This is my story
it'll be a long one, i dunno the end because i'm still living it and i'm a yung blood in my early twenties
i hope u enjoy.

* * * *

"He's obsessed" the elderly woman stated scornfully, casting me one of those nasty looks women,advanced in age or still in youth for generations have always and will always use to penetrate the souls of the male counterpart, the most malecious of looks, one to freeze any lad's balls over. I couldn't possibly fathom the motive of this wickedness, be it of disgust or derision i couldn't tell, either ways it was excessive.

"Is it normal?" the even older man sitted next to her said from behind his punch newspaper
"Personally i think it is spiritual" he added thoughtfully with the air of one who had just given a very wise verdict,albeit his face was still hidden with the entirety of the newspaper

i chuckled, trying hard not to LOL

"Hmmmmm Hmmmmm" she nodded slowly in agreement as though a great mystery had just been unfolded before her

I finally couldn't contain it any longer as i pealed with a ringing laughter; oh my,how my back hurt!
Nigerians sure as hell can be hilarious, why, even quiet dramatic; i did pretty well not to say that out loud.

"Why do u laugh" mi grande madre incquired, turning brusquely towards me, this time with a slight frown; a very kind gesture in comparison to that medusa stare
"you two amuse me ma'am, with ur ideas" i said barely supressing my laughter
"U and baba so readily leaped into conclusions that i've been jinxed, by whom exactly?"

"You're a fool" she said calmly, this time around with a sly smile, which was even more terrifying than that destructive look, a evil smile

"oh yes, a fool" she repeated immediately as my eyes began to glow in amazement
"what a stupid thing to say,u dare say that to us, there's no fear,
U? U? u dare mock us?
do u even realise who we are to u?
we're ur grandparents for crying out loud your grandparents!"

It would seem like i had spoken nothing offensive but coming from a typical yoruba nigerian family, my words were a venom of arrogance

With all of her fulminations one would imagine i had just said something as atrocious as "wrinkled old hag"
i wouldn't fancy the outcome if that was the case
Altogether i was left with no possible retort, so as not to say something that will compromise me furthermore

"Daddy" my grandmother yelled, now addressing the old man who since his rather ingenious observation was silently rumaggaging through his newspaper

"Did u hear what he said?" seeking a similar reaction from her lord, yes she calls her husband daddy, but best believe it is'nt of romantic submissiveness but of a kind of cultural submissivness [if there's any such thing] which has sort of turned to a trend amongs't aged couples in the country.

After about ten seconds of silence which i observed my grandmother found quiet uncomfortable through her fidgetting; yes just ten seconds, he finally replied her

"i did hear him, i read with my eyes, not with my ears" he said somewhat harshly, his voiced ruffled as
he was talking still behind his newspaper

i could hardly blame him as i was quiet audible in my supposed mockery of their ideas.

My grandmother in a burning conflagration of anger towards me, the subject of over half of her interminable fits of rage this days seemed to miss the sarcasm and disinterest in his tone, or perhaps she pretended to
she only seemed to expect an explosion similar to hers as the husband confirmed the affirmative to her question
Fortunately and annoyingly for both of us; i and my grandma respectively, no such occurance took place, for the old man is'nt a fan of noisy disturbances. Seeing her husband wasn't going to say anything more, she protested in barely suppressed vexation
"You heard him, so aren't u going to say anything?"

My grandfather, in other to do away with this inconvinience ASAP and more so to not incur on his genteel deameanour his wife's nagging wrath, lowered his newspaper just enough to reveal his aged face, u could tell it was that of a man once formidable, who has seen many.
Turning his head towards her he said slowly in a pacifying tone
"Calm down, calm down - you're not getting any younger, you're an elderly woman now, ignore the boy,u know he's an idiot, u should pay him little attention, just keep calm ehn, keep calm".

With some sort of smugness she muttered
"i'm trying, i'm trying, but this boy [pointing at me] just keeps frustrating me [the irony]

"But i've heard u sir, i would just watch him from now on" said she [the contrary took place in less than ten mins]

Being silent in my corner as i swallowed all the bashing like a pill i perceived that grandma seemed somewhat satisfied, i couldn't help to think it was because the old man called me an idiot if anything

"Good" her husband replied once again behind his newspaper [i wonder what was so intriguing].But then perhaps seein it was too short a retort he added quickly,almost needlessly
"Now boy apologise to ur grandmother"

That sentence which seemed rather harmless and wise was the inception of trouble
I had a weakness, and that was my ego, i would never apologise if i believed i did nothing wrong
i grew up with that personal dangerous principle
it didn't matter who i was dealing with
i could take the whole bashing without trouble, but to utter the words I'M SORRY
i would never, it is, i admit my greatest weakness, nonetheless i apologise when i think i'm wrong
but like most humans, we're always wrong when we're convinced we're not.

