Mavis3:
Both of us are signatories

You highlighted most of my worries.

Thank you for the advice, we were discussing adoption before this came up. I will intensify it now.



.

Good to hear the adoption was a discussion before now

This time around, take it up with him and follow it to the later

Before the other lady starts brain washing him over you

Men are like wind they follow the wind direction in situations like this

So, no matter the level it takes, you have a child to console yourself

But try hard to be the good loving wife that you are so that he won't have any reason to turn his back on you

Men are really unpredictable

Donald3d:


Ahh, abeg o I didn't say she is selfish, I said my suggestion may sound selfish, not her actions.
Abeg o, make dem no beat me for Nairaland

I for say

Mavis3:
Thank you .
The child is not in my home now, she only threatened to come and drop him. I don't think she wants
to give full custody.


[ quote author=nikkyshyne post=88131411]Forgive your husband. Is the child in your home now? Will the baby mama be willing to give you guys full custody or what?
I honestly don't support including the upkeep in your joint account though. You should be willing to give out your money without compulsion.
Accept the child as yours, it paves way for your baby too.
Wishing you baby dust.

If you can raise some money, I'd advice you go for another section of IVF... I pray you will smile again this time around. I have nothing but prayer for you. As the Lord lives, may the peace of the Lord that passed all understanding abide with you now and always!please don't forget to open another thread with your testimony. Try and get the book 'supernatural childbirth'.

Haaaa nkan MBE.... Forget about the joint account.....

[quote author=Mavis3 post=88132495][/quote]

Sadly, it is what it is. Women are always at the receiving end when it comes to marriage.

If you were the one that got pregnant from another man, I am sure you would have been sent to your father's house with your luggages with immediate effect.

Now, people are advising that you forgive and accept the child to come live with you forgetting that the child will daily be reminding you of the betrayal by your husband.

If your heart is large enough, you can forgive.

If you have money, you can go for IVF again. It doesn't always work at the first try. That it failed the first time does not mean it will never work

Hmmmmmmmmm, our society put too much pressure on child bearing, when he was cheating he didn't remember pastor, now he is using pastor to ask for forgiveness. Sometimes I love deeper life and assemblies of God, your husband would have been given back chair. The type of marriage so called Christians enter into without the fear of God is alarming. He knew you guys were waiting yet he was busy sleeping around without condoms. I know you can't leave your marriage, I also know the useless baby mama will even want to be second wife. Please stop that joint account and start looking out for yourself. You see why I advise TTC women to go for adoption, how can you wait for 5years without adopting? If not for anything, you need to raise kids while you are young. As it is, just take it one day at a time.

merieam16:
Are u a christian? if yes, u need to move closer to God than ever. His all you need to get ur strength

She's asking a psychological question and not a spiritual question .. is everything about prayer?... The way some people think at times sha smhfy

My question for Op, how were you living out your single life before you got married?

Was it parties, Abuja today, Lagos tomorrow, Dubai next tomorrow?

You can choose the option of leaving your husband like Toke Makinwa did...when she found out her husband impregnated someone else, or you can pressurize your husband to pay for another IVF cycle for you.

If your eggs are still good, let the ivf clinic try day 5 rather than day 3.

It is time to separate finances.

Hell will freeze over the day I take responsibility for my husband’s love child.

Mavis3:
Dear Nairalanders,
I had to open this new account Because I have friends here and family members.

Please kindly advice me on this. As I am so bitter and unhappy right now.

I have been married for close to mine years without a child. I have had two miscarriages and couldn't take in again and we tried IVF once which failed.

My husband has been patient and supportive and have been wadding off any form of interference and other than that we had a beautiful marriage and close friends even think we are a perfect couple.
My pain started some months back when our pastor called me for an urgent meeting. On reaching there I met my husband and pastor told me my husband has a confession to make.
My husband told me he had an affair with a lady for a year which he ended because he was feeling guilty. But the lady had a child for him from the relationship which he just got to know recently when she called to tell him. And baby mama has threatened bringing the child to the house if he doesn't meet her demands.

