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Nairaland Forum / Nairaland / General / Family / I Have A Very Toxic Mother, Please Advice Me (2297 Views)
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I Have A Very Toxic Mother, Please Advice Me by Omotehanny: 11:24pm On Apr 12 |
Hi everyone I'm 28 years of age and I'm female In the book of ephesiand there's a verse that says children should obey their parents , but there is also another verse that says there that [/b]Parents should not provoke their children[b] I'm open to criticism but put yourself in my shoes. My mum is a pastor but at thesame time very very toxic person. My dad (bless his soul) has been seen has a bad person at home, it was not until I started looking at her toxicity apart from me that I knew that my dad wasn't has bad has she painted She does and says everything she feels is favourable to her, then she puts it as that is what God wants. She literally calls herself God most times. Like when she wants you to do what she wants, she will say you are disobeying God that you will die. When I was much younger I had depression which I've not recovered from till today both mentally and physically. I had no belief in myself, neither did I have a personality. It didn't make a sociable person, for example when I have a quarrel with other folks or even my younger siblings I end up crying. She uses words that a mum shouldn't use on her children, she curses her children. She narrates how she has been suffering ti feed you since you were born , how she has clothed you , how she has sent you to you, she will always ask if you can repay her? Like why would she make such statements, did i ask to be born? The one that will baffle you most is that as old as I am, she still physically abused me, she beats me even at this age. Last week she injured me near my eyes and the blood I lost was much. Several times I've wanted to report her but she will later manipulate me with words because she is manipulative also. She acts like okay at times just for you to listen to her , to things that had gone down in her life. But if I tell her things about my life she will use it against me tomorrow. So I usually keep my happenings to myself and just listen to her. It is still her that will be crying and saying that she takes us as friends but we dont tell her about our lives. We are not in contact with our dads family, even her own family because of her as she is fighting them. Ever since childhood she has been narrating bad things about them to us, even encouraged us to not greet them whe they were still living with us in thesame compound.c She fights everybody , even neighbors when she doesnt get what she wants. And the problem is that she is extra toxic to her girl children. My elder has left the house for long and doesn't talk to her at all, she even got married without my mum attending her wedding(me and my elder sister do not share thesame father). She did not attend her mothers burial because of that quarrel she had with her family and she is the first daughter. My younger sister( thesame father) got intentionally pregnant without wedlock just to leave the house. I'm the only girl child at home now and my own level of tocixtiy is just 100 Na me suffer pass everybody. She never listens to anyone or take advice on anyone on how to discipline her children with love and not with violence. She doesn't respect a child. Even tho I give her almost half if my salary every month, she doesnt give me a single respect. She abuses me in front of my younger brothers and their friends. There is nothing I do that pleases her. She will use what has happened for years to still judge you, repition upon repition. She doesnt truly forgive and forget. She expects you to always do everything to her liking, forgetting you are human. She lays false accusers on me when reporting me to people , things I did not even dream of doing. She lies on me. One moments she loved you, the next day she hitting and beating you like a goat. And whether you are wrong or not , after physically and verbally abuse you, she will still expect to kneel down and beg her like God, forgetting she hurt you also. When my dad was still alive, whenever she starts with me my dad will not make a single speech, If he does she will face him head on. She brings her family matter to the church and preaches it like a sermon only for the members to be treating you as a bas person. She made me not to believe in God, I'm just gradually recovering from all those. I've left the house bedorebeause of all these. But she manipulated me into coming back', crying and saying she was not able to wat But honestly, with the way she injured me this last time, I've lost all fear fro her. At this moment we are not crossing paths. When I greet she doesnt answer me, whenever she is praying, she is abusing me saying all sorts of evil in her mouth while praying. Which Christian does that, not to talk of a pastor. Shes still looking for ways to make trouble with me but I'm avoiding her. I don't fear her anymore. She stopped us from wearing jewelry when I was 16, but now she has made me stubborn. I'm wearing jewelry in the house and shes saying all sort of evil against me , but I dont really care I dont think I can continue staying her. The boys dont have much problem with her. She gives them once in a while. But the girls is too frequent. P.s I'm not a bad person, I have never had a fight with anyone before, just misunderstanding here and there which is unevitable. I want to move out, I'm not buoyant enough but as long as I have peace and mental sanity I dont mind. Because even though we resolve It today( which she will make me beg for days as if she is God) . A worse scenario will come up again What do you think? 1 Like |
