Dear Nairalanders,
I had to open this new account Because I have friends here and family members.

Please kindly advice me on this. As I am so bitter and unhappy right now.

I have been married for close to mine years without a child. I have had two miscarriages and couldn't take in again and we tried IVF once which failed.

My husband has been patient and supportive and have been wadding off any form of interference and other than that we had a beautiful marriage and close friends even think we are a perfect couple.
My pain started some months back when our pastor called me for an urgent meeting. On reaching there I met my husband and pastor told me my husband has a confession to make.
My husband told me he had an affair with a lady for a year which he ended because he was feeling guilty. But the lady had a child for him from the relationship which he just got to know recently when she called to tell him. And baby mama has threatened bringing the child to the house if he doesn't meet her demands.

He begged me for forgiveness and so did our pastor. I was heartbroken but I forgave him and took him back.
Early this morning, he told me he wants my permission to become involved in the child's life and be a father to the child.
We own a joint account and our finances is usually.planned as we talk about what we use money for. He wants us to include the upkeep of his child in our budget for each month .

I feel batrayed,angry and bitter.
I told him i will give him an answer when I am done thinking about it.
But I am not happy and I also feel cheated.

How do I handle this please?
Married folks in the house please I need your advice on this.

Pls mod, front page.

Are u a christian? if yes, u need to move closer to God than ever. His all you need to get ur strength

like d yoruba adage " ori omo lon po mo waye" just take care d child like ur own nd b4 u kno it u will b dancing wit ur baby. just b strong!

My dear leave everything in God's hands and please stop doing joint account. Let your husband do whatever he wants to do, just go to God in prayers

merieam16:
Are u a christian? if yes, u need to move closer to God than ever. His all you need to get ur strength

I am just so bitter and angry that I can't even pray anymore.

DON'T BE BITTER FREE YOUR SELF OF ANY HATE AND BITTERNESS AND GOD WILL SEE YOUR FREE HEART AND FAVOUR YOU WITH YOUR OWN BABY'S, IF YOU WANT YOUR OWN CHILD LOVE THIS CHILD

Firstly, forgive your husband because he is human and quit the joint account ( who knows what he is planning to do with the money) take care of the child as your own. Be happy with your family and God will definitely answer your prayers soon.

Mavis3:


I am just so bitter and angry that I can't even pray anymore.

yea i undastand. its normal to feel that way, Buh trust me u dont need to give up on God really nt now nor ever

Is the baby mama willing to release the child? If yes, you can take up caring for the child as your own.

It's painful but you can't undo what has been done.

Focus on God, He is the only one who can give you the much needed will you need now.

Forgive your husband. Is the child in your home now? Will the baby mama be willing to give you guys full custody or what?
I honestly don't support including the upkeep in your joint account though. You should be willing to give out your money without compulsion.
Accept the child as yours, it paves way for your baby too.
Wishing you baby dust.

Forgive and allow him to be a father to the child, but you shouldn't have to pay for his actions. The financial responsibility should be on him.

Mavis3:


I am just so bitter and angry that I can't even pray anymore.

Your husband is EVIL. let's call a spade a spade. He is in a marriage union with you and yet dating another woman outside.

Trust me, this is a perfect plan. He intentionally got the lady pregnant due to your inability to conceive.

His next request will be to beg you to allow the lady to come live with you and then you have a co-wife.

Just prepare yourself for the worst.

My sister did IVF three times and they all failed. She did the fourth one and it worked.

If your husband truly loves you, he will not stab you with this type of action.

If you were my sister, my advice to you would be to leave the fucking marriage. It doesn't worth it.

THE MAN IS A USELESS THING.

This is paining me as much as it is paining you because my sisters have been in this type of situation and only God knows how bad I will feel if any of the husbands get a lady pregnant outside.

Things that involve giving birth can easily be sort out by couples due to advancement in technology.

