Re: Marriage Has Failed Me! by BlongTrendies(f): 4:11pm On Apr 11, 2023 |
dominique: You should never have resigned from your job .
I hope you get another well paying source of income as soon as possible. I won't advise you to go any extra length to try to please your sister in-law. Give her her due respect but don't try to overdo. Pesin wey no like you no go like you even if you risk your life to please them. Just try to be financially independent of them as much as possible and face your family. I learnt that the hard way. They are bunch of toxic people. @OP Get a job, infuse alot of happiness in your girl and live your life. You'll be alright. 2 Likes |
Re: Marriage Has Failed Me! by Anonymoususher: 4:11pm On Apr 11, 2023 |
I hate it when men cannot stand up for their wives.
I always thank God for my family because nobody has that time. My mom is too busy with her business, my brothers and sister don't even have anybody's time. All the wives are free and relaxed. We barely visit ourselves but very cooperative when there is a need in the home.
I am not married but my fiancee is loved and protected by my siblings.
I don't take her too close to my friends, just the ones that are like blood. Some friends are lousy and have no respect or boundaries. They'd want to talk down on ladies, body shame or compare them and that's the reason I don't take her close to any of them. It's been 5yrs together and we have grown together yet some friends haven't see my babe. There are occasions I attend with her and there are some I tell her to stay back and I go alone. She is beautiful with the perfect structure. Perfectly fit for me but guys will always be guys who only see women as people they talk down at that's the reason I take her close to only friends I know are reasonable and it's my way of protecting my woman and keeping friends from getting to my head.
I hope men learn to understand that as a man you are a protector of your woman and kids.
My siblings put their wives and kids first before our family and that's how it shud be, thats how our late dad put us first above his own siblings and that's what mindset I have too... No interference in anybody's life.
There was a time one of the newly married wife had issues with my brother and went to report to my mom, after talking my mom told her to fix it. She went to report our first son and second son including the wives. When she saw that nobody interfered she calm down.
We have our family whatsapp group where only we the children discuss and trash issues in private, we also have a whatsapp group which includes everybody including the wives, then another one which includes extended family.
In the private group matters arising are discussed, if there is need to scold someone or treat an issue, we treat it there without even the wives knowing. If there is need to discuss things that involves all the wives, we discuss in the general group.
Though we have our fights and disagreements sometimes but we don't meddle in our marriages, highest we can do is discussed issues raised, scold u in the private group or when we have our monthly family meeting in our mom's house. Whatever you choose to do with the advise is your business we Don talk be say we Don talk.
The wives are certainly very comfortable and free with everyone. I am the next in line to marry and my fiancee in our 5yrs relationship is already friends with my siblings and their wives, even my mom. She is in school and many times on her own go spend holiday with my sister who is married in the state she schools without my knowledge sef. Though their relationship dates back before we started dating.
Bottom line is, how the father decides he wants his family to be. My dad placed us first and didn't allow outside interference in our home, he didn't even interfere in his brothers family and even after his passing, we grew up like that. 4 Likes |
Re: Marriage Has Failed Me! by PerfectMan24: 4:11pm On Apr 11, 2023 |
A happy marriage complement it all |
Re: Marriage Has Failed Me! by CeeJeckydivah: 4:11pm On Apr 11, 2023 |
BrighterThanDay:
The truth is my husband is a good man. He chose me, I chose him, and we are happy together. Aside from the current financial issues and law problems we don't have any other problem. He stood up for me countless times against his sister and asked her to leave me alone. But whenever he does this, the sister gets so mad and says I've come to scatter their family and she begins to report to elders, who now turn on my husband and ask him to draw his sister close as the father of the house after the demise of his father. If he doesn't oblige, he'll be totally isolated from the family, even if his mother is sick or God forbid dies, he won't be informed, nobody picks up his calls or when they answer they sound so cold. The worse part was when my daughter was born, aside my family, none of them congratulated him. This is what they use to get to him and it hurts him so bad, and he ends up blaming me. I hate seeing him in this mood and I'll always encourage him to go back to them. I'm sincerely tired of this vicious cycle, I don't know how long I can continue living like this. This his sister is married, but she doesn't want any of her brothers to be. This is weird. But i think your husband and sister might have been incest. This is really weird. But it could be a possibility. The sister front at this point is just ridiculous. No basis of hatred just pure hatred. Nah something is fishy. Also go get another job abeg. Put in the effort to make your marriage work. Trust me, If it will it will. If it won't it won't. Learn & move on. Dem no tie you & someone's destiny together. 4 Likes |
Re: Marriage Has Failed Me! by MercySpeak(m): 4:12pm On Apr 11, 2023 |
Op, just calm down and relax. It is a phase and it will surely pass but depends on how you handle it personally.
