Hello All,

I need your advice on a situation I am going through right now. I am a NLer even though I read way more than I post but I had to create another Id/account to post this as it's a little too personal. I am posting this here beause I dont know who to talk to, and I would rather not talk about this to people around me.

Sorry it's long, I didnt know how to make it shorter without cutting details that might help you understand the situation better.

I recently got married, (august 2011) and my husband and I are best friends. Our marriage sofar has been really good apart a few rocky situations here and there. But there is one particular area that I am very confused about. I don't even know how to start. I am sorry about having to be graphic but I trust that we are all adults and that I can a few pieces of advice from some of you who have been married for a while and know more about marriage than I do.
Well, we have never had s.ex without a condom, basically he imposed that on me. First of after the wedding, I was surprised that my husband was shying away from se.x so we didn't make love til 5 days after we got married and I was kind of surprised when he pulled out a condom but he told me he was feeling "something" down there and refused to elaborate and knowing him I just thought he was lying. It's not like I was expecting to have that "first night" anyways, we were both to tired especially me, but when the next few days I realized he wasnt making advances, I made the first step and he gave me excuses until he finally caved in. I was disappointed because of course as a woman and of course a newlywed you wonder if something is wrong with you especially when he was so excited to get married. I thought it was just a phase so I tried being patient. I told myself that maybe I was just feeding off stories of other newlyweds and after being the one always making advances, and him always saying no I gave up and told myself I should let him be.
We probably had se.x once a week at most or maybe 2 or 3 times a month and every time with a condom. When I kept asking him why the condom, he talked about not being ready for kids and all that, which at the time made sense because our financial situation wasnt the best. But I told him that there are so many different ways of preventing pregnancy and that that's something that we should have discussed together as far as which birth control method to use, not him imposing the condom on me. He never wanted to talk about it, and whenever I mentioned that he wouldnt say anything or would act as if he didnt hear me will tell me thats not the righ moment to talk about it.
3 months later I got fed up and told him I wasnt gonna have se.x with him if with a condom as I am not a casual girl friend or a one night stand. Apparently that didnt bother him since we didnt have se.x the whole month of december and most of january. I went from mad, to sad, to frustrated, to trying to bring the issue calmly, nothing did it. He didnt care, and said we werent gonna have sex if not with a condom. I decided to stop carrying the angry attitude especially since he is a good husband apart from this issue.
Last month after several attempts he finally opened up (or at least it seems) and shared that he was scared of having kids and reminded me of that "something" that he feels down there. Now I didnt think that was true because he has never looked uncomfortable down there, as in when peeing or ejaculating or anything and he goes to the bathroom in front me (the kind that never closes the bathroom door and always finds things to call me and chat about when he is responding to mother nature's calls), I have noticed nothing abnormal at all.
Anyways, I have been having a strong desire to conceive and have a baby for the past few months (especially after everybody of both side of the family keeps making comments or asking if I am not pregnant yet, what are we waiting etc.) and being at wits end I told him that we should both go and get ourselves checked thinking that maybe a clean result on my side might "reassure" him (he has never doubted me, or at least I dont think so, but I wanted all the bases covered), so since we both work he was able to the doc before me. He insisted to go to a urologist so I scheduled his appointment (after much resistance on his part). They did bloodword and the doc called a 2 days ago to tell us that he is suspecting hepatitis B and that I might wanna go get checked for it and he referred us right away to a gastroenterologist for a closer look at the liver. My husband has showed not signs or symptoms of anything and he seemed as shocked as me. Now I am kind of glad we never had sex with no protection but I really do not know what to do or think. He has the appointment to the gastro doc tomorrow and I had to insist and get angry for him to be okay with me coming. Today I had an outburst of anger because I am sick and tired of being the one to try to bring up this issue, figure out whats wrong, choose the right words, make the docs appointments, and smile and say "in God's time" when I get various comments about not being pregnant yet from my in-laws. Thats exactly what I told him today but he doesnt understand why I have built up anger and frustrations from the past 7 months especially coz I am naturally happy and bubbly.

1) I need someone to tell me that I am not exagerating and that it is concerning (regardless of the possible hepatitis) for a husband to insist on using a condom with his wife esp newlyweds. I dont understand why he doesnt understand that this situation is is abnormal, and I had to fight and get really mad for him to even go to the doctor. I told him that if i opened my mouth to share this situation with his people they will tell him that something is seriously wrong with him but he thinks I am making a big deal of the situation.
2) What do I do? I am so frustrated but I am trying not to show it. I love him and will support him through this whatever it is, but what happens if he does have hepatitis b and is lifelong carrier? I really do not know what to think. And what is making me even angry is that I had to go through all this begging and supplicating and crying and confusion and he just seems fine, he is telling me to "relax". I feel like screaming at my in-laws face that your son is not even having making love to his wife normally and you are talking about pregnant.

