Remember all the suffering your mum took for you..no woman in the world can love you like her.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8yG9zndEpRw Hey I'm a 17 yr old producer doing it all on his own and I'll appreciate if y'all check my beats out and show some love.I'm not trying to be annoying just wanna pursue my dreams
E685: My wife and I have been together for 8 years now, married for 5. I am 33 and she is 30. We now have our first child, a son who is just turning 1. He is everything to both of us. Before our son, our relationship was strong, although to be honest I’ve always been frustrated with my wife’s way of handling issues. I’m the kind of person who is very hard to get angry, I hear people out, and I talk out my issues. I listen to all sides and I think logically before emotionally. I seek therapy when I’m stuck. My wife is the opposite. She reacts with emotions first. She is very quick to be offended by anything. She will shut down and refuse to communicate until she has had time to process. I do all of the work resolving issues we have. I sometimes wonder if I ever stop taking the high road and work through our issues, if anything would ever resolve itself. So that being said, conflict management aside, we are happy. We are passionate, have similar interests, and make each other laugh.
Then there’s my mother. Where to begin. My mother, while seen as incredibly loving and generous to many people, is also a person who has been shut out of so many relationships in her life that I really just feel bad. My father and her are divorced. She has a genuine phobia of being left out - of gatherings, of relationships, of family. She is extremely smart and knows how to manipulate people into doing what she wants. She also widely seen as a “difficult” person. She is difficult in that she finds great offense to issues many people would not notice or care about. If she feels wronged, she will overwhelm the person who wronged her with incessant questions trying to make them feel her side until they cave in. In her closest relationships, her absolute need for the show of love and inclusion and validation cause the very people she is trying to reel closer in to push her away, a self fulfilling prophecy. My Mom, while I love her, is her own worst enemy.
Needless to say, these two, my wife and my mother, clash. At first they liked each other. The very first issue involved our wedding planning. My wife had a very clear plan for the guest list, and my mom asked for a number of her friends to be included on the list. My wife did not want that, got immediately upset and the situation blew out of control. My mom called me nonstop asking why my wife could be so cold, unwilling to see her side, or give in even an inch. My wife felt my Mom was making the wedding all about her, and could not believe she was called cold. She was “done”. My mom wasn’t paying for a cent of the wedding either so this was another offense. In the end I brokered a compromise, much to the dismay of both women. Each held the grudge for a long time.
Occasionally my mother would do something that my wife disliked, and my wife would be pissed at me for not standing up for her. Admittedly I had never stood up to my mother, I always took the time to listen to her side and find reason behind her otherwise inflammatory ways. My wife and mother had a falling out right before the wedding, and forced me to choose sides. I struggled as I found both of them to be at fault. I chose my wife and my mother hated it. Ever since, basically anything that my mother says or does, whether good or not, offends my wife. Even the most genuine attempts by my mother to reach out to my wife are smacked down. My wife has never made any effort to release the past resentment. Over the years my mother has attempted to take the high road, only to be barely acknowledged by my wife. I have always pleaded with my wife to at least pretend to like my mother. She did a bad job of pretending because my mother would always call me and ask why my wife appears to never care or never let go of past feelings. So both saw through each other, my mother would continue to act happy and loving, while my wife never would.
Anyway now our son came into the picture. He is amazing and being the first grandchild on both sides, the grandparents want to be around him every chance they can get. My mother visit every weekend. I told my wife we have to let her do this. My wife dreaded this. I told my mother that one of the weekends, we wanted her to visit on a Sunday (staying over till Monday morning) instead of a Saturday because we had plans that Saturday. In actuality the day was a birthday celebration for my father in law, being held at her parents house. She just didn’t want my mother involved in everything so she put her foot down. My mother wouldn’t take no for an answer and pulled it out of me what we were doing that day. Well she took great offense to the fact that she was not automatically invited, and couldn’t believe how cold, unChristian, and I loving my wife and her family were.
