I am a black American woman who has recently married an Igbo man. I was raised, as we all are, to have certain preconceived notions about ppl of other races and cultures, and Africans, although I am clearly a descendent, were no exception.

Having taught myself not to judge by these prescriptions, I gave no thought to my husband's nationality when I married him, but I have to admit that now, the quiet protests of my friends and family are starting to get to me and are raising doubt in my mind. I don't want to offend anyone, but in the interest of honest, open discourse, these are the stereotypes and fears that my loved ones present me with:

1. Africans/Nigerians only marry american women for a green card and will leave them as soon as they get it. They've usually got a Nigerian wife or girlfriend back home that they will marry and bring to the states after dumping the American wife.
2. Nigerians are notorious womanizers. If they do stay with their American wife they will callously cheat on her.
3. Africans think of women as objects or property. He is controlling of his wife, her opinion doesn't matter, her place is in the kitchen and having babies, and the man has the right to beat his wife and will often be verbally abusive.
4. A Nigerian man wouldn't stay with a black American because her bloodline has been "tainted".
5. Nigerian/Igbo men become cold, unaffectionate, and unloving with their wives (and sometimes children)

My husband is applying for his residency based on our marriage, and so far has not been any of these stereotypes (except maybe a little controlling, but never abusively so). In fact he has been a stark contrast, almost a perfect contrast. He is extremely affectionate and loving, speaks respectfully to me, never raised a hand to me, and he at least makes me think he considers my opinion on things. My fear is that once his residency becomes permanent will he change? Is this a norm? I want to know the truth behind Nigerian men marrying American women and why the marriages that fall apart do so. And also how many of these marriages stay together.

And I have been confronted with the following fears,
1. All black american men do and deal in drugs.
2.End u or have been in jail
3.are violent
4.abandon their kids,

See what I am trying to get across!!!!!
It is all crap that intelligent people know how to deal with.
Let go and enjoy your marriage and do not make a big deal about the papers. Many marriages fall apart it is always a risk.

@OP i'm Canadian and married a Nigerian (Igbo) we got 1 son together. Most of the streotypes you mentioned he did it to his first wife, the papers aspect anyways. Look @ the end of the day 1in3 marriages end in divorce and their are no guarantees in this love game so just relax please and enjoy your marriage dont let your insecurities ruin it for you. If your husband is with you for the right reasons he wont go anywhere after the papers. Focus on ther things that married people do such as raising a family.

Na wa oh,
using other people's experiencies and theories to set the limits of your life, even when u rigthly think your husband is deferent?
According to your faith be it unto you.

dtanigwe:

I am a black American woman who has recently married an Igbo man. I was raised, as we all are, to have certain preconceived notions about ppl of other races and cultures, and Africans, although I am clearly a descendent, were no exception.

Having taught myself not to judge by these prescriptions, I gave no thought to my husband's nationality when I married him, but I have to admit that now, the quiet protests of my friends and family are starting to get to me and are raising doubt in my mind. I don't want to offend anyone, but in the interest of honest, open discourse, these are the stereotypes and fears that my loved ones present me with:

1. Africans/Nigerians only marry american women for a green card and will leave them as soon as they get it. They've usually got a Nigerian wife or girlfriend back home that they will marry and bring to the states after dumping the American wife.
2. Nigerians are notorious womanizers. If they do stay with their American wife they will callously cheat on her.
3. Africans think of women as objects or property. He is controlling of his wife, her opinion doesn't matter, her place is in the kitchen and having babies, and the man has the right to beat his wife and will often be verbally abusive.
4. A Nigerian man wouldn't stay with a black American because her bloodline has been "tainted".
5. Nigerian/Igbo men become cold, unaffectionate, and unloving with their wives (and sometimes children)

My husband is applying for his residency based on our marriage, and so far has not been any of these stereotypes (except maybe a little controlling, but never abusively so). In fact he has been a stark contrast, almost a perfect contrast. He is extremely affectionate and loving, speaks respectfully to me, never raised a hand to me, and he at least makes me think he considers my opinion on things. My fear is that once his residency becomes permanent will he change? Is this a norm? I want to know the truth behind Nigerian men marrying American women and why the marriages that fall apart do so. And also how many of these marriages stay together.

why are u being so in-secured ? i see u have posted similar posts on several sections.

there is no norm,

how much do u think it will cost him to pay a hooker, or those baby mama on food stamps to get his paper ? Now, how much has he spent on you ?

if u have any fears , speak to him like a person and find out.

omg! How do you see Africans/Nigerians. What is in green card? You people really think you are better. Your friends/famiy are so ignorant. Now any little thing he does would be watched keenly by you whereas you are not making any effort to keep the marriage. You are only good in listening to gossips.