No excuse for extramarital affairs. Once again, tell your husband I HATE HIM FOR BETRAYING YOUR MARITAL VOW.

This is sad
There isn't any excuse for cheating, because if the tables were turned, it wouldn't be accepted.
The deed is done, what's the way forward.

1. Acceptance :

You really have to accept what has happened deep down in your heart, its ok to feel sad, its ok and normal to feel betrayed, its ok to cry.
But, you have to accept what has happened has happened, nothing would change that.
The child is here, he needs to be responsible and look after the child.
Forgive him as well from the depth of your heart, I know its hard, but you need to bring yourself, not to hold it against him anymore.
Please accept the child.

2. Confirmation:

Your husband needs to confirm the child is his, investment in a child (emotionally and financially), isn't an easy task, it would be very heart breaking if he later finds out the child isn't his, after all the investments..Young ladies these days can be desperate and can go great lengths to use other people for their gains.A DNA test needs to be done.

3. Move Forward :

Since we have accepted the point above as a fact, and its confirmed that the baby is his, you need to move forward and not weigh yourself down .
Allow him take care of the child, think about the child and not the two adults who decided to engage in copulation.
The child is innocent in all of this, and needs to be take care of. Please let him, take care of the child, from a distance.

4. Prevent a Recurrence :

If he is given too much freedom to see the child's mother, be rest assured that there is a possibility of him cheating again, even against his own will.
Suggest a full adoption procedure, this prevents him from constantly having to see the child's mother, it may seem selfish to her, but you also have to protect your home.
Either way, and whatever is decided on, he needs to maintain as much distance as possible from her. They should never meet in private spaces, you could also tag along if he has to see the child, it may seem like being clingy, but it isn't.

5. Keep Praying & Seeking Medical Help :

Inability to conceive can be a mentally and emotionally challenging situation. I encourage you not to lose hope, keep praying, keep seeking medical solutions as well.
This isn't a time to be down, this is a time to put on your full armor, protect your home, protect your mind, ensure you give yourself peace.
Your worries could even prevent you from conceiving, conception can be a very complicated process that can be influenced by a wide array of external and internal factors.
God hasn't forsaken you, He wouldn't , stick with Him

I'm praying for you.

It's rather unfair imposing such on you. He should take care of his child with his own money.

[quote author=PuZZyNegro post=88131781]

Your husband is EVIL. let's call a spade a spade. He is in a marriage union with you and yet dating another woman outside.

Trust me, this is a perfect plan. He intentionally got the lady pregnant due to your inability to conceive.

His next request will be to beg you to allow the lady to come live with you and then you have a co-wife.

Just prepare yourself for the worst.

My sister did IVF three times and they all failed. She did the fourth one and it worked.

If your husband truly loves you, he will not stab you with this type of action.

If you were my sister, my advice to you would be to leave the fucking marriage. It doesn't worth it.

THE MAN IS A USELESS THING.

This is paining me as much as it is paining you because my sisters have been in this type of situation and only God knows how bad I will feel if any of the husbands get a lady pregnant outside.

Things that involve giving birth can easily be sort out by couples due to advancement in technology.

No excuse for extramarital affairs. Once again, tell your husband I HATE HIM FOR BETRAYING YOUR MARITAL VOW. [/quote
]

Seriously I feel very sad and have been unhappy since morning.
I feel I am being taken for granted.

mavis3 I have updated my response above, kindly go through it
You would be fine

Ishilove:
It's rather unfair imposing such on you. He should take care of his child with his own money.

Thank you for this. I feel the same way.The child is not part of my plan and I really don't see him as my responsibility but solely his and I don't think I can give my consent to that.

Thank you so much for this counsel. Kai accepting the child is so difficult for me. Thinking of him, her and the child gets me really upset. But you have spoken well and thank you again.
[

quote author=Donald3d post=88132010]This is sad
There isn't any excuse for cheating, because if the tables were turned, it wouldn't be accepted.
The deed is done, what's the way forward.