Please excuse the various typos. And sorry for the length. I really need help understanding this situation and what to do from here. Chaircover, ronkbp, jenny, busybody, and so many of you mature ladies and men (can't think of names), but would like to hear both views. Thanks!

this man has been acting from the beginning LIKE HE KNEW what he had all along. before finishing reading your post, i even thought it was hiv/aids. the reason he is so nonchalant is probably because he knew all along he was infected and he just gave you a cooked up story about not wanting kids.

also, if you guys had discussed LIFE together (before marriage) then you would have known about the supposed issue of not wanting kids, so also blame yourself for marrying a stranger. i suggest you sit down and communicate with your hubby about the future and what you guys can do about the issue at hand. shouting/arguing or telling his family surely wont help solve the problem.

as the marriage is very young, you could always divorce due to deceit (if you are sure he knew fully well of his condition before marriage).many people live happily with hepatitis B (or wost diseases) so all is not lost.

Thks jay for ur answer. Sorry in advance for.typos im on mobile my cellis acting up. We did discuss all of these things including the number of kids n all that so i know he wants kids but not right away according to him. Its true that finances were tough until this year and that he has worked hard for us to be more comfortable moneywise but at the time the issue was not even having kids, it was just having a normal se.xual life. He agreed a couple of weeks ago to start trying in june but again not sure whether that was to get me to stop talking abt it. The bloodwork was negative for everything else, he put the speaker on for me to hear the conversation with the doc. You are right that i am better off keeping my mouth shut to other people but its so hard sometimes. And yeah sometimes i feel like he knew something was up. Thanks Jay for ur input.

When it comes to health they shld be no secret btw couples. I suspect ur husband was trying to protect u but maybe not frm hepatitis B alone.
Insist on seeking a different opinion frm a different doc and insist on going with him. Also be willing to subject urself to tests too.
Sorry to say, ur man might just be infected with something more serious. Listening to d doc on the fone isn't enough.
I'm sorry if it sounds like i'm accusing ur man of having a serious transmittable disease but we've seen all sorts before.
Cheer up and keep.telling ur inlaws that 'it is God that gives kids'.

Get your self checked out for HBV and if you are negative, go and get the HBV vaccine ASAP.

purpleladybug: Hello All,

I need your advice on a situation I am going through right now. I am a NLer even though I read way more than I post but I had to create another Id/account to post this as it's a little too personal. I am posting this here beause I dont know who to talk to, and I would rather not talk about this to people around me.

Sorry it's long, I didnt know how to make it shorter without cutting details that might help you understand the situation better.