This stuff affects me greatly so of course I share with my wife, and she exclaims she is done with my mother. No longer wants to be nice or pretend, she is tired of how much my mother always wants it all to be her way and then throws out insulting and hurtful words about my wife to get her way. I get messages from my moms friends telling me how I need to see things my moms way, they would never exclude their mother this way, and that my wife is causing all of this.
And so here we are. I saw my mother the next day, and my wife removed herself from the situation by staying out for the day. It was incredibly uncomfortable. I told my mother how mad I was at her for always being so difficult and never just letting it go. I told her my real feelings about how I wished she could stop needing such inclusion and love. Her response was that she is justified in wanting to be included in everything, and that my wife has never shown her any love or effort and it was obvious, so what could she possibly do? I told her my wife is willing to work on this, perhaps in professional therapy. But in reality my wife wants no part of that and has no desire to mend anything anymore. I think she resents me for trying to mend things.
So what do I do? I’m frustrated with my mom for being difficult, always needing more and never letting things go, and saying inflammatory things when she doesn’t get her way. But I see that all she’s ever wanted was peace and love, and my wife never gave her that. I’m frustrated with my wife for getting so easily offended at everything my mother says or does, and I wish she could make any effort to see the other side and let go of such a grudge. My mother is definitely strong willed and manipulative but I think there is love there if only we could work through it. My wife is extremely assertive and refuses to let anyone wrong her twice. Both think the other has always been dead wrong, the entirety of the blame, and will never change. My wife is ok never seeing my mother again, yet my mother says she wants to let bygones be bygones and attempt to work through it.
What should I do? Forever stuck in the middle. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Listen to ur self, and the trash u wrote, this ur wife will put u in deep shit, what is there if ur mother want to add additional guest to the list, where is the problem there is ur wife is not wicked, if its her mother will she turn her down.
Imagine the trash u wrote that she didn't add a dime to the wedding, listen to ur self bro, u are weak.... As in very weak, if ur wife can't look for a ground to accept ur mother, then she is a devil, all I see here is a mother in law who just want to be heard , who is proud of her son...
See how u ran to ur wife father's birthday, am sure ur wife will tell u ur mother birthday is not worth celebrating.
Bros u be ewu, it means goat in Igbo language ....
[s]Mattew 19:5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
Your mum should allow you and your wife to run your home. She is a divorcee and she shouldn't make you and your wife fall into the same category Its understandable that you love your mum, but you're married and she should understand that, for peace to reign. You can invite your mum when you and your wife reaches an agreement[/s]
LadySarah: Your wife is crazy. The tables will be turned in the future very soon. Does she want your mom dead. Why won't your mom add her own guests? Is it not a Nigerian wedding thingy anymore?
You are speaking long grammar while she disrespect s your mom. FU... CK HER
Your mom on the other hand should ignore her if I was her and stop visiting every damn weekend. At most twice a yr except an event or emergency.
Both of you will beg before you hear from me or see my legs in your house.
Nonsense and it's ingredients!
It seems the son is the only idiot the mama have, if not the best decision is to avoid him and his stupid wife, wait for them till the day they will come begging
Though I'm not married, but you taking side at the beginning cost you everything. You ought not to have taken side with your wife and not your mother either. Also, stop hyping up everything as if it is very serious matter. If anyone one of them (Either your Mom or your wife) came to report, just answer with "Na una know" or "it's you guys that know". Never take side that one is wrong or not. Bros you are a family man now and you need to act like one. Don't let both women ruin your family for you.
For more help, you can reach me through my signature.
I don't want to know how you fix it one thing I wish to remind you is that the love of a mother to her children is priceless..if you are smart with this reminder you will know what to do..
Winneygirl: You have described my Mum. I may not know how to handle her 100%, but I know the medicine. When she starts any issue, my response is "I have heard". I don't try to help rationalize, or argue, or pitch in. She will design your life for you from A to Z and want you to start living according to her plan. . What she doesn't know is this. " I have heard " is different from "I will do as you have said " . Learn to handle your Mum, and teach your wife how to. Less of arguments. Stop shutting her out. The medicine to it all is... "I have heard". Whether you do as she says or not is now up to you.