If you dont show love, tolerance, patience and understanding in return, your marriage will certainly crash whether you are married to spanish, Italian, Americans , Nigerians or even angels.

1. Africans/Nigerians only marry american women for a green card and will leave them as soon as they get it. They've usually got a Nigerian wife or girlfriend back home that they will marry and bring to the states after dumping the American wife.

This does happen often. So I can’t rule it out as a possibility in your situation. Most of the time though, these marriages are usually are a pre-arranged agreement between the two parties with money involved. The broke ones though will find someone and marry under false pretenses. That is why some sharp women will ensure they get pregnant so that if he leaves, they will have the consolation prize of collecting the bulk of his money as child support. However, even if the primary reason for marrying you was for the papers (and I’m not saying it was), it does not mean he will automatically leave you.

2. Nigerians are notorious womanizers. If they do stay with their American wife they will callously cheat on her.

This could also be true depending on the type of man you have. In Nigerian society, it is ‘accepted' for the men to cheat without any major condemnation or repercussion. You will hardly find a divorce case in Nigeria that happened because the man cheated.

3. Africans think of women as objects or property. He is controlling of his wife, her opinion doesn't matter, her place is in the kitchen and having babies, and the man has the right to beat his wife and will often be verbally abusive.

Only the men who come from the deep crevices of the village or the psycho ones have a mentality of the woman as an object or property. Probably not different than the West in this regard.

4. A Nigerian man wouldn't stay with a black American because her bloodline has been "tainted".

Never heard of that. This is certainly not in Nigerian men. Maybe some other countries.

5. Nigerian/Igbo men become cold, unaffectionate, and unloving with their wives (and sometimes children)

No. Igbo’s (of the major tribes in Nigeria) are generally said to be the most affectionate and loving to their wives. At least that’s what they say in Nigeria. Again this is to be individualized.

In fact he has been a stark contrast, almost a perfect contrast. He is extremely affectionate and loving, speaks respectfully to me, never raised a hand to me, and he at least makes me think he considers my opinion on things.

Sounds like you may have snagged one of the good ones! If you’re already married, to me he really does not need to go to this extent to be good to you. He could just do the barest minimum needed for you not to halt the immigration proceedings. Your description is encouraging. Talk to him about your concerns. All the best.

@Dtanigwe, my responses to your questions are below beneath each question you asked.

"I am a black American woman who has recently married an Igbo man. I was raised, as we all are, to have certain preconceived notions about ppl of other races and cultures, and Africans, although I am clearly a descendent, were no exception"

MY RESPONSE:
So that's why black Americans are overwhelmingly so hateful/resentful/despicably prejudice towards continental Africans? You folks were raised by your parents/family members to have discriminatory preconceived notions about other cultures and people that are different from you? I see, though I am not surprised  We learn something new each day, what more can I say? But one quick thing I would like to point out though is, never generalize that everyone in this world was raised by their parents/guardians to have discriminatory preconceived notions about other people. I was NOT raised by my parents to be discriminatory towards any group of people especially people from far away lands/countries. However, due to being a victim of racisms and ethnocentrism time and time again coming specifically from certain nationality and racial groups, there are certain groups of people that I have now developed a negative perception of and would not be friends with or trust. I was not brought up that way but became that way due to negative experiences faced while living abroad. It’s a shame you were raised by bigots based on what you said but oh well.


"Having taught myself not to judge by these prescriptions, I gave no thought to my husband's nationality when I married him, but I have to admit that now, the quiet protests of my friends and family are starting to get to me and are raising doubt in my mind. I don't want to offend anyone, but in the interest of honest, open discourse, these are the stereotypes and fears that my loved ones present me with":

MY RESPONSE
Ok, so knowing you come from a family of bigots who have negative perceptions of Africans, why did you not play it safe and stick to your own people? You live in America (Your country) and not in some foreign land. I am sure that there are a dozen and one black American guys that you could have easily hooked up with. No?