He begged me for forgiveness and so did our pastor. I was heartbroken but I forgave him and took him back.
Early this morning, he told me he wants my permission to become involved in the child's life and be a father to the child.
We own a joint account and our finances is usually.planned as we talk about what we use money for. He wants us to include the upkeep of his child in our budget for each month .

I feel batrayed,angry and bitter.
I told him i will give him an answer when I am done thinking about it.
But I am not happy and I also feel cheated.

How do I handle this please?
Married folks in the house please I need your advice on this.

Pls mod, front page.

Because I like to prove my points with facts, I need you to reiterate to me what you meant when you said a man can't bring his lovechild to his matrimonial home like a woman does

Cc RisenPhoenix

Sixfeetbelle:


Because I like to prove my points with facts, I need you to reiterate to me what you meant when you said a man can't bring his lovechild to his matrimonial home like a woman does

Cc RisenPhoenix

Please rephrase your question.

Mavis I hope you know nothing is a misapprehension here.

Your husband got tired of waiting and decided to try his fortune outside.

Understand how he used your pastor (religion) to make you feel powerless.

I genuinely wonder why you want to stay in this marriage.
Can you make do with this level of betrayal?

What if you never get pregnant in such toxic environment?
Is this how you really want to live?
Don't have no pastor shut you up or make you do the things you cannot cope with.

Your husband is not even a trophy
Just one failed IVF and he yielded up?

Mavis3:


I am just so bitter and angry that I can't even pray anymore.

Somehow I feel your husband action is a script. However, I wish you all the strength in the difficult period, there's no easy way out.

His family is in on it.
He would go ahead to make a 2nd and 3rd baby with her.
No baby mama is threatening him, he knows what he is doing.
Get used to the fact that the woman is your Co wife.
He would pay for her bride price and tell you 10 years after.
He would say the woman refused to let him see the boy unless he marries her.
He would say she seduced him into the getting her pregnant again.
The earlier you remove love and other mushy emotions and make rational decisions that would help you move forward, the better for you.
Start by dissolving the joint account
By now, you should have even stopped contributing to the house expenses.
Since he wants to be a typical entitled randy naija husband with misplaced ego.
Give it back to him by letting him bear the cost of all your responsibilities.
If he has enough time to get a woman pregnant, he has enough time to make more money

PS: This is the best time to make your demands, and share your assets with him. Now that he is still feeling guilty and pussy footing around the issue. He would be quick to do whatever yob you say to appease you.
Act fast before his family get involved and embolden him, else you are leaving the marriage with nothing.

A very hard and painful situation. Look beyond your pain and allow him take care of the child.

Be kind to the child and even the woman (very hard I know).

It will do two things. One, save you from bitterness and anger which poisons only you. Secondly it will connect you to the grace of fruitfulness which you don't have.
If you do these things, you will conceive and give birth so quickly you will not believe it.
I guarantee you this in the Name of the Most High.

If you can find time, download and listen to the message "Commanding Results" by Apostle Joshua Selman. Do this I beg you.

Brazenbabe:
His family is in on it.
He would go ahead to make a 2nd and 3rd baby with her.
No baby mama is threatening him, he knows what he is doing.
Get used to the fact that the woman is your Co wife.
He would pay for her bride price and tell you 10 years after.
He would say the woman refused to let him see the boy unless he marries her.
He would say she seduced him into the getting her pregnant again.
The earlier you remove love and other mushy emotions and make rational decisions that would help you move forward, the better for you.
Start by dissolving the joint account
By now, you should have even stopped contributing to the house expenses.
Since he wants to be a typical entitled randy naija husband with misplaced ego.
Give it back to him by letting him bear the cost of all your responsibilities.
If he has enough time to get a woman pregnant, he has enough time to make more money

PS: This is the best time to make your demands, and share your assets with him. Now that he is still feeling guilty and pussy footing around the issue. He would be quick to do whatever yob you say to appease you.
Act fast before his family get involved and embolden him, else you are leaving the marriage with nothing.

Just Negodu. This one is always bitter. You need deliverance.

[quote author=Mavis3 post=88132495][/quote]
Don't use your money to train up another woman's child.

Mavis3:


I am just so bitter and angry that I can't even pray anymore.