"No i cannot do that" i replied him in a very calm voice that exumed finality

"i cant apologise for doing nothin"

It was of my greatest regret to contradict the judgement of my grandpa but ego, and pride are domineering animals [if u have this beast within u, by all means conquer it]

My grandma suprised by my audacity glared at me with a wild look; her flabber absolutely gasted, as though i had said somethin blasphemous, but i was braced up for her fulminations or so i thought, the beast in me unleached!

"You - You POMPOUS animal" she fired at me angrily, her nose flared with rage

"Mama i'm no animal, and i wont apologise for doing nothing,what did i do?" i replied indignantly as i engaged her in an altercation, she attacking with insults and accusations, me protesting rebelliously, the noisest fracas a deux imaginable. i wonder how the old man survived the fuss.

I However was of no match for my grandmother, like almost all males in situations of this kind i was soon spent and exhausted,my defiance shortlived,
she annihilated me [how i deserved it]
i felt bad afterwards, if for nothing, for raising my voice back at her;my grandmother

I thought i had mastered the art of silent suffering, but my failure was epic, this moment of madness brought me nothin but shame

"I'm sorry " said i, well not out loud, in my mind

I so much wished to apologise but the beaten egoistic beast in me however wounded managed to talk me out of it.

I left for my room totally downcast, the fallen self activist.

"Nonsense" I heard her say behind me
"Proud child" being her finishing stroke.



* * * * * *


I returned to my cubicle in a rather low and subdued mood, hurt and drained both physically and psychologically, I furtively removed every clothing I donned, went to the bathroom and had a quick shower, I put on my briefs and jumped on my bedsheetless mattress; yes I have no bedsheet.

Ouchh! my back! I jumped, I actually jumped on this decrepit mattress, adding more hurt to my already wounded back; what a bad day this has been for me, I've had three ; yes three dire experiences for one day, the first of which happened this morning while I was out to get myself breakfast, it was half past 10PM not so early, as I have no job I tend to sleep and awake rather late, I was listening to music earphones on with Mrs Awesome; that is my mobile phone, you would wonder what kind of freak names his phone, even more, Mrs Awesome, well the freak is Mr Awesome, as I so like to call myself.

It happens I do not have a girlfriend like most of my mates and my ever loyal mobile has never for once let me down, I decided to anthropormorphorsize, thus making her my better half, temporarily though lest you imagine I'm Non compos Mentis

Mrs Awesome is an aged Tecno device, a far cry from Awesome, so don't u be deceived, and Mr Awesome; well I'm not a far cry from Awesome best believe I'm no Adonis. I was swaggering my way to Mrs somefun's store, nodding my head to Eminem's 2000 old school jam "Stan" when I noticed this choir girl from my church who's been making faces at me all year , Perhaps it's been the other way round, or even vice versa, but I'm certain there's been eyes contact here and there, albeit I never for once talked or even tried to talk to her out of my cowardly hypocrisy, for I happen to have this immaculate reputation in the worship place of which some person (God knows who) out of ignorance pushed the agenda, now I'm respected and acknowledged for being everything I'm not , like prude, very genteel (I am genteel, but not very) and disciplined (ohh boy, I'm not) .
Forced to live up to this ridiculously good reputation, I have denied myself a great deal of pleasure
This girl, she certainly is a rare one, I wouldn't mind compromising this deceptive rectitude for her cause
This girl, a woman of beauty, she possesses every virtue of womanliness.
She was standing outside Titi's pharmaceutical, the sixth or seventh shop after Mrs somefun's store, it appeared she was purchasing something, a Medicine perhaps.

As i was in a particularly good mood, almost delirious, the good music and not alcohol being the instigator, i ventured to accost her, this beautiful young lady
so confidently certain of our non verbal familiarity, i approached her with no trepidation whatsoever, with my swagger you would be convinced it was a rendezvous between us, unaquainted love birds
ohh how i was wrong!

