Ilekokonit:
You live abroad where food is very cheap and your brother in law wanting more than one piece of meat is an issue to you ?? Are you sure you did not make part of this story up Who quarrels about pieces of meat nowadays ?? Who eats one piece of meat nowadays ??

God bless you my friend. I want to believe that the boy is guilty of the afore mentioned offences but this particular issue of meat,haba @op you are stingy and wicked!do you eat one piece of meat?why should he eat one?afterall perhaps before you came into the house he is entitled to 2 or 3 why should you change that. I strongly believe you want to impose your rules upon him which was never there from the start. Pls help me ask her what her relationship with the boys parents is and I will show you a liar.

@OP

It is a big mistake to come on a public forum such as this asking for advice because you don't know the age, maturity level and background of most forumites here. Also keep in mind that most Nigerians can be bigots or stereotypical and that will affect how they base their judgements and give subsequent advice. Furthermore, I am suprised that when you chose to marry a Nigerian-bred man you did not take it into consideration that things like this of which you complain so bitterly about are culturally acceptable.

Once you are married into a Nigerian family as a woman, be prepared to become the family's slave. You must keep in mind that in the Nigerian culture, women are viewed as properties and considered inferior though most Nigerians will deny this fact. Even white people in advanced societies treat their dogs and cats with more love, affection and care than the average Nigerian-bred husband treats his wife. This should be a lesson to you ladies who think that getting married and looking pretty in your white wedding gown for 24 hours in front of family and friends will solve all life's problems. Now as you can see, marraige especially to a Nigerian-bred male is a bed of thorns with very few roses if any. You are expected never to rest till you take your last breath. You are expected to keep cooking, cleaning and serving not just your husband and kids but all his family members as well while taking in insults at the same time. The day you drop dead, you will be replaced with another woman in a heart beat. Such is life being married to most Nigerian-bred males. I can only wish you goodluck in your marital endeavours.

Simply confront him and tell him his fault politely.If he refuse to bulge ask him to leave.its ur home.

Once you are married into a Nigerian family as a woman, be prepared to become the family's slave. You must keep in mind that in the Nigerian culture, women are viewed as properties and considered inferior though most Nigerians will deny this fact. Even white people in advanced societies treat their dogs and cats with more love, affection and care than the average Nigerian-bred husband treats his wife. This should be a lesson to you ladies who think that getting married and looking pretty in your white wedding gown for 24 hours in front of family and friends will solve all life's problems. Now as you can see, marraige especially to a Nigerian-bred male is a bed of thorns with very few roses if any. You are expected never to rest till you take your last breath. You are expected to keep cooking, cleaning and serving not just your husband and kids but all his family members as well while taking in insults at the same time. The day you drop dead, you will be replaced with another woman in a heart beat. Such is life being married to most Nigerian-bred males. I can only wish you goodluck in your marital endeavours.

I'd advise that you kindly stick to speaking strictly according your own experience and don't put us all in the same basket!

Folks from my dad's family dare not wonder about anyhow in my house talkless of speaking or acting in a rude manner to my mum.  Who dash monkey Lipstick? My dad makes it very clear ALL the time that when it comes to choosing between his wives and his folks or friends, he will always go with his wife first, the rest of the world can wait. fu[i]c[/i]k off.

The moral of the story:  When choosing your husband, you must watch whether or not he commands a great deal of respect from his immediate family members.

From the husband's angle
That he asked his wife to keep quiet does not mean that he won't find a quiet time to talk to tthe lad. No man wants his wife to be unhappy. Probably husband is buying time so the young lad could complete his education and move on.

Madam should listen to her husband. She should be genuinely polite to the boy. She can never tell she might have need to live in this little lad's house sometime in her lifetime

@poster: u really hv to be careful wt d advice u receive frm pple. I notice some very wise councelling especially frm some males and a very few select and obviously expirienced females.
However, no matter d advice u receive, d one u give urself is d most important.
For me, i'l advice u take it easy. D boy is just getting out of his teens and we all know wot teenagers are like. Thank GOD he's in school (university i hope)!
Those who advice u to ask ur hub to throw him out aint doing u any favors, besides throw a 20yr old out, where? In a foreign land? Haba!!!
Again, wot notion do u hv of in-laws? Nuisances baa? Pls change that.
My little experience, i stayed in a family house wt my bro in Lag. I and his gf who also stayed der where pallies, but immediately her status changed to wife she became a lioness. I'm not d territorial type to fight for such rights so i moved and left for Abuja. Today, thank GOD for HIS mercies and blessings, i pay der daughter's school fees, send dm money periodically and even "dash" my brother a Mitsubishi Diamonte car. Up until today, she apologises for her attitude towards me. I refuse to tell my wife, my expiriences wt her, otherwise she could block my benevolence towards dm.
So my sister, hv patience cos no one knows tomorrow. Good Luck and GOD bless ur marriage. Thru Christ!

na time for disciplination

At 20 your brother-in-law needs to man up! WTF? He should have a job and his own place.

