ugsh:

My parents those days were terrible., but i wont talk about what they did to me because I was stubborn and they did it for my own good. BUT SOME OTHER PARENTS I KNEW BACK THEN WERE EVIL!!!
I remember our former neighbour back then who used to beat her children black and blue until they were unrecognisable. Although her children were "very stubborn" and she was a stressed out single mom who worked 4rm as early as 5am in the morning to like 10pm in the night, what she did on one fateful day was fetish.
She gave some intructions for her four children to carry out while she was at work, but her stubborn children decided to play and engage in other activities. I was asleep when she came back then, but the following morning I couldn't recognize any one of them. The Ada and only girl of the house sustained the most injuries, she was only 11yrs old and her mom held her wrist down while she pounded her hand with a real hammer until it bled. She locked the door so no one heard their cries. She hit her elder brother's head on the concrete wall until he fainted. They told me they wished they had died.Even after all the bleeding she allowed their wounds to get infected and it swelled up the next day with double pain. I think the Landlord of the house sent her packing i can't really remember.
This is just one of the thousands abuses that are happening to kids in Nigeria today.
The Government should establish a child protection agency and sue these parents to court, or put them in a psychiatric home, because I don't think our neighbour was alright upstairs, I mean why would you beat your children to the point they bled, and that wasn't enough to soften her heart, she still allowed it to get infected. That was her right arm, she couldn't even write in school because she didn't even bother to take them to hospital.She only gave them Panadol!!!!!

JESUS!!!

ElRazur:


I think you probably highlighted some of the reasons why your mum was probably like that, and sitting back now and reflecting it on it will probably give you an insight into her state of mind as of then.

I kuku understand

Our parents were so HARSH  in raising us bc of the silly dangerous superstitious beliefs they have/had and were raised with.

This belief is deeply rooted in the NON FACTUAL REASON that: Whatever is wrong with you is someone being jealous of your accomplishments and subsequently using JUJU to get back at u,

Parents BACK then made sure their kids never had friends, I never had friends growing up, still hard for me today to know how to choose them. I like being alone, unless I am with my siblings then I am talkative
Parents did not even want you mixing with their own relatives!

I still tell my dad "No dad your neighbour cannot give u

cancer, headache, pains, poverty, car accident{unless the neighbour physically MANIPULATED the car}vitiligo, witchcraft,
get u married/or impregnated in the spirit world, dumbness,
change the sex of a baby in the womb, make the baby premature,

or use you for money{they can kidnap u and sell u} etc"

I guess whatever they did was out of love and this DEEP SEATED CRIPPLING FEAR OF THE DIABOLICAL, OF THE SUPERSTITIOUS, of the occult, etc

I refuse to live in such bondage.

Even though my dad has these beliefs he still bought me loads of books, let me listen to all kinds of music,  maybe deep down he wanted me to be so learned that I never have the fears that had so crippled him and many other dads. I DO NOT HAVE SUCH FEARS AT ALL. For that I am grateful


My dad is immensely cruel to my mom, I often wondered why he married her, the beatings oh my god the beatings, verbal abuse, the mental and emotional agony she puts up with till today. If at this age she chooses to leave as I have beeen secretly wshing I will support and build her a house in her place but she won't leave becasue she wants to be married.

He will cane us and cane her, he will make us kneel down where the whole world will see us for nothing and make my mom kneel down too, that till today makes me cry{that messes with ur relationship as a girl, u fight all ur life not to be like ur mom, not to be so subservient, not to be so fearful of one who is supposed to love you etc] Fathers have no clue HOW MUCH THEY RUIN THEER DAUGHTERS LIVES WHEN THEY R CRUEL TO THE MOTHERS.

You know when your dad is cruel to u, u can eventually grow up and leave, which is what all 9 of us are doing , getting educated and leaving. Not ur mom, it is hard in igbo society and the generation my mom is from. One day I will bring her to America far wayyy from my dad so she can drink water and keep cup{ ka o nuo mmili togbo iko na o nwero onye o ji nke ya}

NOT BC MY DAD IS CRUEL, THIS IS NOT FOR SYMPATHY BUT I CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT MY MOM is the best human being on earth, kind, loving, religious, longsuffering, generous. I can never be her or walk a minute in her shoes or else my dad will be a crippled man. she is too damn good! All her kids are almost like her in goodness without the SUBSERVIENT PARTS, absolutely not!!

