sisimmi:

@ Ikedom, Likeme, et al
I brought this matter up because I needed your contributions so it would help me handle a problem.  If I had slept with Honourable, I would have said so.  You don't know me, and I have no reason whatsoever to lie.  If I lie, how then would I get sound advice that is not obscured by my lie?  I've put out everything as it happened.  On my honour, the Honourable guy has never asked me out.  We are so close that he would look very awkward and irresponsible to contemplate asking me out.  

Talk about change of status.  I knew this guy when he had absolutely nothing.  He was from a very humble background yet, very intelligent.  I saw in him, a big and bright future and in my innocence, I fell flat for him.  He disvirgined me.  I've never slept with any other man in my life till today.  That is a fact.  It is the more reason his betrayal and infidelity hurt me so deeply.  I've tried severally to overcome the hurt; have prayed about it but my mind keeps going back to it.  We struggled together from 2000 until he had his first break in 2004, when he could afford is own house and a car!  I used to steal food from my house and take to him while he was in the Polytechnic.  He was everything to me coz I lost my father while I was a year old, and grew up with my auntie!  We met because he was living with a lecturer (who took him in coz he had no house) next to my auntie's house.  And, he was such a good and smart guy.

I encouraged him to secure his house.  I took it upon myself to furnish the house, from carpet to curtains, etc.  We did a lot for each other.  He wrote my project, term papers, etc.  He helped me secure admission in the University.  One day, I was in his house after he lost his job when he sent an sms to another girl, proposing to drop her off in Uyo, from Calabar! And, I gave him money to fuel the car that morning!  In another instance, I returned from Abuja impromptu to his apartment to discover that he had removed all my pictures that adorned his sitting room.  To me, this was a clear sign that he was doing something silly!  He left the pictures in the bedroom and when I accosted him, he said he removed the photos to clean up the house.  This was the very day I made up my mind to start withdrawing from him.  But I didn't know how best to handle it.  As I said, a lot has happened.  The bottomline is, I am fade up with the relationship.  

It is unfortunate that I secured my present job before him.  We took the aptitude test together; sat together and he solved most of the questions (he is a computer Science graduate with a good 2.1).  We also did the interview together.  When the employment came, his name wasn't in the list.  It hurt me, but hurt him so much! Since then, I have been doing everything I can to ensure, he comes in.  I managed to include his name in the last exclusive test that was conducted for only selected candidates from well-placed Nigerians.  he told me he did well, and I've been hustling in my organization on his behalf.

Upon resumption, I've gotten a housing loan and have paid for my house in Abuja.  He wanted to know the place but because I didn't want his troubles, I refised to let him.  My hiding somethings from him led up to his violence of friday which has now escalated every matter beyond control.  He has a very big temper.  He still hugely loves me but I foresee that we may end up breaking up in future.  That has been my dilenma!  I've warned him not to call me.  He still calls but I won't pick.  His action of friday has worsened everything.  Even if we still need to marry, who would collect the marriage drinks?  My only surviving uncle says he doesn't even want to see him.  I know I've made mistakes.  But how can I end this peacefully without more damage?  Who do I need to talk to?

jay bee:

Wow Wow Wow Wow Uju
This side of you is the bomb.
Thumbs/head/hands/feet up
GBAM GBAM GBAM

sisimmi:

@This is his latest email. check:

Baby,
I'm not convinced, you took me to Uyo to annul the relationship, or that you wanted to escalate our disgreement as much as this. Why don't you hold yourself back? How come, you cannot control your anger? When you tell everybody about how bad I am, do you remember that I have been crucial to building up everything you'll ever be in future? Do you remember the dark days that you and I had no one except ourselves to lean on? Now, when they advice you to leave me alone, have you asked them whether they've not had worse moments in their relationships?

You need to give deeper thoughts and reflection to your relationship before you throw it away. If I do you wrong, and show you after that I am SORRY about that thing I have done, no matter how terrible or unthinkable the wrong was, you MUST forgive me. The reason is that I didn't do you that wrong because I hate you. But, because I was looking for ways to show you that I CANNOT do without you. And, I did it the wrong way! It ends there. Looking back, I've been more useful to you than just a few ugly incidents. They are bad, very bad indeed but they are not enough to destroy all we stood for.

Take a look at this. No one (as I always say) would ever build your relationship for you. Everything that has happened between us are traceable to our inability to sit and talk and solve our problems. When you are angry, it takes you forever to rebuild your life and get over it. That gradually pushed I and you to desperation until we have in this mess. No matter how you hate me, your story would never be complete without me. I've been part of 13, out of your 30 years! Those years can never be regained, no matter how we all wish and strive. I've said I'M SORRY more than a million times to you, but you never forgive; you never forget. Now, from very little problems that wouldn't have taken any effort to solve, we are gradually degenerating to a point where we'll break up after a very bitter quarrel. And, 10 to 20 years from now, don't you think you would regret all your actions? Have you ever asked yourselve why we met and why it took us so long to break up? Have you asked yourself why you suddenly started hating me the very moment you had your job? Have you asked why I am the only person you can easily afford to throw away due to hatred and disagreement? Do you think I'll just walk away with this pain without asking God why? Where exactly would it lead us? Did we meet to collectively wreck ourselves? Why can't you pull yourself together and face this challenge like we have done many other times before?