But I really think he shouldn't be your husbands problem. Where are their parents? I would

give your husband a deadline to get his brother out. You can threaten to leave yourself or place

illegal drugs in his bedroom and call the cops.


You are breaking the number one rule of marriage .  . .NEVER let brother/sister live with married
couple. Fire waiting to happen.

deols:

it is a tough situation and the husband isnt making it any better. The boy is twenty. if you got married some nine months ago, u'r most probably in ur early/mid twenties.

You're a simpleton.  Almost all your posts are idiotic.  "Hey, is this picture crying?"  "This tree looks like a praying monkey, bless us." 


OP, why is your husband shushing you? Were you screaming at the top of your voice? You're in a bad situation; use your own money for downpayment for new lodging for that overgrown boy and save your marriage.

im around the same age. go see my room after chop, dining plates dey lie floor for days. dont be so harsh on the boy sha, instead let him be the fool, he will eventually realize what hes doing

Be very nice to your in laws but set boundaries.

Unfortunately it seems they were already living together before you came into the equation.

You also need to set an example. Do you wash your own plates immediately or you leave them in the sink?
If you wash your plates immediately after eating and he eats and leaves his plates unwashed, you simply tell him to the hearing of your husband his brother, pls go and wash the plates you used to eat so that it doesn't breed rodents. Simple and straight forward, no frowning, no show of anger.

Secondly if he barges into your room without knocking, simply and politely tell him to always knock and wait for permission before entering cos you might not be clothed properly and if possible correct him to the hearing of his brother. Again no show of annoyance here.

On the issue of the bathroom, make sure you're either busy cooking or washing clothes and then politely request him to please assist you to wash the bathroom, again to the hearing of his brother, it will be hard for him to say no especially if he is just lounging around the house.

Their upbringing has a large role in his behavior, but it's up to you to help train him in manners but with love.

The op is no longer interested. We can all keep our advice to ourselves.

minute:

At 20 your brother-in-law needs to man up! WTF? He should have a job and his own place.

But I really think he shouldn't be your husbands problem. Where are their parents? I would

give your husband a deadline to get his brother out. You can threaten to leave yourself or place

illegal drugs in his bedroom and call the cops.

You are breaking the number one rule of marriage . . .NEVER let brother/sister live with married
couple. Fire waiting to happen.

By their posts we shall know them,I pity your house boy sorry i mean your husband.

@acidosis ur on track

I am glad a nice fellow just shared a true life story of how the table got turned in his case, and he is now the savior to his brother's family, ranting wife included. Assuming president GEJ had an elder brother whose wife threw out when he was 20, what would that brother and wife  do now if GEJ that we are using as an example chose not to forgive? like I said earlier, do not despise the days of little beginning young girls of Nigerian origin, you are guilty of that. you only see the present moment and hardly think about future, which is so bad of you ALL!

Take the advice from males more cos you yourself know how female advises do end up in real life; disastrous of course, because they only think disaster all the time, especially when it comes to in-laws issues.

Another thing here, is that you need to get a job fast because it is always idle housewives that complain much about in-laws. and again most guys hate to see idle girls, especially in marriage, cos it shows that they are diamond diggers. think of it, how can a lady in this modern day, come into marriage with just a punny, lol, her body and thats all, WHY? that is complete bulshit, a girl needs to get a work, a business, a handwork, etc before going into marriage, because she will end up a nag, a nuisance, etc. SO @OP, TRY GETTING A JOB OR BUSINESS FAST, AND THEN TRY APPLYING SOME POLITE MANNERS AND CHANGE YOUR WAYS TOO. YOU CANNOT JUST COME HERE TO PAINT YOURSELF A SAINT WHILE PAINT THE LITTLE BOY AND HIS CARING BROTHER WHO KNOWS WHAT THAT GUY MIGHT END UP BEING TOMORROW, MONSTERS. CHECK YOURSELF AGAIN AND AGAIN!

NIGERIAN GIRLS IN GENERAL NEED CHANGE OF ORIENTATION ON RELATIONSHIP, MARRIAGE, LOVE, AFRICAN FAMILY NORMS AND VALUES, COS WE ARE LOSING ALL OF EM TOO FAST IN OUR NOWADAYS LADIES'S QUEST FOR FREEDOM AND SELFISH MATERIAL INTEREST. GOOD LUCK!

