I am an American Black woman that has recently become involved with a Nigerian man (his father is Yoruba/mother is Igbo), but he identifies as Yoruba. Anyhow, we have been dating for about 3 weeks, and I truly like him. He is a very nice man, and does just about anything I ask him to. I would definitely not call him a pushover, but he does seem to aim to please. Part of me suspects that this is the "honeymoon phase" of the courtship because at some point he may not be so obliging. Still, I cannot help but to be flattered and like the way he treats me. He is intelligent, attractive, charming, affectionate and fun to be with. He is actually all that I could ask for or want in a man.

I was not looking to become involved with anyone as I was ending a complicated relationship with a childhood sweetheart. When I met him, it was pure chance that we crossed paths. He did not even really check me out when we first met until we started conversing, and found that I was interesting, and then we exchanged numbers. That first night, we talked for hours and I think I surprised him, pleasantly. The next day he called me up and asked me out, and we had a wonderful all day/all night date, and it was the best date I had been on. We have instantly connected and bonded in such a short time, and things are very emotionally intense between us already. I'm not trying to be foolish, but I could see myself falling in love with this man.

This whole experience is new and makes me a little nervous, with all these feelings I have running high, and just getting to know him. We have talked about marriage and children, in a what if scenario and I am curious and intrigued, at what life could be like with him. I proposed that we continue dating until the end of summer to see if this is serious, and then we should just go from there. He agreed.

However, there are some complications, like he is leaving the U.S. to go back to Nigeria next year. He is adamant about not living in the States, and seems particularly anti-American, which is understandable considering its abuses toward people of color here and abroad, and the many horrific and corrupt political entanglements it has with other countries. Anyhow, if this becomes more serious than it already has I am faced with leaving my home, my family and friends, my professional and artistic career and connections, and everything I know. I can't imagine not going with him if we are in love, and in my heart I already know I would not stay here, I would go with him. Yet, I don't want to be foolish, that is a huge move. I have always wanted to travel to Africa, but never imagined I would be faced with an opportunity to LIVE there. He wants me to go, I want to go, this should be easy, but this is something I have to really think about.

The second complication is that as he told me, he is a traditional man, and that he will take two wives. He told me straight up, which I appreciated, but still being raised in a Western dominated society, monogamy is all I know, and that is the standard I have accepted for myself in a relationship, even though many people cheat and lie anyway. I can definitely respect him for telling the truth, instead of hiding it from me. He told me this on our first date, and it did not daunt me enough to stop seeing him. But still the very American woman part of me knows I can be jealous and don't like the idea of sharing. Another part of me thinks I could rise above that pettiness and try for him, but I still have to think about ME. I might even be rushing too far ahead of myself, but I am attempting to use some logic.

I don't want to end up with regrets, and I don't want him to regret me. Our connection has been way too beautiful and harmonious to be wearied with worries and nagging now, I just want to make the right choice. I know I have some time right now, and I should just take my time to keep getting to know him, so I can assure myself that we are not each others' flavor and fling of the moment.

My other worries include my American-ness versus him being so in tune with his own culture. I know some things about his country, the culture and customs, but it is a totally different thing to be there, and immerse yourself in the every day life and language of the people. I don't want to be ill adjusted but he told me it would be hard for me in the first few years. I don't want to be ignorant, so I always ask him questions and ask him to teach me things. This is a lot for a man I just met three weeks ago, but from that first date I just trusted him without thought, and I don't trust anyone too quickly. I am so comfortable with him, and I want things to remain sweet between us like this, always. That sounds naive, I know, because all relationships have their challenges. I expect that.

Another thing that bothers me, is sometimes I feel his opinions on Black people in America are a little harsh, judgmental, and stereotypical, especially when it comes to American Black women. I never really thought of myself as American, until I started dating him, and he points out so many things that are worth considering, still I find myself having to show him not all things are negative and backwards with our people over here in America. He does not seem to have a very high opinion of American Black women, and I strike him as being different. He was very surprised to find out that at 31 I have no children, that I am independent, educated, cultured and very broad thinking. We talk about so many things, and I love that about him. But at the same time, I don't want to feel inferior. I cannot help that I am American born, but I can vastly improve through learning, traveling and experiencing other people and cultures.