Every marriage has bend bend especially at the beginning but as you guys get along, it will get better if you both can work things out.
One of the great tools my mum used to tell me to have when it comes to marriage is ignore button. In every marriage, one person needs to be the mumu just for peace to remain.
Marriage is more than love. It is a business and if you don’t put in your best as co CEOS, the business will collapse.
If it is possible for you to activate your ignore button, it is not like you are daft or mumu o but just see yourself as a bigger person that can’t be dragging issues with your inlaw.
Don’t fight with your husband, don’t put mouth into his family matter, anything your husband want to do his family financially or otherwise, don’t counter it.
The only place you bleeped up is resigning from your job🥺🥺very bad decision. Start looking for another job or business hence you will get more frustrated o |
Re: Marriage Has Failed Me! by franchasofficia: 4:12pm On Apr 11, 2023 |
BrighterThanDay: As a child from a broken home, I saw marriage as my happy ending of finally having a home filled with love and mutual understanding. After the death of my mom, growing up with my dad and stepmom was hell. I was treated as a stranger in my own home, so I thought starting my own family will be a lot better.
After I completed my education and got a good job. I had a lot of suitors willing to settle down with me. Most of them were rich and accomplished men, but there was no spark, I felt they weren't genuinely in love with me, and since I was never a materialistic person, I turned them down. I get easily content with what I have and I spend prudently. Then I met my husband. It happened that I was his crush back then in school, in fact, he even approached me as a student then, but I turned him down because I knew where I was coming from and I never wanted to gamble with my studies, it was my only hope to leave my father's house and fend for myself.
Fast forward to when I met my husband after school. He didn't even have a good job. But I could tell I meant a great deal to him, we'll speak for hours on the phone. I fell hopelessly in love with him, I could already picture a happy home with him and our kids. Then he proposed, and I accepted. I met his family, they were nice on the first visit.
After the introduction ceremony with my family, I started noticing certain things. I was taking pictures with his phone when I saw a message from his mom telling him I'm a stranger and he shouldn't allow me to come between them. I was surprised and wondered where all this was coming from, I asked him and he reassured me that it was nothing.
Then his father told me that hope I know that a son should love and care for his parents more than his kids. I kept pondering this statement. Then the worse of it all was his married sister, she hasn't even met me, but she rained insults and abuses on me on his phone and why he needs to make money first and allow his family to enjoy his money, before getting married. She said I was old, and just forcing him to marry me. I was just 26 then, but my education was very fast.
I had to speak to her dad about this and he cautioned her. I tried speaking to her myself but she rained insults again on me. I called off the wedding at a point but my then-fiance begged and involved my brother and so we went on with the wedding preparations. The wedding went well and his entire family stayed with us for a week before leaving.
My husband got a good job, I was working, we were fine and money wasn't our problem. A few months later, my father-in-law died. I sent messages and called hubby's siblings to comfort them. I couldn't travel with him immediately due to the nature of my job. I kept calling to check on him and inquire about the traditional rites I might need to be a part of. Hubby said his father was a pastor so he won't need to do anything, while we were yet speaking, his sister who hates me snatched the phone from him and said I have to do this and that or I should pack my things and leave the house and then she shouted at me.
I was so pissed and acted in a way that wasn't right considering that we were all mourning. I sent a message to her, telling her to be nice considering that we are all mourning but if she chooses to continue insulting and humiliating me for no reason, I won't take it. She forwarded the message to the entire family, including uncles, aunts, and grandchildren. On the day of the burial, I was treated as an outcast by the entire family, she told them not to give my birth family food, even though they came bearing gifts and comforting everyone. Hubby had to step in and ask the caterers to serve them.
She kept fighting and shouting at my hubby throughout the burial and tried denying him of things he was supposed to do as the first son and child. I was humiliated and she kept castigating my name and insulting me to hearings of everyone. I wasn't even allowed to eat. I was quiet all through, when family members were asked to sit behind the corpse, she asked me to excuse them.
For fear of my life after the burial, I had to go lodge in a hotel outside. The next morning she and her brother kept shouting and complaining that why did hubby allow me to lodge and that I should have been with their mom. They continued the humiliation, I couldn't take it anymore or hold back my tears so I left.
Hubby later told me that she held a meeting in my absence with the entire family and told them I'm a bad wife and needs to leave her brother. This was when hubby stood up for me and said I wasn't going anywhere.
Our marriage was never the same. Even when we had our daughter, no one called, hubby was ostracized from his own family and he blamed me sometimes. I couldn't concentrate at work, and my job is performance-based. I was scared that I'll be fired, so I resigned.
