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Re: If Your Spouse Dies First? by Nobody: 3:24pm On Nov 26, 2007 |
dablessed: I'm sorry about your loss at such a young age. It's interesting that almost every lady who's posted here has re echoed the same thing that ALL WOMEN REGARDLESS OF HUSBAND'S INCOME OUGHT TO HAVE A PAID JOB. I made that statement on another thread and some housewives wanted to hang me by my mammary glands ![]() Have nothing against how people choose to live but we'll be fools not to learn from other people's nasty experiences. Even if part time,twice a week,she'll be the better for it. Cooking and cleaning and changing diapers will not look good on a CV when and if she tries to get a job. |
Re: If Your Spouse Dies First? by Shinatu: 3:39pm On Nov 26, 2007 |
@dablessed Thank you for making your personal experience available for other people to learn from. I am sure it has made this issue more real to people. Your suggestion about knowing your to inlaws well before marriage is very critical. |
Re: If Your Spouse Dies First? by dablessed(f): 4:03pm On Nov 26, 2007 |
Shinatu: Nice to know it has blessed you!! |
Re: If Your Spouse Dies First? by wakagirl: 4:43pm On Nov 26, 2007 |
What an interesting thread! How i wish my dad read this before he died! Let us all learn one or two things here to avoid what people like us faced in life in the hands of our baba's brohter and sister despite our father's wealth. It can only be imagined. Its good to plan for unforseen circumstances because things we did not plan for may sure happen. |
Re: If Your Spouse Dies First? by olanajim(m): 5:54pm On Nov 26, 2007 |
Nwando, Thanks for your contribution on the insurance. Maybe we would get to that stage where insurance can cover every aspect of our life. We would get there. But that bttuck insurance sound crazy. Of what use? It is true, some men are secretive to their wives and this stem from lack of trust. This observation is enough to let everyone know that sometimes, what we call love is nothing but exageratted affection. Most couples sustain their relationship not for love but for the sake of their children. In such instances, they are bound to be secretive. It is good for us to be observant right from the courtship. Sadly, many are blinded by love to see the trap before them. Jkpretty, some people get it right but we lives in a world where the wrong outweight the right. Uchetobi A widow at 28? that is a sad news indeed. Yet it happens. Maybe we all need a new orientation. Men and women. Shinatu, you are right, but it is not just about in-laws grabing the "family cakes" after their bread winner departs this sinful world. It is more complicated if the departed soul is the only bread winner in the family. In that instance, the wife must refuse to play a house wife no matter the million allowance. It is a critical situation. Even if the family does not come for the wealth, she would find herself in a humanitarian situation where she had to assume full responsibility of the family on both sides. And if she did not have managerial ability to manage the resource, as in case of my neighbour, then, it is all the same. On when a wealthy woman, dies first, it is rare for responsible men to neglect their children even if they re-marry. Often the tell-tale signs are there to guide women. Beside, women must always write their will in favour of the children if they suspect their husband is irresponsible and if he is polygamous husband. I think a careful observation during courtship would make one decide on the steps to take. |
Re: If Your Spouse Dies First? by almondjoy(f): 6:11pm On Nov 26, 2007 |
@dablessed Dannnnnnnnnnnnnnng! What a shocker! Sorry about that dablessed. That was too cold--to digest! ![]() ![]() |
Re: If Your Spouse Dies First? by olofinjeje: 9:29pm On Nov 26, 2007 |
You cannot force a man to write a Will or he will raise the roof claiming you are trying to kill him.A well written and registered Will solves a lot of problems and I can assure you that the courts do recognise its contents. Women ,empower your selves financially-If your breadwinner dies it can reduce your standard of living drastically. Now in a situation where the wife dies first-I also suggest you leave instructions-A Will as well.Let one or 2 people(key people oh!!) know about this.This is so important if children are involved-you may not want your children to stay with your husband(as he will definitely remarry-especially if he is under 55)or you prefer that your children go to a particular family member whom you believe will be best situated to look after them. Both male and female think carefully about whom you put down as next of kin. Know that when you put someone other than your spouse ,you have left the decision concerning the disbursement of that asset in that person's hands. Finally I would advise everyone that when you buy land,purchase shares or even cars,that you buy it in the name of a company(set one up) or a trust.This way the directors or shareholders can be people you care about(your children or spouse).The advantage of buying assets,shares and even using a company account is that a company does not pay death duties.A company bank account may have more than one signature mandate,so your financial need will not be stalled whilst death matters are being addressed . |
