What Not To Do After A First Date - Romance - Nairaland
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| What Not To Do After A First Date by Nobody: 12:16am On Dec 08, 2011 |
I just saw this. Was posted today. A real letter a man wrote. He went on a date with a girl and apparently she didn't want to go on a second date. He wrote her a letter, relaying the reasons she should go on another date with him, why they would be great for each other, her leading him on during the first date and making him think she was interested, etc. The girl decided to post the letter on the internet for the world to see. Do you think it was right for her to post the letter on the internet? Why or why not? Do you feel sorry for the guy? Think he's insane? Needs psychological help? Any other thoughts? Here it is: [b] Hi Lauren, I’m disappointed in you. I’m disappointed that I haven’t gotten a response to my voicemail and text messages. FYI, I suggest that you keep in mind that emails sound more impersonal, harsher, and are easier to misinterpret than in-person or phone communication. After all, people can’t see someone’s body language or tone of voice in an email. I’m not trying to be harsh, patronizing, or insulting in this email. I’m honest and direct by nature, and I’m going to be that way in this email. By the way, I did a Google search, so that’s how I came across your email. I assume that you no longer want to go out with me. (If you do want to go out with me, then you should let me know.) I suggest that you make a sincere apology to me for giving me mixed signals. I feel led on by you. Things that happened during our date include, but are not limited to, the following: - You played with your hair a lot. A woman playing with her hair is a common sign of flirtation. You can even do a Google search on it. When a woman plays with her hair, she is preening. I’ve never had a date where a woman played with her hair as much as you did. In addition, it didn’t look like you were playing with your hair out of nervousness. - We had lots of eye contact during our date. On a per-minute basis, I’ve never had as much eye contact during a date as I did with you. - You said, 'It was nice to meet you' at the end of our date. A woman could say this statement as a way to show that she isn’t interested in seeing a man again or she could mean what she said–that it was nice to meet you. The statement, by itself, is inconclusive. - We had a nice conversation over dinner. I don’t think I’m being delusional in saying this statement. In my opinion, leading someone on (i.e., giving mixed signals) is impolite and immature. It’s bad to do that. Normally, I would not be asking for information if a woman and I don’t go out again after a first date. However, in our case, I’m curious because I think our date went well and that there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship. Of course, it’s difficult to predict what would happen, but I think there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship developing between us one day (or least there was before your non-response to my voicemail and text messages). I think we should go out on a second date. In my opinion, our first date was good enough to lead to a second date. Why am I writing you? Well, hopefully, we will go out again. Even if we don’t, I gain utility from expressing my thoughts to you. In addition, even if you don’t want to go out again, I would like to get feedback as to why you wouldn’t want to go again. Normally, I wouldn’t ask a woman for this type of feedback after a first date, but this is an exception given I think we have a lot of potential. If you don’t want to go again, then apparently you didn’t think our first date was good enough to lead to a second date. Dating or a relationship is not a Hollywood movie. It’s good to keep that in mind. In general, I thought the date went well and was expecting that we would go out on a second date. If you’re not interested in going out again, then I would have preferred if you hadn’t given those mixed signals. I feel led on. We have a number of things in common. I’ll name a few things: First, we’ve both very intelligent. Second, we both like classical music so much that we go to classical music performances by ourselves. In fact, the number one interest that I would want to have in common with a woman with whom I’m in a relationship is a liking of classical music. I wouldn’t be seriously involved with a woman if she didn’t like classical music. You said that you’re planning to go the NY Philharmonic more often in the future. As I said, I go to the NY Philharmonic often. You’re very busy. It would be very convenient for you to date me because we have the same interests. We already go to classical music performances by ourselves. If we go to classical music performances