Hubby's income wasn't enough to sustain us, so we started facing financial difficulties. He had to even go meet the same sister to borrow money, even though I discouraged it. She always mocked him for it and I had to pay off the loan at a point.
When she saw that we are now broke, she stopped fighting with him and they are on talking terms now, of course, she still wants nothing to do with me. I know that they are family by blood and nothing is too hard to forgive, but each time she calls and they are happily discussing, Ican't help but feel angry for all she has caused us. I'm sometimes tempted to leave this marriage because this is not what I envisaged at all.
My brother is also married and I have never felt the need to interfere in his marriage or fight his wife.
I don't know how long I can continue in this union, even my innocent beautiful daughter is hated by them. I keep telling women and men that love is never enough reason to marry anybody at all. Love is an illusion, a deceptive feeling, a selfish feeling that only focuses on your fantasies and wants without considering other vital things of life. I love him is a useless reason to marry any man or woman. Who are his family members? What does he do for a living? Family background of your partner matters a lot.. Honestly once your husband's family dislike you, it takes only God's intervention for things to go otherwise, so pray hard oh 1 Like |
Re: Marriage Has Failed Me! by Exceed15: 4:12pm On Apr 11, 2023 |
May your in-laws in laws treat them the way they treated you. We reap what we sow. |
Re: Marriage Has Failed Me! by Smartguyboy(m): 4:13pm On Apr 11, 2023 |
You kind of deserve it sha you saw the sign from the beginning What the need of being in love when you are not happy or accepted by the family. |
Re: Marriage Has Failed Me! by naijapikin2(m): 4:13pm On Apr 11, 2023 |
Someone above me has said it the way I wanted to .. better to be single and happy than married and sad. After all some are looking for miracle marriage, some are seeking miracle divorce.
Choose well. |
Re: Marriage Has Failed Me! by Flier: 4:13pm On Apr 11, 2023 |
Cizarr: You did a terrible mistake by resigning from your Job and that's the only thing that pain me in your Write up. Your Job should be your husband. This is where all her problems lies She should get a job and everything else will sort out itself,no one respect a jobless wife. |
Re: Marriage Has Failed Me! by ednut1(m): 4:13pm On Apr 11, 2023 |
Who resigns for fear for being sacked ![](/faces/huh.png) |
Re: Marriage Has Failed Me! by Shinabrown5308(m): 4:13pm On Apr 11, 2023 |
I’m not only short of words I’m short of breath, |
Re: Marriage Has Failed Me! by zadokchidi: 4:14pm On Apr 11, 2023 |
Your own part is sweet we need to hear from hubby b4 we judge ...women with their sweet lies...that is how one girl said she don't want to have morthe inlaw...that means she want her dead |
Re: Marriage Has Failed Me! by deji17: 4:14pm On Apr 11, 2023 |
From Nigeria has failed them to their parents failed them and now Marriage has failed them. These people will never be honest enough to admit that they have failed themselves. Always deflecting and looking for someone to blame for their personal failures in life. |
Re: Marriage Has Failed Me! by Montaque(m): 4:15pm On Apr 11, 2023 |
People are saying something about "red flag". While it is good to avoid troubles before they come, some "red flags" are not worth avoiding with marriage as the bigger picture. Look at it this way, you and your hubby are cool. Only that when you reach the side of your inlaws, you have issues. So instead of avoiding the marriage entirely, why not pattern your marriage such that you have the least contact with them inlaws? Almost every family has this issue, and wives have been sidestepping the issue to enjoy their marriage. Which is why you should not have resigned your job. Your priority is your husband and your daughter. Focus on them, use your money on them, make your home a place to come to, and minimise contact with others. I know an inlaw that has never bothered about contacting the larger family on anything since she married into our family, and for good reasons too. They live far away which makes it possible for her to enjoy her marriage. All that interference does not build the home. So to conclude, the time you noticed your inlaws and what they can do, start working on how to have a proper nuclear family with least interference. You can still enjoy your marriage, even in the midst of mad inlaws. Use wisdom |
Re: Marriage Has Failed Me! by vdestro: 4:16pm On Apr 11, 2023 |
ednut1: Who resigns for fear for being sacked![](/faces/huh.png) A "damaged" person. |
Re: Marriage Has Failed Me! by Ajehkpako4naija(f): 4:17pm On Apr 11, 2023 |
BrighterThanDay: As a child from a broken home, I saw marriage as my happy ending of finally having a home filled with love and mutual understanding. After the death of my mom, growing up with my dad and stepmom was hell. I was treated as a stranger in my own home, so I thought starting my own family will be a lot better.