1. "Africans/Nigerians only marry american women for a green card and will leave them as soon as they get it. They've usually got a Nigerian wife or girlfriend back home that they will marry and bring to the states after dumping the American wife."

MY RESPONSE
Some, not all. Again, all this generalizing and stereotyping is what leads to unwarranted discrimination. If white Americans treated you black Americans in a prejudiced manner based on stereotypes they have of your people, you people will be the first to scream bloody murder. Most of you black Americans practice the same thing you accuse the white folks of. Pure, undiluted discrimination based on stereotypes and hearsay

2. "Nigerians are notorious womanizers. If they do stay with their American wife they will callously cheat on her."

MY RESPONSE:
Yes, a lot of Nigerian men are womanizers sadly. Notice I said "a lot" not all. They womanize a lot because polygamy is accepted in Nigeria and Nigeria is a patriarch society where the average Nigerian woman still has very little say no matter how educated and accomplished she is. Women in Nigeria are expected by society to put up with their husbands' cheating ways. You even find quite a number of Nigerian women advising their fellow Nigerian women to stay in a marriage where the man is a serial cheat, not taking into consideration that the woman's health will be at risk of contracting an STD

3. "Africans think of women as objects or property. He is controlling of his wife, her opinion doesn't matter, her place is in the kitchen and having babies, and the man has the right to beat his wife and will often be verbally abusive."

MY RESPONSE
Sadly, domestic violence is a problem in our society. It is not uncommon to hear of husbands beating up and killing their wives. Some husbands suffer domestic violence too at the hands of their wives. The reason why some African men see their wives as property is due to this archaic tradition we have where men have to pay a bride price to his fiancée’s family before marrying the woman. Some African ethnic groups demand for so much including money, chickens, goats, cows, jewelry, brand new cloths and what have you, its almost ridiculous. So when a man and his family has to cough up so much to marry a wife, it is not surprising if the man wakes up one morning and sees his wife as 'property' he purchased. Chauvinism/sexism is also a problem in many African societies unfortunately and women are expected to marry and pop out babies whether they want it or not. Also, African culture places preference on male children over female children. It is quite common for the man's family to encourage him to marry another wife if his current wife keeps birthing baby girls. African families will tell you they need their son to have at least one male child to carry on the family name. So there is immense pressure on the wife of an African man to birth the preferred gender. It is quite common for the woman/wife to keep birthing babies until she gives birth to the desired gender irrespective of if the couple can financially afford to take care of the children or not. Sucks, but it is what it is.

4. "A Nigerian man wouldn't stay with a black American because her bloodline has been "tainted".

MY RESPONSE
Excuse me? Never heard of that before. Tainted with what if I may ask?

5. "Nigerian/Igbo men become cold, unaffectionate, and unloving with their wives (and sometimes children)"

MY RESPONSE
A lot of them do irrespective of the tribe/ethnic group they may be from especially once the honeymoon phase is over and the lovey dovey butterflies in the stomach settle down. This happens in a lot of marriages irrespective of nationality. Remember all the Americans filling for divorce due to irreconcilable differences? What happened? Their love waxed cold so don't make this a solely an African thing I attribute this to the fact that most African cultures do not encourage men to be affectionate. The culture overwhelmingly encourages the men to be brutes or iron fisted. They believe if the man acts loving and affectionate towards his wife, she might disrespect him or take him for granted which cannot be further away from the truth. Even mouth-to-mouth French kissing/saliva swapping as we know it in the western culture was once upon a time alien to African culture. It is with the current younger generation of Africans born in the 70s and onwards who are more open and accepting of European /American culture that more people began kissing and saying things like "I love you" to one another. Most African men believe that the upbringing of the kids falls solely on the shoulders of the woman/wife. Most will frown at the idea of changing diapers or baby sitting or other domestic chores. In other words, traditional gender roles are clearly defined