together, it wouldn’t take any significant additional time on your part. According to the internet, you’re 33 or 32, so, at least from my point of view, we’re a good match in terms of age. I could name more things that we have in common, but I’ll stop here. I don’t understand why you apparently don’t want to go out with me again. We have numerous things in common. I assume that you find me physically attractive. If you didn’t find me physically attractive, then it would have been irrational for you to go out with me in the first place. After all, our first date was not a blind date. You already knew what I looked like before our date. Perhaps, you’re unimpressed that I manage my family’s investments and my own investments. Perhaps, you don’t think I have a 'real' job. Well, I’ve done very well as an investment manager. I’ve made my parents several millions of dollars. That’s real money. That’s not monopoly money. In my opinion, if I make real money, it’s a real job. Donald Trump’s children work for his company. Do they have 'real' jobs? I think so. George Soros’ sons help manage their family investments. Do they have 'real' jobs? I think so. In addition, I’m both a right-brain and left-brain man, given that I’m both an investment manager and a philosopher/writer. That’s a unique characteristic; most people aren’t like that. I’ve never been as disappointed and sad about having difficulty about getting a second date as I am with you. I’ve gone out with a lot of women in my life. (FYI, I’m not a serial dater. Sometimes, I’ve only gone out with a woman for one date.) People don’t grow on trees. I hope you appreciate the potential we have. Am I sensitive person? Sure, I am. I think it’s better to be sensitive than to be insensitive. There are too many impolite, insensitive people in the world. I suggest that we continue to go out and see what happens. Needless to say, I find you less appealing now (given that you haven’t returned my messages) than I did at our first date. However, I would be willing to go out with you again. I’m open minded and flexible and am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. I wish you would give me the benefit of the doubt too. If you don’t want to go out again, in my opinion, you would be making a big mistake, perhaps one of the biggest mistakes in your life. If you don’t want to go out again, then you should have called to tell me so. Even sending a text message would have been better than nothing. In my opinion, not responding to my messages is impolite, immature, passive aggressive, and cowardly. I spent time, effort, and money meeting you for dinner. Getting back to me in response to my messages would have been a reasonable thing for you to do. In addition, you arrived about 30 minutes late for our date. I’m sure you wouldn’t like it if a man showed up thirty minutes late for a first date with you. If you’re concerned that you will hurt my feelings by providing specific information about why you don’t want to go with me again, well, my feelings are already hurt. I’m sad and disappointed about this situation. If you give information, at least I can understand the situation better. I might even learn something that is beneficial. If you don’t want to go out again, that I request that you call me and make a sincere apology for leading me on (i.e., giving me mixed signals). In my opinion, you shouldn’t act that way toward a man and then not go out with him again. It’s bad to play with your hair so much and make so much eye contact if you’re not interested in going out with me again. I have tried to write this email well, but it’s not perfect. Again, I’m not trying to be harsh, insulting, patronizing, etc. I’m disappointed, sad, etc. I would like to talk to you on the phone. I hope you will call me back at Bleep-Bleep-xxxx (if it’s inconvenient for you to talk on the phone when you read this email, you can let me know via email that you are willing to talk on the phone and I’ll call you). If you get my voicemail, you can a leave a message and I can call you back. Even if you don’t want to go out again, I would appreciate it if you give me the courtesy of calling me and talking to me. Yes, you might say things that hurt me, but my feelings are already hurt. Sending me an email response (instead of talking on the phone) would better than no response at all, but I think it would be better to talk on the phone. Email communication has too much potential for misinterpretation, etc. Best, Mike [/b] http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2071127/Bankers-1-615-word-email-woman-didnt-back.html |
| Re: What Not To Do After A First Date by 195(f): 12:25am On Dec 08, 2011 |
Every body open to the 14th epistle of YIELD Read from verse 2 to anywhere wen you taya  |
| Re: What Not To Do After A First Date by Nobody: 12:40am On Dec 08, 2011 |