Like i warned you dont make enemies with the guy

Lets even assume you prevail on your husband to send him out, what do you think the husbands family would think of you?

if peradventure you have any issues with your husband, No one to speak on your behalf, you are already labelled a witch who wants to take away their son

Well, Some immature ones would say they dont care but what inlaws say about you matters not only in African marriages but also in the west.

Make friends with him

Ask him how South Africa is, Ask him about his Zulu girlfriends, talk about experiences in Naija

Warm up to him, I know a lot of women go into issues with a belligerent attitude but that attitude never solve anything

You might think I am sexist, but How come father in laws - Husbands dont have issues, How come 2 strange men meet one another and within minutes they are like life long friends

Some ppl you can avoid but not inlaws especially one that lives with you

If it was your brother,u won't complain.I like the man's response.keep quiet.that is my kind of person.that is how I will react to my wife if she pokes at my family memeber.I have stayed in my uncle's house and I can tell woman are bags of tricks.they only want their family arund.the man should be sane enough to have observed what his brother is doing.most women usually forget that their husband had a family bf the got in and most time they spend all their time trying to break that home.It usually backfire.I advised you be patience and treat him well.U don't have a choice yet.people showed love if they are senile will returned the love.

@Poster. Have you asked your husband why he always ask you to keep quite? I think you and your husband are not moving on well. You will need to give us more information if you really need our advise.

@poster. .wat about setting this guy up. .i can assist u in doing that . .i just need to get your contacts. .

Hahahahahahahaha! You tell your husband and he tells you to KEEP QUIET. Nice , that means you left a huge chunk of the story out. Especially the part where we should have blamed you. Since you told the story in a way that we can only condemn the poor little guy, and crownd it by telling us that your husband who brought you to south africa never said or did anything to the boy, i must say that you are even more wicked than you know. Liaaar.



Its obvious that Sam millar knows this lady very well. She never mentioned South Africa in her post yet you are able to know that she lives in south africa. Maybe you are the guy she is complaining about.

My advise to you madam, is to sit him down and discuss the matter. you also need to sit your husband and let him know what you discussed with him. you should also try you best to be his friend because it will still be unbearable if you continue to snob each other.

Oludashimi(sp) and Ori eja,very well said.

OP,is not serious sha.would she have created this thread if it were her brother?she would suck it up,look inwards for soultion im sure.I don't understand our mindset sometimes with in-laws.We don't even try,make an effort at all before we give up and scream murder,why?cos its an "in-law" !

If she were wise,this boy would be her best pal.Which 20 yrs old is contended eating just a meat?I was once 20 and i wasn't(not talking abt when the family can't afford it)which 20 yrs old was not heady and wants thing done his own way?This boy is prolly used to having things done his own way in the house,he was the one managing the house before OP came around and so it won't be easy giving up that role for the OP.Plus she is not making it any easy for the boy by trying to boss him around.

Dayo's post makes a whole lot of sense.If the OP wants to stay married to that guy,she had better adhere to that advice.

I don't also get the idea of "talk to your husband" either.

C'mmon people,does this mean she can't effectively manage her own home?If she has to sit and talk with her husband cos of a mere 20 years old pranks then the whole marriage years would be spent "sitting and talking"

Would she sit her husband down to talk if it were her own brother?I guess the man asked her to hush cos he cant believe she cant handle a 20 yrs old bwoi.

Every man expects the wife to manage the affairs of the home. . .and the wife earns 100% right to do so when she does it effectively without crying to/bothering the man for every petty issue.

Try loving the boy,treat him right,make him ur friend,be patient and if that fails be firm.Put in rules and what happens when its not adhered to.Your husband is watching everything and would support you without u even telling him a word if you make the effort to "correct" the boy.
Sorry,but the OP have made no effort to correct the boy,she is merely complaining and nagging.

poster,

Treat him as you would treat your own brother. If it were your brother would u clean up after him?

Ilekokonit:

You live abroad where food is very cheap and your brother in law wanting more than one piece of meat is an issue to you ?? Are you sure you did not make part of this story up Who quarrels about pieces of meat nowadays ?? Who eats one piece of meat nowadays ??