I can go on and on but ,

this thread is still alive?

el razur- why didn't you go to your pop's funeral? and how did your family feel about this

OkwyRose:

My dad is immensely cruel to my mom, I often wondered why he married her, the beatings oh my god the beatings, verbal abuse, the mental and emotional agony she puts up with till today. If at this age she chooses to leave as I have beeen secretly wshing I will support and build her a house in her place but she won't leave becasue she wants to be married.

He will cane us and cane her, he will make us kneel down where the whole world will see us for nothing and make my mom kneel down too, that till today makes me cry{that messes with your relationship as a girl, u fight all your life not to be like your mom, not to be so subservient, not to be so fearful of one who is supposed to love you etc] Fathers have no clue HOW MUCH THEY RUIN THEER DAUGHTERS LIVES WHEN THEY R CRUEL TO THE MOTHERS.

You know when your dad is cruel to u, u can eventually grow up and leave, which is what all 9 of us are doing , getting educated and leaving. Not your mom, it is hard in igbo society and the generation my mom is from. One day I will bring her to America far wayyy from my dad so she can drink water and keep cup{ ka o nuo mmili togbo iko na o nwero onye o ji nke ya}

NOT BC MY DAD IS CRUEL, THIS IS NOT FOR SYMPATHY BUT I CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT MY MOM is the best human being on earth, kind, loving, religious, longsuffering, generous. I can never be her or walk a minute in her shoes or else my dad will be a crippled man. she is too damn good! All her kids are almost like her in goodness without the SUBSERVIENT PARTS, absolutely not!!

I can go on and on but ,

wow i can understand cruelty to kids but not to your spouse. That was something my dad must have been very careful not to let us notice if it ever happened. I'm sorry.

bawomolo:

this thread is still alive?

el razur- why didn't you go to your pop's funeral? and how did your family feel about this

The aftermath effect I suppose. Also family squabbles and I did have an exam. The strongest reason wasn't the exam, or the squabble, but the seed of resentment/hatred that blossomed in me back then I guess.

The family just accepted that I am now my own person and trying to pick up a fight with me is not worth it, as I am not that same ElRazur that was bullied around.


@OkwyRose

Man, that is just wrong on many levels - beating the Jesus out of your mum.

Some of the stories here, just goes to show how a lot things can be improved as per Parent-to-Parent and Parent-to-Child/Children relationship.





PS
Some stuff are just not worth going into on a forum.

after careful consideration, i think a lot of naija kids might have had a mild or intense form of ADHD, which in nigeria generally goes undiagnosed and unrecognized.

the hyperactivity [we put sugar even in garri] gets them in trouble more often than not, and they'll be branded deviant when the multiple beatings and punishments fail to "reform" their behaviour.


and since the older generation doesnt know or care about anything like that, more often than not they'll try to whip the kid into shape, which incidentally is one of the few behaviour modification methods practiced back home.

of course some of the things described here are plain wicked, but in instances where the parent meant well but was simply at their wits' end, some other factors like these ones may apply.

just my thoughts.

tpiah:

after careful consideration, i think a lot of naija kids might have had a mild or intense form of ADHD, which in nigeria generally goes undiagnosed and unecognized.

the hyperactivity [we put sugar even in garri] gets them in trouble more often than not, and they'll be branded deviant when the multiple beatings and punishments fail to "reform" their behaviour.


and since the older generation doesnt know or care about anything like that, more often than not they'll try to whip the kid into shape, which incidentally is one of the few behaviour modification methods practiced back home.

of course some of the things described here are plain wicked, but in instances where the parent meant well but was simply at their wits' end, some other factors like these ones may apply.

just my thoughts.

While I agree with you that there are unknown and undiagnosed cases of medical condition back home, I am however not so sure that some of the experiences here points at Hyperactivity disorder, instead, the pattern we seen emerging are just what in my humble opinion can be called poor Parent-to-children relationship due to the level of knowledge that was/is available to the society in which the parents function.

^^true.

it's how they themselves were raised.

and during their own parents or grandparents time, slave trade had just been abolished, nigeria was being colonized bit by bit, lots of things going on.

granted, it still doesnt excuse some of the more severe ones.

some of these posts would be better off modified btw. imo.

Which post? I can only modify/edit my posted replies.

some of the posts on this thread.

not necessarily your own.

Okay, get you know.

I think it helps a lot of people to tell their stories without holding back.