"My husband is applying for his residency based on our marriage, and so far has not been any of these stereotypes (except maybe a little controlling, but never abusively so). In fact he has been a stark contrast, almost a perfect contrast. He is extremely affectionate and loving, speaks respectfully to me, never raised a hand to me, and he at least makes me think he considers my opinion on things. My fear is that once his residency becomes permanent will he change? Is this a norm? I want to know the truth behind Nigerian men marrying American women and why the marriages that fall apart do so. And also how many of these marriages stay together"

MY RESPONSE
Honestly, you should have never married the man in the first place and he should have never married you because it seems quite obvious that the bias/prejudice that your family embedded in you from childhood is still there. I will never advice anyone, not even my sworn enemy to marry from or into a family that has a negative perception of my people or where I come from. It is not healthy for the relationship and I do not want my kids hanging around bigoted grand parents, aunties, uncles, cousins and what have you because of the venom they will spew from their mouths towards these innocent little ones and sadly corrupt their minds. No matter how good your husband maybe, you will never truly appreciate him because of your suppressed prejudice towards African men. Be honest with yourself.

America was founded on stark in-your-face racism/bigotry/ethnocentrism and so it is not surprising that most black, white, yellow and brown Americans cannot get past someone's nationality/race. I kinda feel for those black people of other nationalities who choose to marry you guys because they have no idea what they just got themselves into. You ask why Nigerian/American marriages fall apart. My answer to that is: the same reason why 50% of all American /American marriages fall apart and divorce is rampant. You say you want to know the truth behind Nigerian men marrying American women. I want to sincerely ask you the reason why you American women marry Nigerian/African men. How could you be living in your own country of origin and yet not find a citizen from your own country to marry? What is the truth behind you black American women marrying African/Nigerian men? Is it because many black American men will rather prefer to hook up with a white American woman instead so that he will have better chances of being accepted by white America? Could that be the reason? Or is it because a lot of black American men are known to get you black American women pregnant and then abandon you to raise the child/ren alone as a single mom/parent? Which is it? You and your family have so many negative perceptions about continental Africans yet you and quite a number of black and some white American women dabble into relationships with African men and I am itching to know why. As for your last question, I and probably many others do not know the percentage of how many of these marriages stay together. We Nigerians have more important things to worry about like the state of our country Nigeria, providing for our families and paying bills that the last thing on our minds is wanting to know how many inter-ethnic marriages between black Americans and Nigerians work out. Good luck in your marital journey

If you really do love your husband and want to enjoy your marriage, you have to lock up all the pre conceived beliefs in a box and fling it away. Even if your husband is planning to do so, you can win him over by your love and sincerity of heart. Show him love, affection and respect. Its when you bottled all this negative thots that mistrust set it and you start seeing motives in whatever he is doing. Love conquers all

@Poster

There are people who engaging in marrying foreign nationals for papers/social security (and this is not limited to Nigerians) but labeling every guy who gets married to a foreign woman as paper seeking crook is very insultive. It's not every Nigerian man that's excited about leaving his homeland (especially those that are doing quite well financially). Don't base your assumptions on what you see on TV. . .come down to 9ja and see how we run things.

Use your head abeg.

Dasparrow: Precise, detailed and straight to the point response. I'd suggest the OP reads it throughly and takes heed.

No disrespect but someone needs to slap some sense into this OP head,

I too am AA female

My guy is Yoruba

Let me tell you this as a woman.  ALL MEN CHANGE after marriage it doesn't matter who or what they are or where they are from.  He will change and be less friendly, less loving.  Stressors are going to hit you both and you will spend less time together.  BOYFRIENDS do the same as you well know.

Your family needs to shut the hell up and you need to grow up.

My family has been putting my man down since DAY ONE.  I refuse to listen to anything they have to say.  I will be sleeping with him and sharing my life with him, they won't be.  Family will phock you faster than your man will, trust me on that one.

Focus on yourself until he flies over to be with you or you fly over to be with him.  Get yourself into shape, mind, body, soul and bank account.

A man won't leave a woman who is loving, attractive, financially well off.  A man in the U.S. who is AA, White, Spanish, Mexican, Italian will leave your black arse as fast or faster than a Nigerian male who has more patience for you than his male counterparts who are American citizens.

Get off the internet and get on the treadmill or bike.  Get a manicure, a pedicure and get your teeth whiten.  Make sure you have a good paying job and more importantly what is your relationship with God?