1. Acceptance :

You really have to accept what has happened deep down in your heart, its ok to feel sad, its ok and normal to feel betrayed, its ok to cry.
But, you have to accept what has happened has happened, nothing would change that.
The child is here, he needs to be responsible and look after the child.
Forgive him as well from the depth of your heart, I know its hard, but you need to bring yourself, not to hold it against him anymore.
Please accept the child.

2. Confirmation:

Your husband needs to confirm the child is his, investment in a child (emotionally and financially), isn't an easy task, it would be very heart breaking if he later finds out the child isn't his, after all the investments..Young ladies these days can be desperate and can go great lengths to use other people for their gains.A DNA test needs to be done.

3. Move Forward :

Since we have accepted the point above as a fact, and its confirmed that the baby is his, you need to move forward and not weigh yourself down .
Allow him take care of the child, think about the child and not the two adults who decided to engage in copulation.
The child is innocent in all of this, and needs to be take care of. Please let him, take care of the child, from a distance.

4. Prevent a Recurrence :

If he is given too much freedom to see the child's mother, be rest assured that there is a possibility of him cheating again, even against his own will.
Suggest a full adoption procedure, this prevents him from constantly having to see the child's mother, it may seem selfish to her, but you also have to protect your home.
Either way, and whatever is decided on, he needs to maintain as much distance as possible from her. They should never meet in private spaces, you could also tag along if he has to see the child, it may seem like being clingy, but it isn't.

5. Keep Praying & Seeking Medical Help :

Inability to conceive can be a mentally and emotionally challenging situation. I encourage you not to lose hope, keep praying, keep seeking medical solutions as well.
This isn't a time to be down, this is a time to put on your full armor, protect your home, protect your mind, ensure you give yourself peace.
Your worries could even prevent you from conceiving, conception can be a very complicated process that can be influenced by a wide array of external and internal factors.
God hasn't forsaken you, He wouldn't , stick with Him

I'm praying for you.

[/quote]

Quit that joint account.
He should use his personal funds to pay for the childs needs. He wants to share the financial responsibility with you??

Mavis3:



Thank you for this. I feel the same way.The child is not part of my plan and I really don't see him as my responsibility but solely his and I don't think I can give my consent to that.

This may sound selfish, but what if it was your child ?
As long as you choose to keep the marriage, the child would always be part of almost every decision .
It may sound harsh, but the earlier you accept what is going on the better.

I am really worried about your mental state, in all of this.
You need to ensure you have peace of mind, and not worry yourself .
Reality sometimes is hard to accept, but this is the reality.

Donald3d:


This may sound selfish, but what if it was your child ?
As long as you choose to keep the marriage, the child would always be part of almost every decision .
It may sound harsh, but the earlier you accept what is going on the better.

I am really worried about your mental state, in all of this.
You need to ensure you have peace of mind, and not worry yourself .
Reality sometimes is hard to accept, but this is the reality.

You mean if she got pregnant outside marriage and brought the child in?

You know the answer right?

Mavis3:
Thank you so much for this counsel. Kai accepting the child is so difficult for me. Thinking of him, her and the child gets me really upset. But you have spoken well and thank you again.

Its normal for the acceptance to be difficult, its ok to be upset, you would be upset for some time .
But, as I always tell people, before any decision is taken, lay out all your cards, ask yourself what is truly important to you and what your priority is, it would make your decision easier.

It may seem like medicine after death, both you and your husband also have some ironing out to do, he also needs to restructure his mind, and ask himself what is really important to him, so there won't be a recurrent cheating scenario.

You both need to sit and really talk, ask him questions, you both need to pour out your hearts(in a non violent manner), trust me you would both feel relieved after, then discuss the way forward and most importantly where his loyalty and heart lies.

You would be fine.

Mavis3:
Dear Nairalanders,
I had to open this new account Because I have friends here and family members.

Please kindly advice me on this. As I am so bitter and unhappy right now.