Hi dear, the truth is you have no option but to keep on praying, having hope, faith, and being joyful singing praises to God always, while earnestly waiting for answers to your prayers.

Unless you want to get a child from baby factories, bath with black soap and sponge, sleep with another man to try your luck, steal a newborn baby after pretending you're pregnant or get a divorce.

What I'm trying to say is you have to try and pray without ceasing. Because your hope is in the Lord. Ask for strength and God will renew your strength. Be strong.

As for the joint account, it's time to have a personal account. If your husband can betray your trust the way he did, of what use is a joint account?

Do you think that is all what a single woman's life is all about? Parties, Abuja, Lagos and Dubai? Some people thinking funny Sha

ProtectMyMoney:
My question for Op, how were you living out your single life before you got married?

Was it parties, Abuja today, Lagos tomorrow, Dubai next tomorrow?

You can choose the option of leaving your husband like Toke Makinwa did...when she found out her husband impregnated someone else, or you can pressurize your husband to pay for another IVF cycle for you.

If your eggs are still good, let the ivf clinic try day 5 rather than day 3.

Mavis3:
Dear Nairalanders,
I had to open this new account Because I have friends here and family members.

Please kindly advice me on this. As I am so bitter and unhappy right now.

I have been married for close to mine years without a child. I have had two miscarriages and couldn't take in again and we tried IVF once which failed.

My husband has been patient and supportive and have been wadding off any form of interference and other than that we had a beautiful marriage and close friends even think we are a perfect couple.
My pain started some months back when our pastor called me for an urgent meeting. On reaching there I met my husband and pastor told me my husband has a confession to make.
My husband told me he had an affair with a lady for a year which he ended because he was feeling guilty. But the lady had a child for him from the relationship which he just got to know recently when she called to tell him. And baby mama has threatened bringing the child to the house if he doesn't meet her demands.

He begged me for forgiveness and so did our pastor. I was heartbroken but I forgave him and took him back.
Early this morning, he told me he wants my permission to become involved in the child's life and be a father to the child.
We own a joint account and our finances is usually.planned as we talk about what we use money for. He wants us to include the upkeep of his child in our budget for each month .

I feel batrayed,angry and bitter.
I told him i will give him an answer when I am done thinking about it.
But I am not happy and I also feel cheated.

How do I handle this please?
Married folks in the house please I need your advice on this.

Pls mod, front page.

A lot is going to change. A child is involved and soon his family may get involved.Be prepared and pray for God's intervention and wisdom. It is well with you.

Hmmmmm. People have suggested all you mentioned to me but I never wanted to get myself involved in dubious or diabolic way of getting pregnant and to live with the guilt all my life knowing how the baby came about.

He asked me this morning if I have thought through what he told me yesterday. I said I am still thinking about it but I have also been thinking about having separates account once the lockdown is over. And when we do that, we will now discuss how the upkeep of his child will be.
He said but we decided on a joint account before we got married and it has been working for us. I told him just like we took a vow of for better or worse and I can see how that is working for us now.

That's what I told him this morning. I have never spoken to my husband in the manner I spoke to him this morning and surprisingly I don't feel bad at all.

Nooil:


Hi dear, the truth is you have no option but to keep on praying, having hope, faith, and being joyful singing praises to God always, while earnestly waiting for answers to your prayers.

Unless you want to get a child from baby factories, bath with black soap and sponge, sleep with another man to try your luck, steal a newborn baby after pretending you're pregnant or get a divorce.

What I'm trying to say is you have to try and pray without ceasing. Because your hope is in the Lord. Ask for strength and God will renew your strength. Be strong.

As for the joint account, it's time to have a personal account. If your husband can betray your trust the way he did, of what use is a joint account?

Gift7428:
Mavis I hope you know nothing is a misapprehension here.

Your husband got tired of waiting and decided to try his fortune outside.

Understand how he used your pastor (religion) to make you feel powerless.

I genuinely wonder why you want to stay in this marriage.
Can you make do with this level of betrayal?

What if you never get pregnant in such toxic environment?
Is this how you really want to live?
Don't have no pastor shut you up or make you do the things you cannot cope with.

