These three women were roommates. One
night they all had all gone out on dates and all
came home at about the same time.
The first one said, "You know you've been on a
good date when you come home with your hair
all messed up."
The second one said, "No, you know you've
been on a good date when you come home
with your makeup all smeared."
The third one said nothin', but reached under
her skirt, removed her panties and threw them
against the wall, where they stuck.
She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"

Hilarious Little Big Boy Prayer


Mother told Hilarious Little Big Boy to go to bed
and do not forget to say his prayers and ask God
to make him a good boy. Hilarious little big boy
father passing by the bedroom, over-heard his
son praying. "make me a good boy if you can,
and if you can't, don't worry about it, 'cause I'm
having fun the way I am.

Baby From Heaven


Hilarious Big Boy's new baby brother was
screaming up a storm. He asked his parents,
"were we get my baby brother? The parents
said, "from heaven", Hilarious big boy says, "ow,
I can see why they threw him down here."

Real Bad News

This man walks in a bar and says to the
bartender, "Hey Joe, how about fixing me up
with 8 shots of whiskey and 8 bottles of beer?"
The Man says, "Well, my son has just come
home from college and I found out he's gay."
Joe says, "Man that's terrible," and gives the man
his whiskey and beer.
Two weeks go by and the same man goes to the
bar, He walks in and says, "Hey Joe, how about
fixing me up with 8 shots of whiskey and 8
bottles of beer?"
Joe says, "Well hell, what's the matter this
time?"
The man says, "Well my other boy just come
home from college and I found out that HE'S
gay."
Joe says, "Man, that's a damn shame," and fixes
him up with the beer and whiskey.
Three weeks go by and the man comes bursting
through the doors and says, "Joe, I want you to
fix me up with every f*cking drink you got in
the house!"
Joe says, "Geez, doesn't anyone in your family
love women?"
The man says, "Yeah, I just found out my wife
does, "

Dumb teacher. . . .

Teacher: How old are you on your last birthday?
Hilarious Little Big Boy: 5
Teacher: How old will you be on your next
birthday?
Hilarious Little Big Boy: 7
Teacher: That is impossibly dumb! How can that be?
Hilarious Little Big Boy: Today is my birthday
I'm 6 today! Now who's dumb?

Pronounce it please!


Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As
they were approaching Natchitoches, they
started arguing about the pronunciation of the
town. They argued back and forth until they
stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked
the "blonde" employee: "Before we order, could
you please settle an argument for us? Would
you please pronounce where we are at, VERY
SLOWLY?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and
said,
"Burrrrrrrr, Gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing". . . .

Height Problems


A lady had a height problem - she was TOO tall,
being excatly 2 meters tall. She hated the way
she had to duck to walk through a doorway, the
way she felt so uncomfortable in a car, So she
visited an expert. The expert said: "Go visit the
Dwarven Town. It's full of dwarfs. Find any
dwarf, and ask him if he'll marry you. Every time
a dwarf says 'no,' you grow 10 cm shorter!" The
lady did as she was told. She went to the
Dwarven Town, and found a dwarf, and asked if
he would marry her. He refused. She found
herself 10 cm shorter. She quickly repeated this
act another time on another dwarf. Now 180 cm
tall, she decided to ask one more dwarf then go
home. She boldly walked up to a dwarf and
asked if he would marry her. The dwarf replied:
"No, no, no, no, no, ! I don't want to marry a tall
person like you! You're too tall! No, no, no, no,
no!"

Daffynitions!


Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter:
A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl:
What a Italian bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney uh-lo'-nee:
Where some hemlines fall.

Bernadette urn'-a-det:
The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize ur'-gler-ize:
What a crook sees with.

Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers:
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse e-klips':
What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper i'-drop-ur:
A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes hee'-rhos:
What a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank left' bangk':
What the robber did when his bag was full of
loot.

Misty mis'-tee:
How golfers create divots.

Paradox par'-uh-doks:
Two physicians.

Parasites par'-uh-sites:
What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist farm'-uh-sist:
A helper on the farm.

Polarize po'-lur-ize:
What penguins see with, . . .

Zen Quotes

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do
not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do
not walk beside me, either; just fuc!< off and
leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with
a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're
going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's
the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be
replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
6. Always remember you're unique, just like
everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both
feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is
simply to serve as a warning to others.
9. It is far more impressive when others
discover your good qualities without your help.
10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try
missing a couple of car payments.
11. Before you criticize someone, you should
walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you
criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
their shoes.
12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not
for you.
13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat &
drink beer all day.
14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that
person again, it was probably worth it.
15. Don't squat with your spurs on.
17. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause
people.
18. Some days you are the bug, some days you
are the windshield.
19. The quickest way to double your money is to
fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
20. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side
and a dark side, and it holds the universe
together.

nyc ones,
u try

Words of wisdom

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my
hand.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse
gets the cheese
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made
of
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me
before we met
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible
ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have
obviously overlooked something.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some
people have
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
When everything's coming your way, you're in
the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having
enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays
off now.
The only substitute for good manners is fast
reflexes.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some
don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they
find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill
them.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy
her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked
into jet engines
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good
gravy
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard
enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37
States
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over
you.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as
little as they.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ,
24 hours in a day , 24 beers in a case ,
coincidence?
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a
horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind
gets pretty crowded.

Why, why, Tell me WHY?

WHY ? ,
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the
second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how
would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where
did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack?
What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean
the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance"
mean the same thing?
8. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball
game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are
made for sitting?
11. Why is it call "after dark" when it really is
"after light" ?
12. Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected" make
the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy'
opposites?
14. Why do 'overlook and 'oversee' mean
opposite things?
15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it
sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay
you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the
audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can
you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a
remote control when you know the batteries
are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and
garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we
clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the
bottle?

kudos tope lolz

Like the Zen most

the WHY? got me thinking real hard,
Nice work

I know