Honestly we spoke about divorce and his exacts words were i either allow him take our son with him or i keep our son and he'll have no contact with the boy.
Clearly i would b stupid 2 allow him go with the biy because he had no means of taking care if himself how much more a child. Except he dumps d boy on his parents which i diapprove as i am capable of fending for our son.
And if i choose 2 keep iur son, he has said he has no desire 2 visit or see the boy in d event of a separation or divorce. I know my son will struggle with that because this is a child that regards his dad as hes best frnd. He spends alot of his time with his dad as i work. Besides i am a firm believer that every child, particularly male children need a father in their life, deadbeat or not.

keepingmum: Honestly we spoke about divorce and his exacts words were i either allow him take our son with him or i keep our son and he'll have no contact with the boy.
Clearly i would b stupid 2 allow him go with the biy because he had no means of taking care if himself how much more a child. Except he dumps d boy on his parents which i diapprove as i am capable of fending for our son.
And if i choose 2 keep iur son, he has said he has no desire 2 visit or see the boy in d event of a separation or divorce. I know my son will struggle with that because this is a child that regards his dad as hes best frnd. He spends alot of his time with his dad as i work. Besides i am a firm believer that every child, particularly male children need a father in their life, deadbeat or not.

Whoa u are in a tight spot.whatever u do dont leave ur son.as a mother the worst thing that can happen is for another woman to look after my son while i u r alive no other woman will care for your son the way u would.and if ur hubby truly love his son he wont stop visiting him if u guys get separated.also instead of getting divorce u can try legal separation as it will help you both realize whats truly important if that doesn't work then u can consider divorce.

Try a separation for a while and see what happens. Divorce is a difficult thing to endure. You can even get a better job and move without his permission. As it is now, you are paying for everything so you have a greater say in where the finances are going. Alternatively, tell him you can no longer afford the house you are living in without you getting a better job or he getting a job himself.
And that threat about not seeing his son is just to keep you in line. A typical Naija man? I can't imagine him giving up contact with his only son.
And I'm yet to understand why you have not reported the situation to both sides of the family. As far as I am concerned, ,marriage is a covenant as well as a partnership. If one party (whether male or female) refuse to play their part, then they are trying to doom their marriage and all efforts should be made to let that person see the light.

@Cnn - i reported the issue 2 his parents but his mother said i shld endure whilst his father said he shld rtn 2 9ja b4 "a woman starts 2 control him because shes d breadwinner". Forgettin dt their son refuses 2 get A job (not a profeSSIONAL job, just any job 2 help out wit d bills). Lest i forget, my SIL who was married 3 yrs, her hubby lost his job and within 10 mths, my inlaws went n took their daughter n her 2 kids back dt their daughter cannot suffer wit a man who cant look after his family yet wants 2 enjoy d comforts of marriage.
My immediate familybr aware n numerous times hv helped us financially wen i call but how long'll dt carry on 4?

keepingmum: @Cnn - i reported the issue 2 his parents but his mother said i shld endure whilst his father said he shld rtn 2 9ja b4 "a woman starts 2 control him because shes d breadwinner". Forgettin dt their son refuses 2 get A job (not a profeSSIONAL job, just any job 2 help out wit d bills). Lest i forget, my SIL who was married 3 yrs, her hubby lost his job and within 10 mths, my inlaws went n took their daughter n her 2 kids back dt their daughter cannot suffer wit a man who cant look after his family yet wants 2 enjoy d comforts of marriage.
My immediate familybr aware n numerous times hv helped us financially wen i call but how long'll dt carry on 4?

What a family u married into. bunch of hypocrites.pls do what make u happy . YOLO

keepingmum: @Cnn - i reported the issue 2 his parents but his mother said i shld endure whilst his father said he shld rtn 2 9ja b4 "a woman starts 2 control him because shes d breadwinner". Forgettin dt their son refuses 2 get A job (not a profeSSIONAL job, just any job 2 help out wit d bills). Lest i forget, my SIL who was married 3 yrs, her hubby lost his job and within 10 mths, my inlaws went n took their daughter n her 2 kids back dt their daughter cannot suffer wit a man who cant look after his family yet wants 2 enjoy d comforts of marriage.
My immediate familybr aware n numerous times hv helped us financially wen i call but how long'll dt carry on 4?

