spank him to death or possibly till he realize his mistakes and ready to correct them.

These things happen. Sometimes because of wrong choices, sometimes because of sheer misfortune or ill-luck. It's no use blaming the boy or blaming his parents. Besides, I don't think it is fair for anyone to suggest that he should be thrown out of the house just because, at 24, he is supposedly old enough to be independent. Things don't alwats work that way, much less in Nigeria. It is talk like this that pushes young men into crimes such as 'Yahoo Yahoo' or even armed robbery and other violent criminal activity (and for the girls, 'Aristo runs', prostitution and whatnot). You can't force 'independence' down a yong person's throat when he or she is clearly not sufficiently equipped and ready to earn a legitimate living. Doing that might have disastrous and regrettable consequences. The fact that some of us graduated at 16, got a job at 18. And became millionaires at 20 does not mean that we should so arrogantly measure others by our own lucky (yes, lucky) standards. We all have different paths in life, and that's just how God made it to be.

@ OP.
The solution is to send him abroad, if you have the resources. At least it is easier to get a 'menial' job' there with which he can support himself while schooling. Achieving independence in Europe and America is waaaaaay easier than it is in Nigeria. I know, because I've personally seen even worse cases than your son (supposed loafers and ne'er do wells) who have managed to make something decent of their lives when they left the shores of this country.

If, however, the overseas option seems difficult for you, then it might be best to enrol him in a private university close to home. Without meaning to sound derogatory to those affected, it is much easier to scale through a private university with less than average intelligence and/or seriousness/diligence and graduate with a decent 2.2 at least. Ss long as he doesn't engage in disruptive or violent activities in any of such schools, then the chances of being withdrawn are quite low. He should be able to graduate from any of these schools with your loving support. Who knows, he might yet discover himself along the line and prove to be a genius and a surprising late-starter. Examples abound. I've long learnt not to write off anyone, no matter how hopeless their case may seem.

Best of luck.

I envy your son oh. At 24 parents are still taking care of him and some people even suggested monitoring him in school, physically checking to see whether he attends school or not. He is really a blessed boy. I will just make a general comment and not advise because I dont have a 24 year old son yet. I dont think monitoring him around will do any good or sending him oversea or any other fantastic places will do him any my good. People change because they want to change not because you shower them more love or money but they see the reasons for change. This reason can occur in many forms maybe councelling, motivation, hardship or even rejection etc but you know your son best so you will know what will work. He need to decide for himself what he really want, good if he wants to go to open university but this is only a part time so he should be able to do some work to cater for himself in a way no matter how little this income his. Wealth kids need to be thought the immortance of working for money and should not just see money as an errand tool. I doubt if he will change for good if you pump more money into his life. If you have to send him abroad UK, Cyprus or whatever do not have all his expensed covered by you let him be responsible for a simple parts.

Does he want to get into the academic part or you just want the prestige like most nigerian parent. Having a university degree is great but is not the end of the world. It is interesting I am making up some of his character because you did not share much apart from he lied.

Another aspect you might need to look at is maybe your son is just lazy and he is only fooling himself by lying.

I envy your son oh because I know that he has a good inheritance so life will always be good to him even after ,

@Outstrip
You do not need to be rude na. How can you say of a mother of 7 asking for advise: "The parents are not serious minded either". It's all the more painful because YOU ARE WRONG!

I have been a lecturer for a few years now (ahem) and I can count on my digits the number of parents that have actually come up to me for regular updates of their children's performance , especially in cases like these in which the child seems OK academically (note his WAEC and UME results?). So please get off your high horse. If you have advice, spill it, if not, leave things you know little about alone.

@OP
People have tried to be helpful but please note this: we are all trying to psychoanalyze a boy based on a few paragraphs of info. We're basically shooting in the dark, I will try to be brief because this subject is one that usually requires long discussions with academic advisers.

1. You should not force your child to do something he does not like
2. However, sometimes, due to the wisdom that comes from being older, you may "know" that a particular path he is treading is not as good as alternatives (for example, if you ask me, for reasons I can't go into now, Open university is not a good idea)
3. In such situations, if you try to convince him by yourself, he won't bulge. You will risk pushing him away from you.
4. I suggest you find someone in academic or IT circles that he respects or could respect. instead of advising him yourself, help yourself by trying to make sure that at least he's listening to advise from people who  know what they are talking about.
5. His case is not as unusual as you (or he!) might think
6. Whatever else you do, try to avoid either of two extremes: pushing him away or making every talk a change "to help him repair his life" VERSUS pretending everything is rosy and completely avoiding the issue. He's no kid, and will hate either extrems.
7. Once again, nobody would hope to offer mush help on this kind of issue using a few paragraphs. I have engaged students on similar discussion for months and even after that, success is unfortunately not assures.
8. Best of luck.  I admire you for looking for help for your kid in every possible forum. Keep at it, and he WILL thank you for it WHEN (not if!) he makes it.