Forgive me for rambling but I have a great deal of thoughts and concerns on this subject, and would appreciate any advice or insight.

Thank you.

@OP what exactly do you want us to do for you ? The choice is yours! He's put the cards on the table, take it or leave it.

Yorubas rock.

Yorubas are the best in Nigeria,

We are the most astute business-wise, politically, and academically.

We are aslo good sexually.

We also call Yoruba people Odua people.

We are generally nice.

Say hi to your fiancée for me. From one Yoruba to another.

Yorubaland is the safest in Nigeria.

Everyone likes us because we are peaceful people

We treat our women right.

Up Yoruba people of Odualand of SW Nigeria

Anyhoo, what is your point?

You probably won't listen to me, but please walk away now. Some women are not so lucky as to recognize the signs of a potential dead end relationshio. First, he is practically kissing your behind without even knowing you very well. To an African lady, this is normal, to an AA lady this means that he is soooo serious since AA men don't act this way. Second, him telling you that he will not live in the states is not an invitation for you to move to Nigeria with him. This is said because he wants you to realize that he isn't in this for the long haul so you don't become to upset when he disappears. Third, he tells you that he wants two wives, which is a translation that means he is already married and he will tell you later. Telling you this also serves the dual purpose of trying to scare you off from having a serious relationship. You are on the rebound, which explains you being so emotionally available. He is not being emotionally intense, he is just in the moment. He is saying all the right things to get what he wants out of you. (Which could be any number of things like money, sex, papers, ego boost). In case you were not aware, men do not always keep it real. When you leave a relationship you are wide open and it's easy to fall into the trap of caring too much. You seem to be transferring the trust you had for your ex unto this virtual stranger. Don't forget that the trust is built over a period of time and over many situations.

Honestly, it was not so much a question I'm looking to have answered, just some insight or advice outside my own. Sometimes it takes the hardcore opinions of others to really bring a situation into focus. There are things I might not even be thinking about (clearly) that I really should be considering. Thanks for the insight Nekai.

Looks like this relationship is a recipe for disaster. I say this cos you had be bending yourself to make it work and it's just too early to be thinking that far.

Why don't you just stick to the initial notion of sticking to the dating until the summer and see how things go.
Giving things time generally opens people's eyes to the other person they are trying to study.

Lastly, THINK WITH YOUR HEAD NOT YOUR MIND

Nekai:

[s]You probably won't listen to me, but please walk away now. Some women are not so lucky as to recognize the signs of a potential dead end relationshio. First, he is practically kissing your behind without even knowing you very well. To an African lady, this is normal, to an AA lady this means that he is soooo serious since AA men don't act this way. Second, him telling you that he will not live in the states is not an invitation for you to move to Nigeria with him. This is said because he wants you to realize that he isn't in this for the long haul so you don't become to upset when he disappears. Third, he tells you that he wants two wives, which is a translation that means he is already married and he will tell you later. Telling you this also serves the dual purpose of trying to scare you off from having a serious relationship. You are on the rebound, which explains you being so emotionally available. He is not being emotionally intense, he is just in the moment. He is saying all the right things to get what he wants out of you. (Which could be any number of things like money, sex, papers, ego boost). In case you were not aware, men do not always keep it real. When you leave a relationship you are wide open and it's easy to fall into the trap of caring too much. You seem to be transferring the trust you had for your ex unto this virtual stranger. Don't forget that the trust is built over a period of time and over many situations[/s].

Arrant Nonsense.

zstranger:

Arrant Nonsense.

Must you bemute this thread with your presence?

Nekai:

Must you[size=18pt] bemute[/size] this thread with your presence?

What is bemute, genius?

Jay and Inked, those are the OTHER thoughts I was having.  I was not exactly sure who in my personal circle to bounce this off of, because my sister-friends who have dated/and or been married to Nigerian men have so much to say that is NEGATIVE.  And I was going, damn, I cannot just judge the man by all my friends experiences.  I don't want to be silly and judge a group of men just based off their tribe or where they come from.  Just like I would not want to be judged for being an American Black woman.  But I am definitely thinking about everything, and as much as I like him, trust I have my own hesitations.   Thanks for the insights everyone.