This your talk is plain daft! people that are living in an apartment with only on bathroom, and you feel that meat can't be their problem. You do not know their living condition so i do not think that should be the bases of any judgment.
N.B I still eat one piece of meat!

oludashmi:

You have come to complain cos he is not you biological brother.
The better you start start handling him like your biological brother, the better for you
Call him and talk to him with smiles now and then, then he will change
Start seeing him and treating him the way you would to your own bro not a stranger or an in-law

As for thinking to move to naija, it shows you were not matured for marriage and not keen for a lasting marriage in the first place
When you get married, your husband's people become your people and his enemies should become your enemies.
Many of you go into marriage due to age and other reasons, not for the maturity and responsibilities expected of you

I am going through the same thing, although my brother-in-law is not rude(he wouldn't dare). He does not clean after himself, leaves his unwashed plates in the sink, does nothing to help out of his own volition. It is not very easy to deal with issues of this sensitive nature. My brothers can't even try that, the way I'd call them to order will make them change their minds about coming to my house. But then, I can't do that with my In-laws!

There goes your argument of "handling him like your biological brother''. Goodnews is, I'm ready to be patient and ignore his attitude (it is not easy though), but he wont stay with us forever

She don hear una ooo,she is tired if your advises. Some pple are really wise here while some are foolish,imagine someone advocating the poster to set up the 20yrs old teenager. U are mad and wicked. Idiot

chaircover:

At 20 this boy will probably live with you for the next 5 or so years before he gets married himself.

You have a choice; you can live like cat and mouse and gradually go mad from constant strife and erode your marriage or you can do what I do and that is to befried all my husbands aburos. I am so friendly with them that they will feel uncomfortable doing any wrong. Of course they are decent people to start with. They all have nicknames and I joke, play and tease them a lot and I tell you that they all more than happy to do things and bend backwards for me.

They tell me things that they wouldnt even tell their brother and I also seriously advise them. They are like my own brothers. They are not going anywhere so I have a choice on whether to embrace them and we live in peace and see them as welcome additions or I push them away and the day I need them they are not there for me too.

No one is perfect and there will be a few people that will drive you to distraction, but I came to understand that they are family ad they are going no where just as a few people in my family probably drive my own husband cray too 

Please be wise. Whatever you sow in the early years of your marriage will be reaped later on.

I know of a girl in your situation whose husband was living with 3 kid siblings and she was married into the house. She took the "I am the wife and oga in this house" stance and the marriage broke up within 11 months. She was the one who moved out last last. The siblings and the husband have all remarried and living their lives while she is still looking for Mr Right all these years later.

Lol @ the last paragraph!!!  A Very typical outcome!

Splendid post! You indeed deserve the poster of the year accolade.

Smart women make friends with their in-laws even if it is a pretence

Even if the younger was living with the older brother before he married his wife, was the younger brother not cleaning up after himself and his elder brother? This is not a case of brother-in-law or not people should learn to adhere to boundaries, the focus is his intolerable behavior. Imagine if he was older he would probably slap her before her hubby returns. I write based on what the op has written, if it is true then the husband is not playing his cards well, it shouldn’t be difficult for him to observe his brother’s behavior.

@ Op. there is nothing bad in being nice but boundaries need not be crossed, make sure they not the type that would hurt anyone deliberately, or undermine the person. Speak to him, like you would your own brother and if he does not listen pray hard, his brother will one day find out the truth. One day he would leave and get married, and a firsthand experience because what goes around comes around.

skirmish:

I am going through the same thing, although my brother-in-law is not rude(he wouldn't dare). He does not clean after himself, leaves his unwashed plates in the sink, does nothing to help out of his own volition. It is not very easy to deal with issues of this sensitive nature. My brothers can't even try that, the way I'd call them to order will make them change their minds about coming to my house. But then, I can't do that with my In-laws!

There goes your argument of "handling him like your biological brother''. Goodnews is, I'm ready to be patient and ignore his attitude (it is not easy though), but he wont stay with us forever

the best way outta this is to have your own brother come for few weeks and shout at him to wash his plates, that you're no maid. say it loud so your brother in-law hears. he'll definitely knows it applies to him too and if he doesn't get the message, my sister get plenty home videos with such acts and condemn it as u watch while he listens,

^^

, and if he still oblivious?

I don't envy u one bit. I knw what it's like to have that feeling of being in another person's house. It's ur husband i blame and not you or even the in-law.

Your hubby should have made sure every1 understood his role in the house. And for those saying household chores are strictly meant for women, UNE LIE OOO!! If you've ever lived outside 9ja, like some of us, you'd know that in the developped world, everyone contributes as much as he can either financially or physically.

My advice is that you call an educated/respectable old inlaw of yours and narrate the story. They'll give you sugestions as to how to manage this crisis. Your marriage is too young for u to be dealing with inlaws and their wahala. And if it doesnt work out, u'll have to choose to either live unhappy for as long as it'd last or return back to 9ja. He'll come for u when he's ready and when d coast is clear if not, u probably weren't meant to be togeda.