Your husband is not even a trophy
Just one failed IVF and he yielded up?

The betrayal and infidelity is just too much

Please do what ever makes you happy.

Thank you . My anger and bitterness towards him is enormous now. I feel he faked the begging and the I am sorry stuff initially. Or why will he just come up now about taking care of his child. He deliberately exposed me to HIV/AIDS and other STIs. And even demonic soul ties because I don't know the number of men his baby mama was sleeping with plus him. Exchanging someone's destiny anyhow .
I keep going for test every month since he told me this just to check my status and it is not easy on me. I drag him along all the time to check his too and I don't repeat hospitals.

Knowing your partner freely cheated on you can be very painful especially when you are faithful.

Even in my sleep my head was full with different strategies to build more on me and start living for me.

I no go come die walahi.

Graxie:
Hmmmmmmmmm, our society put too much pressure on child bearing, when he was cheating he didn't remember pastor, now he is using pastor to ask for forgiveness. Sometimes I love deeper life and assemblies of God, your husband would have been given back chair. The type of marriage so called Christians enter into without the fear of God is alarming. He knew you guys were waiting yet he was busy sleeping around without condoms. I know you can't leave your marriage, I also know the useless baby mama will even want to be second wife. Please stop that joint account and start looking out for yourself. You see why I advise TTC women to go for adoption, how can you wait for 5years without adopting? If not for anything, you need to raise kids while you are young. As it is, just take it one day at a time.

Classic. Forgive a cheating husband and accept his love child.
See how the sky is not falling right now? And everything is relatively okay? Y’all keep the same energy when your wives bring their sides’ kids home.

At least here’s someone who’s not telling her she has no other options

Brazenbabe:
His family is in on it.
He would go ahead to make a 2nd and 3rd baby with her.
No baby mama is threatening him, he knows what he is doing.
Get used to the fact that the woman is your Co wife.
He would pay for her bride price and tell you 10 years after.
He would say the woman refused to let him see the boy unless he marries her.
He would say she seduced him into the getting her pregnant again.
The earlier you remove love and other mushy emotions and make rational decisions that would help you move forward, the better for you.
Start by dissolving the joint account
By now, you should have even stopped contributing to the house expenses.
Since he wants to be a typical entitled randy naija husband with misplaced ego.
Give it back to him by letting him bear the cost of all your responsibilities.
If he has enough time to get a woman pregnant, he has enough time to make more money

PS: This is the best time to make your demands, and share your assets with him. Now that he is still feeling guilty and pussy footing around the issue. He would be quick to do whatever yob you say to appease you.
Act fast before his family get involved and embolden him, else you are leaving the marriage with nothing.

Lmao

ThothHermes:
A very hard and painful situation. Look beyond your pain and allow him take care of the child.

Be kind to the child and even the woman (very hard I know).

It will do two things. One, save you from bitterness and anger which poisons only you. Secondly it will connect you to the grace of fruitfulness which you don't have.
If you do these things, you will conceive and give birth so quickly you will not believe it.
I guarantee you this in the Name of the Most High.

If you can find time, download and listen to the message "Commanding Results" by Apostle Joshua Selman. Do this I beg you.

Mavis3:
Hmmmmm. People have suggested all you mentioned to me but I never wanted to get myself involved in dubious or diabolic way of getting pregnant and to live with the guilt all my life knowing how the baby came about.

He asked me this morning if I have thought through what he told me yesterday. I said I am still thinking about it but I have also been thinking about having separates account once the lockdown is over. And when we do that, we will now discuss how the upkeep of his child will be.
He said but we decided on a joint account before we got married and it has been working for us. I told him just like we took a vow of for better or worse and I can see how that is working for us now.

That's what I told him this morning. I have never spoken to my husband in the manner I spoke to him this morning and surprisingly I don't feel bad at all.

And you shouldn't feel bad at all. He broke the trust, and he should spend time fixing it and not trying to demand something from you too soon.

He should even be asking for your permission to open another account for his illegitimate child so he won't take further advantage of you.

Dear, before moving forward, you need to look at your husband in the eyes and ask him questions about what the future holds.

Don't sweep things under the rug because he will take you for granted and do whatever he wishes.