Stranger things have happened madam. I had an elder brother, the first child who was expelled frm Uni for cultism. My dad is a military man and said he would shoot my brother anytime he sets eyes on him and he meant it.

My bro left home and went to stay with friends.He started doing clerical work like shop assistant, working in biz centers etc. we didn't see him for yrs and my mum was worried to death. then there was no GSM.

Anyway, he sponsored himself to do another degree in Buisness Mgt. Got a fantastic result and got scholarship to do a Masters in US. today he has a Ph.d and is a top shot lecturer in the US.
He always thanks my dad for sending him away frm home and says he learnt life the hard way and he is happy for it. he sends my parents for vacation every yr in the US and recently bought the old man a brand new car.

My point is that u shld not treat ur son with kid gloves, u end up spoiling him. Let him fend for himself. By the way, must we all go to sch? Let him learn a trade. Many of these Alaba boys who never saw a Secondary Sch are mega biz men today.

i blame the nigerian university system for this. . . . . it's epileptic. the access to information is zero. students don't even have school accounts where parents can log in and see their progress in the schools. the posters blaming the parents are a tad idiotic. many of these children school out of state. when exactly are these parents meant to travel hundreds of miles to the school to find out how grown-ups are doing?

parents have to work everyday to bring money home to pay fees and handout pocket money to the kids. most parents also have junior siblings they have to attend to all the time. parents cannot be everywhere and any one older than 18 is an adult who must take responsibility for his/her own actions.

I don't mean to be harsh but I think at 24 he should know whats best for him
if he succumb to lying all these years about him being in school I think you guys have played your part as to being a parent
Now its his choice to find what to do with his life, what about the continuous fee that was given to him all thru while he was busy lying? he squandered it I guess

It is said if one can't stand other peeps laughing at you then be prepared to be cried at

@ OP well, can u just try and watch this Mount Zion Film Tittled "SUNSET AT NOON" this film just described your son accurately . am sure it will guide u on next action to take on your wayward son.

@ Overwhelmed, i am sorry to hear of your son's behavior. From what you say, he isnt showing much remorse which i think is sad considering all that you and your husband have done for him. He also needs to be held accountable, so for instance what did he do with all that money.

I  honestly don't think that sending him abroad is a good idea. If he was able to deceive his parents while in Naija, what about when he is abroad where there are alot of distractions and more freedom. Mind you it costs alot to school abroad and the cost o living is also crazy. Are you willing to put in all that money just to have him waste it again?

I think that for whatever it is worth:

1. he first needs to show adequate remorse for his deeds.
2. He needs to take some kind of responsibility by showing initiative. Let him get a part time job, or enroll in some kind of classes by himself, paid for by him. The parents can support once they see a good sign of dedication and commitment.
3. Sending him abroad is like a slap to his siblings who have so far been responsible in school. It is like you are rewarding him for bad behavior.

The consequences of his actions are far reaching and remember he is not the only child. The decisions you make concerning him will also have an impact on his siblings.

goodluck and God bless.

@overwhelmd, this was my younger brother story that seems adapted by you. He was admitted to a university and dropped himself out in year 3 like your son. Though he wanted to study medicine but missed two admission because of the cut-off marks and was force to take the alternative. Yes, we decided for him. But we never knew our action then was wrong but we were sincere to let him not get frustrated seeing his mates in university already. But we were wrong as he did dropped out in year 3. We got to know about his failing when his name was not on the graduation list. We visited the university and got to know he has dropped out of school, despite well above average grades he has achieved. He agreed to go back after the family pressure, again we were wrong as he dropped-out after few weeks. He was called and asked what he wanted. In fact, his plight was understood when he spoke with we boys (myself and our elder brother). He said he wanted to catchup and need our help. He opted for professional certification in IT. We rally round him and sent him off to India for the programme.
To God be the glory, he did his CCIE early this year in Belgium but failed it. He has been practising for over 5 years now as IT professional in Nigeria. Well comfortable, married, nice ride and he is raising his shoulder high now. We are proud of him as I write now. This is my experience as it happened to my blood brother. Don't dictate to him, show love, concern for his future and he will see you as partner in progress. Never make our mistake so that you are on track at once. I wish you well and all the family. May God crown your efforts.