Well, it works for me I guess, and to be frank if my sister or anyone who knows me in person end up reading it, it makes no difference to me.

tpiah:

after careful consideration, i think a lot of naija kids might have had a mild or intense form of ADHD, which in nigeria generally goes undiagnosed and unrecognized.
just my thoughts.

That's quite a fair observation.
These type of kids seem incapable of staying in one place or playing peacefully, and must drive their parents to distraction.
Not many parents back then knew about the kind of psychological disorders kids are prone to and how  they can be alleviated.

tensor777:

That's quite a fair observation.
These type of kids seem incapable of staying in one place or playing peacefully, and must drive their parents to distraction.
Not many parents back then knew about the kind of psychological disorders kids are prone to and how  they can be alleviated.

As a kid growing up, did you play in one place? When you mum ask you to play in the room, did you only played in the room and not ventured outside the room? Be honest. Is it then fair to say you have hyperactive disorder?

^^Well we actually were fortunate enough to have a playroom full of toys, books and all manner of things that would keep us gainfully occupied.
So no, we were, mostly, not in the habit of running amok all over the house and creating a nuisance of ourselves. If we did act up then of course we were punished.
The point is that you need to provide kids with love, structure , discipline and a framework whereby they can be gainfully occupied.

tensor777:

^^Well we actually were fortunate enough to have a playroom full of toys, books and all manner of things that would keep us gainfully occupied.
So no, we were, mostly, not in the habit of running amok all over the house and creating a nuisance of ourselves. If we did act up then of course we were punished.
The point is that you need to provide kids with love, structure , discipline and a framework whereby they can be gainfully occupied.

You never addressed the issue I directed to you. The fact is you most likely ran/played around just like any another kids, and using your logic, is it fair to say you had/have  a disorder as a result of doing what is essentially normal for a child to do? Probably not.

I think that is the point I was pointing out.

^^Well to be honest I was very surprised that a lot of parents back then had to resort to such extreme punishments to keep their kids in check.
That suggests, in of itself, there was a kind of punishments' progression: from a telling off, to mild spanking, to caning, to horsewhipping,  to flogging with NEPA cables and finally deliberate scarring and scalding.
I would have thought that, in normal circumstances, a telling-off or a mild spanking would have been enough to secure obedience in most cases to parental instructions.
Apart fom clear cases where the parent had mental health issues, does this not point to some kind of deep-rooted underlying problem?

tensor777:

^^Well to be honest I was very surprised that a lot of parents back then had to resort to such extreme punishments to keep their kids in check.
That suggests, in of itself, there was a kind of punishments' progression: from a telling off, to mild spanking, to caning, to horsewhipping,  to flogging with NEPA cables and finally deliberate scarring.
I would have thought that, in normal circumstances a telling off or a mild spanking would have been enough to secure obedience in most cases to parental instructions.
Apart fom clear cases where the parent had mental health issues, does this not point to some kind of deep-rooted underlying problem?

Not sure I get your point here, but some argue that spanking - especially when it becomes really bad - shows nothing, but a poor parental skills. Some even argue that there are ways to cope with a child or to structure them without beating, sometimes I do think they have a point.

If you beat someone so as to change them, it is essentially crude and trying to crush the will power and individuality of that person - in this case, a kid. I am not so sure it is go to use canning like they do back home to try and correct a child.

As usual, this is all my opinion and not in anyway a statement of fact.

^^There is certainly a case for spanking as I have said when

1) the kid has deliberately and wilfully disobeyed ,( that maybe puts himself in danger) or
2) the kid has told a lie.

Sometimes kids do pick up such bad habits, say from outside the home, and as such it is necessary to have a harsher punishment system in place to deal with such an eventuality.

Whats more, in the West there are systems in which kids with ADHD or other disorders are identified, diagnosed, and treated.

These and other behavioural modification systems were not available in our parents time, and as such, many just saw it fit to keep on escalating the degree of violence they meted out to their kids.
Of course there were other factors that were at play like upbringing and cultural expectaions that actively influenced parental behaviour at that time.

I for one am an opponent of these new means of explaining away bad behaviour in kids as medical disorders.

tpiah:

some of these posts would be better off modified btw. imo.

I speak for myself and am sure some others.

The experiences posted on here have been toned down, the reality is definitely richer in detail i'd bet.

davidylan:

I for one am an opponent of these new means of explaining away bad behaviour in kids as medical disorders.