I have been married for close to mine years without a child. I have had two miscarriages and couldn't take in again and we tried IVF once which failed.

My husband has been patient and supportive and have been wadding off any form of interference and other than that we had a beautiful marriage and close friends even think we are a perfect couple.
My pain started some months back when our pastor called me for an urgent meeting. On reaching there I met my husband and pastor told me my husband has a confession to make.
My husband told me he had an affair with a lady for a year which he ended because he was feeling guilty. But the lady had a child for him from the relationship which he just got to know recently when she called to tell him. And baby mama has threatened bringing the child to the house if he doesn't meet her demands.

He begged me for forgiveness and so did our pastor. I was heartbroken but I forgave him and took him back.
Early this morning, he told me he wants my permission to become involved in the child's life and be a father to the child.
We own a joint account and our finances is usually.planned as we talk about what we use money for. He wants us to include the upkeep of his child in our budget for each month .

I feel batrayed,angry and bitter.
I told him i will give him an answer when I am done thinking about it.
But I am not happy and I also feel cheated.

How do I handle this please?
Married folks in the house please I need your advice on this.

Pls mod, front page.

You see, no one prays for situations like this, who is the signatory to the account

He should as well open an account for the child and runs it the way he wants

One day he will beg you to accept the woman to start living with you guys

I suggest you start something doing on your name with your own share of the money, unless he permits you to use all

Lure him to follow you, let both of you go for adoption of a child and pls adopt a baby girl

My reason is that, that woman will not release that child to you guys, never she will rather wants to live with you people and you will be very hurtful about it

Tell him as you wait on the Lord, you want to adopt, in a polite manner, he will reason with you

Now my reason for you to adopt is because I don't want you to be lonely, so the child will be your companion incase he starts misbehaving

If along the line he wants to bring the woman in, tell him to rent a house for her else where because her presence will be hurting you

Use part of the money to adopt and pls gor for a girl child

Thank you .
The child is not in my home now, she only threatened to come and drop him. I don't think she wants
to give full custody.


[ quote author=nikkyshyne post=88131411]Forgive your husband. Is the child in your home now? Will the baby mama be willing to give you guys full custody or what?
I honestly don't support including the upkeep in your joint account though. You should be willing to give out your money without compulsion.
Accept the child as yours, it paves way for your baby too.
Wishing you baby dust. [/quote]

What some women goes through in marriage can be very hurtful yet the man involve will want her loyalty even at that

He must have been telling the woman his childless predicament

How am I even sure the child belongs to him

bukatyne:


You mean if she got pregnant outside marriage and brought the child in?

You know the answer right?

We can't be too sure what the answer would be.. I have heard of men who accepted their wives with a child of another man.

Ma'am, this thing called love and forgiveness knows no bound with some people.

Mavis3:
Dear Nairalanders,
I had to open this new account Because I have friends here and family members.

Please kindly advice me on this. As I am so bitter and unhappy right now.

I have been married for close to mine years without a child. I have had two miscarriages and couldn't take in again and we tried IVF once which failed.

My husband has been patient and supportive and have been wadding off any form of interference and other than that we had a beautiful marriage and close friends even think we are a perfect couple.
My pain started some months back when our pastor called me for an urgent meeting. On reaching there I met my husband and pastor told me my husband has a confession to make.
My husband told me he had an affair with a lady for a year which he ended because he was feeling guilty. But the lady had a child for him from the relationship which he just got to know recently when she called to tell him. And baby mama has threatened bringing the child to the house if he doesn't meet her demands.

He begged me for forgiveness and so did our pastor. I was heartbroken but I forgave him and took him back.
Early this morning, he told me he wants my permission to become involved in the child's life and be a father to the child.
We own a joint account and our finances is usually.planned as we talk about what we use money for. He wants us to include the upkeep of his child in our budget for each month .

I feel batrayed,angry and bitter.
I told him i will give him an answer when I am done thinking about it.
But I am not happy and I also feel cheated.