I recently got married, (august 2011) and my husband and I are best friends. Our marriage sofar has been really good apart a few rocky situations here and there. But there is one particular area that I am very confused about. I don't even know how to start. I am sorry about having to be graphic but I trust that we are all adults and that I can a few pieces of advice from some of you who have been married for a while and know more about marriage than I do.
Well, we have never had s.ex without a condom, basically he imposed that on me. First of after the wedding, I was surprised that my husband was shying away from se.x so we didn't make love til 5 days after we got married and I was kind of surprised when he pulled out a condom but he told me he was feeling "something" down there and refused to elaborate and knowing him I just thought he was lying. It's not like I was expecting to have that "first night" anyways, we were both to tired especially me, but when the next few days I realized he wasnt making advances, I made the first step and he gave me excuses until he finally caved in. I was disappointed because of course as a woman and of course a newlywed you wonder if something is wrong with you especially when he was so excited to get married. I thought it was just a phase so I tried being patient. I told myself that maybe I was just feeding off stories of other newlyweds and after being the one always making advances, and him always saying no I gave up and told myself I should let him be.
We probably had se.x once a week at most or maybe 2 or 3 times a month and every time with a condom. When I kept asking him why the condom, he talked about not being ready for kids and all that, which at the time made sense because our financial situation wasnt the best. But I told him that there are so many different ways of preventing pregnancy and that that's something that we should have discussed together as far as which birth control method to use, not him imposing the condom on me. He never wanted to talk about it, and whenever I mentioned that he wouldnt say anything or would act as if he didnt hear me will tell me thats not the righ moment to talk about it.
3 months later I got fed up and told him I wasnt gonna have se.x with him if with a condom as I am not a casual girl friend or a one night stand. Apparently that didnt bother him since we didnt have se.x the whole month of december and most of january. I went from mad, to sad, to frustrated, to trying to bring the issue calmly, nothing did it. He didnt care, and said we werent gonna have sex if not with a condom. I decided to stop carrying the angry attitude especially since he is a good husband apart from this issue.
Last month after several attempts he finally opened up (or at least it seems) and shared that he was scared of having kids and reminded me of that "something" that he feels down there. Now I didnt think that was true because he has never looked uncomfortable down there, as in when peeing or ejaculating or anything and he goes to the bathroom in front me (the kind that never closes the bathroom door and always finds things to call me and chat about when he is responding to mother nature's calls), I have noticed nothing abnormal at all.
Anyways, I have been having a strong desire to conceive and have a baby for the past few months (especially after everybody of both side of the family keeps making comments or asking if I am not pregnant yet, what are we waiting etc.) and being at wits end I told him that we should both go and get ourselves checked thinking that maybe a clean result on my side might "reassure" him (he has never doubted me, or at least I dont think so, but I wanted all the bases covered), so since we both work he was able to the doc before me. He insisted to go to a urologist so I scheduled his appointment (after much resistance on his part). They did bloodword and the doc called a 2 days ago to tell us that he is suspecting hepatitis B and that I might wanna go get checked for it and he referred us right away to a gastroenterologist for a closer look at the liver. My husband has showed not signs or symptoms of anything and he seemed as shocked as me. Now I am kind of glad we never had sex with no protection but I really do not know what to do or think. He has the appointment to the gastro doc tomorrow and I had to insist and get angry for him to be okay with me coming. Today I had an outburst of anger because I am sick and tired of being the one to try to bring up this issue, figure out whats wrong, choose the right words, make the docs appointments, and smile and say "in God's time" when I get various comments about not being pregnant yet from my in-laws. Thats exactly what I told him today but he doesnt understand why I have built up anger and frustrations from the past 7 months especially coz I am naturally happy and bubbly.

1) I need someone to tell me that I am not exagerating and that it is concerning (regardless of the possible hepatitis) for a husband to insist on using a condom with his wife esp newlyweds. I dont understand why he doesnt understand that this situation is is abnormal, and I had to fight and get really mad for him to even go to the doctor. I told him that if i opened my mouth to share this situation with his people they will tell him that something is seriously wrong with him but he thinks I am making a big deal of the situation.
2) What do I do? I am so frustrated but I am trying not to show it. I love him and will support him through this whatever it is, but what happens if he does have hepatitis b and is lifelong carrier? I really do not know what to think. And what is making me even angry is that I had to go through all this begging and supplicating and crying and confusion and he just seems fine, he is telling me to "relax". I feel like screaming at my in-laws face that your son is not even having making love to his wife normally and you are talking about pregnant.

I think intimacy should be the last thing on your mind at the moment. Check that man from head to toe for all diseases known and unknown. Don't be desperate to get an infection that might not have a cure. You have to be rational about this, if he has a disease that is transferable to you and/or will affect your sex-life. I suggest you walk, since the man did not respect you enough to tell you the truth from the beginning, it is best you salvage your life and move on.

Your family and friends will love to have you divorced and alive than to have you married and dead.

[b]OP,
Sorry to hear about your situation.
Had to read your post two times,but could not confirm if your husband has hepatitis B or not.
Did the doc confirm it or not? You need to be very clear on this!
Even if one doctor gives a negative or positive diagnosis,It would also be proper to get a second or third opinion from other medical doctors,to set your mind at rest.

From the original post I could pick out that your husband wanted you guys to wait before trying for a baby because the finances were not too rosy-It is not easy bringing a baby into the world nowadays.
I believe you should trust your husband and he might have his reasons for not wanting a baby right now.
On the other hand if you can communicate with faceless individuals on line-then you should be able to communicate with him!
Let him explain to you why he insists on using a condom when making love to you.The answer might be simpler than you think.Please remember communicate with him in order to get to the bottom of the mystery.
[/b]

If a man has been ill 10 days and you drag him to the hospital and the Doctor asks how many days he'd been ill, the first thing that comes outta their mouth is 1/2 days, this has always happened time and time and time again. Men don't handle illnesses well, even common cold, it goes against the grain of being seen to be macho and all manly, hence reason they turn to babies when ill, so you the female would be the one to take the proactive role here.


I know how unfair and hard it is on you, but you are in this together, he chose you out of many so you have now embarked on this path in the journey of life together now. . . You are feeling broody and would love to have babies so the last thing you need is stress which would destabilise your menstrual cycle.