Where is your faith?  IT sure shouldn't be in men or in family that surrounds you.  Jealousy knows no boundaries, are they jealous because you have someone that truly cares?  If he needs a green card, what do you need?  Life is give and take.  Get what you can out of this life and completely enjoy it and share yourself with someone else.  Make sure that you are giving them something that is worthy of them and not an old, washed up, fat gossipy, unemployed woman who cares more about what the neighbors think instead of being slim, trim, attractive, educated and employable. 

Make sure you get out of him the qualities that are worthy and vice versa.

That's my 2 cents.

dtanigwe:

I am a black American woman who has recently married an Igbo man. I was raised, as we all are, to have certain preconceived notions about ppl of other races and cultures, and Africans, although I am clearly a descendent, were no exception.

hmm african americans being racist to other blacks while accusing whites of institutionalised racism. Hmmm.

dtanigwe:

Having taught myself not to judge by these prescriptions, I gave no thought to my husband's nationality when I married him, but I have to admit that now, the quiet protests of my friends and family are starting to get to me and are raising doubt in my mind. I don't want to offend anyone, but in the interest of honest, open discourse, these are the stereotypes and fears that my loved ones present me with:

and why didnt these "loved ones" of yours present you with a fellow AA to marry instead? Perhaps they cant because most of your men are either drug dealers, in jail or the few successful ones have been snagged by white chics?

dtanigwe:

1. Africans/Nigerians only marry american women for a green card and will leave them as soon as they get it. They've usually got a Nigerian wife or girlfriend back home that they will marry and bring to the states after dumping the American wife.

I've come across this one too many times. AA girls asking you first and foremost if you would require them to file for a green card as if it is some life/death trophy. Funny enough, from experience . . . the white girls are the ones who worry more about making sure you get a green card if you do marry them with no trace of suspicion or acting like they are doing u a favor.

I guess this is all a product of low self esteem. For many AAs, the only way to feel relevant or empower themselves is to use the power of the US citizenship to look down on those they think are less "privileged" then them.

dtanigwe:

2. Nigerians are notorious womanizers. If they do stay with their American wife they will callously cheat on her.

Ok and AA men are such faithful men? Why dont you marry one then?

dtanigwe:

3. Africans think of women as objects or property. He is controlling of his wife, her opinion doesn't matter, her place is in the kitchen and having babies, and the man has the right to beat his wife and will often be verbally abusive.

hmmm ok, i remember one AA woman who wont leave me alone because she keeps harping on how amazing it is to finally find a black man who has never been to jail and holds a career job. The AA men she has had contact with though were very abusive, serial cheaters, absent fathers to a litany of kids on the government dole (supported by my taxes by the way) and most likely have no education and hence no means of ever providing for their kids. Good luck with them.

dtanigwe:

4. A Nigerian man wouldn't stay with a black American because her bloodline has been "tainted".

hmmm this one get as e be.

dtanigwe:

5. Nigerian/Igbo men become cold, unaffectionate, and unloving with their wives (and sometimes children)

and AA men?

dtanigwe:

My husband is applying for his residency based on our marriage, and so far has not been any of these stereotypes (except maybe a little controlling, but never abusively so). In fact he has been a stark contrast, almost a perfect contrast. He is extremely affectionate and loving, speaks respectfully to me, never raised a hand to me, and he at least makes me think he considers my opinion on things. My fear is that once his residency becomes permanent will he change?

Shouldnt have married him if you had these fears.

dtanigwe:

Is this a norm? I want to know the truth behind Nigerian men marrying American women and why the marriages that fall apart do so. And also how many of these marriages stay together.

Considering 50% of US marriages never make it past the 2 yr mark . . . i suppose yours would be subject to the same probability irrespective of your ethnic origins.

dtanigwe:
And also how many of these marriages stay together.

are you looking for statistics? I don't think there are any out there.
but most green card marriages don't last long. you took a risky gamble with yours.

whats meant to be will be...

Hmmm...seems I've been given a lot to think about. I got a lot of insight on this issue and thankyou all on your honest responses. For the sake of discourse I would like to respond to a few of your questions/comments.

