The problem has a lot to do with our culture. . . . Violence is highly encouraged in our houses, schools, places of work and the society at large, our society teaches us that violence is the only way to  solve our problems, punish and correct our subordinates. . . .Elder children in most homes are allowed to beat their younger siblings when ever they are wrong or offend them. . . . Teachers are allowed to beat their students for all offences, seniors students are allowed beat the junior students and treat them any how in most secondary schools, children and parents are allowed to beat their house helps etc. . . .Beating your subordinate is part of our culture and it is encouraged most of the time . . . .

I saw a man beating his wife publicly in Abuja like 2 years ago in front of his house, there was a police man standing close by and when the police man came the guy said and I quote " I no fit beat my wife again". . .The police man said " Oga na your wife" they guy said yes , after which the police man said "OK no beat her for public cos you dey also embarrass yourself". . .The man entered his car and left. . . .The woman went inside with other women that came to help her and that was how the show ended. . . .Wife battery is not a crime in naija. . . .

Above our culture that highly encourages violence against subordinates is what is responsible for that. . .Beating your wife is just like beating your younger sister to most men and many men don't see anything wrong with it, the women accept it as well because its part of the culture, they grew up with . . . .The sad fact is that the human beings will forever be violent. . . . .

I think it will only take a miracle. You are right about it being largely about the culture. I also strongly believe that this issue of abuse would not be such a problem if the women thmselves did not contribute to it. Nigerian women have to start taking responsibility for themselves. You cannot sit there and hope that he will change. You change. change your mindset that makes you think it is okay to sit there and pray while he is beating you until you are coughing up blood. Sometimes I feel very irritated when I hear these stories. I know of a woman here in the US married 20 years. She is so beautiful and if she is in a room you will not know she is there because she will sit in one corner so no one will know she is there. Her husband treats her like crap and she still stays there and suffers. How do her sons stand a chance in life. One of her kids has been suspended from different schools already. It breaks my heart. She has let that anger transfer to another generation. Women need to break the cycle. There are Nigerian women who are so downright ignorant that they will even be the ones criticising a woman who called the police on her abusive husband. I saw a man caution his wife when she said a woman was crazy because of how she dealt with her husband. He had to look at her and say "is it because you don't go through that" that she can criticize that woman. I don't know when things will changein Nigeria but it will need a total upheaval of the choices we make and the way we live our lives as a people

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chaircover:

I wasn't even thinking about the violence aspect. You are right; there is violence everywhere. Everything seems to be done by force and that transfers into the homes.

Seeing street fights between danfo drivers is no big deal these days and these same men go home to their wives everyday.

I dont know where we can start from; do we arrest and lock up wife beaters (what about the police man that will arrest him and the judge that will try him) are they not wife beaters them selves?

Do we fine them? wont that affect the family finances?

Do we name and shame them on TV?

What exactly is the answer?

Outstrip many times, women dont leave because they will be made to leave with nothing especially in our dear country. Many have kids and say that they dont want their kids to suffer, so they stay put. To you and I watching in from the outside it seems like a death wish but many of these women will no budge no matter what you tell them until sometimes it is way too late

The woman married for 20 years was probably thinking that she was doing her kids a favour by staying put in spite of the beatings, but in reality she has done them no favours but has turned them into angry young men.

It is still not a excuse. What of widows. How do they manage. My aunty was widowed at an early age and raised 4 children on her own. she even chose not to remarry. The widows who raise these kids do not plan for their husbands to die. The cold hand of death just natches them away. They still manage. The woman that is holding on to an animal for her kids is lying. she is doing it for herself. She will manage just like a widow. If you think you failed by picking the man you married then imagine how you should be graded when you then let your children repeat the same thing. Sons turning into angry beasts and daughters who let their husbands beat them like animals and then in most cases they transfer their agression to their children and house helps. The cycle continues. No excuse abeg

Where does forgiveness come in ?!