A lot of men in this instance could turn selfish and sleep with you and try to blame you for infecting them, but he is trying to keep you in the loop. He too must be in a bad place himself, racked with guilt and fearful of what he could expose you to and helpless that he can't do much about it. But remember he loves you and you love each other, and he is still communicating with you. He needs your support and your love and a sense of normalcy and reassurance that everything will be alright.


Find a quiet moment to walk up to him and let him know you are in this together now, that his concern is now your concern, his worries, your worries, so he needs to work with you and be more open with you. . .


To keep an eye on the balance, so it would not look like you are the one doing all the legwork which could start making you resentful of him, and to reassure him you understand the babies can wait "for now", tell him you both need to open a couple of joint bank accounts together, separate from your individual personal accounts, one for household expenses and the other one with the bulk of the finance for YOUR FUTURE BABIES.


Tell him you are getting yourself tested and vaccinated, then go and get yourself tested to reassure yourself. Get yourself vaccinated against the virus to protect you and your unborn children from being infected.


Advise him you both need to go to seek the advice of 2 other medical professionals to pinpoint exactly what the situation is and to find the way forward.


Let him know he needs to abstain from alcohol to protect his liver. Also inform him he needs to keep an eye on his diet and to start eating liver friendly foods. And start researching types of medication he can go on, to alleviate his condition.


With regards to those meddling and pokenosing about the absence of pregnancy, let them know you are trying to be responsible parents hence saving up properly before introducing children into the mix, and that this WAS A JOINT DECISION BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR HUBBY. Most of them would back off at this stage.


If the MIL (as usual) continues to probe you, jokingly call her aside and tell her something like "Mummy, left to me we could still start having babies right now, but you know your son ma. . .and I don't want to go against my husband and start disrespecting him as the head, so please Mummy why don't we do it this way because of your age and wise experience can you help me talk to my husband about this issue, I am positive he will respond favourably. . ." You could also involve your FIL.


Who doesn't like flattery and "challenges" ehn and this way you would offload the burden onto their heads whilst you can continue with the pressing matter ahead, but of course you need to let your Hubby know what you have discussed with his Mum in order not to catch him unawares, and in future if the whole thing has to come out, everyone would understand the selfless magnanimous backseat role you played in protecting your Husband's honour.


Above all, you need to stay strong "mentally" and let him know the importance of this too, that you need his support in this aspect too and need him to lean on as a crutch, that you are in this for better for best.

Were you guys intimate before marriage?

I think your husband knew about his health conditions before marriage but decided to keep it away from you.

Insist of going to different specialists for HIV,hepatitis and other std tests.

You might want to move your thread to the health section for better contributions.Till when you guys get to the root of this matter,please continue using a condom with your husband,it wont even be a bad idea to invest in female condoms.

ifyalways: Were you guys intimate before marriage?

I think your husband knew about his health conditions before marriage but decided to keep it away from you.

Insist of going to different specialists for HIV,hepatitis and other std tests.

You might want to move your thread to the health section for better contributions.Till when you guys get to the root of this matter,please continue using a condom with your husband,it wont even be a bad idea to invest in female condoms.

Honestly, I burst-out laughing at the bolded. You don't want OP to be kobalized! Seriously, this is not a minor issue. Why did the man hide it from her before marriage?

^What's "kobalized" first?

Well,if my husband for whatever reason insists on a condom,i don't need anyone to tell me to get myself some female condoms while at it.

ifyalways: ^What's "kobalized" first?

Well,if my husband for whatever reason insists on a condom,i don't need anyone to tell me to get myself some female condoms while at it.

Ify, you are a Yoruba speaker. Kobalize is a word I coined from the Youruba word "Koba" which has its roots in "Akoba" which literary means to create problems for another person.

Hence, "kobalize" means to create (serious) problems for another person.

Wow, thank you guys for all your contributions, I didn't expect as much. When I was writing yesterday I was very angry and confused. I felt like I made life way too easy for him concerning this matter and I was feeling like picking up the phone and talking to my sister-in-law, who is a close confident of mine. But I kept remembering one advice that was repeatitively given to us which was to keep our problems within ourselves, so thats mainly why I came here. So thanks much guys for your wise opinions.

@Gaggi and @chaircover, yes there should be no secrets and thats what I kept telling him. My husband is a naturally quiet (especially in public)and mature which is what attracted me to him. He is also very discreet and usually very wise; I am the only person with whom he feels almost entirely comfortable and he took some time for him to get there and I agree with you chaircover that I thought maybe he wasnt comfortable enough.

