Make a set of rules of what you want the brother to change in his habits. Ensure they are reasonable rules.

Call your husband and his brother and present it to them assertively and with aplomb.

Let your husband know you expect him to monitor the rules are adhered to.

Monitor for about 1 month to see if there is an improvement.

If no significant improvement, get yourself a ticket and go back to Nigeria.

Tell your husband you love him but you will only comeback when his brother is out of the house.

By then, your husband has completely lost the right to even discuss how to improve his behaviour, it is now a case of him getting out of the house.

Make sure you have something to go and be doing in Nigeria. Even when the brother is out, take 2-8 weeks before going back to SA.

Poster
In-law difficulty is one of the 8 major problem areas in Marriage.
Give an in-law an inch, he will go one mile.
The relationship with in-laws is a sensitive one that must not be ruptured whatever the circumstance
There is communication breakdown in the home between you and him
He has no respect and is a rude person, maybe a faulty upbringing or spoilt, pampered child.
Show love to him. Treat him as your own brother. Forgive him his misbehaviours to you
Be friendly with him. He will change.
Be careful how you react. It may be that he is being influenced to misbehave and if you react wrongly, it can backfire dangerously on you.
There is no way that you can resist an in-law without your husband's support. Your husband is in error and seriously at fault by not containing his brother's excesses.
The husband is supposed to protect his wife from the excesses of the in-laws, while maintaining cordial relations between the marriage and the in-laws. The husband is the one to establish boundaries in the marriage for instance an in-law should not have access to the couple's kitchen or bedroom without the wife's consent.
You married the man and you are also married to his whole family and there is no way you can obliterate them.
Show greater love to him and he will change. Try not to explode,please.
The in-law problems in marriage is a terrible one especially in african marriages and one needs to tread carefully.
Talk it over again with your husband calmly.
Check yourself. Is there anything you did to him which created this hostility from him?
Pray to God too. there is nothing that prayer cannot change. Avoid fighting your in-laws.
What you are experiencing is typical of many african marriages everywhere.

blank:

@ poster, do you work? It is just household chores so no big deal in doing them. Men usually feel those things are women stuff. I have my husband's cousin, a female for that matter, who does not clean up after herself. I just shrug and do it, its really no biggie. Can't imagine my husband's brother coming to stay with us and i tell him to wash his plates. What is the difference between washing two plates and washing three plates. About him not knocking, you can politely tell him to do so next time.

Stop complaining to your husband, it will only make him look at u as a nag.

I cannot believe this. why in this world will my husband's younger brother come to my house and expect his elder brother's wife to wash his dishes? my gawd!! this is amazing. my gawd!! i am still screaming. I stay with my husband's nephew and initially, he will walk into the kitchen, dish his food, eat up and dump his plate for me in the sink. of course i called him to order and told him to make sure he washes up his plates after eating, and since then he has never tried to leave his plates for me in the sink. pls note that i dont expect anyone to do my dishes or my husband's dishes, but if you must eat my food, then u must wash [/b]YOUR PLATE!!! [b] I can never wash plates for a 20yr old simply because he is my husband's brother. infact, leaving his plates for me is disrespectful, if i am married to his ELDER BROTHER!!!

Sam Milla:

@ifyalways, that was more like it. She will never remember something like that. All she wants is that the husband beats the silly, dirty, arrogant, boy and send him to prison like potipher did to Joseph. Who knows if the boy said NO like Joseph did.

got me laffing out loud bro,

@coogar, i feel you. I knew it was a pack of well arranged lie from the op. I hate lies and i attack liars without fear. No matured nigerian can claim thayt he or she never heard a similar story. If we call the boy here, trust me , he will make the lady look like evil. I am not someone u can just get my sympathy from half stories. I am sure there are things the boy is doing wrong, comon, he is 20 but i am also sure that the lady is even doing more wrongs. Thats my saying.

@op, if itz true kick him out orrrrrrrrrrrrr

y'all are forgetting that in traditional naija wetin call, the woman is practically chatel to teh husbands family, expected to pick up after the husband's siblings etal.

i remember once a relative my dads age was dating this pakoish chick who was older than me, and she was calling be uncle

the husband is between a rock and a hard place.

both parties are probably at fault in their own way. if the husband has money, let him just put something towards housing his brother somewhere. there is already bad blood, and it is better he does something before someone does something that will lead to a lifetime of strained relations

Sun of god:


And quite frankly, the things you are moaning about are 'women household chores'.