Your wife is a very selfish woman......your mother is lonely and she just want your attention. stop blaming your mother and talk to your wife as the man of the house. Forget love and do the right thing by scolding your wife she has taken your love for granted, if she respects you she will definitely respect your mother. Mr do the needful before its too late. your wife has no regard for your mother. your mother does not hate your wife, your wife hates your mother
Buh why would she reject the list? There's something the Op ain't telling us. Maybe the list was sooooooo long and the wife didn't want her wedding to be flooded with old peeps
What do I know?
Tell your wife to take your mother as her very own mum and your mother should take your wife as her own daughter.......
They should try this for one month and you will see changes...
Your mum should stop insulting your wife too. That's not motherlike. My mum doesn't insult me when she's mad except those play play insults like (see her tiny legs)
Your wife should grow the fuvk up too. I won't fault her cause I haven't heard her side of the story and I don't know how much she has endured buh she should work towards a change. She should welcome your mum into her heart as her own mum. My mum and I have quarrelled and fought and argued, stopped talking buh las las she's still my mum, I don't shut her out....
As for you, Kpele take ur DANO milk and be strong...
Candiesramah: It's this your wife that will kill you. It's like once some of you men get married, you trade your sense of reasoning along the way. Just imagine the nonsense you defended. What was wrong in your mum requesting an addition in your wedding guest list? Would that your wife have rejected it if it had come from her mother? She should be happy she got a good mother-in-law willing to make things work out, else, she would have been shown what's like to have issues with mothers-in-law. I don't blame her sha, it's you I blame.
Raw truth. A wife deserves her respect as a wife but not to extent of disregarding a good mother-in-law, who suffered to raise her husband. It is the duty of the man to make it clear to the wife from the very beginning that his mother is very sacrosanct.
excessmon: Please a little advice If you are getting married as a favorite or only son pls kindly relocate out of the place where ur extended family members reside. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and breeds respect..... if ur extended family sees ur immediate family members less often there will be awesome respect
Tabitha03: Your wife is a very selfish woman......your mother is lonely and she just want your attention. stop blaming your mother and talk to your wife as the man of the house. Forget love and do the right thing by scolding your wife she has taken your love for granted, if she respects you she will definitely respect your mother. Mr do the needful before its too late. your wife has no regard for your mother. your mother does not hate your wife, your wife hates your mother
Rare comment from ladies!! Op, please follow this Babe's advice!
Candiesramah: It's this your wife that will kill you. It's like once some of you men get married, you trade your sense of reasoning along the way. Just imagine the nonsense you defended. What was wrong in your mum requesting an addition in your wedding guest list? Would that your wife have rejected it if it had come from her mother? She should be happy she got a good mother-in-law willing to make things work out, else, she would have been shown what's like to have issues with mothers-in-law. I don't blame her sha, it's you I blame.
OP is a pansy. His wife certainly has zero respect for him.
E685: My wife and I have been together for 8 years now, married for 5. I am 33 and she is 30. We now have our first child, a son who is just turning 1. He is everything to both of us. Before our son, our relationship was strong, although to be honest I’ve always been frustrated with my wife’s way of handling issues. I’m the kind of person who is very hard to get angry, I hear people out, and I talk out my issues. I listen to all sides and I think logically before emotionally. I seek therapy when I’m stuck. My wife is the opposite. She reacts with emotions first. She is very quick to be offended by anything. She will shut down and refuse to communicate until she has had time to process. I do all of the work resolving issues we have. I sometimes wonder if I ever stop taking the high road and work through our issues, if anything would ever resolve itself. So that being said, conflict management aside, we are happy. We are passionate, have similar interests, and make each other laugh.
Then there’s my mother. Where to begin. My mother, while seen as incredibly loving and generous to many people, is also a person who has been shut out of so many relationships in her life that I really just feel bad. My father and her are divorced. She has a genuine phobia of being left out - of gatherings, of relationships, of family. She is extremely smart and knows how to manipulate people into doing what she wants. She also widely seen as a “difficult” person. She is difficult in that she finds great offense to issues many people would not notice or care about. If she feels wronged, she will overwhelm the person who wronged her with incessant questions trying to make them feel her side until they cave in. In her closest relationships, her absolute need for the show of love and inclusion and validation cause the very people she is trying to reel closer in to push her away, a self fulfilling prophecy. My Mom, while I love her, is her own worst enemy.