The evening that the doc called, he looked scared and frightened and he reverted to a little boy; I held him and told him all will be ok and that we would get thru it together, he also asked me a couple of questions on hepatitis b (I am a nurse) and asked me how serious it was. But I did tell him that my main problem was exactly what you stated: he doesnt talk. I told him I am the only and the best person to help him because I am his wife, and that we were on the same team whatever he is thinking there is no reason to see him as a potential enemy or someone who may judge him and condemn him. I reminded him that I loved him and that was the only reason I was there, and the only reason I kept being patient all this while.

And yes I totally agree with you chaircover about him not taking it seriously enough and thats what I told him, but again it should not surprise me much because he is naturally very negligent; he is the type that waits until the last minute for important things, does things halfway, does not follow through so he leans on me for a lot of things.
Although he is the main provider, I am the one that reads and dissects, summarizes for him and keeps all the important documents and stuff whether his, mine or ours (he gives it to me right away to keep)- he couldnt be bothered with paperwork, I pay the bills, the rent, I file our taxes, reminds him of important things and he defers to me for almost all the decisions esp the important ones, and even dates/deadlines, prices of important things we bought, account numbers etc. I have all the pin numbers for all sorts of accounts so he just lets me handles almost everything related to our daily life (I am very organized when it comes to paperwork and the sorts). My point is that I do feel like maybe he knew something was up but maybe not what exactly and since he is very negligent I am sure he did not take it seriously enough to do anything about it. If thats the case he should have opened to me completely so that we would have done what we are doing now earlier.

@Chaircover, I wish I could find someone that he respects and trusts and with whom he can confide who would advice him or help us. And I have thought about that but I really can't see who could do that without judging him or potentially making that into a topic of gossip in his family which is not what I want. I don't want anybody to be looking at him as the brother who has hepatitis b or does makes love to his wife with a condom. You know how we africans are now, we might be visiting family and the reaction of people will just change towards him. The thing is that I don't trust anybody to help and advice us without repeating it to somebody else. Their community is very close-knit and it would just spread. Plus, his dad is a very respected person (he is a chief) so that would just affect everybody. And unfortunately his mother is of late (she passed when he was just a little boy, 6 or 7 years old) and his stepmother I do not really have to contact with (she was the stepmother from hell to him and although he forgave her, I dont like her at all).

@Ade, I have been vaccinated against HBV already since I am healthcare worker. But yes I am going to ger myself checked all the same. The vaccine is not foolproof.

@Maclatunji, thanks for your advice. No, intimacy has been the last thing on my mind for a long time. The main problem was the "why" and of course when you can't put your finger on something, it grows bigger than it would be if you understood what it was. And you are right. I should not be desperate to get something that might put in danger. After asking God questions for a long time, if you know the way I praise and bless God for condoms, you will really think they are the best thing since sliced bread.

Richvkunt: [b]OP,
Sorry to hear about your situation.
Had to read your post two times,but could not confirm if your husband has hepatitis B or not.
Did the doc confirm it or not? You need to be very clear on this!
Even if one doctor gives a negative or positive diagnosis,It would also be proper to get a second or third opinion from other medical doctors,to set your mind at rest.

From the original post I could pick out that your husband wanted you guys to wait before trying for a baby because the finances were not too rosy-It is not easy bringing a baby into the world nowadays.
I believe you should trust your husband and he might have his reasons for not wanting a baby right now.
On the other hand if you can communicate with faceless individuals on line-then you should be able to communicate with him!
Let him explain to you why he insists on using a condom when making love to you.The answer might be simpler than you think.Please remember communicate with him in order to get to the bottom of the mystery.
[/b]

Rickvhunt, we dom't know for sure whether he has it or not. He is going to a gastro enterologist this afternoon who will decide what needs to be done to conclude with certainty what it is. I did tell myself that maybe I should just relax for baby issue and just wait for him to be ready because I gave him the benefit of the doubt that his behavior was only related to family planning. I am really on the fence of trusting him or not trusting him and although I want to wise and cover my own back I dont know want to start having all sorts of suspicions about him. But maybe I should, I don't know. The thing is that he is such a good husband to me apart from this issue (which is an important one) that I almost feel like I am betraying him just by not trusting him. I don't know how to explain that feeling.
Believe me oooo, I have tried communicating. And I know I am champ when it comes to that. I have tried. I just feel he is withholding something. I will keep trying. Thank you oo.

@op
Just take it easy as it seems u run things in the marriage. U need to be calm and supportive.
Me thinks ur husband has high regards for u and wouldnt want u to contract any disease.
Ensure he test for Hiv as hepatitis makes one more vulnurable to Hiv. All d best. Just relax ma'am, if it's just hepatitis then you don't have much of a problem.

Shaking My Head at OP's husband. The only logical explanation is that he is hiding something or afraid of something.