Do you want him to act like your houseboy?

*Vomits*

*Derived heavily from Queensmith. Actually, outrightly plagiarized from her*

OP, sorry o. You have married a man like some of the guys on this thread. They are in support of being a nuisance, disrespectful pig in somebody else’s home. Disgusting.

Listen, even if you have ever offended him, there is no excuse for his behavior you have typed here. He is being lazy and deliberately disrespectful to you. You better toughen up and nip this in the bud.

jus tell his bro to help u deal wif him else, u take action.

he jus tryna frustrate u buh u dont av to let it get 2 u

Sagamite:

Make a set of rules of what you want the brother to change in his habits. Ensure they are reasonable rules.

Call your husband and his brother and present it to them assertively and with aplomb.

Let your husband know you expect him to monitor the rules are adhered to.

Monitor for about 1 month to see if there is an improvement.

If no significant improvement, get yourself a ticket and go back to Nigeria.

Tell your husband you love him but you will only comeback when his brother is out of the house.

By then, your husband has completely lost the right to even discuss how to improve his behaviour, it is now a case of him getting out of the house.

Make sure you have something to go and be doing in Nigeria. Even when the brother is out, take 2-8 weeks before going back to SA.

Give this man a freaking standing ovation!!! WHAT!  

It’s like you read my mind!! I can’t even begin to say how impressed I am right now. There is hope!!

Ehya,i pity the poor lady, it would be a better idea if she call the brother- inlaw's attention and tell him how she feels about his behaviour,tell him to wash his plate,the bathroom after use and clean his room,then if he dnt do all that after like two three attempt, i would advice her to keep quite as her husband told her,and ignore the boy,cos it may be the other wicked sisters-inlaw or mother are behind him,its really fustrating but then she has to just ignore the bad boy.I can't imagine toothpaste and phlegm and foams everywhere in my bathroom,but the husband is not helping matter as he is not addressing his brother on the issue.

@Ify,longtime,asalamu alaykum,if he were to be my lil brother, i will deal with him,infact my lil bro will never try that poo with me.

@Poster,dnt go back to naija o,so the south African ladies dnt infect your husband with disease,you may end up getting one after coming back to your husband.

This is the third thread on in-laws I am coming across today. Therefore, today is in-laws day.

@Poster,if you can cope for 9months i bet you will be able to cope for 3years.
be patient let him study finish then leave your house.
I will suggest you don't go confrontational with him.
Your husband has noticed and is just keeping quite for certain reasons best known to him.
Don't be surprised if your husband just want to test your patience.
Whenever you cook, make sure you dish out your husband's portion first and keep it in a cooler or microwave. i am sure his brother dare not touch it.

There are ways to treat such people that even without being confrontational he will run out of the house out of frustration but let me not hint you on things to do to him now.

Sagamite:

Make a set of rules of what you want the brother to change in his habits. Ensure they are reasonable rules.

Call your husband and his brother and present it to them assertively and with aplomb.

Let your husband know you expect him to monitor the rules are adhered to.

Monitor for about 1 month to see if there is an improvement.

If no significant improvement, get yourself a ticket and go back to Nigeria.

Tell your husband you love him but you will only comeback when his brother is out of the house.

By then, your husband has completely lost the right to even discuss how to improve his behaviour, it is now a case of him getting out of the house.

Make sure you have something to go and be doing in Nigeria. Even when the brother is out, take 2-8 weeks before going back to SA.

leave her matrimonial home and fly back to nigeria?
have you seen how beautiful and how cheap south african ladies are?

maybe this was the husband's plot originally - frustrate my wife so she can return back to nigeria thus clear the coast!
the woman must not move an inch - otherwise, she would be celebrating the birth of a step-child in the coming months.

i dont understand the people saying this woman should just suck it up and move on. I was particularly shocked at blank's response.  

No brother of mine would dare disrespect my wife in my home. Its not a question of you or her, it will be her 110% of the time so go find your own house.