After I completed my education and got a good job. I had a lot of suitors willing to settle down with me. Most of them were rich and accomplished men, but there was no spark, I felt they weren't genuinely in love with me, and since I was never a materialistic person, I turned them down. I get easily content with what I have and I spend prudently. Then I met my husband. It happened that I was his crush back then in school, in fact, he even approached me as a student then, but I turned him down because I knew where I was coming from and I never wanted to gamble with my studies, it was my only hope to leave my father's house and fend for myself.
Fast forward to when I met my husband after school. He didn't even have a good job. But I could tell I meant a great deal to him, we'll speak for hours on the phone. I fell hopelessly in love with him, I could already picture a happy home with him and our kids. Then he proposed, and I accepted. I met his family, they were nice on the first visit.
After the introduction ceremony with my family, I started noticing certain things. I was taking pictures with his phone when I saw a message from his mom telling him I'm a stranger and he shouldn't allow me to come between them. I was surprised and wondered where all this was coming from, I asked him and he reassured me that it was nothing.
Then his father told me that hope I know that a son should love and care for his parents more than his kids. I kept pondering this statement. Then the worse of it all was his married sister, she hasn't even met me, but she rained insults and abuses on me on his phone and why he needs to make money first and allow his family to enjoy his money, before getting married. She said I was old, and just forcing him to marry me. I was just 26 then, but my education was very fast.
I had to speak to her dad about this and he cautioned her. I tried speaking to her myself but she rained insults again on me. I called off the wedding at a point but my then-fiance begged and involved my brother and so we went on with the wedding preparations. The wedding went well and his entire family stayed with us for a week before leaving.
My husband got a good job, I was working, we were fine and money wasn't our problem. A few months later, my father-in-law died. I sent messages and called hubby's siblings to comfort them. I couldn't travel with him immediately due to the nature of my job. I kept calling to check on him and inquire about the traditional rites I might need to be a part of. Hubby said his father was a pastor so he won't need to do anything, while we were yet speaking, his sister who hates me snatched the phone from him and said I have to do this and that or I should pack my things and leave the house and then she shouted at me.
I was so pissed and acted in a way that wasn't right considering that we were all mourning. I sent a message to her, telling her to be nice considering that we are all mourning but if she chooses to continue insulting and humiliating me for no reason, I won't take it. She forwarded the message to the entire family, including uncles, aunts, and grandchildren. On the day of the burial, I was treated as an outcast by the entire family, she told them not to give my birth family food, even though they came bearing gifts and comforting everyone. Hubby had to step in and ask the caterers to serve them.
She kept fighting and shouting at my hubby throughout the burial and tried denying him of things he was supposed to do as the first son and child. I was humiliated and she kept castigating my name and insulting me to hearings of everyone. I wasn't even allowed to eat. I was quiet all through, when family members were asked to sit behind the corpse, she asked me to excuse them.
For fear of my life after the burial, I had to go lodge in a hotel outside. The next morning she and her brother kept shouting and complaining that why did hubby allow me to lodge and that I should have been with their mom. They continued the humiliation, I couldn't take it anymore or hold back my tears so I left.
Hubby later told me that she held a meeting in my absence with the entire family and told them I'm a bad wife and needs to leave her brother. This was when hubby stood up for me and said I wasn't going anywhere.
Our marriage was never the same. Even when we had our daughter, no one called, hubby was ostracized from his own family and he blamed me sometimes. I couldn't concentrate at work, and my job is performance-based. I was scared that I'll be fired, so I resigned.
Hubby's income wasn't enough to sustain us, so we started facing financial difficulties. He had to even go meet the same sister to borrow money, even though I discouraged it. She always mocked him for it and I had to pay off the loan at a point.
When she saw that we are now broke, she stopped fighting with him and they are on talking terms now, of course, she still wants nothing to do with me. I know that they are family by blood and nothing is too hard to forgive, but each time she calls and they are happily discussing, Ican't help but feel angry for all she has caused us. I'm sometimes tempted to leave this marriage because this is not what I envisaged at all.
My brother is also married and I have never felt the need to interfere in his marriage or fight his wife.
I don't know how long I can continue in this union, even my innocent beautiful daughter is hated by them. Opt for plan B |
Re: Marriage Has Failed Me! by Miky91: 4:19pm On Apr 11, 2023 |
I feel you are hurt tempered, most of the things you wrote are all trivial issues, to me you should have handled it maturedly, you can even ignore them, and whatever you aren't comfortable with, discuss with your husband secretly. You made a mistake, try and correct it and make your marriage work. No marriage is perfect, |
Re: Marriage Has Failed Me! by IIdamuAdugbo(f): 4:19pm On Apr 11, 2023 |
BrighterThanDay:
I don't know how long I can continue in this union, even my innocent beautiful daughter is hated by them. love is inert, same as hatred. the only mistake you made is continuing with the wedding, my tribe used to say, you can marry a bad husband, but you can not survive bad inlaws. i wish you comfort in your marriage, |
Re: Marriage Has Failed Me! by Aurelius1(m): 4:20pm On Apr 11, 2023 |
BrighterThanDay: As a child from a broken home, I saw marriage as my happy ending of finally having a home filled with love and mutual understanding. After the death of my mom, growing up with my dad and stepmom was hell. I was treated as a stranger in my own home, so I thought starting my own family will be a lot better.