Busy_body: If a man has been ill 10 days and you drag him to the hospital and the Doctor asks how many days he'd been ill, the first thing that comes outta their mouth is 1/2 days, this has always happened time and time and time again. Men don't handle illnesses well, even common cold, it goes against the grain of being seen to be macho and all manly, hence reason they turn to babies when ill, so you the female would be the one to take the proactive role here.


I know how unfair and hard it is on you, but you are in this together, he chose you out of many so you have now embarked on this path in the journey of life together now. . . You are feeling broody and would love to have babies so the last thing you need is stress which would destabilise your menstrual cycle.


A lot of men in this instance could turn selfish and sleep with you and try to blame you for infecting them, but he is trying to keep you in the loop. He too must be in a bad place himself, racked with guilt and fearful of what he could expose you to and helpless that he can't do much about it. But remember he loves you and you love each other, and he is still communicating with you. He needs your support and your love and a sense of normalcy and reassurance that everything will be alright.


Find a quiet moment to walk up to him and let him know you are in this together now, that his concern is now your concern, his worries, your worries, so he needs to work with you and be more open with you. . .


To keep an eye on the balance, so it would not look like you are the one doing all the legwork which could start making you resentful of him, and to reassure him you understand the babies can wait "for now", tell him you both need to open a couple of joint bank accounts together, separate from your individual personal accounts, one for household expenses and the other one with the bulk of the finance for YOUR FUTURE BABIES.


Tell him you are getting yourself tested and vaccinated, then go and get yourself tested to reassure yourself. Get yourself vaccinated against the virus to protect you and your unborn children from being infected.


Advise him you both need to go to seek the advice of 2 other medical professionals to pinpoint exactly what the situation is and to find the way forward.


Let him know he needs to abstain from alcohol to protect his liver. Also inform him he needs to keep an eye on his diet and to start eating liver friendly foods. And start researching types of medication he can go on, to alleviate his condition.


With regards to those meddling and pokenosing about the absence of pregnancy, let them know you are trying to be responsible parents hence saving up properly before introducing children into the mix, and that this WAS A JOINT DECISION BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR HUBBY. Most of them would back off at this stage.


If the MIL (as usual) continues to probe you, jokingly call her aside and tell her something like "Mummy, left to me we could still start having babies right now, but you know your son ma. . .and I don't want to go against my husband and start disrespecting him as the head, so please Mummy why don't we do it this way because of your age and wise experience can you help me talk to my husband about this issue, I am positive he will respond favourably. . ." You could also involve your FIL.


Who doesn't like flattery and "challenges" ehn and this way you would offload the burden onto their heads whilst you can continue with the pressing matter ahead, but of course you need to let your Hubby know what you have discussed with his Mum in order not to catch him unawares, and in future if the whole thing has to come out, everyone would understand the selfless magnanimous backseat role you played in protecting your Husband's honour.


Above all, you need to stay strong "mentally" and let him know the importance of this too, that you need his support in this aspect too and need him to lean on as a crutch, that you are in this for better for best.

Busybody, thank ooo, thank you soo much. You are a very wise woman. I am trying to take the proactive role, just like I have always done. I am going with him this afternoon. I was so angry and cold with him yesterday I feel bad, but I certainly don't want him to think that everything is cool. But I will be supportive and helpful and encouraging without taking any crap (lol, I guess Im still a little mad). It's just that I was told my many of my in-laws that I was a blessing to him and to them, the best that ever happen to him. And recently somebody that was praying for me told me that my husbands sees me as the mother he never had and that I should stand by side like a mother would and I promised I would. Jeez, this life is not easy ooo. I am grateful that he insisted on protecting me but I never told him that. I just feel like I deserved to be protected anyways because I ahve nothing but good to him but at the same time maybe I shouldnt take that for granted coz I have heard stories of others who werent so lucky.

Yeah you're right, I'll convince him to go for a 2nd and maybe 3rd opinion, but for anybody who lives in the US you know how health insurance is now. Thats gonna be costly as we dont have that many gastroenterologists participating in our insurance. This country is really crappy healthwise if you dont have a good medical insurance. And yes we have cut out alcohol, thats the first thing I told him. He usually gets bad acid reflux if food is too fatty or oily so that helps and he eats much healthier than I did before I met him so that changed our eating habits. But yeah I'll brush up on diet alternatives.

As far as my cycle, don't worry oo, it's already messed up. In fact those issues as just compounded. I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrom when I was 17. At the time the solution was a daily low dose estrogen to regulate it (they dont usually do anything about it until you are ready to start trying to conceive) so I was put on BC pill and I took it for about 5 years (various froms of it from the pill to the patch to the ring). I stopped 4 years ago and its never been the same. I have long irregular cycles some of which are anovulatory so I really wonder how long it would take for us, which is partly the reason why I really wanted us to start trying but I guess this is all being pushed to the side as there is more important matters to deal with right now.

ifyalways: Were you guys intimate before marriage?

