Shock:

When you say
.

are you implying that she does nothing and simply wait till the dude realizes what an agabaya he's become?  not minding things may be too late for all parties concerned to do anything about?

I understand and respect the principle of each individual to his own life, but one must question the sanity of spending 24 years bringing up a man and then leaving them to become social misfits, all because you want life to teach them lessons.  I have met those who got taught by "life" and whose lives changed negatively forever for that.  Any reasonable parent will continue to explore all means possible to bring out the best in their children, babies or grown men.

Easy to say you don't you think?  Put it how you like, but if the children you've raised are social misfits, then you've failed.  There's absolutely no pride in watching 24 years of work touting away in the streets or spending the rest of his life, merely getting by.


Like it or not, the dude knows fully well the likely effect of his choices.  He has likely thought about it many a dozen times--- he likely knows he's wasted his life----he likely knows he's disappointed his parents----i doubt if he's throwing parties as we speak----he's likely contemplate his future.  The problem of course is that he's got no clue where to begin from or how to begin , if anything, i doubt if "giving him space to grow" will bring by any positive result for anyone

My simple point is this: NAGGING cannot, has never, and will never solve anything.
It's a woman thing. Y'all never seem to get it that it doesn't work on males (A habit brought about by womens' innate need to talk).
It never worked on me, never worked on my dad, and it won't work on something as serious as what this young lad is going through.
If at all, you might actually make things worse.

Whatever that will work though would certainly be based around Giving him the space to make the choice of his next step himself, afterwards he can discuss with you. You can provide guidance, but do not enforce your will. Start talking to him about the expenses he is no doubt incurring from his laying-about or his various sub-par educational schemes.
To complete what her words to him should be is this: "There is nothing more I can tell you that you don't already know regarding this situation. I will not nag you. Not about this. It is your life. When you have something to discuss with us, let us know."
Statements like these pull out the inner man out from your little boy. Nigerian parents lack this skill and instead feel the need to baby their boys to the ground.  Freaking give the boy space to become a man on his own.

Abi tell me: What else can you do but pray?
Woman go have fun with your husband and stop having hypertension. Just DON'T NAG.

2buff:

My simple point is this: NAGGING cannot, has never, and will never solve anything.
It's a woman thing. Y'all never seem to get it that it doesn't work on males (can't call him a man yet).
It never worked on me, never worked on my dad, and it won't work on something as serious as what this young lad is going through.
If at all, you might actually make things worse.

Whatever that will work though would certainly be based around Giving him the space to make the choice of his next step himself, afterwards he can discuss with you. You can provide guidance, but do not enforce your will. Start talking to him about the expenses he is no doubt incurring from his laying-about or his various sub-par educational schemes.
To complete what her words to him should be is this: "There is nothing more I can tell you that you don't already know regarding this situation. I will not nag you. Not about this. It is your life. When you have something to discuss with us, let us know."
Statements like these pull out the inner man out from your little boy. Nigerian parents lack this skill and instead feel the need to baby their boys to the ground.  Freaking give the boy space to become a man on his own.

What else can you do but pray?
Woman go have fun with your husband and stop having hypertension. Just DON'T NAG.

I agree with this view.  Nagging never works for me either.

@madam poster,
its actually sad that some people here who have no experience in life or anything important are here running there mouth and castigating u and ur husband.
some say u did not check up on him in school and his level of progress, but we have seen people who went to the university from parents who can not identify A.
some say u did not bring him up well, how many of us lived a perfect life ?
i can assure if most parents found out what most of us did during our university days they might die from the shock.
u son made a choice , even u had shed ur blood it might not make any difference.
experience in life only makes us stronger. give him hope , give him a second chance, love him, support him , but always remember to tell him the truth. it might be difficult for him to understand now but he will be erternally grateful in a few years.God guide you.

Cheiii, this Outcast or is it Outstripper of a being or watin den call you? You too stubborn woooo. You no de hear? Na soso everybody de say you wrong for the suggest wey you de give the woman, you no go shutup go de do your mortuary work wey you de do for de oyiboland?  

@outstrip do you know what it takes to raise a child? No u dont. She successfully raised 3 graduates and just cos of a blacksheep amongst her kids u regarded her as a bad parent. When u start ur own parenting i.e if u have not u will see ow easy it is to be a parent

In all these, what is d man (boy) saying? Can't stand people who are too stupid and that is what he was (is). So, if he had continued fooling the parents what would he have become?
Pls, if he is mean to his younger ones, scold him very well. Why should he transfer his frustrations to his siblings? Whatever u decide to do, make sure he has to work part time and fend for himself. Agbaya oshi.