It means "skipping into this thread and aimlessly quoting and crossing out my quote".
Happy now?

Isoke:

Jay and Inked, those are the OTHER thoughts I was having.  I was not exactly sure who in my personal circle to bounce this off of, because my sister-friends who have dated/and or been married to Nigerian men have so much to say that is NEGATIVE.  And I was going, damn, I cannot just judge the man by all my friends experiences.  I don't want to be silly and judge a group of men just based off their tribe or where they come from.  Just like I would not want to be judged for being an American Black woman.  But I am definitely thinking about everything, and as much as I like him, trust I have my own hesitations.   Thanks for the insights everyone.

Well, you are so right about not wanting to judge him cos i would have frankly frowned at you for doing such cos everyone is unique in own little world. The question that need answering by soul searching is, If the dude is right for you.

At the end of the day relationships only work when two different individuals have common goals and ready to work together for a good unity. No good there if either person is the one doing all the bending trying to make things work. We aren't Jesus christ so personality clash will almost occur down the road.

Take your time, understand him more and he might just be good as a friend rather than the ultimate

ope he dot force u 2 eat oil soup with him ?
No offence yoruba

Nekai:

It means "skipping into this thread and aimlessly quoting and crossing out[b] my[/b] quote".
Happy now?

hmmmm interesting.

FYI, most of your posts are senseless, spiteful and thoughtless.

Thats why I feel the urge to cross them out.

You are not even Nigerian and have nothing to do with Nigeria; yet, you want to be regarded as an authority on everything Nigerian.

:::SMH:::

Dont you have a job? A husband?  a baby-father? You are not getting any younger, you know? You are approaching menopause day-by-day, shouldnt you be more worried about that and the  heebiejeebies that come with menopause? Instead of mouthing off 'bemutely' on every thread that has to do with Nigerian men.

Anuofia your arse

@ Inked Definitely not judging him, just considering every angle. I'm just going to see what happens as we continue dating. Thanks.

@ Inked, I definitely will.

Great advice Inked and Jay bee! OP, you have your head on your shoulders. It's really good to consider all the angles when investing in a relationship. I'm waiting for the update at the end of the summer. Have fun and I wish you good luck as well!  

zstranger:

hmmmm interesting.

FYI, most of your posts are senseless, spiteful and thoughtless.

Thats why I feel the urge to cross them out.

You are not even Nigerian and have nothing to do with Nigeria; yet, you want to be regarded as an authority on everything Nigerian.

:::SMH:::

Dont you have a job? A husband?  a baby-father? You are not getting any younger, you know? You are approaching menopause day-by-day, shouldnt you be more worried about that and the  heebiejeebies that come with menopause? Instead of mouthing off 'bemutely' on every thread that has to do with Nigerian men.

Anuofia your arse

(Cowers in fear and takes her spiteful, senseless, thoughtless, non-nigerian, husbandless, jobless, heebiejeebie ridden, menopausal ass out of the thread)

Nekai:

Great advice Inked and Jay bee! OP, you have your head on your shoulders. It's really good to consider all the angles when investing in a relationship. I'm waiting for the update at the end of the summer. Have fun and I wish you good luck as well!

Wishing her well after all the "jagbajantis" you posted earlier?

Girls like you, knows how to spoil som1's mind with all your clueless "hear say" idea. Try judging one by principals, and not past Xpirience from whatever his fellow country citizen did in the past, you dig?

OP, the choice is all yours, if you ask me. How well you know som1, is how well you talk about him or her (just like you'r doin now). NOBODY would like to be with one that sucks his or her happiness away. The little time you'v spent with him was a great and pleasant momment, according to you. That is the kind of guy that so many women would like to have as their husbands. But, if you ask me, I would like you to give him more time to see if he is really the ROMEO to your JULLIET.