After I completed my education and got a good job. I had a lot of suitors willing to settle down with me. Most of them were rich and accomplished men, but there was no spark, I felt they weren't genuinely in love with me, and since I was never a materialistic person, I turned them down. I get easily content with what I have and I spend prudently. Then I met my husband. It happened that I was his crush back then in school, in fact, he even approached me as a student then, but I turned him down because I knew where I was coming from and I never wanted to gamble with my studies, it was my only hope to leave my father's house and fend for myself.
Fast forward to when I met my husband after school. He didn't even have a good job. But I could tell I meant a great deal to him, we'll speak for hours on the phone. I fell hopelessly in love with him, I could already picture a happy home with him and our kids. Then he proposed, and I accepted. I met his family, they were nice on the first visit.
After the introduction ceremony with my family, I started noticing certain things. I was taking pictures with his phone when I saw a message from his mom telling him I'm a stranger and he shouldn't allow me to come between them. I was surprised and wondered where all this was coming from, I asked him and he reassured me that it was nothing.
Then his father told me that hope I know that a son should love and care for his parents more than his kids. I kept pondering this statement. Then the worse of it all was his married sister, she hasn't even met me, but she rained insults and abuses on me on his phone and why he needs to make money first and allow his family to enjoy his money, before getting married. She said I was old, and just forcing him to marry me. I was just 26 then, but my education was very fast.
I had to speak to her dad about this and he cautioned her. I tried speaking to her myself but she rained insults again on me. I called off the wedding at a point but my then-fiance begged and involved my brother and so we went on with the wedding preparations. The wedding went well and his entire family stayed with us for a week before leaving.
My husband got a good job, I was working, we were fine and money wasn't our problem. A few months later, my father-in-law died. I sent messages and called hubby's siblings to comfort them. I couldn't travel with him immediately due to the nature of my job. I kept calling to check on him and inquire about the traditional rites I might need to be a part of. Hubby said his father was a pastor so he won't need to do anything, while we were yet speaking, his sister who hates me snatched the phone from him and said I have to do this and that or I should pack my things and leave the house and then she shouted at me.
I was so pissed and acted in a way that wasn't right considering that we were all mourning. I sent a message to her, telling her to be nice considering that we are all mourning but if she chooses to continue insulting and humiliating me for no reason, I won't take it. She forwarded the message to the entire family, including uncles, aunts, and grandchildren. On the day of the burial, I was treated as an outcast by the entire family, she told them not to give my birth family food, even though they came bearing gifts and comforting everyone. Hubby had to step in and ask the caterers to serve them.
She kept fighting and shouting at my hubby throughout the burial and tried denying him of things he was supposed to do as the first son and child. I was humiliated and she kept castigating my name and insulting me to hearings of everyone. I wasn't even allowed to eat. I was quiet all through, when family members were asked to sit behind the corpse, she asked me to excuse them.
For fear of my life after the burial, I had to go lodge in a hotel outside. The next morning she and her brother kept shouting and complaining that why did hubby allow me to lodge and that I should have been with their mom. They continued the humiliation, I couldn't take it anymore or hold back my tears so I left.
Hubby later told me that she held a meeting in my absence with the entire family and told them I'm a bad wife and needs to leave her brother. This was when hubby stood up for me and said I wasn't going anywhere.
Our marriage was never the same. Even when we had our daughter, no one called, hubby was ostracized from his own family and he blamed me sometimes. I couldn't concentrate at work, and my job is performance-based. I was scared that I'll be fired, so I resigned.
Hubby's income wasn't enough to sustain us, so we started facing financial difficulties. He had to even go meet the same sister to borrow money, even though I discouraged it. She always mocked him for it and I had to pay off the loan at a point.
When she saw that we are now broke, she stopped fighting with him and they are on talking terms now, of course, she still wants nothing to do with me. I know that they are family by blood and nothing is too hard to forgive, but each time she calls and they are happily discussing, Ican't help but feel angry for all she has caused us. I'm sometimes tempted to leave this marriage because this is not what I envisaged at all.
My brother is also married and I have never felt the need to interfere in his marriage or fight his wife.