Needless to say, these two, my wife and my mother, clash. At first they liked each other. The very first issue involved our wedding planning. My wife had a very clear plan for the guest list, and my mom asked for a number of her friends to be included on the list. My wife did not want that, got immediately upset and the situation blew out of control. My mom called me nonstop asking why my wife could be so cold, unwilling to see her side, or give in even an inch. My wife felt my Mom was making the wedding all about her, and could not believe she was called cold. She was “done”. My mom wasn’t paying for a cent of the wedding either so this was another offense. In the end I brokered a compromise, much to the dismay of both women. Each held the grudge for a long time.
Occasionally my mother would do something that my wife disliked, and my wife would be pissed at me for not standing up for her. Admittedly I had never stood up to my mother, I always took the time to listen to her side and find reason behind her otherwise inflammatory ways. My wife and mother had a falling out right before the wedding, and forced me to choose sides. I struggled as I found both of them to be at fault. I chose my wife and my mother hated it. Ever since, basically anything that my mother says or does, whether good or not, offends my wife. Even the most genuine attempts by my mother to reach out to my wife are smacked down. My wife has never made any effort to release the past resentment. Over the years my mother has attempted to take the high road, only to be barely acknowledged by my wife. I have always pleaded with my wife to at least pretend to like my mother. She did a bad job of pretending because my mother would always call me and ask why my wife appears to never care or never let go of past feelings. So both saw through each other, my mother would continue to act happy and loving, while my wife never would.
Anyway now our son came into the picture. He is amazing and being the first grandchild on both sides, the grandparents want to be around him every chance they can get. My mother visit every weekend. I told my wife we have to let her do this. My wife dreaded this. I told my mother that one of the weekends, we wanted her to visit on a Sunday (staying over till Monday morning) instead of a Saturday because we had plans that Saturday. In actuality the day was a birthday celebration for my father in law, being held at her parents house. She just didn’t want my mother involved in everything so she put her foot down. My mother wouldn’t take no for an answer and pulled it out of me what we were doing that day. Well she took great offense to the fact that she was not automatically invited, and couldn’t believe how cold, unChristian, and I loving my wife and her family were.
This stuff affects me greatly so of course I share with my wife, and she exclaims she is done with my mother. No longer wants to be nice or pretend, she is tired of how much my mother always wants it all to be her way and then throws out insulting and hurtful words about my wife to get her way. I get messages from my moms friends telling me how I need to see things my moms way, they would never exclude their mother this way, and that my wife is causing all of this.
And so here we are. I saw my mother the next day, and my wife removed herself from the situation by staying out for the day. It was incredibly uncomfortable. I told my mother how mad I was at her for always being so difficult and never just letting it go. I told her my real feelings about how I wished she could stop needing such inclusion and love. Her response was that she is justified in wanting to be included in everything, and that my wife has never shown her any love or effort and it was obvious, so what could she possibly do? I told her my wife is willing to work on this, perhaps in professional therapy. But in reality my wife wants no part of that and has no desire to mend anything anymore. I think she resents me for trying to mend things.
So what do I do? I’m frustrated with my mom for being difficult, always needing more and never letting things go, and saying inflammatory things when she doesn’t get her way. But I see that all she’s ever wanted was peace and love, and my wife never gave her that. I’m frustrated with my wife for getting so easily offended at everything my mother says or does, and I wish she could make any effort to see the other side and let go of such a grudge. My mother is definitely strong willed and manipulative but I think there is love there if only we could work through it. My wife is extremely assertive and refuses to let anyone wrong her twice. Both think the other has always been dead wrong, the entirety of the blame, and will never change. My wife is ok never seeing my mother again, yet my mother says she wants to let bygones be bygones and attempt to work through it.