^LOL. 190, read na. It's not that long.  |
| Re: What Not To Do After A First Date by MrCork17: 12:40am On Dec 08, 2011 |
thanks yeld. are you a postman?  |
| Re: What Not To Do After A First Date by slimyem: 12:44am On Dec 08, 2011 |
*yawnnns*i read it half-way.yield pls tell me the rest of the story, i might sleep off b4 you are done though. |
| Re: What Not To Do After A First Date by MrCork17: 12:50am On Dec 08, 2011 |
slimyem: huh? you read? |
| Re: What Not To Do After A First Date by sugardaddy1(m): 1:26am On Dec 08, 2011 |
@Yield Very interesting letter. I've been through a very similar situation in the past and my thoughts then where virtually the same as the writer's here. There is nothing wrong with him, except that he's just puzzled as to what could have gone wrong to make the girl cut off abruptly. He certainly is 100% convinced that he didn't go wrong anywhere to have been treated this way and he may never outgrow this situation in life if he doesn't get some form of feedback from the girl -either good or bad. In my own case then, I persisted in making calls, sending sms, practically looking for this girl everywhere, relating all that transpired between us on our last date to all who cared to listen hoping they could tell me at least any area where I probably went wrong but all to no avail. After so many sleepless and frustrating nights spanning 5 terrible weeks, it turned out that she erroneously interpreted an innocent move on my part to mean I was no longer interested in her and according to her, she decided to move on on her own before being jilted as she said she could handle the breakup easier if it starts from her rather than the other way round. So, at the end of the day, there was really no issue except a clear case of communication breakdown. She later apologized for making assumptions and drawing conclusions from them without seeking clarification while I apologized for hurting her (though unknowingly) with a mutual promise to always discuss any grey areas in the realtionship going forward. We were very fine and became inseparable afterwards. Meanwhile, the lady being adressed by the writer here is excited by all the attention she' getting from email, voicemail, calls, etc and that is why she posted this letter on the internet. I'm sure there are so many she got besides this but she chose to publish this as it appeals to her most. Deep in her mind, she's wishing she could respond but the fear of being rejected by the writer (& most likely peer influence also) is holding her back. If the writer can resist the urge to seek her for some few days, he will be surprised that the lady would establish contcat with him again in no distant time. But as long as he continues to seek her, she wil remain elusive and if it drags on for too long, this might permanently damage the writer's emotional stability. 2 Likes |
| Re: What Not To Do After A First Date by iice(f): 3:54am On Dec 08, 2011 |
Not only emotionally distraught but psychologically unequipped. Was that long diatribe necessary? Reiterating stuff up and down. People lead people on with selling automobiles and never receive the cars and this one is twisting up over a first date. 1 Like |
| Re: What Not To Do After A First Date by ThiefOfHearts(f): 3:57am On Dec 08, 2011 |
Exactly why he doesnt deserve another date. What a psycho. |
| Re: What Not To Do After A First Date by MarcAnthon(m): 4:55am On Dec 08, 2011 |
^^^he's not a psycho. He's just puzzled. Even if he kept repeating stuff over and again, it was still meant to be a personal letter. The least the lady could have done was return his call or send him an SMS, freeing him up to move on. Guess he just wants some kind of closure. There's nothing terribly wrong in that. 1 Like |
| Re: What Not To Do After A First Date by sugardaddy1(m): 7:58am On Dec 08, 2011 |
MarcAnthon:Right on point. |
| Re: What Not To Do After A First Date by cynthiafred67(f): 8:32am On Dec 08, 2011 |
*yawns* i need help in reading this novel. |
| Re: What Not To Do After A First Date by freecocoa(f): 8:33am On Dec 08, 2011 |
My oh my,somebody please pinch me,did I read all that for real or in a dream,still trying to figure it out. OH well that dude has got some serious issues,jeez all that over a first date? I bet you that man would turn out to be an obsessed stalker if the lady goes out with him again,especially if anything goes wrong. Imagine saying it'll be the biggest mistake of her life not to go out with him again,WTF,seriously he needs to see a shrink fast. As for the lady posting it on the net,well I don't know what to say but oyinbo people too get wahala. 1 Like |
| Re: What Not To Do After A First Date by missKeri(f): 10:39am On Dec 08, 2011 |
slimyem:me too. |
| Re: What Not To Do After A First Date by Nobody: 3:39pm On Dec 08, 2011 |