I don't know how long I can continue in this union, even my innocent beautiful daughter is hated by them. Leave for your own sanity. It's not worth it. The mistake you made was resigning from your job. |
Re: Marriage Has Failed Me! by slivertongue: 4:20pm On Apr 11, 2023 |
CaveAdullam: 1. Number one rule before getting married: check if your in-laws are also "in love" with you. If they are, you'll experience peace from them in that union, if not, trouble galore - don't get married.
2. No matter the degree of love you and your partner share, if it doesn't extend to both families, either of you will be used to fight a proxy war.
Many intending couples do think they are the exceptions, hence, they go ahead with the marriage rites even though the main family members are not at peace with the union.
3. Love conquers. But you see family, they are the foundation of every person you see out there. They share blood. They share a bond. They share secrets. If they perceive you aren't worthy to become one of them, just leave. There are many other men/women you can have a good and sweet relationship with, and that have lovely families.
4. Your husband isn't bold enough to put a period in many absurd sentences in the family. As the eldest and as a married man he ought to be your protector. Although, a contributing reason is that he isn't wealthy. Only poor husbands or men are being tossed like a table tennis ball in every family.
5. If your in-laws are not threatening your life, you must encourage boldness in your husband. Open yourself before him and let him see your vulnerabilities and how frightened you're in the marriage. He must defend and protect his family. Even if he's not a millionaire, there are masculine virtues he must imbue himself. He must call the shot in his family and let them accord you your respect.
6. You must also build your confidence. Be brave and bold. Don't allow any family member to treat you as a doormat. Stand firm. You have a home to keep and a beautiful daughter to protect. Be strong for yourself and your family. Know when to apply peace. Know how to deliver violence. This will make obstinate and troublesome people stay aloof from you.
7. Nigeria's economy/world economy is as useless and hopeless as ever before, however, both of you should hold each other tight and walk through the storm together. Look for possible trades to do. It doesn't get easy as you move further. It gets tougher, but more strength, experience, wisdom, and liberation.
8. If your marriage becomes life-threatening and unable for you to catch little molecules of oxygen after you must have tried all notable things to aid the marriage, please, divorce. A divorce is never a good option. But at least it will save your life rather than allowing that life to grow weaker and eventually die in the end with no peace and joy.
Thanks. Simple and straightforward 1 Like |
Re: Marriage Has Failed Me! by Miky91: 4:21pm On Apr 11, 2023 |
You go better school, one heneken for you Montaque: People are saying something about "red flag". While it is good to avoid troubles before they come, some "red flags" are not worth avoiding with marriage as the bigger picture. Look at it this way, you and your hubby are cool. Only that when you reach the side of your inlaws, you have issues. So instead of avoiding the marriage entirely, why not pattern your marriage such that you have the least contact with them inlaws? Almost every family has this issue, and wives have been sidestepping the issue to enjoy their marriage. Which is why you should not have resigned your job. Your priority is your husband and your daughter. Focus on them, use your money on them, make your home a place to come to, and minimise contact with others. I know an inlaw that has never bothered about contacting the larger family on anything since she married into our family, and for good reasons too. They live far away which makes it possible for her to enjoy her marriage. All that interference does not build the home. So to conclude, the time you noticed your inlaws and what they can do, start working on how to have a proper nuclear family with least interference. You can still enjoy your marriage, even in the midst of mad inlaws. Use wisdom |
Re: Marriage Has Failed Me! by BATified2023: 4:21pm On Apr 11, 2023 |
BrighterThanDay: As a child from a broken home, I saw marriage as my happy ending of finally having a home filled with love and mutual understanding. After the death of my mom, growing up with my dad and stepmom was hell. I was treated as a stranger in my own home, so I thought starting my own family will be a lot better.
After I completed my education and got a good job. I had a lot of suitors willing to settle down with me. Most of them were rich and accomplished men, but there was no spark, I felt they weren't genuinely in love with me, and since I was never a materialistic person, I turned them down. I get easily content with what I have and I spend prudently. Then I met my husband. It happened that I was his crush back then in school, in fact, he even approached me as a student then, but I turned him down because I knew where I was coming from and I never wanted to gamble with my studies, it was my only hope to leave my father's house and fend for myself.
Fast forward to when I met my husband after school. He didn't even have a good job. But I could tell I meant a great deal to him, we'll speak for hours on the phone. I fell hopelessly in love with him, I could already picture a happy home with him and our kids. Then he proposed, and I accepted. I met his family, they were nice on the first visit.
After the introduction ceremony with my family, I started noticing certain things. I was taking pictures with his phone when I saw a message from his mom telling him I'm a stranger and he shouldn't allow me to come between them. I was surprised and wondered where all this was coming from, I asked him and he reassured me that it was nothing.