Re: If Your Spouse Dies First? by dablessed(f): 9:46pm On Nov 26, 2007 |
almondjoy: Thanks almondjoy!! His strength has been sufficient indeed, |
Re: If Your Spouse Dies First? by spoilt(f): 1:21am On Nov 27, 2007 |
@dablessed kpele oh! God will be with you. when a woman dies it really isnt an issue. ![]() All her belongings transfer automatically to her husband and children by naija standards. No body really jostles with him for ownership. maybe i am wrong but i never really see anybody giving the husband hell. |
Re: If Your Spouse Dies First? by iice(f): 6:49am On Nov 27, 2007 |
spoilt exactly! atleast from what i remember. Dablessed, sorry oh. . .and enlightening - hope some women learn from your experience. |
Re: If Your Spouse Dies First? by jkpretty(f): 9:01am On Nov 27, 2007 |
Dablessed i thought i had goose bumps on this topic, but your story, oh God! is so touching, God is your strength woman. I understand what iice & spoilt are trying to say, It is naturally believed that that the wealth of the family belongs mainly to the husband here in Africa, so If the woman dies, i've not seen any case of wife's people going after the property & sending the guy packing. The reverse is usually the case. Forgetting that there are women who actually earn more money than their husbands, but have decided to make this lay low within the family & make it not obvious to those outside e.g driving the less expensive car & making the husband drive the more expensive one. Many ladies are in this position. It can only be known to the public if the Status of the woman is so high & can't be overlooked.(although i admit that not all women are that good) Now if such woman dies her wealth all goes to the husband & no family comes sneaking. Is it now that if we've realized we are successful, probably more than our husbands, we should keep mute about some investment put to the name of only our children? i think its really unfair to the women because not all women have the heart of holding that kind of secret. Its really pathetic the way u see things change in families when, especially the husband dies. My best friend in Primary school just just in j.s.1 when her father died, & by the time i came home for holidays myself, i was told that, they've all moved to their village. That the father's family came to take all they had & asked them to go to the village. I guess that was the first time i was seeing life! We wrote letters to each other until after Sec. school & lost contact. All that time i was young but it pained me so hard, i wish i were older. This is someone i know the life she lived before reduced to a village girl. I think is fair for the guys, but more painful for women if the husband dies. |
Re: If Your Spouse Dies First? by iice(f): 9:13am On Nov 27, 2007 |
And the children don't get to have something of their father ![]() |
Re: If Your Spouse Dies First? by choco4life(m): 1:25pm On Nov 27, 2007 |
This is a challenge to sisters out there, Get your butts up and lay your hands on something. Death does not give a warning, try to be INDEPENDENT. |
Re: If Your Spouse Dies First? by eezzy(f): 1:31pm On Nov 27, 2007 |
@topic It really is pathetic whatever happens to women when their husbands die. I only know of one lady who stood at the door of her house with a machete and dared any of her husbands relative to touch even a pin in her house an luckily she got away with it. But the majority of women really suffer from jealous village relatives who have always eyed whatever you have without lifting a finger to get their own, always praying for the day their brother will die so that they can get everything. The craziest thing is that they'll come for those things whether your husband bought them or you from your clothes shop or job.There should be a lawagainst it!. |
Re: If Your Spouse Dies First? by dablessed(f): 3:42pm On Nov 27, 2007 |
Thanks for your kind words ladies! Thankfully, i did not experience any kind of maltreament from my in-laws. Perhaps, because they are quite enlightened and possibly because i had a cordial relationship with them while my hubby was here. I dont think i would have been able to cope well if they had chosen the wicked path, it honestly would have been double trauma, if you know what i mean. I am glad eveyone has learnt one or two things my my scenario. Lets keep sharing and praying for one another. It is well, |
Re: If Your Spouse Dies First? by olanajim(m): 7:09pm On Nov 27, 2007 |