Endure ko, suffer ni? Meaning what? Oya, tell them that they should return their daughter to her husband's house and you might consider enduring. Look, this is not by force. You have over tried. The reason I'm saying you should try a separation is because divorce is a very very serious and final step. Move out or move him out, whatever suits your fancy. When he has to pay rent and feed himself, we'll see whether his family will help him cope.

@ op you better don't kill yourself the man thinks he has a personal homegrown slave.Why is he blackmailing you with the child?

I have an aunty in your shoes here in Nigeria much older than you who landed in the hospital because her husband is always in debt and she picks ALL the bills after a lot of patience and humility and waiting for him to grow up and over 15 yrs of marriage under their belt.He is above all jobs and is only interested in contracts.Nobody knows if any contract has sailed through because the money never shows up only the debts in millions. All he does is flenjure. As of now she has moved out with her kids nobody knows where she is living.

You can tell him you guys should consider the option of relocating back to Nigeria, he can come and check out the horizon and then you join him later when he has something to do. Then he comes back home to daddy and daddy will get tired of giving him pocket money coupled with the shame of coming back home with nothing (you know how Nigeria is with that). It goes two ways daddy and mommy get him something to do or he attempts to run home to you and this is where you put down your foot and say No darling i am coming to join you in Nigeria. Do not let fear of the unknown keep you from making hard decisions.

Meanwhile you have to become a sweet wife and not an enabler of his lazy attitude. Very hard to do right but looks to me like if you want to save yourself and your marriage you should be willing to practice the tough love while smiling and working towards your happiness independent of him and his acquired laziness.Nigeria is a good place to come and be with his people while he lives off them till further notice. You did not marry a child to take care of and nourish into old age you married a full grown man to face the future with and take care of yourselves. Women and men are not built the same way, they will preach to you but forget the verse where God said women are the weaker vessel, they will preach to you but forget the verse that said if a man will not take care of his family he is worse than an infidel.

On another thread where a man is sleeping around they will suddenly remember that men and women are not built the same way and every man must cheat or the woman has lost the initial glow she had when the man married her or its because she is a housewife and the husband no longer respects her as the job of bringing home the bacon is too heavy for him or she nags too much either way she must continue to tolerate and possibly die to keep and heal the society from divorce.Men that are by nature designed to be leaders at home and in the society are suddenly exempted from this role because of "famine" in UK. You wear the shoes don't let them kill you.

I honestly have no iota of pity left for you But I honestly wish you well @keeping mum

Asiwaju9ja: I'm almost an example of what you are trying to do. circumstances for divorce may be different. But I tell you d end result will be
the same. Was 4yrs when it happend. mum had to continue her life,dad travelled abroad for school. Went to live with grandma.
I was good in school, passed Fed.College warri entry exams(overall 2nd) but grandma could not pursue the admission.
had to go to a public school(Urhobo College). University was not it, cult, girls, ended up not graduating. I have been struggling ever since
with life. The products of my dad's marriage and my mum's marriage to other people are doing very well. Now I'm married with 2 beautiful girls
Moral of my life, There's nothing in the world that will make me leave my wife.

My dear you should work it out.

Seriously . . . .

Because you wasted your life, OP has to stay with a useless husband or her son will end up wasting his

As in, seriously

keepingmum: Honestly we spoke about divorce and his exacts words were i either allow him take our son with him or i keep our son and he'll have no contact with the boy.
Clearly i would b stupid 2 allow him go with the biy because he had no means of taking care if himself how much more a child. Except he dumps d boy on his parents which i diapprove as i am capable of fending for our son.
And if i choose 2 keep iur son, he has said he has no desire 2 visit or see the boy in d event of a separation or divorce. I know my son will struggle with that because this is a child that regards his dad as hes best frnd. He spends alot of his time with his dad as i work. Besides i am a firm believer that every child, particularly male children need a father in their life, deadbeat or not.