My father was a very violent man because he was a top general in the army. One of Nigeria's highest ranking army officials. His goal was to always instill fear. For a while, I hated that man ---- but I've forgiven him. In the 21st century only a foolish woman will stay with a violent and mentally unstable man. Enuff said.

this is a topic very close to my heart - I experienced this when I was in Nigeria and its a lot more complicated than people think.

Chaircover I commend you for starting this topic, there is never an excuse for domestic violence (including women beating their househelps)

My ex only stopped when he was threatened with arrest, as someone that works in the media he did not want that publicity and looking back now it wasn't even me that threatened him.

HOWEVER, cos of what I went thru if any man should even dream of raising his hand against me - i will kill him or injure him so bad he will know never to even kill a spider. For the idiots that will come one here and say a woman pushes a man to beat her - u are animals walking in human bodies. The beatings I received had nothing to do with what I did. (A broken wrist for reducing the AC so that the man wouldn't catch cold, yes tell me how that is pushing him to the wall)

Hmmm, Madam Permit me to answer: well in my case none of those things were present when we were dating, we were really really close, he never supported his dad abuse even when we were younger and it was rampant, the changes came a little after the wedding, he started hanging out with his dad started drinking and having affairs. We used to joke have fun but all dat stopped as every joke turned to a fight. I will say in his case Nature won over nuture my dad was like a defacto dad to him and tried to raise him a different way than his father was but just 2 months with his dad that side came out. Anyway, didn't leave after the first slap, didn't tell anyone I didn't want 3rd parties in our new marriage, after slaps dem blows den flogging with belts. When I finally opened up I was advised to endure and pray, I did that, was almost non existant, only spoke when he spoke to me, became timid and scared I was told and believed I was doing something wrong, I almost left my job when he started finding faults with it, lost lots of friends only the friends he approved, told his mom she advised I endure cos she had been tru worse, did dat till I landed in d hospital and had emergency surgery and my Dad told me its time to let go, dat was d wake up I needed, he didn't come to the hospital even when I almost lost my life, I didn't go back and he threatened to bring another woman to take my ace I told him to go ahead, he made a statement that made me make up my mind he said his mom had endured worse so why would I walk out on our marriage that told me dat he wasn't gonna stop. Anyway when it was clear I was leaving I went tru hell, even my mom avioded me, my dad was the only one who stood by me. I learnt to become strong and tough, I had to learn to speak up, still working on my self esteem, it was hard leaving but it was harder staying. Gender Alert helps women I had their number before but lost it but if you google you can get it. Well I don't know other peoples situations but I don't think there is any justification for hitting ur partner male or female not just physical abuse but emotional abuse which is worse. its been a while only a woman who has been abused can understand somethings you have to start building urself from scratch emotionally, mentally and phsically. I heard some pple stop some don't but I wouldn't want to be around to find out. Did I live out anything?

For me there should be laws, in effect to this form of abuse, it is crazy and not dignifying for a husband to raise his hands against his wife in front of the kids, it is the height of lack of self-control. We know some women, push their husbands to that level of anger, while some men derive pleasure in correcting their wives with a slap or blow.

I will say the women are at fault, in the sense that they have decided to remain a play thing and a punching bag for their husbands, they do not understand what 'patience' in marraige is all about. They need to be educated that they do not have to be in an abusive relationship, so many people have lost their lives, others' have lost children and so on .