When you were leaving Pastor………, 's house, I pleaded with you to mind the things you tell your family. The reason was that it would expose all the things we never wanted anybody to hear. You refused to heed that advice and now, everything is running out of control. Do you now know what anger can cause? It never does any good to anybody, including me. I harassed you on friday because I was angry. You took me to Uyo because you were angry. And the anger has spread to everybody and is consuming a relationship you built for 13 years! That is not wise at all. And, we both are losers in this! Just as I have a contrite, remorseful and regretful heart, you should also reflect on the role you played and ask yourself if there are some things you could have done better. I am quite sure that if you were really interested in keeping this relationship since August, we would not have got to this point. And, does it now matter to you that among all the people who have been part of your life in the last 24+ years, I am the ONLY one you now hate the most? Yet, I have been the most close and best friend you ever had and would ever have?

I've learnt some very hard lessons from all these. I regret every desperate measure I took to win you back. I should have waited until night on friday before revealing myself to you. That way, all these wouldn't have happened. Yet, if you took my calls after everyone had pleaded with you to do so, I would not have come to Abuja and all these would not have occured. It's sad to think about you as someone I may have to do without for the rest of my life. I always hated to imagine you in that light. You know, I have tried all I can, to bring you back to me! And, you are leaving me a very broken and devastated man. And you know deep inside you that I love you so dearly that I cannot do anything to cause you physical harm or bring shame to you. If I wanted to, I would have done so long long ago! You know me more than anyone else and its only you that can tell if I have all my life meant well for you and done everything to ensure you are a happy woman! I leave history to be the judge. For me, I had sworn to keep you as my wife for the rest of my life. Even if you cannot come back, I would keep that vow. And, I know the relationship would haunt you everywhere you go. I'm sure, you know what I mean! 13 years is not 13 days! You should even know that more than I do because I've been true to you and no matter how anyone may try to paint me in very bad light, you know in your heart that I've been honestly, sincerely and truly in love with you. I spared nothing to show this! And I still do!

I've shed so much tears in this relationship because I value and treasure it; because I don't have a way to explain vividly to you what you mean to me and why I did all the things I did to win your heart back to me and because you are not the girl I used to know. And, did you spare a minute to think of how humiliated and devastated I was when walking away from Pastor ……, 's house? And how terrible I've felt since then till now? If and when you leave me, who do you go to? Will he kiss you the way I used to? Or take you to the market and cook with you the way we used to? Would he call you Pretty Girl? Would he love your family, mom, sisters, brothers and grandmother the way I used to? Would he give up his convenience for your sake like I used to? Would he be there at all times, to share your life's troubles with you? And advice you? How would you feel when you move to your new house with a new man in your life? And when the Union Homes house comes, how would you feel to own it with someone who was not part of your hard times? How would you wake and sleep with someone else as husband? Would you be able to love him? Like you used to love me? When you make children, won't you feel bad that for 13 years, I and you couldn't get even one child because we were poor? And when things started looking up, we separated and someone else becomes father to your children? Don't you feel that would dent your heart and conscience forever? If you were in my shoes, how would you feel?

Someday, I'll get to Hon, to also tell my story! I'll do so because I know, he doesn't have a complete picture. The same with Uncle………, ……., …, , etc. Every person who has been in a relationship before and put in all his heart would understand and appreciate why it is foolish for us to separate now. I know, they are mature and would not wish their own children to waste 13 years struggling to build a more solid union only to end up breaking up because they couldn't handle their emotions. I know I wasn't right to do some of the things I did, especially on friday. I've felt very SORRY about it all. I see it as one of those odd moments. But everything happened because I am poor. My poverty pushed you to Abuja. Our poverty made you live in Gwarinpa. Our poverty caused you to hide me from Hon. …, etc. And that lead us to this situation.

Beyond all these however, I still see hope and light at the end of the tunnel. I still feel that you'll be the mother of our children! We can't afford anything less. We deserve it and God would not let us plant without harvesting. I remember there was a time you desired that I should be there in the Theater, when you would give birth to our first child! I remember so many lovely dreams we had. I know you won't believe this and you would try to do everything to stop us. BUT because I know we were brought together by GOD, and He doesn't start a project He cannot finish, I believe He would solve this crisis for us since it seems, no man can! It would be very hard to forget you. I guess, we've come to this very tough moment because God wants to do something new in our lives. I still plead for your FORGIVENESS. It would set the foundation for our reconcilliation and a new beginning. I believe this in my heart, even if it may take 10 years. I know, God can never let two honest hearts, go to waste. I've been honest to you, and you've been honest to me.