Think about asking him these questions, and watch his countenance when he answers them.



Why do you think it's normal to use our joint account for this child?

Why didn't you use a condom with this lady? Were you planning to get a child outside this marriage?

When is the lady moving into the house? (Don't ask him if he is going to eventually bring the lady into the house. Ask him like you already know its what he is planning to do. His answer and facial expression might give you more details about his future plans)

When are we going for our next IVF? (If he wants a joint account to take care of his child, then you deserve as many IVFs as you please)

Can we fully adopt this baby? Like my name and yours on his birth certificate? (If you're going to train someone, you should as well get full ownership)

How long do you want this marriage to last? (Just checking if he hasn't made up his mind to bring in another woman)

Ensure you keep a straight face without emotions when asking the questions. Also, use a calm voice, avoid arguments of all kinds. Stick to the questions, no need for deviating matters.

You need to know the future of your marriage. Don't let anyone think they are going to box you into a corner where you become helpless and agree to all their requests.

You can still have a baby. Just ensure you stay happy. Fill your phone with uplifting Christian songs that uplift your spirit when you're down. Being bitter won't do a single thing.

Get close to children. Volunteer to work in the Sunday school at church. Buy gifts for children, even the illegitimate child. Love children, and you'll be blessed with as many as you desire.

Thank you. When I got to hear about the child and the other woman and I was seriously down emotionally, his Aunty told me that it's a painful situation but they can't just ignore their blood. That I should try and get to know the lady and see how we can bond for the sake of the child. I told her I will never stoop that low to do that. Last month,same Aunty invited me over for the weekend cos we stay in same town, and she told me that she will be happy if I can just put my emotions aside and be reasonable about the child. That my husband should be responsible for the child's upkeep and he can only do that if I cooperate. I told her the child is not mine, so I should not be dragged into any decision that has to do with the child.

The above happened last month.

So I am actually not just going to sit and wait for anything to take me by surprise. I didn't have a sound sleep last night, but it was thoughts of how to move forward and readjust that was in my head.

Once we get our salaries for the month, we transfer into the joint account.

But i have decided that mine will remain in my salary account from this month.
I have hinted him this morning about having separates account and I intend to work on that.

Brazenbabe:
His family is in on it.
He would go ahead to make a 2nd and 3rd baby with her.
No baby mama is threatening him, he knows what he is doing.
Get used to the fact that the woman is your Co wife.
He would pay for her bride price and tell you 10 years after.
He would say the woman refused to let him see the boy unless he marries her.
He would say she seduced him into the getting her pregnant again.
The earlier you remove love and other mushy emotions and make rational decisions that would help you move forward, the better for you.
Start by dissolving the joint account
By now, you should have even stopped contributing to the house expenses.
Since he wants to be a typical entitled randy naija husband with misplaced ego.
Give it back to him by letting him bear the cost of all your responsibilities.
If he has enough time to get a woman pregnant, he has enough time to make more money

PS: This is the best time to make your demands, and share your assets with him. Now that he is still feeling guilty and pussy footing around the issue. He would be quick to do whatever yob you say to appease you.
Act fast before his family get involved and embolden him, else you are leaving the marriage with nothing.

Thank you so much Nooil. I really appreciate your input and everyone here. I will do as you have said because I really need answers too.

Nooil:


And you shouldn't feel bad at all. He broke the trust, and he should spend time fixing it and not trying to demand something from you too soon.

He should even be asking for your permission to open another account for his illegitimate child so he won't take further advantage of you.

Dear, before moving forward, you need to look at your husband in the eyes and ask him questions about what the future holds.

Don't sweep things under the rug because he will take you for granted and do whatever he wishes.

Think about asking him these questions, and watch his countenance when he answers them.



Why do you think it's normal to use our joint account for this child?

Why didn't you use a condom with this lady? Were you planning to get a child outside this marriage?