$ugardaddy: Thanks for the reply, $ugardaddy. I'm glad things worked out well between you and your girl. Your case was just an issue of miscommunication and she did finally got in contact with you to sort things out. But Mike's case is different though. Lauren didn't reply him at all. She didn't contact him on her own, not even to let him know she wasn't interested in him and that there would not be a second date. If you go on a date with someone and they never call you again nor reply your messages/phone calls, then it must mean they're just not interested and you should take the hint, try to move on. Mike made several attempts to reach Lauren: left her voicemails and texts messages, but she didn't reply any at all. Then he decided to write an essay to her, to persuade her to go on another date. Why do you think he didn't get the hint that she just wasn't interested . . .since she didn't make any attempts to reach him/return his calls and messages? |
| Re: What Not To Do After A First Date by Nobody: 4:09pm On Dec 08, 2011 |
iice: Thanks iice. And you're absolutely right. I bolded that part for emphasis. When I read this letter it just struck me that this man isn't emotionally well. He's very articulate and smart, but he doesn't have a clear thinking pattern. I read some of the comments on the article. Some people mentioned he's likely autistic, others said he could have asperger's. One of my reasons for posting this was the hear people's thoughts on his well-being. Sometimes you read things and you know something isn't right with the writer. You hit it on the nail with what you said, "emotionally distraught but psychologically unequipped" as I couldn't agree more. |
| Re: What Not To Do After A First Date by Nobody: 4:21pm On Dec 08, 2011 |
freecocoa: Thanks freecocoa. Some of the other comments on the article were about him being "just plain nuts," "crazy," "he could be a stalker," "the girl needs to change her number, make sure to always lock her doors," etc. And who knows? Those may be true and it would be a good idea for her to take those precautions. But he does need help. |
| Re: What Not To Do After A First Date by Excelboi(m): 4:41pm On Dec 08, 2011 |
Wallahi dat post too long! |
| Re: What Not To Do After A First Date by Nobody: 5:14pm On Dec 08, 2011 |
i would understand if some dude wrote that long letter after a few months of dating. . . . . .BUT AFTER ONE DATE?! anyone who receives that letter must RUUUUUUN! if that's what he wrote after just a few hrs of knowing her then what will he do after a few months of dating?! that's the CLEAR example of stalker in the making. 1 Like |
| Re: What Not To Do After A First Date by Yorisb: 5:34pm On Dec 08, 2011 |
Low self-esteem, that is. . . |
| Re: What Not To Do After A First Date by elampiro(m): 5:42pm On Dec 08, 2011 |
Emmmmmmmmmm, d guy doesn't know summary, he doesn't know how to avoid repetition, he doesn't know how to hit the point gbam, most importantly he doesn't know how to win. Was he trying to ask why d girl did not call back? Was he trying to beg for a second opportunity? Was he trying to know if he had made a mistake the first time? Was he trying to know the mind of the girl? Was he asking for an answer? What is the title of that novel? |
| Re: What Not To Do After A First Date by IMAGEMasters: 5:51pm On Dec 08, 2011 |
what a load of crap this letter is just funny. |
| Re: What Not To Do After A First Date by Nobody: 6:09pm On Dec 08, 2011 |
IMAGEMasters: He's quite a character. |
| Re: What Not To Do After A First Date by Jidefido(m): 6:12pm On Dec 08, 2011 |
Pls this is just too long.anyway d guy shld calm down jooor.if one door closes,another opens |
| Re: What Not To Do After A First Date by Koolking(m): 6:19pm On Dec 08, 2011 |
I would have loved to contribute but the letter was quite lengthy and boring. maybe next time |
| Re: What Not To Do After A First Date by jidsoon(m): 6:26pm On Dec 08, 2011 |
Don't talk to your girlfriends all day long about the date. You really shouldn't be thinking about the date at all. Don't see your mother, grandmother, or anyone who absolutely can't wait for you to get married and have children. Being around them might make you reek of desperation on the date. You might mention marriage on the date and scare him away. Do not pick up a date or meet him at some location for a date, unless it's a blind date. He must pick you up at your home. On the first date, avoid staring romantically into his eyes. Instead look down at the table or your food, or simply survey the crowd at the restaurant Don't tell everything about yourself Do not talk about ex-boyfriends or ex-husbands. He may ask, but he doesn't really want to know If you have kids, don't spend the whole night talking about them Do not talk about your horrible childhood Do not talk about being used