For him not wanting to live in America does not mean you should go to Nigeria finally with him (since you agreed with him in having a 2nd wife). NOT all men would tell you such truth and, NOT all women would like to be with a man with two wives but, since you agreed on the 3rd party (with good mind), then go ahead. If you feel like settling down in Nigeria with him, then fine! But, if you dont feel like, you can go there to visit him as he also will be visiting the U.S to see you. Left for you to decide tho! EVERYONE has his or her 'pros and cons' (includin YOU & Nekai a.k.a  'Mrs I too know') so, dont allow that to bother your mind about him, for he might be the right man for you, who knows? There are good and bad people everywhere so, just deal with problems the way YOU see it, and NOT thru "hear say!"

My advice?. . .ALLOW PATIENT TO PLAY A VITAL ROLE !!!

BS: People (Americans in particular) do talk $hit about Nigerians but, believe you me, till date, Im stil enjoying a favour from som1, all b'cos, I AM A NIGERIAN !!!

@zstranger
And you are the authority on every thing Nigerian? Coming here with Yorubas are the best. Please man don't start that rubbish here.

@Isoke
You sound like a really laid back person willing to go the extra mile. Here's what I think, you'll end up unhappy with this guy's life pattern. Not because he'll mistreat you exactly but he'll become a little different from what you now know.

No man who has two wives ever treats them the same. And no two wives living under the same roof are ever entirely happy. Moreso for you who's idea of happiness is encapsulated in one man one wife.

Aside the future, this man seems a little too opinionated on racial issues. Today's world is bit more cosmopolitan than a few decades ago. We are all learning to accept our differences. To find someone raising his voice just so, on such issues is not only disconcerting but may degenerate to a war of words which can only bring harm. While you may be accepting of this now but how will you deal with it once he starts crossing the line? By then he may have seen you as 'converted' to his view and will not take kindly to 'opposition' (opinionated people hardly do).

All in all do think very well and let the summer roll by before you make a decision ok?

^Agreed!

In the first 3 weeks of dating he reveals that he has no intention of staying in the US, he wants more than one wife, and he has judgemental and stereotypical views about black american women.

Within 3 weeks she is already thinking about marriage, moving to a country that she has never even seen, and being in a polygymous union, all for someone that has an open disdain for her cultural background.

If she had said that she met a nigerian guy and he seemed really nice and she wanted to see where it went in spite of hearing negative things from others, I would have told her not to judge him by othe people's experiences. That's not what we are talking about here. This isn't about nigerian men, this is about the OP's quick acceptance of a guy that is showing her upfront every reason why she shouldn't bank on a long term, stable happy relationship with him.

I just stated my opinion because I think it's a waste of time to consider the relationship going anywhere, but since she seems to be understanding of all the potential problems, and not blindly and madly in love, I don't see the harm in spending a few months getting to know him better. Just don't make any hasty decisions because if they don't turn out well, people like Ranoscky (aka supposed psychoanalyst  ) will be all over you, telling you how silly you were being to trust him.

I thank everyone who has supplied their sensible insight to me, but I find myself wanting to "defend" him a bit, because usually my intuition is pretty on point (oh I have made errors), but I don't get a false feeling from him. I think he is sincere enough. What I know about human beings is that we can mean everything we say and do in a moment, but we can definitely change over the course of time. We have talked more in depth than I have disclosed, and have been feeling each other out through some situations and discussions. I don't imagine any of this will be easy for me, relationship building usually is not. We both agree, we need to continue getting to know each other, so that we can both be certain there is a future for us at all.

Yes, there is the potential to fall in love, and I really, really, really like him, and yes I am considering a what if scenario if we become more deeply involved. I think that makes sense if two people are looking to potentially settle down. You might want to think about that, if you like a person enough. I am definitely not talking about packing my bags and marrying a man, who I still need to learn so much more about today, tomorrow or even 6 months from now. I'm going to see how we do over the summer and move from there. I don't want to write him off, before we even have a chance to try.