I still love you, no matter what. Have a lovely day and God bless you for me.

Very truly,
………………,

jay bee:

Wow Wow Wow Wow Uju
This side of you is the bomb.
Thumbs/head/hands/feet up
GBAM GBAM GBAM

obowunmi:

@ OP, do not marry a man that does not have a job. You are only setting your self up for future marital problems.


I don't care what people say, money matters in a relationship --- you least you both must bring something to the table even if its 50 kobo.

buttkick:

just finished going through that mail. wow my oh my. if every word of it is believable, against all ive posted earlier and the slight reservation i have about him feeling he is the last bus stop and that you cant do better than what he has to offer, take a deep breath if you can forgive him, marry this guy. qed.

my father's friend, who was instrumental to my securing the NYSC placement takes me like a daughter and I respect him so much that I have always wanted to only present my fiancee to him when we are ready to hit the alter; when he has a job.

Our poverty made you live in Gwarinpa. Our poverty caused you to hide me from Hon. …, etc. And that lead us to this situation.

sisimmi:
U know what? If I introduced this guy to that Hon. guy and some "conservative" members of my family, I would have been under tremendous pressure to drop the guy long ago!

Honestly, when we went to uyo, I had no plan to dump him. However, something just happpened. The Pastor asked me and I told him I'm no more interested in the relationship. Before he asked me, he said he had a revealation but would not disclose it until I speak my mind. I managed to utter the word that I'm tired of the relationship. My hope was that the Pastor would counsel, advice and encourage us to settle amicably! That was what took me there. AND, my entire family believes this pastor so well. I completely believe him too because his predictions have never failed!

sisimmi:

I'm not one that cares about cash! In the last couple of years, I've shared everything I've ever had with him. He knows I don't care about material possessions. As I said, I met him when we were both worth nothing materially. He too doesn't care either. I know that of him! anything I have has been his, and money is NOT and can NEVER be the reason why we are splitting. That is completely true of me. I'm sure the guy would certainly land a very good job. He is very intelligent and knows his onions. That is as sure as sunrise tomorrow. I've always encouraged him to keep calm. I've consulted in church severally on his behalf. ---------------------. Before he asked me, he said he had a revealation but would not disclose it until I speak my mind. I managed to utter the word that I'm tired of the relationship. My hope was that the Pastor would counsel, advice and encourage us to settle amicably! That was what took me there. AND, my entire family believes this pastor so well. I completely believe him too because his predictions have never failed! So, to me it was a rude shock when he began to speak that we are not destined to marry; that if we try, we would end up burying one of us prematurely.

You know, I have tried all I can, to bring you back to me! And, you are leaving me a very broken and devastated man. And you know deep inside you that I love you so dearly that I cannot do anything to cause you physical harm or bring shame to you

Ujujoan:

---------------and your man saw that as a threat. You should calm his fears, not escalate the matter

oyinda.:

Sisimmi, from what I have read, you two are not on the same page at all!

you are breaking up with him because of mistrust and infidelity issues.
On the other hand, he thinks you're breaking up with him because he is poor.

I think you should sit him down and tell him the truth. You should have told him in the following days after you found out that he hid your photos from his living room that you are losing your feelings for him. Truth is bitter but it would have saved you from all these mess.

Yea his letter was touching but he seems soo oblivious to the fact that you are mad at him for cheating on you. he doesn't mention that anywhere in his letter. Instead, he seem sorry only for what he did on "friday"

your priority now should be letting him understand why you don't want to be in the relationship and making him understand that it has more to do with his infidelity than with money.
Then help him get over you fast!!! because  you don't want him doing something dangerous like committing suicide or trying to kill you. You already said that he has anger issues.
make it clear to him that most of your feelings are gone. and then put it up to him to decide if he still wants to be with a woman who doesn't love him anymore. Obviously he must be very foolish if he still decides to stay with you after you tell him you don't love him anymore.
and make it clear to him that you lost your love for him the day you found out he was cheating. let him know that it is not because of his finances because then, it will seem like your fault and that's not true. It was really all his fault!!

I won't punish myself by being with someone I have no feelings for just because I pity them or because you have had 13 yrs together in the past. 

Yes you guys were together for 13 years but really, why cry over spilled milk? In economics, they call it "Sunk Cost" There is absolutely nothing you can do about the 13 years past so don't let it affect you psychologically. All you have to do is look forward and move on!!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sunk_costs


What you should try your best to do is to remain friends with him because he does seem like a great guy. Just not right for you.