Madam that post this story,


Like me give u my personal experience

I was admitted into a nigerian university to study Agric. Engineering, but for some reasons i had to drop out after 500 level (funny abi ?)

i roam the street o Lagos for about 3 yrs with all sort of thought going thru my mind

but i eventually decide to take another WAEC & JAMB and God was faithful

am writing this from the confines of my office as an accounting graduate (in fact am almost concluding my ACA and M.Sc )

sO am telling you that, there is hope for your son, he just need the following;

1) He need to know God
2)He need to discover that life can go worse for him if he did not take a decision to move forward now
3) He need love but he should not be pampered
4)He need a good friend seriously
5) He really need to run away from self pity ( no one put him in this shoes now, he did that himself so he need to face it)
6) He may really need a counselor


u may want to communicate with me, u can mail me

sto_miracle@yahoo.com

i will be expecting u

You can only force a horse to a river side but can forced the horse to drink. Thank God you have discovered his shandy deal by yourself and you as parent have done what is expected of parent. Your sons attitude, has it change from what you normally known? if yes, try as much as possible to find out within that school if your son is involved in cultism and Thereafter if you are satisfied that he is not involved in cultism. then ascend to his request to study via open university. you cant really tell, may his breakthrough may come through there.

bece:

@outstrip do you know what it takes to raise a child? No u dont. She successfully raised 3 graduates and just cos of a blacksheep amongst her kids u regarded her as a bad parent. When u start your own parenting i.e if u have not u will see ow easy it is to be a parent  

She is a mother of two good looking boys and  I am sure she is busy knacking her husband for baby no2 this minute

I kind of see where she is coming from though, the dad had his doubts but none of them ever bothered to confirm if it is just a mere doubt or hard truth.

I don't know but why do I really feel like this woman would have told her husband to shove it up where the sun don't shine when he approached her with the whole doubt thingy I mean as a mother, if my husband comes to me re issues like these,i will follow it up, it doesn't matter if he is a grown azzed man or not, the issue is this people were wasting money for years and only a phone call to the uni from the comfort of their own home would have stopped all this nonsense, this boy "stole" from his parents in a very wicked way, he gave them hope and dashed it at the last min. I blame him and I also blame his parents.

jennykadry:

She is a mother of two good looking boys and I am sure she is busy knacking her husband for baby no2 this minute

I kind of see where she is coming from though, the dad had his doubts but none of them ever bothered to confirm if it is just a mere doubt or hard truth.

I don't know but why do I really feel like this woman would have told her husband to shove it up where the sun don't shine when he approached her with the whole doubt thingy I mean as a mother, if my husband comes to me re issues like these,i will follow it up, it doesn't matter if he is a grown azzed man or not, the issue is this people were wasting money for years and only a phone call to the uni from the comfort of their own home would have stopped all this nonsense, this boy "stole" from his parents in a very wicked way, he gave them hope and dashed it at the last min. I blame him and I also blame his parents.

Jenny if the man had 'doubts' he should have checked it out himself and not wait for his wife to do the whole thing.

Seriously, I find it difficult to blame these parents. The school is close to home, he had a good academic background, he sounded like a good kid . . .before this whole thing.

In Nigeria, you don't just call a school to find out if your child is still in school. you have to go to the University several times before you finally meet the Dean of SA who will then take his time to go through the 'records' before he comes up with an answer.

Now I'm not saying that that is too much a sacrifice to make, but why should they bother? The guy was a good kid! I doubt they did it for any of the other kids who went to school responsibly and graduated.

Honestly, I can't find it in me to blame the parents!

But seriously, how bad can one's grade get to warrant expulsion

In a University for that matter!

@ Poster . . . . Are you sure he got expelled for bad academic performance? That sounds . . . . . . strange!

UJu if you re-read my post again you will see where I said that "none of them" (mum or dad) ever bothered to find out what was going on. As a parent when you have that strong feeling bugging your mind especially when it concerns or has to do with your child your child, you will want to check it out. Trust me as a parent I know this. Sentiments aside

I know in nig they forge receipts but did he not come home with receipts of his school fees? I am saying this cos my old man still has my primary schools not to talk of uni

Mummy, i understand you more than anyone on this forum! i got admission in 2004 to study accounting in a nigerian university. like ur son, i did not tell my parents. i even went to nysc camp, married university a graduate. by His grace i am back to the same uni studying d same couse (100level). you can contact me through bankubanku76@yahoo.com so that we can discuss how to help ur son. my dad will also be willing to advice him. may ur wishes for him come to pass.

Ujujoan:

But seriously, how bad can one's grade get to warrant expulsion

In a University for that matter!

@ Poster . . . .  Are you sure he got expelled for bad academic performance? That sounds  . . . . .  . strange!

You don't get 'expelled' for bad academic performance in Nigerian universities but you can be 'asked to withdraw' if your grades are consistently rock bottom.