What should I do? Forever stuck in the middle. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Candiesramah: It's this your wife that will kill you. It's like once some of you men get married, you trade your sense of reasoning along the way. Just imagine the nonsense you defended. What was wrong in your mum requesting an addition in your wedding guest list? Would that your wife have rejected it if it had come from her mother? She should be happy she got a good mother-in-law willing to make things work out, else, she would have been shown what's like to have issues with mothers-in-law. I don't blame her sha, it's you I blame.
Too much sense will not kill you, we without problem won't think this way. It will even give me joy to have such problem��� Enjoy your mum while it last and ensure you make her happy.
Mizwisdom: "A man must leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife"
Your mother needs a husband, she wants one. Loneliness seems to be her main problem, try to matchmake her with someone responsible so that you can be free to enjoy your marriage in peace
I think your mum needs to give your marriage a breathing space... she is chocking your marriage and her Daughter in law... your wife can do better.... She needs to work on her attitude and create an enabling environment that will work for her and your mum. But I think in this, your mum is wrong.... Third party interference in marriage is very wrong...did her own mother in law force herself on her marriage to your dad?.... She should please give your wife and your marriage some breathing space.
eni4real: Rare comment from ladies!! Op, please follow this Babe's advice!
don't talk to your wife abt anything, from the day u were sensible, u know ur mother is a difficult person.. Yes she is ur mum dosent mean u won't talk wat u noticed, some pple can't stand pple like that.. Call meeting and invite a pastor to salvage d situation
Are you the only child or son? Seems like you married your mother because your wife is very much like your mother.
The truth is that your home is for your wife and you and too much interference should be controlled, whether from her mother or your mother.
Your mum should understand that you are married and she needs to give you space. I can't imagine my MIL coming to my home and trying to run it for me. She needs to give you guys a breather.
I can't believe I'm commenting, I'm suppose to be "internet-fasting" right now (personal decision), I'm not suppose to even be online, yet here am I even commenting, just because of how emotional I am with your story.
I am not married yet, so my advice is more like "theoretical", you claim you are very reasonable, so I will leave you to "the application".
You seems to have tried all possible ways, now here is "plan Z" below:
Most of your description of personalities sound very familiar to me, so I kind of understand what you are going through.
E685, I think, both your mum and your wife are very selfish (forget their temperament, their temperament is only the avenue for them to show their selfishness).
So that leads us to the next thing, they both are playing politics. And what is the goal of this politics: "You". Yes you.
Women are generally very jealous, they don't want to share the limelight with anyone, and that is the problem. They don't want to share you with anybody. All attention to come to just them and no other.
No matter, how conscious you are, once you are in a serious relationship/married, your closeness with your mother drops to a level, or should I say, when you start growing up. Which is natural, but mothers always want their baby boy to remain 'baby', even if they don't realize, that is what their subconscious request is tending towards. So you need to privately seat your mum down and let her know that, you can't continue to be that mummy's boy everytime and she needs to know that you are married and if she loves you, she needs to sincerely love and tolerate your wife and start seeing her as her own daughter because now she is her daughter anyway.
At the same time, you need to also privately seat your wife down, and let her know that, thank God she gave birth to a son, she should treat your mother the way she will love her son's wife to treat her and tolerate her. She needs to start seeing your mother like her mother, If she will tolerate her own mother and let her have her way sometimes, she should do the same with your mother.
You can't allow them to put you in that situation for you to choose one of them, and don't pitch tent with any of the party even if they are correct. And let your ACTION be very clear you are not supporting anybody. At this point, you need to be the man and you need to get angry.
Then call a meeting with both of them to settle and show love and live together. YOU ARE THE COMMANDER HERE, IF YOU DON'T STAND YOUR GROUND, NOBODY WILL LISTEN TO YOU.
And of course, they will not agree, the next level is to threaten to cut loose from both of them till they decide to live as one family. And at worst you go and stay with a friend for the main time till both of them realize It's either they share "you" or nobody gets you.
You have known your mum before your wife came on board, AND THEN you have a new family now.
They both don't see themselves as family yet, and your diplomatic ways haven't been working, so it's time to switch gears.
The problem they are having are just three: Selfishness, Non-tolerant and Bad Ego.
take ur DANO milk and be strong...