So as not to appear a desperate monkey, i continued to walk, even though my first instinct was to run so i wouldn't miss her, i was still considerably a long way from her,but for her unique beauty and physique i wouldn't have recognised her

I began to close the gap, then suddenly she turned her head sideways, to the left, towards my direction, subconciously ofcourse as we all do when we're waiting to be attended to.
She saw me!
oh that sweet look!
she even recognised me, or maybe she didn't [ she turned away abruptly]
she did! that split second of recognition betrayed her pretty face
"i got u there" i thought

Sensing that i was close enough, i smiled at her, i did, like in romantic american movies - No reaction

then i waved at her, this time there was a reaction - she looked sideways, to her right
ohh! how insulting, she appeared to be looking for whom i was waving at.

Meanwhile, i walked past Mrs somefun's shop, towards this girl; i must confess still waving with that queer smile on my face, although slightly embarrassed by my failed efforts to get her attention, i had no intentions to retreat,i was quiet determined.
People on the street must have wondered if i had never seen a prettier lass; if anyone asked me at that moment i would have admitted shamelessly

Greatly convinced the young lady didn't realise it was i;"perhaps she hasn't seen me well" i thought, such optimism from a fool, i got even closer, believing she'll smile and brighten up her beautiful face in no time; how presumptous of me, for she looked at me as i approached just as indifferently, still i was unfazed; ohh ye fool,must thou fall?

So quickly i saw her leave the pharmacy, holding a white polythene bag in her left hand whilst pressing her own mobile in the other, walking slowly, perhaps intentionally, but still i had to hasten my steps to almost a trot just to cover ground

Finally i was two feets away, maybe, i dont know, but really close
i removed the earphone in my right ear as i called
"Hey Elizabeth"
smiling again like a fool, ohh i almost forgot, i learnt her name through some very cowardly means, so crude i would'nt disclose my shameful method

She turned around and assessed me for about five secs before she replied
"i'm sorry do i know you" she asked not too patiently
A slap in the face!
Yet i couldn't help but marvel at her voice, that soft and sultry voice of hers, with the sound of which one, well not one; which i could only imagine making different tones in an entirely different situation; ohh good lord,how rotten a man's mind can be!
This young lady in all her beauty possessed a even priettier voice
The voice of a Goddess.

Please forgive the digressions of this pervert
yes it was a slap in the face, and i was embarrassed, i would have preferred getting slapped; literally,at that moment by anyone [well not anyone] than go through this - painful humiliating denial
Clearly stung, i was about to explain we go to the same church and all but i had only said "we go" when she interrupted me as though she already knew the nonsense i was going to utter
"I do not know you sir, leave me alone"
ohh! what a great manipulator this woman, being addressed as sir by this delectable wench who is at most two years my junior was annoying; so annoying
it made me feel old; you understand, it made me feel like a -- like a paedophile, her sweet charming voice giving it [her manipulation] so much effect

Blessed as i am with extra-ordinary infuction, i immediately discerned trouble; not from the witch ofcourse, i hastily apologised as her last rant began to draw attention to where we stood, mean hungry eyes staring at me with suspicious looks

Knowing the country i grew up in, i had to "give myself brain" nobody wants to get mobbed for any reason whatsoever on a monday morning, least of all on a womans cause
this mobs have a history of being prejudiced on their account
"i'm sorry - i'm sorry" mutterred the cowardly Mr Awesome
that was it, a great blow, an absolutely lethal one to my magisterial ego.
I turned to leave in shame
Then something astounding happened.
Perhaps seeing that i,the most irreproachable brother in her church had finally succumbed to his vulnerability

"Mayowa" she called
i swear she called my name
i turned to see her smilin sheepishly
the suprise in my head apparent on my face
a look that said
"so you knew me all this while" but my lips couldn't find the words.The fool in me although very angry still felt some hapiness deep down
"at least she knows my name" the fool in me thought

Then she did somethin even more provoking, cheeky and annoyin, yet so sweet
she winked.yes she winked at me,ohh mother of manipulators!

i was exasperated, i stalked away without looking back, outraged that i, Mr Awesome could be toyed with in such a demeaning way

I resolved to have my revenge, what was her motive? i never wronged her, why, i never even talked to her before today, i pondered on as i strolled back to Mrs Somefun's store

I returned to my house with my cholesterols, i then began to strategise on my retributions as i gnawed ferociously.