Then his father told me that hope I know that a son should love and care for his parents more than his kids. I kept pondering this statement. Then the worse of it all was his married sister, she hasn't even met me, but she rained insults and abuses on me on his phone and why he needs to make money first and allow his family to enjoy his money, before getting married. She said I was old, and just forcing him to marry me. I was just 26 then, but my education was very fast.
I had to speak to her dad about this and he cautioned her. I tried speaking to her myself but she rained insults again on me. I called off the wedding at a point but my then-fiance begged and involved my brother and so we went on with the wedding preparations. The wedding went well and his entire family stayed with us for a week before leaving.
My husband got a good job, I was working, we were fine and money wasn't our problem. A few months later, my father-in-law died. I sent messages and called hubby's siblings to comfort them. I couldn't travel with him immediately due to the nature of my job. I kept calling to check on him and inquire about the traditional rites I might need to be a part of. Hubby said his father was a pastor so he won't need to do anything, while we were yet speaking, his sister who hates me snatched the phone from him and said I have to do this and that or I should pack my things and leave the house and then she shouted at me.
I was so pissed and acted in a way that wasn't right considering that we were all mourning. I sent a message to her, telling her to be nice considering that we are all mourning but if she chooses to continue insulting and humiliating me for no reason, I won't take it. She forwarded the message to the entire family, including uncles, aunts, and grandchildren. On the day of the burial, I was treated as an outcast by the entire family, she told them not to give my birth family food, even though they came bearing gifts and comforting everyone. Hubby had to step in and ask the caterers to serve them.
She kept fighting and shouting at my hubby throughout the burial and tried denying him of things he was supposed to do as the first son and child. I was humiliated and she kept castigating my name and insulting me to hearings of everyone. I wasn't even allowed to eat. I was quiet all through, when family members were asked to sit behind the corpse, she asked me to excuse them.
For fear of my life after the burial, I had to go lodge in a hotel outside. The next morning she and her brother kept shouting and complaining that why did hubby allow me to lodge and that I should have been with their mom. They continued the humiliation, I couldn't take it anymore or hold back my tears so I left.
Hubby later told me that she held a meeting in my absence with the entire family and told them I'm a bad wife and needs to leave her brother. This was when hubby stood up for me and said I wasn't going anywhere.
Our marriage was never the same. Even when we had our daughter, no one called, hubby was ostracized from his own family and he blamed me sometimes. I couldn't concentrate at work, and my job is performance-based. I was scared that I'll be fired, so I resigned.
Hubby's income wasn't enough to sustain us, so we started facing financial difficulties. He had to even go meet the same sister to borrow money, even though I discouraged it. She always mocked him for it and I had to pay off the loan at a point.
When she saw that we are now broke, she stopped fighting with him and they are on talking terms now, of course, she still wants nothing to do with me. I know that they are family by blood and nothing is too hard to forgive, but each time she calls and they are happily discussing, Ican't help but feel angry for all she has caused us. I'm sometimes tempted to leave this marriage because this is not what I envisaged at all.
My brother is also married and I have never felt the need to interfere in his marriage or fight his wife.
I don't know how long I can continue in this union, even my innocent beautiful daughter is hated by them. your husband no get sense at all The sister is doing all these because she knows your husband na mumu, how can a sister have so much influence on him n the entire family like that? U are not d problem here but d foolish husband, either u take it or leave it you will have to leave that mugu one day or they tell him to leave d house for u That guy u call husband no get sense, it’s after u are gone that he will realise his mistake 1 Like |
Re: Marriage Has Failed Me! by Emeka71(m): 4:21pm On Apr 11, 2023 |
BrighterThanDay:
Sincerely I think I over-tolerated them from day one, I saw a family who never wanted their son to get married, because in their terms, they want to enjoy his money first. I wasn't the first he introduced to them, the first girl wasn't working and from all indications she'll be relying solely on him, so she was out rightly rejected. I later found out I was accepted by them due to my status, but they dreaded the fact that he was extremely in love with me and that's where the whole jealousy and envy started. It doesn't make sense to me that I should be insulted by you consistently without provocation just because I'm getting married to your brother. My closest brother, my mom had just the 2 of us before she died and we're very close is also married. It has never crossed my mind to hate or disrespect his wife. I do call her to check on her and she does same. Why is my own case different? Marriage from my side is very expensive but I pleaded with my dad to be considerate with them since my hubby wasn't gainfully employed then, my dad got angry and kept asking me why him? I have supported him with all I've got. I never said my money is my money. So what exactly is their problem? For a Christian family, I never expected this. I just wish I wasn't blinded by love from the onset. I sincerely regret my decision. But you're already in the matter so you must face the matter wholeheartedly. |
Re: Marriage Has Failed Me! by PJtech: 4:21pm On Apr 11, 2023 |
it's well |
Re: Marriage Has Failed Me! by finallybusy: 4:22pm On Apr 11, 2023 |
Good. |
Re: Marriage Has Failed Me! by Nobody: 4:22pm On Apr 11, 2023 |
CeeJeckydivah:
This is weird. But i think your husband and sister might have been incest. This is really weird. But it could be a possibility. The sister front at this point is just ridiculous. No basis of hatred just pure hatred. Nah something is fishy.