Was ur son expelled 4rm school due to exam cheat or cult activities? Has he truly realised his mistakes & changed? Hw serious is he in d open university proposal it doesnt take long as u might think? Do u have the financial ability to successfully train him abroad & nt to just send him there becoz its getting ever expensive,unemployment rate is increasing world over and the recession in europe & USA, is getting worse? What does ur son desire to be in life ; has he made the decision? Is he a smart kid wit prospects or does he appear bullish,sturborn and rebellous? what did he use all those monies he collect 4rm u guys those yrs for? Ur ability to wisely answer these questions wld guide u on ur next line of action.Also, never give up on him and u might want to consider the open university thing (registration is currently on) cos it wld give him much time & flexibility to do several certification programmes at the same time as it wil give great advantage here in naija.

@op I'd like be a friend of your son. I am a guy of 25 yr's with a 2:1 degree in elect elect eng and passed out of NYSC last june. Presently I am preparing seriously for my CCIE (the highest cert in the cisco line) although I have my CCNA and CCNP already I teach cisco courses in an Indian institute here in nigeria. I feel since your son's dream is to pursue cisco and that is exactly what I am good at and we are about the same age it might be easier for somebody like me to catch his attention. He is going thru serious depression right now and what he needs is some one who he can trully pour his heart to. His case is quite delicate I hope he does not resort to suicide just don't push him too much. If you feel I could help drop ur mail and I'll reach you.

Was ur son expelled 4rm school due to exam cheat or cult activities? Has he truly realised his mistakes & changed? Hw serious is he in d open university proposal it doesnt take long as u might think? Do u have the financial ability to successfully train him abroad & nt to just send him there becoz its getting ever expensive,unemployment rate is increasing world over and the recession in europe & USA, is getting worse? What does ur son desire to be in life ; has he made the decision? Is he a smart kid wit prospects or does he appear bullish,sturborn and rebellous? what did he use all those monies he collect 4rm u guys those yrs for? Ur ability to wisely answer these questions wld guide u on ur next line of action.Also, never give up on him and u might want to consider the open university thing (registration is currently on) cos it wld give him much time & flexibility to do several certification programmes at the same time as it wil give great advantage here in naija.

remt a shop for him at alaba,

@ OP you chose for your son and it failed, then listen to what he wants.
He wants to go to open university and duration is long. No problem, you need to let him understand that you have no problem with what he wants, but he needs to support himself truout when he starts the open university since he misused the opportunity given to him once. You can assist him to gain entrance into  NOUN and pay 1st session but from from then he is on his own.
There are jobs out there for School cert. holders, you can advice him to get some skills to add to his resume, to get a good pay to support himself.

Well, I hope the boy isn't on drugs (marijuana et al) cos that will make it a medical problem.
If there are no drugs and he is just confused about his future kindly find out what he wants and negotiate the best options with him. Let him see reasons with you rather than imposing. However make him know that this is last chance. If he blows it, he'll be sent to the village or open a phone booth for him.
Also since he's getting aggressive I suggest you speak to a counsellor so he doesn't get suicidal or do something silly.

@op, i think he has learnt from his mistakes by now. Discuss his open uni choice with him and tell him your fears (maybe he's considering the stress of UME and UTME), also give him options of part-time programmes and schools away from home (whether in a diff state or country). He would definitely make up his mind and when he does, try to get the contact of at least one lecturer or the HOD who'll keep you updated.
A lot  of people have made these kind of mistakes and have come out better when given another chance.

This is what happens when parents or wards pass Waec and Jamb by all means and thru various short cuts. They now enter the university thinking to pass thru the University by the same means but they are left out when they are not able to cope.

@post pls sorry, its your cross carry it

If you send him abroad, WOuld you also be sending school fees to him? If someone can blow his fees in nigeria where his parents live a few hours away from what would he do abroad.

Make em go lern mechanic or welder. School is not meant for everyone he should learn a trade and earn a living with such

@overwhelmed, i've read through all the responses and i believe there are enough good ideas there to turn your son's situation around. I would suggest he goes for the Cisco Certifications. He can bag his CCNA and CCNP under 12 months with adequate prep. Goodluck.

@OP, you should try and find out bout if he's a cult member, this prevent students of nowadays from schooling

@ OP this is one reply U should not ignore because if he was a member, and probably have committed some unforgiven offenses, then you better send himout of this country and pray for him, Because whatever school he goes to as long as Nigeria is concern, they will keep hunting him down and frustrating him.  which may be one of the reason he's refusing to go back cos[b] HE KNOWS THE RULES.[/b]

Hey @OP, Ur Son is tired of University. Chikenna!
Focus on his Siblings abeg.

