Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.    

Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.    

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?    

Don't be so humble - you are not that great. -- Golda Meir    

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I'll have another beer.    

When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.    

Work is the curse of the drinking class.    

I can tell you're lying. Your lips are moving.    

There's nothing more restful than taking orders from fools.    

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.    

It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.    

He who laughs last didn't get the joke.    

I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.    

I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.    

Yesterday was the deadline on all complaints.    

I worship the ground that awaits you.    

I wish you were a beer.    

Love means telling you why you're sorry.    

Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.    

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.    

Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible?    

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.    

You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them.    

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his. -- G

We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.    

I don't know. I don't care. And it doesn't make any difference.    

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before. --
It's not that you and I are so clever, but that the others are such fools.    

I'm not cynical. Just experienced.    

I know you think you understood what I said, but what you heard was not what I meant.    

I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down. No problem.    

It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am.

see i dont know if am the first to tell u this and that the good thing about the internet is we can all share our views frankly and its left for u to accept it,
i think ur write up is always too serious for the joke forum its always to heavy too much am not sure if am making sense but i wont go through all your posts cos i want to come here read something and laugh my head off. but, i appreciate your deliverables keep it up

This should have gone to Forum Games / Quotes. Would be better appreciated there