Just 8mths in a foreign land(whc I assume is a western country)d Op is alredy raising so much furore.To b frank,its my honest opinion dat d Op is d type dat will want to forcefully assert her law given,western rights.
Y not excusing d guy's bhaviour,but some wives av lived succesfully wt worse brothers-inlaw.
D part dat got me cracking is quarrel over a piece of meat in d pot,thought it was only in Naija dat soup meat was an issue

uplawal:

@Poster,dnt go back to naija o,so the south African ladies dnt infect your husband with disease,you may end up getting one after coming back to your husband.

coogar:

leave her matrimonial home and fly back to nigeria?
have you seen how beautiful and how cheap south african ladies are?

maybe this was the husband's plot originally - frustrate my wife so she can return back to nigeria thus clear the coast!
the woman must not move an inch - otherwise, she would be celebrating the birth of a step-child in the coming months.

Trust me. If he is prone to banging the SA's finest, then he would be smashing it whether she is in the country or not. It is not rocket science to get round that.

This is her time to say "I respect and appreciate you, but that does not mean I will take rubbish".

Who the fck is he to tell her to keep quiet over very valid complaints. A wife should feel comfortable in her own home.

Yoruba Yoruba people

Treat the experience like a university course :

close you mouth and be humble 101, Make sure you pass with flying colours.
If you want to stay married long.It is not a picnic.

Be nice to him no matter what. Continue to talk to your husband but be very careful. Having said that a 20 year old not washing his plates does not sound real to me  
From Nigeria? Na Dangote pikin?

Is this the family mindset  

You are recently married and these days few marriages make it to the finish line. Marriages are never equal and to make any African marriage work the woman has to sacrifice more than the man.Unfair,I agree but TRUE.These days many women do not give a £$%£ and so many marriages end in divorce. The first couple of years are the most difficult.
I hope you got a job because these days you can't rely on any man. If your relationship is one in which all the money in the house comes from your husband this may be responsible but is still wrong.

Contempt creeps up on you insidiously when you allow people disrespect you,If your husband says keep  quiet that means not confronting him directly but ask your husband to speak to him.Does your husband treat you with respect? If you live abroad without help it is disrespectful if you alone do all the housework.

As I have said many times before I am an Ifa adherent but I know most Nigerians are Christians or Muslims if you are any of those tell your husband that you feel bad enough about the situation to get elders to speak to him if he does not act ultimately he is responsible. Otherwise consult Ifa the All Knowing
I say all of the above assuming you have told the whole truth and nothing but.

PS why only 2 meat for pot na ? Peter Cech and John Terry? Where is Ashley Cole?

What formation is that? 2 4 2 abi dem give una RED CARD

You fall hand there Ooo!

Sagamite:

Trust me. If he is prone to banging the SA's finest, then he would be smashing it whether she is in the country or not. It is not rocket science to get round that.

This is her time to say "I respect and appreciate you, but that does not mean I will take rubbish".

Who the fck is he to tell her to keep quiet over very valid complaints. A wife should feel comfortable in her own home.

More kisses for you!!!

*no hetero*

Sagamite:

Trust me. If he is prone to banging the SA's finest, then he would be smashing it whether she is in the country or not. It is not rocket science to get round that.

This is her time to say "I respect and appreciate you, but that does not mean I will take rubbish".

Who the fck is he to tell her to keep quiet over very valid complaints. A wife should feel comfortable in her own home.

i agree 100%

however, leaving her own house is not the best method to tackle this issue effectively.
the problem would not go and trust me some husbands won't miss their wives. such a threat could backfire.

This Aribisalo man is very funny,"consult Ifa on the issue lol "

OP,
In my opinion, the brother may not want to get himself involved because he knows the younger brother more than you do. It is very possible the brother is a brat who may even abuse him should he interfere. There is also the possibility that their upbringing was faulty and they have been made to see a woman as a slave and not a wife.I would suggest you talk to him and be prepared for 2 things which are: either he changes for the better or he gers worse. He knows what he is doing because he isn't a toddler. His is just the proverbial case of "eni buru mo, oun duro de eni ti o ma so fun" which implies the wicked one knows he is but he is waiting for someone to tell him to his face. If he chooses to go worse, then take a stance and the brother should leave your house because you are the one your husband married except you are not legally married to your husband because marriage is the union between a man and a woman by law and so no other party has rights to live with you.