Cotton congrats for surviving and having the courage. Rebuilding ur life takes great courage, you have to deal with sterotype and prejudice, you also have to deal with urself cos u feel like a failure, at first you blame urself thinking of where you went wrong, what u might have done to cause ur failed marriage, u re tempted to go back but then u remember all d apologies, d make up love making, d few days of peace before something sets him off again and you hold ur self, if like me u didn't have a lot of family support u contemplate suicide, my Father is my rock, my one true thing, my friend. If not for my dad I think I would never have had the courage to leave, who knows I may be dead now or still be alive and living in fear cos as far as I know my ex still has not changed. Am lucky we didn't have kids, sometimes God walks in mysterious ways I was praying and fasting for a child hoping a child will change him but now I know why if I had a child I would ve been tempted to stay

debrief08:

Hmmm, Madam Permit me to answer: well in my case none of those things were present when we were dating, we were really really close, he never supported his dad abuse even when we were younger and it was rampant, the changes came a little after the wedding, he started hanging out with his dad started drinking and having affairs. We used to joke have fun but all dat stopped as every joke turned to a fight. I will say in his case Nature won over nuture my dad was like a defacto dad to him and tried to raise him a different way than his father was but just 2 months with his dad that side came out. Anyway, didn't leave after the first slap, didn't tell anyone I didn't want 3rd parties in our new marriage, after slaps dem blows den flogging with belts. When I finally opened up I was advised to endure and pray, I did that, was almost non existant, only spoke when he spoke to me, became timid and scared I was told and believed I was doing something wrong, I almost left my job when he started finding faults with it, lost lots of friends only the friends he approved, told his mom she advised I endure cos she had been tru worse, did dat till I landed in d hospital and had emergency surgery and my Dad told me its time to let go, dat was d wake up I needed, he didn't come to the hospital even when I almost lost my life, I didn't go back and he threatened to bring another woman to take my ace I told him to go ahead, he made a statement that made me make up my mind he said his mom had endured worse so why would I walk out on our marriage that told me dat he wasn't gonna stop. Anyway when it was clear I was leaving I went tru hell, even my mom avioded me, my dad was the only one who stood by me. I learnt to become strong and tough, I had to learn to speak up, still working on my self esteem, it was hard leaving but it was harder staying. Gender Alert helps women I had their number before but lost it but if you google you can get it. Well I don't know other peoples situations but I don't think there is any justification for hitting your partner male or female not just physical abuse but emotional abuse which is worse. its been a while only a woman who has been abused can understand somethings you have to start building urself from scratch emotionally, mentally and phsically. I heard some pple stop some don't but I wouldn't want to be around to find out. Did I live out anything?

Whoa! So glad you were able to removed yourself from that destructive life in spite of the lack of support.

You know what's ironic. . . . Most Nigerian women use the "I'm staying because of my kids" excuse to remain in abusive relationship but it seems at the end of the day, they are doing more harm staying. Your ex husband saw nothing wrong with what he was doing because his mom indirectly passed that message to him, sad isn't it?

Adding to the list of what women should watch out for. . .How your guys father treats his wife because more often than not, that how your guy will treat you.

[size=4pt]Next Topic - Will Men From Abusive Homes Make Good Husbands?
Lmao! Lemme not look for trouble [/size]

?

One thing is this

People resort to violence because they think nothing would happen or can get away with it.

No one is inherently violent.

I can beat my houseboy till death cos I know nothing would happen, why dont I beat my boss that cuss the shyyt out of me.

I know a guy that used to beat his sister regularly, He went abroad married an Oyinbo and tried that with her, She made it clear to him that next time he does that he would be cooling in the coldest jail cell.
Since then he never tried it even if he is drunk or on cocaine

An advice to women You should never endure spousal abuse more than ONCE.

If your bf shows any signs of wanting to beat you or beat you sit him down and deliver the message in a stern voice that it would never be tolerated. Invove his family too and yours

Next time he tries it Call the cops on him.

Also dont provoke your man, DOnt dare him to beat you cos such situations can degenerate, If he threatens to beat you, try to calm the situation or walk out.

Reason is that you never can tell when the devil has come upon him

We have to start from the homes. We need to educate out children and not just tell them but let them see t us.

.