Re: I Have A Very Toxic Mother, Please Advice Me by TUANKU(m): 11:30pm On Apr 12 |
If what you've posted here is true then i would advice that you move out of the house and live on your own, physical + mental abuse? No one deserves that. You did not mention if you have siblings, if you do then you should also discuss it with them. She is your mother but at this point you have to love her from afar. My opinion. 11 Likes 1 Share |
Re: I Have A Very Toxic Mother, Please Advice Me by BobbieZion(m): 12:20am On Apr 13 |
OP. It is like you where just describing my own situation. Sounds like a narcissist mother. 7 Likes 1 Share |
Re: I Have A Very Toxic Mother, Please Advice Me by JASONjnr(m): 12:25am On Apr 13 |
You claim you earn salary and you give your mother half and she doesn't appreciate it. If you've been getting abused by your mother this long. What's stopping you from saving up to rent a place for yourself? Also, not supporting your mother's actions against you ladies. But your mum must've been going through alot and she doesn't hold them in, but express it through the means you're experiencing. And she's beyond repairs of whatever she's mentally battling with. 3 Likes |
Re: I Have A Very Toxic Mother, Please Advice Me by Alcatel17: 12:57am On Apr 13 |
Omotehanny: Calm down...she is still ur mom n we don't choose d family we were born into....probably she is ur karma from ur previous life sins....just find a way to manage her until u dey buoyant enough 2 move out...keep ur head up girl...cheers |
Re: I Have A Very Toxic Mother, Please Advice Me by Ahmed0336(m): 1:29am On Apr 13 |
U don't have to save much before moving out of the house since you're working. Get an apartment very farrrr from here and make sure you change your phone number. Such people need not to be kept close. No go die before your time all in the name of pleasing a manipulative mother. 5 Likes |
Re: I Have A Very Toxic Mother, Please Advice Me by Sapasenator: 3:15am On Apr 13 |
She is lucky she has someone like you as a child. My parent no dare touch me even as a teenager. If I were her child, life go done tire am as I can't be manipulated and I don't forgive. In my dictionary, forgiveness is a sign of weakness. At 28, a you f kidding me. Get you own house and leave that woman alone before she destroys the little that is left of your self esteem. Abi you wan carry belle commot for house ni! 2 Likes |
Re: I Have A Very Toxic Mother, Please Advice Me by michlins(m): 3:36am On Apr 13 |
No disrespect to anyone but religion has been a manipulative tool. It's only a very few people have been able to remove themselves from the shackles. I didn't read everything but I think I have an idea of the kind of mother she has. Marrying this girl will be a terrible path cause she will be under the crim of the mother. God bless your soul my dear but you're in a very long thing 5 Likes |
Re: I Have A Very Toxic Mother, Please Advice Me by Yashita: 4:42am On Apr 13 |
You're in a terrible situation. My dear, ladies in their teens travel away from home (school/work route) and they are living fine funding their own bills. It's time for you to make your own move. 28 years old, you're not too young to rent your own apartment even if na small self-con 1 Like |
Re: I Have A Very Toxic Mother, Please Advice Me by beekind: 5:27am On Apr 13 |
@op I can very much understand your situation, just like my own mom too, very abusive and toxic. The funny thing is that those that did not experience this and have great mothers will soon appear to judge you and tell you that she is your mother so she is a saint and should be tolerated. I know how terrible maternal abuse can be, I have sufferred from it and still suffering from it. Like your mom too, mine is a "supposed" pastor. Almost wants to make Christianity look terrible, but there are great mothers who are CHristians too. My advise to you is to focus on finding a good man, someone who will love you enough to make you forget all the abuse you have sufferred . I wish you goodluck. 3 Likes |
Re: I Have A Very Toxic Mother, Please Advice Me by Intergrated: 5:29am On Apr 13 |
Your mum needs to check her self in the hospital. She has a mental disorder. As for you you better run away from home 28years and you think you are a baby. 3 Likes |
Re: I Have A Very Toxic Mother, Please Advice Me by pretydiva(f): 5:48am On Apr 13 |
Have you had a one on one discussion with her? If you haven't pls do. Politely tell her how her behavior and attitude towards you has greatly affected you. Just pour your heart to her and make sure you leave no details If after this no changes, then I will advice you go look for accommodation very far from her. As your sanity is very Paramount |
Re: I Have A Very Toxic Mother, Please Advice Me by beekind: 6:00am On Apr 13 |