Me too. There was a paper I had to read for my portfolio. I think it is titled[i] Medicalisation of Deviant behaviour (Peter Conrad).[/i] It is essentially how Big pharmaceutical companies make drugs and then trying to find market for it. They usually end up with making drugs as prescription for what is nothing but normal behaviour.

While I agree that kids may have certain conditions that parent may not know about, but in some of the cases here, I am yet to see one that could be classified as a medical condition like Hyperactivity disorder.

I have a 'teacher' mother and by God we got disciplined.
She hardly flogs but when you are done with her punishment,i'm sure you'l pray never to tread that path again.
Something she did to my elder brother now I think of it isnt right.
We lived in a Federal housing quaterz then,and it was just a new quaters and we always heard of people getting lost/missing. After several warnings frm both parents not to leave the house when they aren't around,my mom resorted to locking the gates and going out with the keys! My elder learnt and taught me how to scale walls and each time she leaves,we'l scale out and play with other kids and when we suspect she'l be back,we'l scale back in and be great children. We missed out one day and she subsequently ties my brother to a seat, and chains my leg(s) to the bed and goes out with the key (lol)
my brother stil has pains on his chest,he believes its from those days of strong rope tying!
My mum remains the best anyway. Nw I laff but really,that mode of punishment is wrong

^You say it wasn't right even though repeatedly he wilfully disobeyed a parental instruction thereby putting himself and you, his kid sister, in danger from kidnappers and murderers.
What exactly did you want your mum to do to such a stubborn and disobedient son? 
Even you were honest enough  to list the escalation of punishments that emanated from the repeated floutings of her orders.

davidylan:

I for one am an opponent of these new means of explaining away bad behaviour in kids as medical disorders.

true.  some of these parents are just negligent and ignore their childrens need for attention.

i'm not a fan of putting kids on meds except necessary. 

After several warnings frm both parents not to leave the house when they aren't around,my mom resorted to locking the gates and going out with the keys!

that's a fire hazard.  the things some nigerians do.

elrazur - how's your relationship with your family in general. i hope you can come at peace with them

hmmm

bawomolo:

that's a fire hazard.  the things some nigerians do.

True that but she did not start doing that until the son started disobeying her orders.

bawomolo:

i'm not a fan of putting kids on meds except necessary. 

Well a lot of kids do need to be put on medication if only as a non-coercive way of controlling their behaviour.
Nobody here is claiming that the medication actually cures the child.

tensor777:

True that but she did not start doing that until the son started disobeying her orders.

Kids will be kids, there's no avoiding that. If a parent can't cope with bringing up children, y botha having em?
There really is no justification for 'over' punishing kids. Guess the 'over' part is relative.

^^Well there is usually escalation of disobedience and consequent punishment.
There are a lot of posters here who are explaining how they had to face the consequences of deliberately and wantonly disobeying their parents.
To me such wanton and reckless disobedience that puts the kids life in danger, deserves to be severely punished and should not be classified as a wrong a parent can do.
In the above case, it is clear that the mum was just being protective.

tensor777:

^You say it wasn't right even though repeatedly he wilfully disobeyed a parental instruction thereby putting himself and you, his kid sister, in danger from kidnappers and murderers.
What exactly did you want your mum to do to such a stubborn and disobedient son? 
Even you were honest enough  to list the escalation of punishments that emanated from the repeated floutings of her orders.

2day my brother is at his best indoors! He cant wait for a public holiday,a reason to stay indoors.
We brought up this matter a long time ago with mom and we laffd over it but now she,me and brother believe its a very bad form of punishment.

^^I am sure she can laugh over it now as its in the past, but if you were in her position at that time what exactly would you have done?

ElRazur:

Okay, get you know.

I think it helps a lot of people to tell their stories without holding back.

Well, it works for me I guess, and to be frank if my sister or anyone who knows me in person end up reading it, it makes no difference to me.

well, as a kid i can honestly say i walked miles at a stretch. In fact, i must have physically covered at least half or three quarters of nigeria were i able to calculate the distances i've walked in that country.


Your situation was bad, no doubt, but i have the feeling it was heightened by the fact that your sister's kids had it easier than you.


In my case, i actually enjoyed the walking and even got used to it after a while.

weird, i know.

but in any case, i was walking for myself [to get to places i wanted to go] and not necessarily under compulsion, so i guess it's not exactly the same.  Except for one time i had to go somewhere on an errand for someone, and the distance was further than i'd ever been before.