How do I handle this please?
Married folks in the house please I need your advice on this.

Pls mod, front page.

I don't think front page is a good idea.

I really sympathize with you, it is really really a tough place to be.

Somehow, the betrayal is worse because you are trying for kids.

Have you established without a doubt that you are solely the problem? If no, your husband needs to do tests on his sperm.

Next, a DNA test needs to be done on the child.

After establishing that the child is your husband's, realize that the dynamics of your marriage and child searching has changed.

You are now the only one trying to conceive.

Since you have decided to forgive him, you have to accept his child. Yes, he and his baby mama would always be entangled however, there is little you can do without it.

To curtail that thought, you can suggest the child comes to stay with you so that the interaction with the baby mama is minimal and controlled as she is the one coming to your house.

Also, I think you should stop the joint account or have only part of your earnings in it.

You need to start preparing for your children too.

Don't worry, they will come.

Updated:

You need to also find out why he cheated and ways to mitigate it going forward.

Do you have a past child or a dirty past?(sorry for the bluntness)

frozen70:


You see, no one prays for situations like this, who is the signatory to the account

He should as well open an account for the child and runs it the way he wants

One day he will beg you to accept the woman to start living with you guys

I suggest you start something doing on your name with your own share of the money, unless he permits you to use all

Lure him to follow you, let both of you go for adoption of a child and pls adopt a baby girl

My reason is that, that woman will not release that child to you guys, never she will rather wants to live with you people and you will be very hurtful about it

Tell him as you wait on the Lord, you want to adopt, in a polite manner, he will reason with you

Now my reason for you to adopt is because I don't want you to be lonely, so the child will be your companion incase he starts misbehaving

If along the line he wants to bring the woman in, tell him to rent a house for her else where because her presence will be hurting you

Use part of the money to adopt and pls gor for a girl child

@bold:

On point.

@Mavis3, please try to adopt a baby if you can.

Donald3d:


We can't be too sure what the answer would be.. I have heard of men who accepted their wives with a child of another man.

Ma'am, this thing called love and forgiveness knows no bound with some people.

Men have accepted their wives and live babies, YES.

However, it is insensitive to say she is selfish because she doesn't want to accept her husband's love child when she is desperately trying to have hers.

Let us put ourselves in the shoes of others.

Omoge, it is well.

Hmmm...at this point joint account isn't a good deal for you guys again as you now have divided responsibilities. Meanwhile, with about 3-5m you could get a surrogate to help carry your own babies too. That way, we can say you guys are raising kids together...as opposed to raising his own kid alone. Whew!

Both of us are signatories

You highlighted most of my worries.

Thank you for the advice, we were discussing adoption before this came up. I will intensify it now.



.

frozen70:


You see, no one prays for situations like this, who is the signatory to the account

He should as well open an account for the child and runs it the way he wants

One day he will beg you to accept the woman to start living with you guys

I suggest you start something doing on your name with your own share of the money, unless he permits you to use all

Lure him to follow you, let both of you go for adoption of a child and pls adopt a baby girl

My reason is that, that woman will not release that child to you guys, never she will rather wants to live with you people and you will be very hurtful about it

Tell him as you wait on the Lord, you want to adopt, in a polite manner, he will reason with you

Now my reason for you to adopt is because I don't want you to be lonely, so the child will be your companion incase he starts misbehaving

If along the line he wants to bring the woman in, tell him to rent a house for her else where because her presence will be hurting you

Use part of the money to adopt and pls gor for a girl child

bukatyne:


Men have accepted their wives and live babies, YES.

However, it is insensitive to say she is selfish because she doesn't want to accept her husband's love child when she is desperately trying to have hers.

Let us put ourselves in the shoes of others.

Ahh, abeg o I didn't say she is selfish, I said my suggestion may sound selfish, not her actions.
Abeg o, make dem no beat me for Nairaland