pretydiva:You don't seem to understand that these kind of people never change. infact, any attempt to have any conversation will result into more problem as she will manipulate the situation and turn in around into an abusefest. One thing we seem to not realise is that most Nigerians are abusers in one form or the other, it's just that most people do not abuse their famiiies but only abuse others. The police, army, civil servants, food sellers, politicians etc are all normal Nigerians who take their turns at every opportunity to abuse fellow citizens. We have a terrible culture of abuse that's so ingrained in our dna that it's impossible for many to even realise they are abusers, unlike doing it to others the op's mom is doing it to her own family, thats what makes it kinda different but most Nigerians are as terrible as the ops mom too. 7 Likes 1 Share |
Re: I Have A Very Toxic Mother, Please Advice Me by MOG6670(m): 6:07am On Apr 13 |
BobbieZion:how do you deal with her attitude toward u? |
Re: I Have A Very Toxic Mother, Please Advice Me by MOG6670(m): 6:10am On Apr 13 |
Alcatel17:haha head cannot be kept up in this very sitaution dear. Depression! I fear this very word 1 Like |
Re: I Have A Very Toxic Mother, Please Advice Me by Saynoomore: 6:27am On Apr 13 |
beekind: Perfect! @OP, what are you still doing in your mum's house at 28? Please even if it means teaming up with a friend (although it's better you maintain a personal space by renting alone), find and rent a decent studio room apartment and leave your mum's house. When you've all left (including the boys), her eyes go clear and you'll see humility. 2 Likes |
Re: I Have A Very Toxic Mother, Please Advice Me by Omotehanny: 6:49am On Apr 13 |
Thanks everyone Moving out has always crossed my mind but when I go to meet people for advice, they always tell me to bear. That staying alone as a lady does not paint a good picture of me. But it's getting out of hand year by year. And most times I emotionally immature but I just cover myself up for people not to understand anything about me She said when she gave birth to me she died and woke up. Is that why shes treating me with extra wickedness. Sometimes she even says I came into this world to kill her but her head was stronger than mine that is why she came back |
Re: I Have A Very Toxic Mother, Please Advice Me by Kobojunkie: 6:54am On Apr 13 |
Omotehanny:Leave and never look back! You will just continue fighting a losing battle if you stay. ![]() Your mother is a typical Christian pastor, by the way. Don't leave this one at home only to then fall into the hands of another one after that. Run far, far away from Christians, including their pastors, if indeed peace of mind is what you seek. ![]() 2 Likes 1 Share |
Re: I Have A Very Toxic Mother, Please Advice Me by MOG6670(m): 6:55am On Apr 13 |
You said u are 26 in that other thread of jewelries and now u are 28. |
Re: I Have A Very Toxic Mother, Please Advice Me by tommy589(m): 7:25am On Apr 13 |
Run! |
Re: I Have A Very Toxic Mother, Please Advice Me by Mindlog: 8:01am On Apr 13 |
You allowed yourself to continue being your mother's toy, poked whenever she feels like experiencing a rush in the head. She messed you up to the extent that you developed dependency on her toxicity thus always feeling stuck and then guilty, when you question your reality. Your mother is a religious narcissist , applying religious guilt as explained thus: "A powerful tool in the hands of religious narcissistic parents is religious guilt. They deftly use religious doctrine to guilt their kids into obeying or to shame them into apologizing for voicing their own opinions or challenging parental authority. Children suffer from an oppressive sense of duty and internal conflict as a result of being divided between their own needs and the expectations placed on them".. Your mother has some psychological issues that needs the help of a professional therapist to process, the spiritual gaslighting she takes pride in, would be her end. Move out of that house but I doubt you would. You need the shift into freedom, make it happen. 2 Likes 1 Share |
Re: I Have A Very Toxic Mother, Please Advice Me by NeoWanZaeed(m): 8:22am On Apr 13 |
Omotehanny: Move out and have peace. Visit her once a while and send her money and gifts If you die, your mama go continue her life 1 Like |
Re: I Have A Very Toxic Mother, Please Advice Me by Jewessgratitud3: 8:29am On Apr 13 |
Hmm.. op you're wrong!!!! Very wrong. Now let me start with your age. At 28 you shouldn't be living under your parents. You should be responsibly and independently living on your own. You shouldn't be there stressing that old woman with your "I'm a big girl and no body can control me attitude " that is what your attitude smell of and what your mother perceives that makes her treat you the way she does. For Christ sakes if you're a big girl then leave and go be on your own where no one will control you but as long as you're still under her roof you'll live by her rules and regulations. See, all mothers are like that but your character will determine the degree of that trait in them. If your mothers "africnaness is raised to power 2 then you are the problem. We all managed ours like that and never saw it as anything; today we are the better for it.. See they are trying to protect you and that's their own way of doing so but you will not know now. ok, imagine what your sister did.. got pregnant out of wedlock, which mother will be happy about that? The other one got married without her consent and you think she'll want you to end like them. What your sisters did has intensified what was already on ground and made her more strict to you because she doesn't want you to end up that way. Seems you and your sisters have eyes for worldly things but feel caged by her for not letting you operate with that hand. Ok, Why