Also go get another job abeg. Put in the effort to make your marriage work. Trust me, If it will it will. If it won't it won't. Learn & move on.
Dem no tie you & someone's destiny together. I queried this same thing you said, because even my brother said the same thing. I jokingly asked hubby one day and he said it never happened. Mehn the hatred started before she even met me. |
Re: Marriage Has Failed Me! by djon78(m): 4:23pm On Apr 11, 2023 |
zed7: You want to leave the marriage because of inlaws and not because your husband is the problem? Is that the way it works now?
You need to grow up and grow a thick skin. Many people have it far worse. Some have to live with the husband's family and are maltreated from dusk to dawn. You live alone with your family and you're talking about divorce.
Life is hard, these are some of the challenges of life. As long as your man has your back, you don't have issues. Ignore the family, they'll get tired and come to their senses someday. If we had to run away from every challenge, then we're worse than cowards. The issue is that marriage honestly is complicated. If it's not in law's, it might be a troublesome husband or a troublesome wife. Sometimes I feel that many married people are just covering up or showing all is well. Ever since I got married I have been just looking at the thing like. Although there are some that are lucky, Less stress and wahala for them. |
Re: Marriage Has Failed Me! by FireUpNow(m): 4:23pm On Apr 11, 2023 |
You husband have a big role to play because he hasn't protected you enough and should make sure his family don't interfer with his marriage and wife. I feel your pains sister but you still need to discuss this matter with your hubby. Marriage cones with it's tribulations |
Re: Marriage Has Failed Me! by jaxxy(m): 4:24pm On Apr 11, 2023 |
BrighterThanDay:
Sincerely I think I over-tolerated them from day one, I saw a family who never wanted their son to get married, because in their terms, they want to enjoy his money first. I wasn't the first he introduced to them, the first girl wasn't working and from all indications she'll be relying solely on him, so she was out rightly rejected. I later found out I was accepted by them due to my status, but they dreaded the fact that he was extremely in love with me and that's where the whole jealousy and envy started. It doesn't make sense to me that I should be insulted by you consistently without provocation just because I'm getting married to your brother. My closest brother, my mom had just the 2 of us before she died and we're very close is also married. It has never crossed my mind to hate or disrespect his wife. I do call her to check on her and she does same. Why is my own case different? Marriage from my side is very expensive but I pleaded with my dad to be considerate with them since my hubby wasn't gainfully employed then, my dad got angry and kept asking me why him? I have supported him with all I've got. I never said my money is my money. So what exactly is their problem? For a Christian family, I never expected this. I just wish I wasn't blinded by love from the onset. I sincerely regret my decision. ur got the man u wanted bt not the family members or settings u wanted because u both have different perspectives and u don't know how much they value their 1st son and see u as a threat at 1st meeting. Yes u were accurate with ur analysis they know their brother was stupidly involve with u and that was the kind of man u wanted. their initial reaction to that was to protect him from u or rather from being controlled by u even though ure not that type of person so this was actually a whole big misunderstanding or misconception which got worse bt ur probable offensive response to it. If u has calmed down to allay their fears that u were there to take their son away bt rather they gained a wife rather than lost a son I think things would have improved in ur relationship with his family. Marriage and relationships are work and communication is the most important and underrated thing in marriage. Now everybody is suffering unnecessarily because of bad communication. u lost ur good job and ur husband is struggling. This is not how marriage should be. it should be peaceful no matter the storms outside. Both of u should build each other not get frustrated with each other. I think u have to change abit of ur mentality and reaction even if u don't agree with something. |
Re: Marriage Has Failed Me! by Nobody: 4:24pm On Apr 11, 2023 |
My only advice to you is.. Find yourself a good job and detach yourself from his family forever.. you will find happiness |
Re: Marriage Has Failed Me! by Ethereal0110(f): 4:25pm On Apr 11, 2023 |
Dear sis. You have been asleep spiritually. There are signs you needed to take note of. U ought to have prayed without ceasing. But you allowed the enemy to bring down what you and your husband has built together.
I know it's distressing but don't relax. Trust in God. Develop a thick skin & Ignore your troublers Do it for your family's sake.
Read between these letters There's something I have not written May God give you understanding. 1 Like 1 Share |