Most people are not asked to withdraw or expelled; they just abandon the discipline and it appears to affect the guys mostly. For the girls they lie that they are in school when they are not and end up being escorts and ushers.

jennykadry:

She is a mother of two good looking boys and  I am sure she is busy knacking her husband for baby no2 this minute

I kind of see where she is coming from though, the dad had his doubts but none of them ever bothered to confirm if it is just a mere doubt or hard truth.

I don't know but why do I really feel like this woman would have told her husband to shove it up where the sun don't shine when he approached her with the whole doubt thingy I mean as a mother, if my husband comes to me re issues like these,i will follow it up, it doesn't matter if he is a grown azzed man or not, the issue is this people were wasting money for years and only a phone call to the uni from the comfort of their own home would have stopped all this nonsense, this boy "stole" from his parents in a very wicked way, he gave them hope and dashed it at the last min. I blame him and I also blame his parents.

Your point is understood but how can you blame parents who want to trust that their child is now a responsible adult? At what point do you think parents can now relax expecting their child to be able to do the right thing without being monitored? This woman has other kids in secondary and primary schools . . . its not far fetched to assume she probably thought she could concentrate her efforts on the younger ones expecting the older siblings to have learned to be responsible.

Like my father would always say - i have 3 kids, if one chooses to be a f00l at least i have 2 who wont. Everyone of us shaped up kia kia.

I also get where you are coming from and I also asked a question earlier, did he not bring back home receipts for his school fees? If no, why didn't they ask for it? David it is the duty of every parent to ask for things like that.

jennykadry:

I also get where you are coming from and I also asked a question earlier, did he not bring back home receipts for his school fees? If no, why didn't they ask for it? David it is the duty of every parent to ask for things like that.

not when that man is expected to be a responsible adult. We are not talking of a 12-yr old here. My parents never asked me for receipts for school fees, project fees e.t.c. My father never once had to come to school to find out if his sons where attending classes or not despite the fact that he knew at least 4 of my lecturers. My mother showed up on rare weekends just to bring me food. At a point a man has to grow up and stop clinging to his mother's apron. i would be thoroughly ashamed at 24 to still have my mother sitting me down to ask me what i wanted to do in life, at that age i was already doing a phd. My parents came to my grad school only once in 5 yrs - for graduation. O pari.
Many children cry about how their parents micro-manage their lives forgetting that trust is earned and not demanded.

IMO the woman should concentrate on the younger 3, she's already raised 3 to graduation . . . 6 out of 7 - the woman don try abeg. No be every pikin go get Bsc.

//

David when one pays thousands of naira in fees, it is their duty to ask for receipts. Asking for it does not mean you don't trust the kids, it's your money and you have the right to know it is used for what it is supposed to be used for. My father used to send me my fees and I would always scan him the receipts, he trusted me but it was only fair for me to show him that every dime he spent on me was used for the right reason.

My father used to visit at least twice a year to check me out and knowhow I was doing, he did the same to my brother who studied in Uniben and one of my sister who school in ABSU. It is his responsibility, you don,t just send them to school and abandon them.

I asked again, for four good years not even once did he show them a receipt and not once did they ask for it. I blame them all, every single one of them. Receipts come in handy a lot of times and that is why when we buy new TV's for example we keep our receipts for warranty purposes

I repeat, the fact that you wanno trust them does not mean you dump them and forget about them and the fact that you ask for receipts does not mean you don't trust them either.

Please do not send him abroad, A once heard an adage that said "a Lizard in Nigeria cannot become an Crocodile Abroad".

You can push him into IT. Take him to colleges such as NIIT, APTECH, NEW HORIZON, FIRST LOGIC who can teach to get certifications in programs and applications such as MAYA, ORACLE, AUTOCAD, PROJECT MANAGEMENT, LINUX, WINDOWS etc.

Infact, if you know the opportunities that bound in IT, you will not fret. Basically, just make sure he is ready to buckle down and once you are sure, send him to an IT school to do a program in line with his skills.

If he loves mathematics, he could do Java or if creative, he could go for Maya or if he loves shapes and angles, he could go for AUTOCAD or data management, he could go for Oracle. The topping is that this colleges have links to universities abroad where he can get a Bsc after getting his certification and submitting a project.

It is even possible for him to start earning money before his other colleagues in school. Afterall, Steve Jobs dropped out.

However, ensure he is not a layabout so that your efforts are not in vain.

May God grant you wisdom

JK,

If a Boy wants to be mischievious no amount of policing can get him.

This is Nigeria, is it that hard to get receipt for fees? or even Statement of results?

None of my parents knew what my department looked like. If you want to go to a nigerian University to ask for your kids progress you are just wasting your time cos the run around they would give you.