It seems many of you picked up on the fact that I was raised with pre-conceived notions, and quite a few of you wrongly accused me of bigotry. Having generalized ideas about something is not the same as having hatred toward it. I can tell you that I have honestly challenged every single notion, good or bad, that I was raised with. It was actually part of my motivation for marrying my husband. To challenge those notions that were already presented.

Secondly, I also failed to mention that it was not my family's concerns alone that began to raise my suspicions. There were certain aspects of our relationship that began to make me question him. He became overly secretive, and as I started to communicate my concerns with him he brushed them off as though they didn't matter. Immediately following our initial interview with immigration, he stopped having conversations with me, stopped going out with me, stopped taking pictures, stopped being concerned for my desires at all. He basically became this untouchable enigma in my house. He has never offered to let me speak to his family (I'm not even sure they know I exist) and avoids my family at all costs. He bagan to talk of our futures separately as though I weren't in his and he weren't in mine. And while we still talk respectively to each other, all we discuss are bills. Perhaps we have different ideas about what a relationship should be like, but he never afforded me the opportunity to learn what his ideas were, as he pushed for marriage after only a week of knowing each other. Admittedly, I took a gamble, and only began to evaluate my risk after the fact.

One person asked me about my faith. Show me someone who has NEVER questioned his faith. NEVER asked God "Are you really there?". NEVER asked God, "Is that really what you want me to do?". I prayed for God to bring my husband. Then almost immediately I met this man. On the surface he seemed to be everything I had asked for so I figured he was my answered prayer. It was the things under the surface that has caused me to question. Did I marry my husband on faith? Yes. Do I question that faith from time to time? Yes. What can I say, I'm human. God help my unbelief.

Another running theme people tended to bring up was why didn't I marry an (African)American man. To that I say I never had any expectations about the race or national origin of the man I'd marry. That being said, his nationality didn't matter so much to me. I have a thirst for learning about other cultures so I always figured I'd just be able to adjust. Apparently its not that easy. And, yes, the AA pickings are very slim.

As far as I'm concerned, I am not obese, but I am a thick woman. I was thick when he met me. But I can garauntee you I am beautiful! I love my curves! And they are all in the right places! I was thinner when I was younger and I literally looked sick! so if its a skinny woman he wants he can go have one. I have a bachelor's degree and a good job, and plans to obtain a master's. I'm intelligent, talented, and beautiful. And I love HARD! I have given this man my all, my last, and then some. I sacrificed, I cooked, I cleaned, I respect him, but I have grown weary. My Love tank has been depleted and he has put so very little back into it. I KNOW THAT I HAVE DONE MY PART. So forgive me if I wonder from time to time if this guy is true. It just baffles me that one hour a week of his time is too much to ask of somebody. That $50 a month is too much to ask. That wanting to hear "I love you" every once in a while is too much to ask.

dtanigwe: There were certain aspects of our relationship that began to make me question him. He became overly secretive, and as I started to communicate my concerns with him he brushed them off as though they didn't matter. Immediately following our initial interview with immigration, he stopped having conversations with me, stopped going out with me, stopped taking pictures, stopped being concerned for my desires at all. He basically became this untouchable enigma in my house. He has n[b]ever offered to let me speak to his family[/b] (I'm not even sure they know I exist) and avoids my family at all costs. He bagan to talk of our futures separately as though I weren't in his and he weren't in mine. And while we still talk respectively to each other, all we discuss are bills. Perhaps we have different ideas about what a relationship should be like, but he never afforded me the opportunity to learn what his ideas were, as he pushed for marriage after only a week of knowing each other. Admittedly, I took a gamble, and only began to evaluate my risk after the fact.

My sister, you have been hoodwinked and bamboozled. You did not hold him to the same standards as you would have an American man. He seemed exotic and exciting. You had an empty place in your emotional bag that needed to be filled. So when he started talking about marriage after one week, was there no alarm going off in your head?? You say you prayed and had faith. But I tell you, you did not listen to God's voice or read His Word. "Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God...". Sister, be a fool for no man, but only for Christ. This man wants to be in the US legally. He probably has a wife and children back home in Nigeria. His wife may be encouraging him so that he can provide a better life for his family. Whatever you do, don't let him know that you are onto his game!! Get your behind down to the immigration office quick, fast, and in a hurry. I know you find it hard to believe that he deceived you, but you need to talk to immigration before it's too late. Don't let him prosper from his wickedness. Please don't start telling everyone you know that Nigerian men are liars and cheats. He could have easily been someone from Mexico, Egypt, or any other place where people are desperately trying to escape poverty. If you don't take immediate action, you will end up like so many other American women who come on here crying about how their Naija guy stole all their money and abandoned them. Once he accomplishes his goal, there will be little that you can do. If you want to talk click on my name and send me an email.