Fancier:


@ OP this is one reply U should not ignore because if he was a member, and probably have committed some unforgiven offenses, then you better send himout of this country and pray for him, Because whatever school he goes to as long as Nigeria is concern, they will keep hunting him down and frustrating him.  which may be one of the reason he's refusing to go back cos[b] HE KNOWS THE RULES.[/b]

He can still attend Nigerian University, irespective of how actively he was involve with cult, all he need to do is keep a low profile, he can even join campus fellowship.

I feel for the poster, I have a brother like that. but we thank God he is through with law school at almost 30yrs of age. And we are still taking care of him, while looking for what he will do.

prof.femi:

@Outstrip
You do not need to be rude na. How can you say of a mother of 7 asking for advise: "The parents are not serious minded either". It's all the more painful because YOU ARE WRONG!

Thanks Prof for correcting the "rude thing"

@OP
You have done well Lady. You can still do better, don't relent. By God, grace all will be well dear

Madam, i suggest u and yr husband have a sit down with yr son,most HR personnel in nigeria nowadays even complain that graduates nowadays are not employable, most graduates even finish school and are confused about where to go in life because the situation outside school is different from wat they expect,,so since yr son had a flair for networking ,i suggest u enroll him in one of the best in lagos and let him do his professional exams [CCNA  ]i guarantee u the sky will be his limit after he is through. Also he can still go to school by doing diploma courses while doing professional courses or u can apply for schools online e.g http://www.homelearningcollege.com if all these fails send him to me let me teach him to be useful to the society,

DAMN. Nigerian parents, y'all need to start taking lessons from the rest of the world seriously. I never understood how all these agbayas hit 30 in their mama and papa house still dey proud dey give orders around.

At 24, dude is MUCH too old to still be babied. I'm surprised you guys even were still giving him chance to start acting out and being mean to younger ones. It's like he feels he has some sort of right due to being "offended" by his parents. Are you training up a man or a soon-to-be-grey-haired teenager?  

He has shown his style. Such can only be trained by giving them to LIFE to beat the shege out of them. Only then can he appreciate what you are trying to do for him.
Take your pride out of it, cuz I know Nigerian parents love to compare their children to others' and feel bad if their children are fairing less than Mr & Mrs Ojo's med-school son. He's not living your life, He's living his. You have tried for him. Let him start to WORK for anything you give him so he understands that nothing in life comes free and easy. Stop over-protecting your children from the consequences of their actions. As long as it doesn't kill them, it will make them better, stronger and more mentally sane.

I see these type of guys when they manage come to yankee. Totally dependent and useless.
Never remembering the 100 you do for them, but would plague your life because they helped you do one miniscule thing because they count the other things u did for them as "part of life" or something  .

hmmm @ poster, u see, its a simple matter really,,all ur son needs is inspiration, motivation, i think i can do just that by adding him up on facebook, kindly send his fbk details to me or may be take mine, he cud add me up, issues like this must b takin seriously, university degrees are very short,,in 4yrs hes out. but d thought of failings scares d poor boy, dats it, lets allay his fears, he needs to redefine his reading methodologies, i cud help him with dat, trust me, no matter d certifications, first degree is still your value. i mean, ofcause i cud always get a certification after first degree and beat ur son to getting d job, cos my first degree reads "FIRST CLASS ", WHAT R WE TALKING ABOUT, 24 is still youthful, tell d young man to add me up, we need to get talking, by d way am just a fresh grad, first class actually, so u av no need to fear.cheers.

Madam, I know you must have gone through a lot over your son’s issue as regards his academics and his resent attitude.

This is not what you can approach with anger or harsh. This is what you have to handle with care. Try as much as possible to show him love and care. Remind him that all what you wanted from him was for his future. Try shower him with love and when you find out his best mood, ask him the reasons for his action. Do not castigate him because any harsh approach could lead him to commit either murder to hsi sibblings or to commit suicide to himself, which I pray he should not go extreme.

First, pray for him and fast along. He is an adult and if he is in his good mood, try talk to him to follow you to the church. If you are a Christian, I employ you to take him to the Synagogue Church of All nations for deliverance because it could be that he must have been demonized through some kind of relationship during his University days. He is your son and you know what it took you 9 months to bring him to this world and also to have trained him to this age.  Also you know your son’s attitude before he entered into the University, and also most of his actions now. It could be as I said, that he is not in his right senses as a result of most of his actions when he was away from home. Let God help you cos I have kids and can understand your feelings. DO NOT push him away.
If this guy is not delivered, even if you invest your billions on him, he will not get things right. God will help you in this situation.

let him go back to skool afterall some his mates are still struggling for admission