Op your brother in- law does this he does that haba!, you complain too much, if the guy is your relative would you complain like this? Swear that you didnt maltreat him.
'i feel like going back to Naija', if you need visa back to naija,dont you know where the Nigerian embassy located?
Your husband knows that you are the cause of the wahala that's the reason he tells you to keep quiet.
I have realized that most girls even before they get married have already programmed their mind that in-laws(expecially mother in-laws} are bad and must not be tolerated.
My advice to you, take the boy as your own brother.
[s]You want me to advice you to throw the boy out of the house, lai lai tell them you no see me[/s]

iykak47:

Op your brother in- law does this he does that haba!, you complain too much, if the guy is your relative would you complain like this? Swear that you didnt maltreat him.
'i feel like going back to Naija', if you need visa back to naija,dont you know where the Nigerian embassy located?
Your husband knows that you are the cause of the wahala that's the reason he tells you to keep quiet.
I have realized that most girls even before they get married have already programmed their mind that in-laws(expecially mother in-laws} are bad and must not be tolerated.
My advice to you, take the boy as your own brother.
[s]You want me to advice you to throw the boy out of the house, lai lai tell them you no see me[/s]

Is that how your own brother behaves? He leaves his own mess for others to clean up and enters your parent’s room without knocking? So you would teach your brother to behave like that abi?

uplawal:

This Aribisalo man is very funny,"consult Ifa on the issue lol "

Do not laff oh.
I am suspectin you have read too many book to make you forget the way of our father.
Before i do anytin I consult Ifa but that is me. I said she can also go to shurch or moshalashi is Ok
One time I buy laptop. I did not consult Ogun or Sango then I took it to Lagos and power surge damaged it. When I told book person like you they lafff they said I should have taken precaution. Me too I lafff not only precaution is C caution.
Is it not Ogun that will remind you to take precaution. If you forget him he will forget you.

Sam Milla:

@coogar, i feel you. I knew it was a pack of well arranged lie from the op. I hate lies and i attack liars without fear. No matured nigerian can claim thayt he or she never heard a similar story. If we call the boy here, trust me , he will make the lady look like evil. I am not someone u can just get my sympathy from half stories. I am sure there are things the boy is doing wrong, comon, he is 20 but i am also sure that the lady is even doing more wrongs. Thats my saying.

How dare you come to a bold conclusion that she is lying If you do not have anything to say, you can read and move on. There are cases of some terrible in-laws and I knew one growing up. She was always complaining her brother married from another tribe and compares her food with that of her father all because she is a sickler and so she was raised a brat which usually pissed the wife. All it took was for the woman to remind her that she was there when the Reverned Father asked whoever was not in support of the marriage to raise his/her hands or forever hold his/her peace and since she chose to keep quiet then, she needs hold her peace. The lady reminded the husband she was the one he married and as a result the man had to go rent his younger sister an apartment very close to where they stay.

@poster
As i feel bad for you, I already know what i wont do as a guy. We have already agreed that no one comes to live with us as in "LIVE-IN". It can cause alot of problems. We both have very good relationship with our families but when it comes to our "space". So I really feel your pain. but if it were my wife, our bro-in-law will be gone, sent away by me. not even because of his relationship with my wife, but from all thoses other little stuff. Find a way to let your husband know that the house cannot contain the 2 of you !

ileobatojo:

More kisses for you!!!

*no hetero*

If no hetero, then wetin e be?

coogar:

i agree 100%

however, leaving her own house is not the best method to tackle this issue effectively.
the problem would not go and trust me some husbands won't miss their wives. such a threat could backfire.

If a husband does not want is wife, then what is the point of her staying? To say, "I am married"?

uplawal:

This Aribisalo man is very funny,"consult Ifa on the issue lol "

Better than consulting Jesus or Allah!

@OP, had same problem with a heady brother-in-law. Simply told my wife that i wouldn't want to see him again and the story ended there though he later came back apologizing, just that you are the woman here. Pray your husband understands.