I think your husband knew about his health conditions before marriage but decided to keep it away from you.

Insist of going to different specialists for HIV,hepatitis and other std tests.

You might want to move your thread to the health section for better contributions.Till when you guys get to the root of this matter,please continue using a condom with your husband,it wont even be a bad idea to invest in female condoms.

Ifyalways, thanks for your advice. I'll try and convince him to go to other specialists. Not sure if he will agree since it was already negative. I have even considered abstaining from se.x now that I know. We have always been doing it infrequently anyways so at this point I don't think none would change much.

Gaggi: @op
Just take it easy as it seems u run things in the marriage. U need to be calm and supportive.
Me thinks ur husband has high regards for u and wouldnt want u to contract any disease.
Ensure he test for Hiv as hepatitis makes one more vulnurable to Hiv. All d best. Just relax ma'am, if it's just hepatitis then you don't have much of a problem.

Gaggi, thank you oo. You all are so nice... no wonder the family section is the only one i really hang out at that much. He tested for hiv too, it was negative. He also did a general comprehensive std panel and was negative for everything else. Thank Gaggi. I wish I could send you guys virtual hugs... ;-)

maclatunji: Shaking My Head at OP's husband. The only logical explanation is that he is hiding something or afraid of something.

I wonder what... I wonder what...

chaircover: @purple bug I really admire your stance on this. You have the right attitude and I pray that you will reap the fruit of your labour Amen. Reading between the lines I can see that you really love your husband and you genuinely want the best for both of you.

You are on the right path; keep on encouraging him and being there for him, be his rock and I believe that in time, he will open up to you and feel safe with you.

From experience I can tell you that it takes time, but once he sees that he can trust you, he will take you in his confidence and then you can work future issues out together as a team much earlier on, so please no matter how angry or frustrated you are; try to never use his private issues as a verbal weapon against him during arguments

And with what you have described about the family situation, I agree that it is best to keep this issue between the two of you; no third parties.

It’s good that you are having medical intervention. That is a positive step. Try as much as possible to accompany him to all his appointments and ask as many questions as possible. Take a note book with you so that you can write down what is being said during the consultation. Consultations can be very quick and ones tend to forget what is said.

Hang in there girl. It will be well

Eeyaaa Chaircover. I wish you could adopt me as your daughter so I could run to you with all sorts of issues. I always had a lot of admiration for your wisdom with family matters and even humility when there are disagreements on opinions on this thread. I needed the kisses and hugs badly lol... Thanks sooooo much
Yes, I love my husband, he is good man. We have been there for one another and he truly tries his best to make me happy. He has his flaws but who doesn't? I remember posting on my regular ID a few months after our marriage about the fact that he wasnt as affectionate as he was before we were dating, and you and others adviced me. We talked about it and he has improved a lot or maybe he was just stressed with the money situation. He really tries. When we argue, he always makes the first step even when I am the one who is wrong. He is truly a sweetheart. Sometimes I feel like he is a little boy trapped in a 33 yo man; thats how simple and humble he is. Mostly always in a good mood, trying to make people laugh, make them comfortable, always going above and beyond to help people.

As far as the negligence, his passion is computers and thats all he cares about. Computers, motherboards, routers, switches, LANs, WANs, servers and all that crap. So thats not only his job and its also his hobby and his side business, half our bedroom and now one of the walls in our living room is covered with all sorts of IT equipment. I told him he cannot neglect the rest of his life and just focus on what he likes. But he knows I am here so he nods yes but he goes right back to his computers. When we argue sometimes I tell him that he should go and ask his computer to cook for him or to look for the receipt for the gps, or the last cisco equipment he just bought, or that he should go spend some time with his computers and leave me alone since as at least they wont talk back at him. I have grown to accept and even get interested in his IT stuff since its our main source of livelihood and its what he likes. He even tried to talk me into letting him train me. But his negligence will kill him I swear.

His family his awesome (for the most part) apart from the constant nagging about me not being pregnant (most of other women my generation who got married into the family, some younger than me have 1 or 2 kids, while still pursuing their professional dreams and ambitions) and they seem to love me like one their own. The gossip part, well, most people gossip including me, who doesnt like juicy stories? I wouldnt really blame them if they did repeated it, I would blame myself for opening my mouth in the first place. I really want to help maintain a good image of my husband and its dignity as a man. I truly love him and I have been working hard on building trust so our marriage can have a solid foundation to stand on. I think I have done pretty good if he can let me handle all his money, his bank cards and everything else thats under his name or our name. But I guess it's not enough yet.