When is the lady moving into the house? (Don't ask him if he is going to eventually bring the lady into the house. Ask him like you already know its what he is planning to do. His answer and facial expression might give you more details about his future plans)

When are we going for our next IVF? (If he wants a joint account to take care of his child, then you deserve as many IVFs as you please)

Can we fully adopt this baby? Like my name and yours on his birth certificate? (If you're going to train someone, you should as well get full ownership)

How long do you want this marriage to last? (Just checking if he hasn't made up his mind to bring in another woman)

Ensure you keep a straight face without emotions when asking the questions. Also, use a calm voice, avoid arguments of all kinds. Stick to the questions, no need for deviating matters.

You need to know the future of your marriage. Don't let anyone think they are going to box you into a corner where you become helpless and agree to all their requests.

You can still have a baby. Just ensure you stay happy. Fill your phone with uplifting Christian songs that uplift your spirit when you're down. Being bitter won't do a single thing.

Get close to children. Volunteer to work in the Sunday school at church. Buy gifts for children, even the illegitimate child. Love children, and you'll be blessed with as many as you desire.

Mavis3:
Thank you so much Nooil. I really appreciate your input and everyone here. I will do as you have said because I really need answers too.

You're welcome dear. And I pray you get all your happiness and confidence back. God bless you.

Also, if by chance he is able to convince you to use the joint account for raising his child, (probably you agree for peace to reign) ensure he is also agreeing that you'll use the joint account to adopt a child and go for as many IVFs and fertility treatment as you want.

Ensure everything is on paper so someone doesn't come and deny tomorrow.

Mavis3:
Dear Nairalanders,
I had to open this new account Because I have friends here and family members.

Please kindly advice me on this. As I am so bitter and unhappy right now.

I have been married for close to mine years without a child. I have had two miscarriages and couldn't take in again and we tried IVF once which failed.

My husband has been patient and supportive and have been wadding off any form of interference and other than that we had a beautiful marriage and close friends even think we are a perfect couple.
My pain started some months back when our pastor called me for an urgent meeting. On reaching there I met my husband and pastor told me my husband has a confession to make.
My husband told me he had an affair with a lady for a year which he ended because he was feeling guilty. But the lady had a child for him from the relationship which he just got to know recently when she called to tell him. And baby mama has threatened bringing the child to the house if he doesn't meet her demands.

He begged me for forgiveness and so did our pastor. I was heartbroken but I forgave him and took him back.
Early this morning, he told me he wants my permission to become involved in the child's life and be a father to the child.
We own a joint account and our finances is usually.planned as we talk about what we use money for. He wants us to include the upkeep of his child in our budget for each month .

I feel batrayed,angry and bitter.
I told him i will give him an answer when I am done thinking about it.
But I am not happy and I also feel cheated.

How do I handle this please?
Married folks in the house please I need your advice on this.

Pls mod, front page.

Since you are still bitter, pained and talking about this you have not forgiven your husband you just felt pressured to forgive him per religious grounds.
You are not happy and if you are not happy for your own sanity you have every right to leave him if you want
Don't use your money to train that child it is your husband's responsibility alone.Be rational save up for yourself and stop thinking about a man who stopped thinking about you when you needed him most.You may never be able to love that child because of your husband's betrayal.
Get a separate account don't add your money to that joint account again infact dissolve the account.

There is a crack in your marriage and your husband caused it by having a child outside when you have none,your husband can play to the tune of the babymama and his family may use this opportunity to kick you out.
Your husband is a selfish man be selfish like him so put yourself first and don't let him pressure you into doing what you don't want to do.

Mavis3:
Hmmmmm. People have suggested all you mentioned to me but I never wanted to get myself involved in dubious or diabolic way of getting pregnant and to live with the guilt all my life knowing how the baby came about.

He asked me this morning if I have thought through what he told me yesterday. I said I am still thinking about it but I have also been thinking about having separates account once the lockdown is over. And when we do that, we will now discuss how the upkeep of his child will be.
He said but we decided on a joint account before we got married and it has been working for us. I told him just like we took a vow of for better or worse and I can see how that is working for us now.

That's what I told him this morning. I have never spoken to my husband in the manner I spoke to him this morning and surprisingly I don't feel bad at all.

No matter the pressure, don't go diabolical or do something shady because of desperation.

Don't!

Don't do what would make you regret tomorrow.


@Bold:

Hmmmmm

Just have a separate purse.