American sisters, please stop being so desperate for a man! It doesn't matter where he a man is from. If he doesn't have anything to offer you, except empty smiles and pockets, tell him his currency can't afford anything your shop

dtanigwe: It was actually part of my motivation for marrying my husband. To challenge those notions that were already presented.

Tsk! Tsk! Tsk!

Defying notions or setting out to prove someone wrong is never a good reason to get married.

How long have you known your husband / been married ?

It is very normal (or at least, it sounds very normal to me ) to question your relationship/marriage during the first couple of years, when you start to see the true colors of your partner and settle in a routine. And when you are in a marriage with a foreigner that your family and friends have prejudices about, some simple questions can become bigger and bigger and turn into serious worries or doubts. However, as in every relationship, you are the one living in it in the end, you have to make decisions by yourself based on facts and the things you can accept or not, no matter where your husband is from.

However, the things you listed that your husband doesn't do anymore (going out, talking with you, planning your future together), sound quite worrying. Did you accuse him of being with you just for papers ? Did you offend him in any way ? Has he always been so secretive ? If you want your marriage to work, you have to try to communicate with him and get what is really going on.

So what exactly would you know about a man in week that would make you want to marry him be he AA, African or whatever?

^^^THIS^^^^

Well tbh i would get that divorce and move on. As far as i am understanding this its a marriage of "convenience" for him. tbh alot of Igbo guys marry girls for papers and the scenario you painted sounds like one of those situations to me. Dont be offended. You also mentioned back in your original post if my memory is not failing me that he has a child with a woman in Nigeria. But he calls the woman a witch. My dear this woman could very well be the wife and you need to be careful. You have written a lot of stuff that could be considered warning signs. Also for the mear fact that you are even posting on NL, you have uncertainties. I think you are pretty much gonna be disappointed further so get out while you can. Good luck to you.

@dtanigwe
Sorry about your situation. If you've effectively narrated your story, then this guy fooled you.

There is something about 'class' that gets blurred during inter-national dating and marriages. Someone from the 'right' background in Nigeria wont stoop so low to doing something like that to you. They'd rather pay for such marriages. But it would be difficult for u over there to be able to properly categorize your man's background. If you had close Nigerian friends (that is those born and bred in Nigeria), they probably would have alerted you after relating with the guy.

There are two things that you coud do: 1) Bolt from the union, 2) Evaluate your position with the guy.

The 1st is self explanatory. For the 2nd, u cld discreetly seek to find out the status of his relationship back in Nigeria. If it's only a young girlfriend (25 years and less) without a child for him, then there is still some hope. If it's a wife, a girlfriend in her early 30's or someone with a child for him, then your chances are slim or none existent.

After evaluation, if u feel there is some hope, then your next step could be to establish the kind of women that he likes. If it's not your type, then it's not your type.

Also, very important to Nigerians is family and religious ties/bonding. This is one of the things that keep our divorce rates low. If his family is not a 'hungry', 'underclassed' family this should keep him in check. His long-time local parish both in Nigeria and US (if one of those that frown at divorce) would also help keep him in check.

God bless

dtanigwe:

Secondly, I also failed to mention that it was not my family's concerns alone that began to raise my suspicions. There were certain aspects of our relationship that began to make me question him. He became overly secretive, and as I started to communicate my concerns with him he brushed them off as though they didn't matter. Immediately following our initial interview with immigration, he stopped having conversations with me, stopped going out with me, stopped taking pictures, stopped being concerned for my desires at all. He basically became this untouchable enigma in my house. He has never offered to let me speak to his family (I'm not even sure they know I exist) and avoids my family at all costs. He bagan to talk of our futures separately as though I weren't in his and he weren't in mine. And while we still talk respectively to each other, all we discuss are bills. Perhaps we have different ideas about what a relationship should be like, but he never afforded me the opportunity to learn what his ideas were, as he pushed for marriage after only a week of knowing each other. Admittedly, I took a gamble, and only began to evaluate my risk after the fact.