As for the polygamy thing, I am not so foreign to that being raised by a polygamous Father, and being in an Islamic community, where polygamous marriages are not uncommon. I have embraced monogamy as my ideal choice for a relationship, but that one has not always worked so well, maybe a polygamous one can despite my reservations. But for now I am getting to know the man, not picking out the wedding dress, lol.

I know I said he has some opinions that are harsh to me, but everything that comes out his mouth is not negative or racist. We both have some pretty strong views on race, nationalism, politics, class and social issues. On many issues and things we agree, and on some we are at variance. As it should be. I don't think an intelligent man like him would want a spineless clone for a woman, because if that were the case he would definitely not deal with me. I have been outspoken since the moment he met me, and it has not ruffled his feathers in the least, in fact he likes that I am outspoken, which truly did surprise me. lol.

From what I have observed he does not need me for money, for an ego boost (he is quite confident in his own self), or papers (he has been here six years, and has no desire to make the States his permanent home) and as for sex, well hell I don't think he has lacked that before meeting me either. If I'm his flavor of the moment, then that will be my foolishness, but at least it was fun while it lasted. That is my risk to take, and there is always risk involved when opening up to a new person, whether they are foreign or from the States. Right now I like him, we get along well, we have things in common despite our cultural differences. It helps that I am not entirely ignorant of where he comes from or who his people are.

I think we may have a chance, and maybe we don't, but only time will tell.

Your welcome! It seems the complications you stated earlier are not insurmountable.

No disrespect but your man sounds likea simp. I guess he's the new breed of Nigerian adult male I talked about in another thread.

@ Blood you are funny. Your assumption is wrong. My Nigerian man is no simp by any means. He's 100% soldier. But that is no concern of yours. Don't you have another pissing match to attend to? It's poor sport to mock a worthy man you have no concept of.

Isoke:

I thank everyone who has supplied their sensible insight to me, but I find myself wanting to "defend" him a bit, because usually my intuition is pretty on point (oh I have made errors), but I don't get a false feeling from him. I think he is sincere enough. What I know about human beings is that we can mean everything we say and do in a moment, but we can definitely change over the course of time. We have talked more in depth than I have disclosed, and have been feeling each other out through some situations and discussions. I don't imagine any of this will be easy for me, relationship building usually is not. We both agree, we need to continue getting to know each other, so that we can both be certain there is a future for us at all.

Yes, there is the potential to fall in love, and I really, really, really like him, and yes I am considering a what if scenario if we become more deeply involved. I think that makes sense if two people are looking to potentially settle down. You might want to think about that, if you like a person enough. I am definitely not talking about packing my bags and marrying a man, who I still need to learn so much more about today, tomorrow or even 6 months from now. I'm going to see how we do over the summer and move from there. I don't want to write him off, before we even have a chance to try.

As for the polygamy thing, I am not so foreign to that being raised by a polygamous Father, and being in an Islamic community, where polygamous marriages are not uncommon. I have embraced monogamy as my ideal choice for a relationship, but that one has not always worked so well, maybe a polygamous one can despite my reservations. But for now I am getting to know the man, not picking out the wedding dress, lol.

I know I said he has some opinions that are harsh to me, but everything that comes out his mouth is not negative or racist. We both have some pretty strong views on race, nationalism, politics, class and social issues. On many issues and things we agree, and on some we are at variance. As it should be. I don't think an intelligent man like him would want a spineless clone for a woman, because if that were the case he would definitely not deal with me. I have been outspoken since the moment he met me, and it has not ruffled his feathers in the least, in fact he likes that I am outspoken, which truly did surprise me. lol.

From what I have observed he does not need me for money, for an ego boost (he is quite confident in his own self), or papers (he has been here six years, and has no desire to make the States his permanent home) and as for sex, well hell I don't think he has lacked that before meeting me either. If I'm his flavor of the moment, then that will be my foolishness, but at least it was fun while it lasted. That is my risk to take, and there is always risk involved when opening up to a new person, whether they are foreign or from the States. Right now I like him, we get along well, we have things in common despite our cultural differences. It helps that I am not entirely ignorant of where he comes from or who his people are.

I think we may have a chance, and maybe we don't, but only time will tell.

Exactly!