Dayo you are so right. I think what I struggled with most and still struggle with is societial attitude, we need to look into our sterotypes, women don't ask to be beaten, churches need to take a stand and stop telling and already broken woman to still submit, when a woman is abused if you know her its bests she is out of d situation and if the man is willing get help. Nigerian Men beat their wives cos they know they will get away with it, fellow women will ask you to stay, the church will ask you to stay I know Islam doesn't permit it, if you beat ur wife u will be forced to divorce her or pay a hefty fine, ur family in most cases will send u back and ask you to endure. This attitude needs to change, no woman wants her marriage to fail, if she is beaten and she speaks out be sure that she endured and submitted and it didn't work that's why she is crying out. Hmmm, it is complex, like cotton said someone had to threaten her ex before he stopped just like in my case my dad called me to order before I left cos even with my broken ribs and my sore stomach without spleen I was thinking of going home and cooking, cooling his beer and arranging his clothes this was someone who sent me to the hospital and didn't bother to come. I was used to the whole cycle, beat me, refuse to talk to me have me come begging then tell me its my fault and kiss and make up. If someone had not stopped me I will still be doing dat, my dad didn't want me to divorce I made d decision myself after a trial seperation, cos I thought time apart will make him change and get help but he refused and kept insisting he had not done half of what his dad had done to his mom to me. That's why when I see women going tru this I always advice leave the place let him get help first. Women should also be industrious even if u don't ve a job ve a business so you can stand on ur own u will need to support urself for a while. I don't wish this for my worst enemy, it takes a lot to recover from abuse, Cotton said any man dat touches her she will kill, I understand her anger and it takes a lot of prayers and counseling to overcome years of pent up bitterness and hurt. Most importantly, support a woman who walks away from an abuser, she is very brave, don't make her an outcast

chaircover:

Dayo this is the problem. How many Nigerian women are able to go the full extent.

[b]I havent heard of any one case where a Nigerian man has been tried, convicted and jailed in a Nigerian court for wife battery unless the woman dies. The policeman you want to make the report too slaps his wife like sunday sunday medicine.[/b]Somehow Nigerian men have everything while the woman gets nowt. Even here on NL you see educated Nigerian men saying that they have chased their wives out of the home. All you hear is my house, my car, my this my that and Many of these women are boxed into a corner.

Its only when these men travel out that they come to realise that they just cant do what they like when they like how they like.

Yes, because some of the law makers/ enforcers are also guilty of the same offense.

debrief08:

Dayo you are so right. I think what I struggled with most and still struggle with is societial attitude, we need to look into our sterotypes, women don't ask to be beaten, churches need to take a stand and stop telling and already broken woman to still submit, when a woman is abused if you know her its bests she is out of d situation and if the man is willing get help. Nigerian Men beat their wives cos they know they will get away with it, fellow women will ask you to stay, the church will ask you to stay I know Islam doesn't permit it, if you beat your wife u will be forced to divorce her or pay a hefty fine, your family in most cases will send u back and ask you to endure. This attitude needs to change, no woman wants her marriage to fail, if she is beaten and she speaks out be sure that she endured and submitted and it didn't work that's why she is crying out. Hmmm, it is complex, like cotton said someone had to threaten her ex before he stopped just like in my case my dad called me to order before I left cos even with my broken ribs and my sore stomach without spleen I was thinking of going home and cooking, cooling his beer and arranging his clothes this was someone who sent me to the hospital and didn't bother to come. I was used to the whole cycle, beat me, refuse to talk to me have me come begging then tell me its my fault and kiss and make up. If someone had not stopped me I will still be doing dat, my dad didn't want me to divorce I made d decision myself after a trial seperation, cos I thought time apart will make him change and get help but he refused and kept insisting he had not done half of what his dad had done to his mom to me. That's why when I see women going tru this I always advice leave the place let him get help first. Women should also be industrious even if u don't ve a job ve a business so you can stand on your own u will need to support urself for a while. I don't wish this for my worst enemy, it takes a lot to recover from abuse, Cotton said any man dat touches her she will kill, I understand her anger and it takes a lot of prayers and counseling to overcome years of pent up bitterness and hurt. Most importantly, support a woman who walks away from an abuser, she is very brave, don't make her an outcast