Okay let me get you clearly, you made this post over a year ago and till now you've not been able to decide what to do with your marriage. Seems to me you are not ready to do anything.

If you don't want to leave this man, why don't you stay on and find ways to make yourself happy. Why do you keep talking about a divirce you know you can never have the balls to follow through

I'd suggest you remove your mind completely from the divorce and look for better job to keep providing for your husband and your son. You can start seeing him as a live-in babysitter (since he spends time with your kid when you are at work) . . . . . He might be an expensive nanny but what will you do na? He's your 'husband'!

Ujujoan - i dont know if u r married or not and it really doesnt matter to me regardless as i am of d school of thought that u dont hv 2 be a mother 2 be able 2 bring up a child.
That said, when i poured my heart out on this forum last yr, i was truly at my wit ends and really was seeking advise and opinions fron people who hv been thru similar issues like me. I was afraid of d unknown, of what happens next.... I still am. However the consensus fron both the pro and anti sides were that i should give a trial separation which 2 me implies "stay married a little longer" or gv more time. Which is what i hv done. I am not one of those women that must hv a husband nor afraid of a divorce. I like 2 do whats right not just by me but by d people around ne. Dts how i was brought up n despite difficulty n hardship v faced in marriage, i hv d dilemna of my child's future in my hands.
I guess i just want 2 know dt i have tried everything i could b4 walking away.

^^ The years you spend being 'afraid' are the years you spend encouraging your husband to be lazy. Like you said, it doesn't matter if I'm married cos married or not, I reject the idea of a woman slaving away for an insensitive and lazy man. You are damn too young to be facing such hardship!

If in your trial seperation you are still scared of being alone, then (I'm sorry to break it to you) you are one of the 'i-must-be-married-women'!

For the records, your child's future is already a responsibility to you. Might I point out to you that you are raising a boy? What are you teaching him? That it's okay to be a lazy man as far as his wife can provide for him?

I can understand a struggling couple, where wife supports hubby while he studies or builds a business. But your case is diffrent. You husband is taking a lot of things for granted and as far as you remain in that marriage, it'll never change!

Infact, if by chance he makes money in future, you'll become the enemy!

I'm not a saying you MUST divorce him, but if you can't take matters into your hands and correct this dysfunctional r/ship you have with your husband, you'll always be unhappy in your marriage!

OP, you really need to give him a good break as has been suggested. Leaving separately will provide both of you the opportunity to put things in better perspective. Perhaps things will change thereafter. Continuing to live with him under the same circumstances will likely not change anything especially with the type of in-laws you've got. As the Yoruba adage goes "omo buruku se fe, ana buruku in ko se ni" - meaning you can manage a bad or somewhat irresponsible spouse but you dare not have bad or irresponsible in-laws. In your own case, it seems you have both your spouse and in-laws to be bad! So you really need the breathing space. My 50 kobo!

keepingmum:
Ujujoan - i dont know if u r married or not and it really doesnt matter to me regardless as i am of d school of thought that u dont hv 2 be a mother 2 be able 2 bring up a child.
That said, when i poured my heart out on this forum last yr, i was truly at my wit ends and really was seeking advise and opinions fron people who hv been thru similar issues like me. I was afraid of d unknown, of what happens next.... I still am. However the consensus fron both the pro and anti sides were that i should give a trial separation which 2 me implies "stay married a little longer" or gv more time. Which is what i hv done. I am not one of those women that must hv a husband nor afraid of a divorce. I like 2 do whats right not just by me but by d people around ne. Dts how i was brought up n despite difficulty n hardship v faced in marriage, i hv d dilemna of my child's future in my hands.
I guess i just want 2 know dt i have tried everything i could b4 walking away.

Seven (7) years ago, you brought this issue to the table of Nairaland for discuss nd ideas.