I will try and be there at all the appointments. Anyways I understand the medical jargon much more than he would and could ask the right questions. I'll keep praying but I'll be assertive on my feelings and my impressions of whats going on. I will not spare him anymore. I wonder how can do that and be encouraging.

You all are amazing, thanks for your opinions. I'll keep you posted on today's appointment goes.

Have this man do an HIV test by a doctor you are familiar with before he even smiles at you again. Something is definitely up. He has something he is hiding and it is not just Hep B

@ Op, I really really like you. You sound very mature and well put together. I do not have any advice for you as it seems you have the issue well under control. Continue to be supportive and his missing rib, you will reap the reward in due season. If your husband already has an issue opening up to people, even telling his mum (if she was still alive) would not be advisable.

God will continue to give you the wisdom you need to carry on. A couple of years down the line; you will look back at this situation and wonder why you were even worked up at it. You will have as many children as you want and will continue to be a blessing to your family and to your extended family.

My dear, you are doing well, people have bombarded you with good advices.

My take is that, i don't think your hubby himself knows he is really sick, the fact is he knows something is definitely wrong somewhere, hence the pain he is having or discomfort he is having down there, and moreso maybe he has been putting going to the doctors' off (procastination) some men know how to prostinate things. and that pain he is goin through has affected his s/e/x life, You have been very understanding and i appreciate that, whatever the case maybe, i hope you both are healthy, i don't know how old you guys are, but the mentality of having kids immediately after wedding, has put so many marraiges in confusion and problems, Let your mother-inlaw know when she ask next time, that you both (with her son present) are taking your time and trying to save-up for the children. Don't worry everything will so be fine, and don't think your hubby is hiding anything from you, he is not. You guys are just beginning to know each other (that you dated for years) is not a yardstick for a marraige to be good from the beginning, do not compare your marriage with those that have been in for 10-30years, it takes a lot of hard work to be able to build up trust in one's spouse, and eveything will fall into place with time.

Purpleladybug, first off, I have to commend your maturity on this issue. Let me assure you that the kind of maturity you have displayed is quite uncommon amongst women. Second, everything should be clear to you now. Obviously he knew he had something and he was trying to protect you. So, kudos to him on that, but he should have told you before you got married, if he was aware.

Anyways, the situation is not complex anymore. What you need to do is make sure that he goes to see the doctor, and you guys get a conclusive diagnosis on what's going on. If it's just hepatitis B, educate yourself about it and explore if it's possible for y'all for have unprotected sex without you contracting it and without the future kid contracting it. If this isn't possible, then you have a decision to make.

Good luck..

@Purpleladybug
however the test comes out, you know fully well that your hubby got something, and by the looks of how he is handling the issue of test etc, you CANNOT TRUST HIM. i know of men who send their "clean" friends for test and then use the result as their own, so PLEASE, take this man by the hand and GO TOGETHER for the complete test (complete as in E V E R Y possible sexually transmitted diseases on earth) until you find out what he is hiding.

@purple,
Reading your story, i like you guys already.
A simple, good family.

However, you must realize this is just a little hiccup right now.
Just support your husband at this critical time, it's much easier that way.

I see you are like his mother, please don't be too hard on him.
See him through the treatment and thankfully you have had a vaccine.

You guys should start trying for kids as soon as treatment is complete.
In 9mths bring us good tales. . .

Dear OP, just want to encourage you. All is not lost and you
And your husband should communicate more like you ve started doing.
I actually admire the relationship and closeness between the two
Of you.

It seems from your post that he was as shocked as you were to
find out it was hepatitis......so is it possible that the
hepatitis was an incidental finding and he was actually
concerned about/ hiding something else?

I think hepatitis is very infectious, even more so than
HIV and you can get it from saliva,sweat,tears,urine even
without contact with semen.....that's sometimes how people
in facilities like prisons/boarding houses get it even without
sexual intercourse. You can confirm that as a nurse yourself.
Since your vaccinated I would nt worry so much...I want to
believe that after vaccinating you they checked your antibody
titres to make sure they were adequate and gave you a booster
if they weren't

Cheers

Outstrip: Have this man do an HIV test by a doctor you are familiar with before he even smiles at you again. Something is definitely up. He has something he is hiding and it is not just Hep B

Outstrip, thanks for the advice. We had the HIV test done along with 7 others STDs (comprehensive std panel) and the doctor who checked, ordered the labs, read the results and called us is the urologist that I had chosen.