He pushed for marriage after a week? His papers were probably expiring soon, or he needed a job real quick so he could start supporting his likely wife and child back home. You were conned into marriage my dear. If his papers are not done yet, you better go to immigration and let them know this was a scam.

He has never offered to let you speak to his family? Major crimson red flag right there. This is the worst of all the things he has done to you. Listen carefully and absorb this, it is not normal or proper from an African perspective not to know your husband's family. For an African to keep his wife from his family, it means something extremely fishy is going on. His plan is to marry quietly, get his papers and get divorced quietly and likely bring his wife and child to the US afterward.

Perhaps you have different perspectives of what a relationship should be like? You need to stop trying to rationalize this. It's a waste of time. The sooner you accept what has happened the sooner you can make concrete plans and develop an exit strategy.

Sorry about your plight.

ileobatojo:

He pushed for marriage after a week? His papers were probably expiring soon, or he needed a job real quick so he could start supporting his likely wife and child back home. You were conned into marriage my dear. If his papers are not done yet, you better go to immigration and let them know this was a scam.

He has never offered to let you speak to his family? Major crimson red flag right there. This is the worst of all the things he has done to you. Listen carefully and absorb this, it is not normal or proper from an African perspective not to know your husband's family. For an African to keep his wife from his family, it means something extremely fishy is going on. His plan is to marry quietly, get his papers and get divorced quietly and likely bring his wife and child to the US afterward.

Perhaps you have different perspectives of what a relationship should be like? You need to stop trying to rationalize this. It's a waste of time. The sooner you accept what has happened the sooner you can make concrete plans and develop an exit strategy.

Sorry about your plight.

Well said

dtanigwe: A Nigerian man wouldn't stay with a black American because her bloodline has been "tainted".

And just to set the record straight. There are a group of people within the igbo tribe that have what is referred to as osu caste system. The Osu's were former slaves or forbidden ones a long, long time ago. Even with modernity, some igbo families entrenched in old customs would frown at their kids marrying from the osu caste. Not neccesarily because they hate them, but because their fellow villages might use this to yab their familly.

I've however never heard of this being applied by the Igbos on foreign nationals

another one of these threads?

smh.

@OP
So what did you decide to do my dear?

So what are you deriving from you thread, you make conclusions as if you have met and dine with Nigerian men, to my surprise you said you are Black American so why Nigerian Guy when you know all this, your case is not Genuine to me, because you make conclusion without even knowing a all Nigerian men that much, i always pissed off seeing things that stain my dear count plss

A MAN MEETS A WOMAN AND MARRIES HER IN ''A WEEK??''.
A week?? Are you serious?
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Why would an Igbo man for that matter subject himself to that?
Men that love themselves too much....to subject himself to a life with a woman he barely knows FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE?
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No man(not to talk of Igbo men that have better sense than that) will meet a stranger, and accord her that VERY important role of a LIFE partner....just like that.
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Igbo men value marriage... That's why plenty look very well before tying the knot. Infact with some, it's a herculian task to finally decide to take the big step.
Why? Cos they don't want to regret their choice.
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You do NOT interact with his family...they do not know you. Infact, you don't exist to them. Yet, you are a 'wife?'.
Kai!
This one na blindness, abi na desperation...wetin?
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Any Igbo woman will not believe this thread/the OP.
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What are 'supposed adults' of today turning to? Has marriage become something to be toyed with?
You wanna toy with your future...just because you met a 'fine, nice(suspect), smart, good man?
Has it become as easy as that?
Ok oooooo.
Everyone to their tents to eat off the trees they plant.
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And why is it SO HARD to get their so-called green card, huh?
Why should that be an obstacle to people's progress?
Smh.

yup. green card marriage. Don't understand why you (or any woman) will agree to such in the first place. To me, it's very obviously a sham. But like they say "love is blind" many women will see a pit right in front of them and still jump into it. He proposed to you within a week of meeting. hahhaaha and you accepted without questioning?

I hope you don't have a child with him sha. That would be a tragedy. The best advice is for you to get out of the marriage. Make sure he doesn't use you to get that green card!!