Nigerian churches? I laugh in french. Nigerian churches are the worst. They will sweep everything under the rug. The "christian sisters" are the one that will carry the gossip. The pastors themsleves are beating their own wives. Abeg. I even advice Nigerians who feel like they will benefit from some marital counselling not to go to Nigerian pastors. Lai lie. They will say you should suffer like Jesus suffered. I still remembered the advice my sisters ex fiances pastor gave my sister. My Lord God. It still sends shivers down my spine. There are very few Nigerian male pastors that I can vouch for and they are here in the US.

The other thing that goes hand in hand with women taking control of hteir lives is what women say. Nigerian women should stop making comments like "my husband's house". Start using the term "our home". "our property". The day he says pack out of my house you will look at him and say you mean our house? If your in laws com e to visit you do not need to be aggressive to show them that it is your home. The words you say let them know whose home it is. You don't have to fight your people or kill yourself with stress to show that you make as much sacrifices for your marraige as their brother does. In many ways the woman sets the tone of things. If the man decides to be physically abusive then that is on him but you are the one who also makes the choice on what you will hang around and put up with.

debrief08:

Hmmm, Madam Permit me to answer: well in my case none of those things were present when we were dating, we were really really close, he never supported his dad abuse even when we were younger and it was rampant, the changes came a little after the wedding, he started hanging out with his dad started drinking and having affairs. We used to joke have fun but all dat stopped as every joke turned to a fight. I will say in his case Nature won over nuture my dad was like a defacto dad to him and tried to raise him a different way than his father was but just 2 months with his dad that side came out. Anyway, didn't leave after the first slap, didn't tell anyone I didn't want 3rd parties in our new marriage, after slaps dem blows den flogging with belts. When I finally opened up I was advised to endure and pray, I did that, was almost non existant, only spoke when he spoke to me, became timid and scared I was told and believed I was doing something wrong, I almost left my job when he started finding faults with it, lost lots of friends only the friends he approved, told his mom she advised I endure cos she had been tru worse, did dat till I landed in d hospital and had emergency surgery and my Dad told me its time to let go, dat was d wake up I needed, he didn't come to the hospital even when I almost lost my life, I didn't go back and he threatened to bring another woman to take my ace I told him to go ahead, he made a statement that made me make up my mind he said his mom had endured worse so why would I walk out on our marriage that told me dat he wasn't gonna stop. Anyway when it was clear I was leaving I went tru hell, even my mom avioded me, my dad was the only one who stood by me. I learnt to become strong and tough, I had to learn to speak up, still working on my self esteem, it was hard leaving but it was harder staying. Gender Alert helps women I had their number before but lost it but if you google you can get it. Well I don't know other peoples situations but I don't think there is any justification for hitting your partner male or female not just physical abuse but emotional abuse which is worse. its been a while only a woman who has been abused can understand somethings you have to start building urself from scratch emotionally, mentally and phsically. I heard some pple stop some don't but I wouldn't want to be around to find out. Did I live out anything?

wow

Outstrip:


Nigerian churches? I laugh in french. Nigerian churches are the worst. They will sweep everything under the rug. The "christian sisters" are the one that will carry the gossip. The pastors themsleves are beating their own wives. Abeg. I even advice Nigerians who feel like they will benefit from some marital counselling not to go to Nigerian pastors. Lai lie. They will say you should suffer like Jesus suffered. I still remembered the advice my sisters ex fiances pastor gave my sister. My Lord God. It still sends shivers down my spine. There are very few Nigerian male pastors that I can vouch for and they are here in the US.

