dbisiback:

Ok if you insist i was wicked to have married him i accept though i didnt mean to be. Like someone rightly said i didnt want to be alasheju if you know what that means.

The kids has no idea trust me, we jist like 2 good friends, we laugh believe me we do so many things that if you know us you simply wont believe anything about us not loving each other or me not loving him, we go to parties together the problem is emotion, i mean having any kind of erotic feeling at all.

That i am strong and havent commited any form of adultery hunnnnnn believe me i have once some years back i nearly confesed to him but at the end didnt. I am sorry to disappoint you but there is no need covering that up to make myself look like a saint.

That i have spot for him trust me i dont, he is like a friend to me without any kind of emotion, none whatsoever.

That i should go to God in prayer, i did will keep doing it.

Thanks loads

First,your husband wronged you and from your statements he has tried to make amends,but you have refused to let go.What i think is the problem now is your guilt of wronging him.Bottling up guilt or negative feelings can create emotional distance,they are very dangerous..it becomes worse when you are a good person or someone that hardly forget things.

Confess to your husband and free your mind and spirit,If he forgives you,good for you.

taryour:
Secondly i must comend u staying dis long,even witout d love u av stayed commited to ur family witout comiting any form of aldultry. Realy u are a stong woman.
Thirdly wot u need to do now since u av made up ur mind to stat with ur family and make it work means u still av a small spot for dis man.
Go to God in prayers,tell God to help u forgive ur hubby completely,Talk to ur hubby from d depth of ur heart,tell him how u feel and apologise to him.

OP,

I promised to be back. I kinda go with taryour's statement above.

I don't agree with those that call you wicked. Our society and culture have a way of putting undue pressure on us in circumstances like this.

I believe you have a misconception of what love is. We expect the butterflies to keep flying. You are looking for love in the wrong place (all those wishywashy love stories come with a lot of heartache). For you to have stayed committed to your family all these years is a sign you love him. You expect to have the spark and all that . . . but, I think those are things you can build up if you put your mind to it. Stop dwelling on the past and start thinking of things you and hubby can do together as fun. Thank God, you said you are good friends... May be you are just frigid about sex.

Please renew your mind. Greater love is commitment and that is what you have my dear. All the best!

Tgirl4real:

OP,

May be you are just frigid about sex.

Are there any Nigerian women like this? Mostly they are lesbians who can't come out a de closet.

OP, I can see you refused to answer my question.

The other man you slept with - was this a one-night stand or an affair?

Why did you not leave your husband for this man?

I really dont understand this whole thread. You are staying, good for you. Why are you opening a thread if you are so confident about your decision? People have better things to do than to worry about your indecisiveness and insecurity. Sorry for being rude.

^ I agree.
She has resigned to her fate. but still extremely bitter about it. not a very good recipe for success.

I'm wondering if this woman is some kind of masochist or punishment maniac.

She can't stand her hubby but she wants to remain with him.

She has no sexual desire for her husband. In fact, sex with him is like r.ape. Yet, she endures the r.ape "just to please him"

She actually found a man that she liked enough at least to sleep with. So what happened next? Was it a mutually agreed upon one-night stand? Did she want a relationship and possibly marriage but the guy just wanted quick sex?

I get the feeling the OP is simply afraid of being a divorcee even though her marriage died long ago. She is scared of what people will say even though she is miserable.

Or is it that she feels she is no longer in top shape physically and might not attract a new husband? So she'd rather endure a miserable marriage and regular r.ape?

2mch: I really dont understand this whole thread. You are staying, good for you. Why are you opening a thread if you are so confident about your decision? People have better things to do than to worry about your indecisiveness and insecurity. Sorry for being rude.

You are not rude, its your opinion. But dont you think you can ignore this if you have better things to do? I didnt ask you to worry about me just thinking aloud and hoping someone could have something to say that could help me.
Thanks again anyway.

c.fours:
^ I agree.
She has resigned to her fate. but still extremely bitter about it. not a very good recipe for success.

Yes i have.

blacklion: OP, I can see you refused to answer my question.

The other man you slept with - was this a one-night stand or an affair?

Why did you not leave your husband for this man?

I didnt ignore your question i have just not been chanced to visit here to answer. Its a shame really and yes it was a one night thing. He wanted us to have an affair but its not worth it i cant eat my cake and have it. Be married to a man and be sleeping with another.
I cant leave my husband, its too complicated in our culture. We have kids and all. Its more than you think.
Thanks for asking.

blacklion:
She can't stand her hubby but she wants to remain with him.

She has no sexual desire for her husband. In fact, sex with him is like r.ape. Yet, she endures the r.ape "just to please him"

Where i come from its not only your happiness that matters the kids, family et al

blacklion:
I get the feeling the OP is simply afraid of being a divorcee even though her marriage died long ago. She is scared of what people will say even though she is miserable.

You are right. What people will say, what he might do, i have the feeling he will prefer me/us dead than see me walk out the door.

blacklion:
Or is it that she feels she is no longer in top shape physically and might not attract a new husband? So she'd rather endure a miserable marriage and regular r.ape?