is she not like that to the boys? Because boys can't get pregnant and bring her Shame exactly what she's guarding against. Op, can't you see.? When they are telling you people now it will look as if they hate you, they're toxic and all that but when it happens now, you'll remember you have a mother somewhere. Your mother is no different from most African mothers only that she added strictness to hers due to her religious position and now see what your sisters did.... ![]() I left my parents house at the age of 26, a year after my Mom died. If she was alive she won't allow me, that tells you they are simply protecting you. when I was leaving I told my dad and he gave me his blessings but while I was home before my mom died 2 years before I left she did all those mother things but I never saw it as anything or thought of running away from the house... Things were different back then and children were more respectful who know wetin bible talk then but see now you started by quoting the scriptures to justify yourself. To me thats rude. No problem with knowing your right but children of nowadays na I too know dey kill una. Quote bible , quote law to justify every action no room for moral justifications any more and that is why we have so many broken marriages because we come too know law pass ourselves. Humble yourself or leave that old woman before you give am bp biko. Ask your brothers how they are getting along with her. You are stubborn and feel nobody can control you under person roof o. Abeg commot there, make you go test outside small and see. See how you painted your mother bad all through but you didn't even mention one single error you did. Saint Obi. Mtchew. 1 Like |
Re: I Have A Very Toxic Mother, Please Advice Me by Automolite: 8:53am On Apr 13 |
@Op..na u go make me comment today, and I go dey frank U be 28 like this, u go soon knack 30. Exactly when u wan take charge of ur life?. Abi u dey wait for ur mama to kick bucket before u get freedom. U think say ur siblings wey run comot for house no get reason? Las Las, this journey in life na personal race. Nobody get right to hold u back or decide ur future. If u know wetin good for u, better make some drastic decisions in ur life and no look back. After more than 20yrs, ur mama no go change anytime soon oh. Better begin plan ur life oooooooooo 1 Like |
Re: I Have A Very Toxic Mother, Please Advice Me by beekind: 9:24am On Apr 13 |
Jewessgratitud3:This is the kind of ignorant comment I was talking about . Read Genesis 27 (excerpts below) and tell me what Esau did for his own mother to have connived with his younger brother to deny him of his birthright. There are evil people and an evil woman will not suddenly become a great mother... The fact others are putting up with her abuse does not mean the op should as well...
3 Likes |
Re: I Have A Very Toxic Mother, Please Advice Me by Jewessgratitud3: 9:35am On Apr 13 |
beekind: Are both scenarios the same? This Gen z lack respect and the only thing they see when being corrected is attack. Wetin concern Esau for this matter? Pikin wey "too sabi". Na the thing wey dey kill una be that. Did you look at it from the angle that Esau was cursed by God from birth " Jacob I love, Esau I hate " meaning everything and every one will will work against him abi Op, God curse you from birth? ![]() See as you just carry illustration wey no correlate with ops case gbosa for ground and una dey claim say una too know. Hian! O! |
Re: I Have A Very Toxic Mother, Please Advice Me by LandMann: 9:38am On Apr 13 |
Your mother will never change. Her behaviour towards you will destroy your personality and you'll become worse than her when you finally have your own family. Your best strategy now is to distance yourself from her and start getting mental help immediately to clean yourself from the hate and negativity she has fed your soul. Go and rent a place of your own. Move out without a fight. Just keep your distance and give her respect and love from a distance if you like. I just hope you listen to what people are saying before you end up damaging yourself and passing on the hate and negativity and bitterness to others, especially your child or children or boyfriend or husband in future. |
Re: I Have A Very Toxic Mother, Please Advice Me by truespeak: 9:46am On Apr 13 |
Jewessgratitud3: When you see comments like this, op just know that the person speaking is as evil as your mother. See defence of mama! Nothing on the evil (if Una like call am toxic, I like to say things as they are) mama but blames on the poor girl! You evil die. Thank God you are removing your womb, you are not fit to bear children and God will give you none. 3 Likes |
Re: I Have A Very Toxic Mother, Please Advice Me by truespeak: 9:53am On Apr 13 |
@ op You are 28 means you know why your mother treats you, the girls differently from the boys. Your sins are still small compared to her numerous multitudes of sins and being a female, you condemn her even more. My mother was exactly like yours till I dumped her evil ass and moved on, with God on my side. I thank God for who I am today and I bet you have not suffered even half of what mine did to me, mine tried killing me severally but God saved me So you know what to do or not to do. It's up to you because I know you just came to lament and let off steam. |
Re: I Have A Very Toxic Mother, Please Advice Me by AcadaWriter: 10:14am On Apr 13 |
Run! |
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