I had friends who were not students but still hung around school, Went for lectures, and their parents were completely fooled

DK

the more reason why I asked about the receipts, dayo with thesawy you talk about 50-50, na you go be first to ask for receipts .

I know they forge receipts in nig but come on, not even once?

A person who lied would later carry his cross himself whether he likes it or not. Make the parents go sleep jor!!! they have tried their best for him, oh!!!! did he think he was decieving his parents? i laugh in birom!!! he has just deceived ''himself''. If he knows what is good for him, he should better go back to school! ''pounded yam morsel wey fall inside soup never spoil'', He should just pack or get his poo together and go back to school.

I sympathize with you but I will blame you in one aspect. All those years he was in school did you go to check on him? Did you bother to know one or two oh his friends in the campus. Did you go to check his performance with any of his lecturers?

If you had done one of this things you would have discovered his lies.Many parents just dump their kids in the universities and believe their only duty is to sponsor them.May God help us.Your son needs prayers and serious counseling.God will guide you by his grace on how to help your son find the true purpose of life

What does parenting have to do with a 24 year old agbaya whose mates are already contemplating marriage?

My only slight with the parenting in this case is that he does sound a bit over-sheltered. Personally, I never did understand the concept behind over-sheltering children. Don't you think their consequences can teach them better than your nagging? Don't you have things to do with your husband than shielding your grown-arse-children from the effects of their choices? If they don't feel some of these effects, how will they learn? they then feel whatever foolish thing they do, you will always be there to ride in and rescue them.

This is a very nasty mindset for one who is meant to be a grown-arse man. One you should be discouraging rather than encouraging.
Abi you never talk tire?

2buff:

What does parenting have to do with a 24 year old agbaya whose mates are already contemplating marriage?

My only slight with the parenting in this case is that he does sound a bit over-sheltered. Personally, I never did understand the concept behind over-sheltering children. Don't you think their consequences can teach them better than your nagging? Don't you have things to do with your husband than shielding your grown-arse-children from the effects of their choices? If they don't feel some of these effects, how will they learn? they then feel whatever foolish thing they do, you will always be there to ride in and rescue them.

This is a very nasty mindset for one who is meant to be a grown-arse man. One you should be discouraging rather than encouraging.
Abi you never talk tire?

my brother. gbam! I wonder why the OP is so worried about this one man? He is 24 madam, time to focus on the younger ones. unfortunately he is too old for breast milk.

i like dayokanu and david strictness. hope you both will not be softy with your real life kids kwa.

OP, abt time you hands off. at 17 many here i know are already preparing for AF and Iraq and some are in bootcamp training, some prep for rigorous life of West Point and Anapolis. i like how most here hands off their kids at 18years.

armyofone:

i like dayokanu and david strictness. hope you both will not be softy with your real life kids kwa.

OP, abt time you hands off. at 17 many here i know are already preparing for AF and Iraq and some are in bootcamp training, some prep for rigorous life of West Point and Anapolis. i like how most here hands off their kids at 18years.

my brother i wont. My father showed me serious tough love and he made it very plain that once you turned 21 you were OYO. It helped my brothers and i to develop a sense of responsibility very early in life, knowing there will be no fall back option should you fail by your own poor choices.
A family friend i know put her son in a police cell for 2 weeks when he chose to play truant at the Bells secondary school . . . till today my guy will tell you it was the best decision his parents ever made.

armyofone:

i like dayokanu and david strictness. hope you both will not be softy with your real life kids kwa.

OP, abt time you hands off. at 17 many here i know are already preparing for AF and Iraq and some are in bootcamp training, some prep for rigorous life of West Point and Anapolis. i like how most here hands off their kids at 18years.

Yes oo

a 24yr old is not a kid under any consideration.

If you allow him his excesses he would still be that way at 40.

At some point, a man has to take responsibilities for himself.

If 3 of your kids are doing well. then no one can say you failed as a parent. Some kids would go wayward even if they are raised by the strictest and most doting parents

bankubanku76:

Mummy, i understand you more than anyone on this forum! i got admission in 2004 to study accounting in a nigerian university. like your son, i did not tell my parents. i even went to nysc camp, married university a graduate. by His grace i am back to the same uni studying d same couse (100level). you can contact me through bankubanku76@yahoo.com so that we can discuss how to help your son. my dad will also be willing to advice him. may your wishes for him come to pass.

OP, this banku here can give you a real solution to your problem.

I will advice that this young man decide for himself, We all can only advice him, we cannot force him. I am pretty sure he definetly has a plan of his own. My only advice to you is to sit him down and persuade him to tell you his mind. You could ask someone that you think he confides in to do that for you though, but never make a mistake of seeing him as a baby under your roof, he's a full grown up man. I wish you all the luck.