I am not a beauty queen but believe me i am not in a bad shape, at least that much God blessed me with. I look fit enough and younger than my real age. Some people has had to ask me to produce my bc to confirm the age i claim is real. Though you are right about 'not attract a new husband'. There are too many single sisters for men to choose from than a 'once married' lady from a failed marriage you know

@op the thought of that voice mail is killing ur emotions towards ur man. Do find it in ur heart to forgive him nd move on. U alone can bring this light in ur home. I believe ur hubby no longer sees his ex. If he does not be happy nd show ur man love. Ur own is that u heard only wht about me that saw nd heard yet i forgave him nd moved on but the reason why i left is cos that he refused to let go of her nd at same time no sex for years. Forgive nd forget abt the incident. Ask God to help u cos its not easy.

Big thanks to everyone who took their precious time to read and reply no comment is ignored trust me.
I pray this ends with me and no one will ever be in this kinda situation ever.

@chaircover please check your mail.
Thanks

dbisiback: Big thanks to everyone who took their precious time to read and reply no comment is ignored trust me.
I pray this ends with me and no one will ever be in this kinda situation ever.

Thanks

Amen!!!

what happens when the world and earth beg you to do things you don't want to do? 10 years of a loveless marriage.

'beg him' 'pet him' 'pretend to him' at the end of the day our thoughts and emotions cannot be dictated by the outside world. Only we can decide what to feel inside.
How you can have children with a man you do not love or even decide to marry him is absolutely beyond me, imo you deserve this, simply because you didn't respect yourself enough to walk away when you knew you should have.
It may just be you are the type of person who cannot let things go, in that case I advise you to seek therapy, you have to learn to forgive and forget. Experience is only to make us wiser, not to gain enemies, especially not making your husband one.

queensmith: what happens when the world and earth beg you to do things you don't want to do? 10 years of a loveless marriage.

'beg him' 'pet him' 'pretend to him' at the end of the day our thoughts and emotions cannot be dictated by the outside world. Only we can decide what to feel inside.
How you can have children with a man you do not love or even decide to marry him is absolutely beyond me, imo you deserve this, simply because you didn't respect yourself enough to walk away when you knew you should have.
It may just be you are the type of person who cannot let things go, in that case I advise you to seek therapy, you have to learn to forgive and forget. Experience is only to make us wiser, not to gain enemies, especially not making your husband one.

you are right, she should have aborted them!!
may 2012, you still reason like someone born in the 15th century.

coogar:

you are right, she should have aborted them!!
may 2012, you still reason like someone born in the 15th century.

what the hell are you on about?

queensmith:
what the hell are you on about?

i was attacking your comment...you said the woman shouldn't
have had a baby by the man she does not love. so if you don't
love a man and you get pregnant for him, you abort it?
i mean - does that make any sense to you?

coogar:

i was attacking your comment...you said the woman shouldn't
have had a baby by the man she does not love. so if you don't
love a man and you get pregnant for him, you abort it?
i mean - does that make any sense to you?

actually it does- sounds like a very good reason.

I assumed they had a problem before they got married- hence the 'why marry a man you do not love' commment.

queensmith:

actually it does- sounds like a very good reason.

I assumed they had a problem before they got married- hence the 'why marry a man you do not love' commment.

how many women love the men they married? it seems you don't stay on this planet.
women often marry the men who are ready to take them to the altar. sometimes
the men women love are not ready for marriage when the woman is ready.

Poster, i think you mean you don't have those butterfly-feelings for you hubby, you know when you think about him and your heart skips a beat, when you think about his touch and you are melting and so on....you have never felt that way for him from the beginning and that is why you are still not having those crazy feelings for him. Not everybody is opportuned to marry the man they are really crazy about (majority of such unions turn sour anyway). Am sure you married him because of his good qualities and think maybe someday "i will love him or the love will grow...". Sometimes it happens, but majority of the times it remains the same story, we have seen men leave their wives because of the lack of the said "love".

There is nothing you can personally do at this point, you have managed with him for 12 years, you can manage with him for another 12, and another 12. The same way and method you used to still remain in the marraige, use it. But it will be unfair to that man, if you treat him anyhow because of the way you feel, you owe it to him to show him all the love and care you can give, after all, you knew this before you went into that marraige. Everybody makes mistake, you saw him worthy of forgiveness and that was why you forgave him, "let the past be" and move on.

You say you knew God since you were young, i guess you know that you can pray to Him and ask Him to touch your heart and fill your heart with love for your hubby. I wish you well.