The second tale of my rather inauspicious day happened thus;

After sleeping a great deal all through the afternoon [remember, i'm a jobless and rather indisciplined fellow] i woke up some minutes after 4PM, i was lucky cause i wasn't goin to miss playing football today at vice, our community football field [usually we start 5PM]
well football is the only thing in my life i have an actual devotion for, i happen to be a very good football player, perhaps "very good" is a slight exagerration but i belive i'm considerably good at the sport

Being a small,swift midfield player with a low centre of gravity [a decent way of sayin i'm short] i rarely ever fall to the ground
blessed as i am with this unreal balance,i also have the rare gift of ambidextrousity,i use both legs equally well,although dominantly rightfooted.
i love this game so much!

Can one blame me?
It is the greatest sport of all time, fortunately for me, i live in a community almost as madly in love with the sport as i am, almost, not quiet

I have a taste or perhaps considerable talent for a host of things, i could be dialetic and glib, naturally a delicate recquirement for any potential attorney, why also for investigative gendarmes. I am also rather bon vivant, yes i consider the fondness of good food an essential for any chef or an aspiring one, and lastly the favourite of my least favourite abilities, i am a good writer, i have a secret wish to perfect the art as shaekspare and maupassant

Putting all of my abilities in consideration, i have a even greater ambition, an ambition to be known across the globe, almost as well as Napoleon the great conqueror of europe or like Hitler the develish mastermind of the holocaust,not necessarily considering the evil malevolent exploits and deeds of the latter the despot, however evil, the mention of his name echoes in resounding vibration in every corner on the planet. I fancy that.
To be the known like soccer demi gods Cristiano Ronaldo the legendary No7 and Lionel Messi the diminutive atomic bomb.

Altogether i'm driven by one singular passion, one singular idea, one singular interest, one singular obsession
Yes u guessed right, Football.
it's what i enjoy doing the most
and as a wise man once said "try as much as possible to get paid for what u love doing and watch yourself thrive at ur job"
Those words are etched deep in my soul
My love for the sport is inexplicable, my goal and dream is to someday play football at professional level, if i successfully thread the path, then my ambitions of being a globally acknowledged name is a certainty.

I left for the football field at a quarter to five as is my daily ritual, after eating rice and stew, carrying across my neck my one armed bag in which always contains my blue and orange rubber boots, black ankle socks, fifty naira note [to buy pure water for myself and four other lucky worn out soldiers of the sport] and my mobile phone, Mrs Awesome, just about everything i recquire to be at the top of my game

Unlike in the morning, the atmosphere wasn't as bright and beautiful, it was actually dull and dusty
but one thing similar to my morning experience was that i was listening to music again whil'st on my short journey, the wireless bluetooth earphones pealing in my ears Madonna's La isla bonita to be precise, i assure u i'm not very old, neither am i a reincarnated dead person,no, i'm just a stan of old school music.

I was feeling quiet ecstatic (talk about de javu) for the football field is one of the only two places i feel no worries, no burden, only absolute joy, whil'st the other being ironically my friend Tijani's football view centre

I promply removed my earphones as i arrived the field and shoved them into my bag, i had barely gotten them off when i started hearing cheers, hails and summons
ohh i forgot to mention!
I am quiet popular.
My footballing prowess didn't go unnoticed in my community

The noise increased as people who didn't notice me before began to join in the chants and hails

My peers and even the much younger folks, everyone loves Mr Awesome, the typical locale champion
what a time to be alive.

AGU-ero!!!!!!
AGU-ero!!!!!!
AGU-ero!!!!!!
AGU-ero!!!!!!

The rapidly increasing crowd shouted repeatedly
and i assure thee, the argentine Manchester city striker wasn't present admist this rabble
Like i said earlier, there's a local champion in the hood, he also happens to be the local Aguero.

I smiled sheepishly as i --- i dare say i waved at my adorers, like the true local champion i am, thus prompting the Aguero chants to roar even louder

PS: I'm in no way similar to the real Aguero, football wise or even of any facial semblance whatsoever, except perhaps being short, but that is'nt why i have the monika, it's an entirely different tale and i doubt if it'll be of any consequence to this narrative

I however am not the mastermind behind this laughable falsehood i so locally portray in all possible awesomeness, albeit i enjoy every bit of attention that comes with it