The other thing that goes hand in hand with women taking control of hteir lives is what women say. Nigerian women should stop making comments like "my husband's house". Start using the term "our home". "our property". The day he says pack out of my house you will look at him and say you mean our house? If your in laws com e to visit you do not need to be aggressive to show them that it is your home. The words you say let them know whose home it is. You don't have to fight your people or kill yourself with stress to show that you make as much sacrifices for your marraige as their brother does. In many ways the woman sets the tone of things. If the man decides to be physically abusive then that is on him but you are the one who also makes the choice on what you will hang around and put up with.

You are so right!!! moreover women should empower themselves, work abegiii, because women that their men provide everything for do not always have a say, there is nothing wrong with having your own properties (landed or otherwise) in your name. no one knows tomorrow, we all hope for the best and with God on our side, it shall be well, no need to fold arms. because if you are well made, no man will throw you around. you call the shots in your home. though there are some men who will see your prosperity as a threat to them, especially if you are making more than them. That happened to my cousin, her husband showed her pepper, now she turned that pepper into a landed property in her name in lekki, without the knowledge of her husband, and the babe is living large, irrespective of all the nasty names her hubby calls her.

I was in a discussion with my dad and some people some years ago (more than 10yrs ago). We were talking about this wife beating issue. My dad said equivocally, that a woman has to stay in her marriage no matter what as God hates divorce. I av a lot of respect for my dad so i bought into the whole idea wholesale. i.e It is a woman's cross to carry, no matter what u see in ur marriage. That is why u should take the utmost care in picking a spouse.

However, 6 yrs ago, we had to go and see his only sister in the hospital. Seems her husband had been beating her and that particular beating was so bad that she was on life support in the hospital (this woman was almost 50 yrs then). My dad shed tears and regretted advising her to stay in her marriage though he always beat her and treated her harshly. Well, she lived but moved out and is staying in her own house in the same state. This gave me a whole new view to this wife beating issue.

However, what i noticed is that people use it to insult her, even her kids keep saying she should go back to her husband's house that she wants to shase young men   When her daughter was getting married, it was hell on earth. Thank God for support from well meaning people. These are some of the kind of issues that divorced women go through which make them refuse to leave.

I, my kids and my siblings should never have to experience such. it is too traumatic.

ronkebp:

You are so right!!! moreover women should empower themselves, work abegiii, because women that their men provide everything for do not always have a say, [b]there is nothing wrong with having your own properties (landed or otherwise) [/b]in your name. no one knows tomorrow, we all hope for the best and with God on our side, it shall be well, no need to fold arms. because if you are well made, no man will throw you around. you call the shots in your home. though there are some men who will see your prosperity as a threat to them, especially if you are making more than them. That happened to my cousin, her husband showed her pepper, now she turned that pepper into a landed property in her name in lekki, without the knowledge of her husband, and the babe is living large, irrespective of all the nasty names her hubby calls her.

yes there is

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ronkebp:

You are so right!!! moreover women should empower themselves, work abegiii, because women that their men provide everything for do not always have a say, there is nothing wrong with having your own properties (landed or otherwise) in your name. no one knows tomorrow, we all hope for the best and with God on our side, it shall be well, no need to fold arms. because if you are well made, no man will throw you around. you call the shots in your home. though there are some men who will see your prosperity as a threat to them, especially if you are making more than them. That happened to my cousin, her husband showed her pepper, now she turned that pepper into a landed property in her name in lekki, without the knowledge of her husband, and the babe is living large, irrespective of all the nasty names her hubby calls her.

I agree with you in all these.

