting records, she thought and glanced over at her egbe, which comprised of all CICCCC women within her age bracket. She knew some of them were not happy for her, especially that quarrelsome Mama Tinu. The woman was full of jealousy because she had three daughters of marriageable age with no potential suitors. She had even refused to buy the entire aso ebi, settling for only the gele. She had given all sorts of flimsy excuses about the colour combination and so on. Who cares what she thinks anyway? This is the same aso ebi that the mother of the groom, the ever fashionable Mrs. Adigun had commented her on earlier. ’Shio’, Mrs. Caxton hissed as she adjusted her gele. ‘Wo n ma gba le ni’, she muttered in Yoruba and looked forward to the altar.
‘Today is my day as much as my daughter’s and I’m determined to revel in it.’

‘…And if anyone here present know of any reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.’

There were only three things Samuel knew for sure about weddings. One; There‘s a point in every wedding ceremony where a question is asked but no answer is expected. Two; When you get to that point, the church service would soon be over and the reception would duly follow. And three; wedding receptions are the best places on earth to get free beer. Nobody really cared whether you were an invited guest or not. As long as you were well dressed and well behaved, you could drink to your heart’s content. He smacked his lips as visions of chilled bottles of beer overwhelmed him. Lord Jesus, let this silly pastor get a move on, he prayed and looked up. He was surprised to see one of his wife’s friends coming his way. The woman looked awful. There were bruises all over her face and he couldn’t help but wince as she smiled and sat down beside him. Even the baby on her back had a welt that covered most of his forehead.

‘Baba John, how now?’ she greeted.

‘I dey o, Mama Taiye,’ he replied and forced a smile. He wondered what this woman was doing here. It was very unlikely that she was invited as the couple were not in their social class at all. Maybe she’s here for the free beer too, he thought and chuckled.

Mama Taiye reached into her handbag and brought out a white envelope. Concealed in the envelope was a lab report she had paid good money to forge. She stretched the envelope in Samuel’s direction and offered an explanation.

‘Sorry o Baba John, I no wan disturb you but somebody drop this letter for ya wife for my shop. I just dey pass when I been think say you fit dey here. Na why I branch be that. You fit help me give am?’

‘No problem’, Samuel replied as he took the letter and watched the woman go. He made to put the envelope in his pocket but stopped to take a second look at it. It looked important. It also had the return address of the federal ministry of health and the acronym PLWHA on it. Samuel’s curiosity got the better of him and he gently opened the envelope. He immediately wished he hadn’t. His already miserable life came crashing around him as he read the contents. Ngozi, his wife had finally killed him.

‘…And if anyone here present know of any reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.’

At last, the pastor said what Cassandra had been waiting to hear all morning. She could give a million and one reasons why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony, she thought. The most important reason of all was seated next to her, wearing a pink dress with frills down the front. She was almost four now and looked more and more like her father with each passing day. Mother and daughter had both picked up a tan ever since they arrived Lagos earlier in the week. Cassandra looked and felt good. It was time to get back at Lanre for abandoning her and their baby. She had done her research and had easily discovered the date and venue for his wedding. The three body guards she had hired from a security outfit were also seated strategically around her and she felt relatively safe. There was no doubt she needed protection for what she was about to do. Her lines had been well rehearsed and finally the time to speak or forever remain silent had come. Get up and do it, she willed herself as she stood up and shouted in halting English.

‘I have… reason!’

A sudden hush descended over the building as the entire congregation of CICCCC turned as one body to face the strange white woman in their midst. The expression on all their faces was the same; a mixture of shock and outright disbelief. Cassandra hesitated for only a moment before proceeding in her Italian accented English.

‘The groom, Lanrey… father of my child. We marry 2003, In Rome and…’

The scream from the altar cut her short. It was a heartrending yelp and it was soon followed by other disturbing wails from all corners of the church. Commotion followed as several members of the Adigun family rushed towards the white woman in a bid to grab and silence her. Her body guards were well prepared for this. They quickly formed a protective circle around mother and daughter, then started leading them towards the church exit, punching and slapping anyone who stood in their way.

Up on the altar, the bride was stunned and could feel her knees wobbling. She turned to her pastor and knew from the look in his eye that all was lost. She would not get married today. Not in this church. Not to this man. There was no point trying to be strong, she concluded and fell to the floor wailing. The best day of her life was now her worst.

Marissa was perplexed. The last five minutes had gone by so quickly she wasn’t really sure what happened. One thing was certain though, the wedding was over. Lanre was bent over his bride, trying to console her even as she lashed out at him. His mother and the bride’s mother were crying nearby. Both their geles had been discarded and they suddenly looked like sisters mourning the passage of a dear relation. Their husbands were desperately trying to console them to no avail. Marissa too was heading towards Clara to comfort her when she caught sight of Richard. He was going in the opposite direction, towards the church exit. He’s probably trying to locate the white woman who ruined the wedding, Marissa thought as she watched him go. ‘My God, that guy is a perfect specimen’, she muttered under her breath and hesitated for a moment to contemplate her next move.

Stay with Clara or stick to Richard as planned?

Clara is a big girl. She can take care of herself, Marissa decided. Moreover Richard might need help apprehending the woman, she convinced herself and lustfully followed him down the aisle.

WOW . . .

This is fantastic!

Dude, do you know you are an amazing writer? I wasn't too sure about this story in the beginning, but by the end, I was totally sold. I also never realized that you were the one who wrote the one of the landlord. Both pieces were hilarious.
I love the fact that you were trying to show what everyone was thinking at the same time. It made me laugh. Especially the mother of the son when she thought to herself that the dressing combination of the brides mother was a disaster.
But maybe you should have used other parts of the wedding vows so as to show the tension leading up to the point where chaos erupts? Because if everyone was thinking different things at the same time (when the 'speak now or forever hold your peace' comes up ) Mama Taiye will not have enough time to walk down , meet Baba John and have that little chat with him. Everything sort of crashes when too many things are going on at the same time.

Also, is this story set in 2010 or 2007?


Overall, I would give it and 8 out of 10. You did well. Post more stories please !

gr8 story!
When you considering publishing, reach me on wumifab@gmail.com. i will try to talk my firm into publishing you.

Wow, that was a fantastic story, lol. I agree with the other comenter, you should have started with something else than that same sentence all through.

His stories are good and down to earth, something I can never manage. The landlord story was my favourite. Utterly hilarious. The hunchback shows his depth and width. I think you're pretty polished for a diamond in the rough.

hi guys,
been out of circulation for a while but thanks for the encouraging words.

wumifab i sent a mail with my phone number to the e-mail addy you put up. let's talk.

once again thanks guys

Consider a man deligent in what he does, he shal sit and dine with kings not jerks! Sensational write up dude,

The book is out guys. You can get your copy at The Hub bookstore, Palms, Lekki, Terrakulture in VI or Debonair bookstore, Yaba. Thanks for your support.

Whoa! Good going dude. Congrats. Could you put up a pic of the book cover? People still judge books by their covers, ya know?