1. Your son was 7years now he should be 14years?

2. Your son is so attached to us father that you wonder what the effect of the divorce will do to your son.

3. Hubby refused to get a job.

4. Hubby was advised to return to Nigeria by his father to avoid being controlled by his wife.

5. You have lived as a single mum for 7years now.

Please can you share some experience about this journey. The ups ns down and the challenges, regrets and interesting part.
You Ex husband status now (married, working, or junkie)
This will also help some people (man and women) who wishes to tread the same part.

Thank you

musabayokanu:



Seven (7) years ago, you brought this issue to the table of Nairaland for discuss nd ideas.

1. Your son was 7years now he should be 14years?

2. Your son is so attached to us father that you wonder what the effect of the divorce will do to your son.

3. Hubby refused to get a job.

4. Hubby was advised to return to Nigeria by his father to avoid being controlled by his wife.

5. You have lived as a single mum for 7years now.

Please can you share some experience about this journey. The ups ns down and the challenges, regrets and interesting part.
You Ex husband status now (married, working, or junkie)
This will also help some people (man and women) who wishes to tread the same part.

Thank you

Perhaps its time to give closure to this topic.

Yes we separated and remained so for some time. Hubby did keep regular contact with our child.

I had the full support of my family ( he was disappointed my family supported my decision) he went for counselling after he realised i was serious on moving ahead with a divorce.

I attended the counselling session twice and stopped however he continued to....he wanted reconciliation and i was adamant until the issues i raised were resolved i wouldn't return. He got a job but i still stayed away. He got an even better job than mine and i returned as i made it clear i would only support the home and no longer do more than i should which was perhaps part of what led him to be laid back.

Neithet of us returned to 9ja although we have visited.

We have more children today. My inlaws respect me because they know with or without their son, i can stand on my 2 feet and give my kids and i a very good quality of life. Hubby also respects the kids and i and has continued to demonstrate that in his actions.

Perhaps if i had just remained without taking the step i took, things may have remained as they are.

I hope this puts an end to your trolling my comments on people's post and also gives an insight to whomever may be experiencing something similar.

The only regret i have is that i should havr made the move to separate earlier than i did, rather than "enduring and praying" because that absolutely did not work.

I am also pleased i did not return at thr first request for reconciliation or when he got the 1st low paid job : i know him, his qualifications and skills and know he is capable of getting and doing better and it paid off..

I really like this now, alot of all this new generation ladies need to actually know what they want in marriage n how to go about it.

Perhaps the move you made, made him to sit up. thats fine I'm sure if he seats back and think of the whole thing he will call you and say a big thanks you for the best you brought out of him.

keepingmum:


Perhaps its time to give closure to this topic.

Yes we separated and remained so for some time. Hubby did keep regular contact with our child.

I had the full support of my family ( he was disappointed my family supported my decision) he went for counselling after he realised i was serious on moving ahead with a divorce.

I attended the counselling session twice and stopped however he continued to....he wanted reconciliation and i was adamant until the issues i raised were resolved i wouldn't return. He got a job but i still stayed away. He got an even better job than mine and i returned as i made it clear i would only support the home and no longer do more than i should which was perhaps part of what led him to be laid back.

Neithet of us returned to 9ja although we have visited.

We have more children today. My inlaws respect me because they know with or without their son, i can stand on my 2 feet and give my kids and i a very good quality of life. Hubby also respects the kids and i and has continued to demonstrate that in his actions.

Perhaps if i had just remained without taking the step i took, things may have remained as they are.

I hope this puts an end to your trolling my comments on people's post and also gives an insight to whomever may be experiencing something similar.

The only regret i have is that i should havr made the move to separate earlier than i did, rather than "enduring and praying" because that absolutely did not work.

I am also pleased i did not return at thr first request for reconciliation or when he got the 1st low paid job : i know him, his qualifications and skills and know he is capable of getting and doing better and it paid off..

Wow what a wonderful end.

Wow...one of those stories with happy ending ...sounds like a movie...congrats ma'am...

Wow, you were courageous I'm really happy the way it all played out. Which women facing the same situation can learn from your story.