Most women who suffer most are the ones who are financially dependent on their husband cos they feel where would they go after this, How would they survive without the mans handout

Also there is a section who fear the stigma of being divorced and raising kids alone

If a woman is financially secure she wont find it easier to call the bluff of an abusive spouse

new generation of nig ladies should learn how to protect themselves. there are no cop to call so when in Uni learn karate, boxing, judo, etc. learn so that if you marry a miserable wife beater, you have already acquire all the protective skills. fight back, i mean don't just fold your hands and cry . . .  
if he gives you one blow, give him back, grab his epon and fight.
if you don't have the power to fight, please dump him real quick like it's hot, ofc it is hot.

thank God for the system of obodo O. i will not take even a pinch from any unfortunate son of Adam. you as well as pinches me, you are going to spend the night in Jail.

r231:

yes there is

There is?? did not know!

ronkebp:

There is?? did not know!

that's like keeping a secret from your husband

Leaving your abusive husband when kids are involved in Nigeria is a VERY difficult thing. . . .The man will easily marry another woman and the woman will be maltreating your kids all the time. I have seen it happen so many times, some of the kids are even thrown out of the house and their futures destroyed . . . .The culture of violence against your subordinates that our culture greatly promotes is the cause of all these. . . .Many women accept and also participate in this act of violence, they beat their house helps and younger siblings all the time. .

Wife battery in Nigeria is mainstream and women have come to accept it as part of the culture, you hear women uttering words like"you wan make my husband beat me" all the time without blinking an eye lid. . . .I was raised in the church (I had no life outside the church until I came to Europe) and I can say with all certainty that the churches are really contributing to this mess, saw so many cases of battery where the churches berate the women that try to leave by telling them that they are trying to let the devil win. . . .

God hates divorce is the mantra every where in the churches. . . .You must hold unto your vow that says for better or for worse is always promoted by the churches. . . .No pastor will ever tell you to leave, they will always tell you to pray, fast and expect your miracle that will happen soon. . . .Divorced women are looked up on as bad women. . . . .You hear people saying this like "see her she is divorced" or " she no fit stay for man house". . . .That stigma is the last thing most women will want to be associated with. . . .

Its a hopeless case in Nigeria as far as am concerned doing away with our culture that promotes violence against our subordinates is the only way out, but I don't see that culture changing any time soon. . . .

Armyofone, physically fighting back does not work oh esp if he is bigger than you, the day I tried it he broke 3 of my fingers and totally beat me blue black. Even if you go and learn karate will you turn ur house to a boxing ring? So both of you will fight and kill each other? I am 5.6 he was 6. 3 totally overpowering, best bet leave and live

^^^^^ that type of man will receive his own part of the beating outside, oh yea!!!! dem boys will panel- beat him and when he comes home, i will help him massage his bumps with hot water.

r231:

that's like keeping a secret from your husband

Keeping secrets from your husband is not good, but keeping secret from a wife beater and potential killer (who calls himself a husband), is the way to go!!.

Mazaje you hit the nail on d head, stigma is something I still deal especially as I remarried, my husband will go somewhere and someone will quote the bible indirectly refering to him as a sinner for marrying a divorced woman, I thank God for my mother in law a Church leader who will use every opportunity to defend me, when dey start talking about me knowing my esteem was low she will start praising me and quote the Bible well and defend me, something even my mom didn't do. My own insults reduced when I had a child so focus shifted a bit to my ex cos he was always publiclly calling me barren and accusing me of abortions, even though he was my first boyfriend. The stigma was my greatest issue till my dad and in law let me know dat pple can only stigmatise me as much as I let them. My mother in law get hot head, one day one woman in der fellowship came to d house and was trying to gossip about me mama called me in d womans presence told me wat she was saying and told d woman " at least my pickin fine she fit get 2 husband all ur daughters even quarter husband dem never see" dat news went round and reduced d women fellowship gossip lol. I will take stigma everyday over black eye broken ribs, STIs and low self esteem

ronkebp:

^^^^^ that type of man will receive his own part of the beating outside, oh yea!!!! dem boys will panel- beat him and when he comes home, i will help him massage his bumps with hot water.

Keeping secrets from your husband is not good, but keeping secret from a wife beater and potential killer (who calls himself a husband), is the way to go!!.

oh yea you are right