OP,
I lied. I was trying to be rude. Now, this pointless attention seeking thread is unnecessary. And if you put your business outside you lose the right to say who can think it pointless. We all know your husband is on NL. Your juvenile attitude of bringing your problems that are not really problems is very annoying. Am sure you open threads on NL to get attention from your husband rather than having these discussions. You are an attention seeking person. If you cry wolf too many times, people begin to feel less sorry for you. Quite frankly you are immature, and unforgiving. I see why you got married to him with this your mindset. You probably thought you had him my the balls because of things he may have done, and with your attitude you could turn it to your benefit. But things have since backfired. I suggest you stop opening attention seeking threads on NL and talk to your husband. Except you want people to babysit and beg you not to do it, which you will go ahead and do anyway as usual. Please stop wasting bandwidth and face your problems squarely. . Maybe you can try to change your attitude to life. And since you have agreed to stay be prepared to fall in love and be long suffering. I can see your attitude being very boring and annoying after a while to any guy, to the extent of him finding refuge somewhere else. A lot of women push their men outside. check yourself. You are as guilty. . Sorry again

coogar:

how many women love the men they married? it seems you don't stay on this planet.
women often marry the men who are ready to take them to the altar. sometimes
the men women love are not ready for marriage when the woman is ready.

Chei! true talk . . .lol

Just like what my girl just told me about her colleague who told her she was getting married to a man she does not like. (note the word here, LIKE, NOT EVEN LOVE). when my girl told me, i was just confused, why marry someone you don't even like, not to talk of love? for what? she's around 32 and has been dating this dude for just few months i guess (the previous BF disappointed her and i guess she's trying to take it out of the next guy).

I don't understand this, why would a woman marry someone you don't have any attraction for? you have sex with your "husband" without any emotion? is that not equivalent to a prostitute? God help me o.. hmmmm OP believe me if i was the man and you end up telling me you never loved me since 12 yrs we have been together, hmmmm maybe both of us won't see the next 7 days because it's the HIGHEST betrayal a man can ever get. (men love loyal women, but in your case you are not and not even ready to tell him).

dbisiback:

I didnt ignore your question i have just not been chanced to visit here to answer. Its a shame really and yes it was a one night thing. He wanted us to have an affair but its not worth it i cant eat my cake and have it. Be married to a man and be sleeping with another.
I cant leave my husband, its too complicated in our culture. We have kids and all. Its more than you think.
Thanks for asking.

you're really not making sense.

what exactly is the point of this thread?

assuming you started the topic for your husband [if there is one] to see, well, you had an affair, he had an affair- what are nlers supposed to do for the two of you?

poster


if the numerous affairs, the alleged 10 years of sexless sex, the whatever else you say is going on, are not affecting your decision to keep the man or leave him, then kindly start a blog or go to journal section to soliloquize, and stop disturbing people for no solid reason.


unless you have a more juicy story?

anyway, whoever understands her point should advise her sha [or whatever it is she wants].

cant make head or tail of the whole thing.

did a nler ask her to leave her husband?


was it a male nler she had the affair with?

dayokanu?

Lol @ tpia. You are one character. This minuite I like you and would wanna hug you, the next will hate you.
All in all, you be character

tpia@:
anyway, whoever understands her point should advise her sha [or whatever it is she wants].
cant make head or tail of the whole thing.
did a nler ask her to leave her husband?

what's there not to understand? the woman is staying with
her husband in spite of the fact that it's a loveless union
after 12 yrs. her purpose of making this thread is to de-stress
and ooze out those bottled-up emotions. the internet is the only
place she can reveal this as it's faceless and nameless..no one
knows this story apart from this community.

was it a male nler she had the affair with?
dayokanu?

wide off the mark....
she had it with debosky!

coogar:

how many women love the men they married? it seems you don't stay on this planet.
women often marry the men who are ready to take them to the altar. sometimes
the men women love are not ready for marriage when the woman is ready.

Right, since love is subjective lets put that to one side.

Whether or not these people believe they are in love, it makes sense to assume they will have a substantial amount of compassion and affection for the person they want to marry. It is also safe to believe most consult with themselves to make sure the relationship is a viable one. If you are saying this isn't the case in reality then i'd say most people are stupid.
Whether or not most people get married for love, those with sense will reason well enough, only a thoughtless idiot will marry someone she has no feelings for, an even more senseless slowpoke will have children with him.

queensmith:
Right, since love is subjective lets put that to one side.

fair enough!

Whether or not these people believe they are in love, it makes sense to assume they will have a substantial amount of compassion and affection for the person they want to marry. It is also safe to believe most consult with themselves to make sure the relationship is a viable one. If you are saying this isn't the case in reality then i'd say most people are stupid.

talking through your rose-tinted glasses again.
marriage is a big issue in nigeria. after a certain age, a babe is expected to
tie the nuptial knot. in most cases, the man she loves is not ready for marriage
yet and the babe is in a huge pressure to marry from family, relatives n friends.

then she decides to take her plan b on board. plan b is a guy she doesn't love at
all but the dude is ready to marry on the spot. the woman then settles for her 2nd
option just to carry the title of "mrs". it's called marriage of convenience. she's
only satisfying the society - not really herself. sadly, that is what is happening
in naija these days.

Whether or not most people get married for love, those with sense will reason well enough, only a thoughtless idiot will marry someone she has no feelings for, an even more senseless slowpoke will have children with him.

easy for you to talk.....
once you are pushing 30 and above.....even aki n pawpaw would be considered
by you! don't stay in the uk making these colourless comments. go and stay
in nigeria for a year or 2 and then feel what these babes are going through.