by men Do not talk about how you really want to find a husband Don't be too serious, controlling, or wifey Do not ask to meet his family and/ or friends. When he's ready, he will let you know. On a date, you never show that getting married is foremost on your mind. Don't sound cynical or depressed Don't tell sarcastic jokes. Don't be a loud, knee-slapping, hysterically funny girl. This is okay when you are with girlfriends. But when you're with a man you like, be quiet and mysterious, act ladylike, cross your legs and smile Don't act like a man, even if you are the head of your own company. Be feminine Avoid any subject that are controversial for the first few months, such as politics and abortions. There are moments on a date when neither of you has anything to say. Don't feel the need to fill in these silences. You'll end up saying something stupid and forced When a guy is so eager to impress you on a date, many things can go wrong. Never use these blunders to make him feel bad. Don't have him come to your apartment on the first date. |
| Re: What Not To Do After A First Date by Sagamite(m): 6:28pm On Dec 08, 2011 |
The guy missed the essence of desires of most women. They want to be the one approached. They want to be the one chased. They want to be the one to reject someone. They want to be the one that approves that a relationship should start. They want to be the one dictating what will happen in the relationship if you allow them. They want to be the only ones that dump the other in a relationship. They want to be the one missed. They want to be the one to move on after the relationship. If you fail to get this and break those desires' emergence, they feel entitled to verbally attack and insult you. Only their feelings matter, yours is tertiary (not even secondary). They are allowed to do things to you that "is not right" when you do it to them. For the very emotionally under-developed amongst them, it is these "Me, me, me, me". If she was the one that liked him and he gave all the signals and then withdraws it suddenly by going incommunicado, they will call him a "Baastard"! Not only her, majority of women, even the ones that don't know her. The minute a guy understands these and unrepentantly gives it all a middle finger. The better the quality of his life will be. He needs to come for a masterclass of how to "Stop giving a shyt at the right moment!" in an interaction with a woman. He obviously gave too much shyt here because he was following her rules. 3 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: What Not To Do After A First Date by Yorisb: 6:49pm On Dec 08, 2011 |
Sagamite: Gboza. . .gboza. . .gboozaaa! Sagamite no dey ever disappoint. . .  |
| Re: What Not To Do After A First Date by pendo89(f): 6:53pm On Dec 08, 2011 |
I can't date such a person. He sounds too controlling,monitors every single move He just scares the hell out of me. If I were the lady,I would gladly call him and give him my reasons for not wanting to meet him again instead of announcing it to the world. Not difficult to say we are incompatible and I don't feel like we are meant for each other. I personaly hate wasting time on what is not/will never work. 2 Likes |
| Re: What Not To Do After A First Date by lurkee(f): 7:01pm On Dec 08, 2011 |
oooh I felt so bad for the man. I hate people ignoring me in everyday life talk less of someone I had a good date with. He is not asking for much, he genuinely liked this woman (who doesn't deserve it - because she posted his heartfelt letter on the web) and was wondering what went wrong on the date. Ladies it is not too much to say, "Sorry, I am no longer interested". True some men take it as a challenge to change your mind but then you have to say it at least once rather than ignoring the person. I wish he finds someone younger and beautiful. See 33 year old woman dey do yanga for a millionaire  2 Likes |
| Re: What Not To Do After A First Date by dayokanu(m): 7:04pm On Dec 08, 2011 |
Yorisb: I trained him well |
| Re: What Not To Do After A First Date by Sagamite(m): 7:10pm On Dec 08, 2011 |
You guys should read the link and see how the paper (known to be for women by women) are ridiculing him mercilessly. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2071127/Bankers-1-615-word-email-woman-didnt-back.html If it was a man that decided to go incommunicado on a woman that is head-over-hills for him after a date without any explanation and then has the AUDACITY to put her private letter to him on the web (presumably with her phone number), you will see them whining: "He is a Baastard" "He has no Class" "He is not a gentleman" "What a douche bag" "A real man will never do that" "He is so wicked to make her feel insecure" THE SAME WOMEN o! "Me, me, me, me, me". 2 Likes |
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