So what about when the wife die first? Men certainly don't find it pleasant to lose their wives. What is the scenerio like? dablessed, thanks for sharing that part. Could you educate us on the emotional cost? So far, we have concentrated on the wealth. But l suspect that side is nothing compare to other losts. What do we have to say of losing a partner you love so much at early age with children? How do we find the experience and what do you suggest? |
Re: If Your Spouse Dies First? by almondjoy(f): 9:34pm On Nov 27, 2007 |
It is easier for most men since they re-marry almost immediately--not because they have stopped loving their wives but because it is easier for most men to re-marry than for most women to re-marry. Men rarely feel helpless in the event that they lose their wives--for they have greater support systems in society from families and friends. Most women are not that fortunate. Men are better planners, and more realistic than women and already know what to do if such a thing as death of a spouse occurs. Their needs are easier met by having a companion in old age. Men will gladly substitute while most women cannot get past the loss of their spouses----always looking for the original, never a duplicate-they take it harder and cannot easily remarry in most cases--and like to live mostly in a world of fantasies---happily ever after stuff. As long as a man can have his needs met in the kitchen and the bedroom, they can move on. Not so easy for most women. Bottom line it is easier for men because they usually remarry in less than 2 years and move on with their lives in body even if not in spirit. The society we live in makes it easier for them too. While you hear things like oooooooooh it is not good for a man to live by himself--women are other other hand praised for mourning their husbands for life. You hear things like-oooooooooooooh she must have really loved him. What a lucky man? Women need to learn to plan better by believing in the power of "subtitution" too! ![]() |
Re: If Your Spouse Dies First? by Nobody: 10:18pm On Nov 27, 2007 |
This girl you smart o. when you are not playing around you do make a whole lot of sense ![]() I hope this statement doesn't invite your nairaland lover,frankies ![]() |
Re: If Your Spouse Dies First? by spoilt(f): 10:25pm On Nov 27, 2007 |
i swear her arch nemesis will surface anytime now . ![]() @nwando whats up with you guys changing your names all the time? anyway no matter how many times you change your names i can detect the spirit behind each poster! ![]() |
Re: If Your Spouse Dies First? by almondjoy(f): 10:36pm On Nov 27, 2007 |
Na hear una dey? Hey! it is called almondjoy syndrome! Sometimes you feel like a nut--sometimes you don't! ![]() Oh? My boyfriend-Frankies? ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() I am looking for a new thrill? Any suggestions--before a lose ma skills? Shoooooooooooooot! Abeg talk berrra! ![]() I no go IT school ooooooooooooooooooooooh! ![]() |
Re: If Your Spouse Dies First? by almondjoy(f): 10:45pm On Nov 27, 2007 |
spoilt: Na which kain question be this? ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Over to you nwando--this is wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ourrrrra of ma league! ![]() O ga oh! Confession time and me never ready to repent ooooooooooooooooh! ![]() |
Re: If Your Spouse Dies First? by dablessed(f): 11:01pm On Nov 27, 2007 |
nwando: Very, very well said, Almondjoy did make a huge amount of sense in the post below. In as much as she could be on fire with her choice of words sometimes ( as in the case with frankies), i must say that she does make very very productive comments, She is multi talented is she not?, Emmm Almondjoy baby, whats up with you and frankies? I believe you have made up, almondjoy: Wonderful!! |
Re: If Your Spouse Dies First? by almondjoy(f): 11:26pm On Nov 27, 2007 |
dablessed: Thanks baby doll. As for Frankies---lets just say "some things grow stale faster that others---especially small small boys used to climbing grannies"! ![]() That comes with a lot of "Xperience"! My pleasure always! ![]() Hey, let the music play on! It is the season to be jolly. Merry Xmas and a Happy New 2008 Y'all! ![]() |
Re: If Your Spouse Dies First? by dablessed(f): 11:35pm On Nov 27, 2007 |
olanajim: To answer your question on "So what about when the wife dies first? Men certainly don't find it pleasant to lose their wives. What is the scenerio like?", i'd say: read almondjoy's post above surrounding this. Now, on the emotional cost question, of course you have said it all by saying that the emotional cost is nothing compared to other costs. Absolutely true!! Being separated from a loved one by death is traumatic. A nightmare it is and better not imagined i promise you, however, if you prefer to exercise your mind and thoughts, then you can begin to imagine what its like to live in hell for only 60 seconds, Bottom line, its not a palatable experience but with time, it gets better. It is very true that healing comes with time. I can say that i am not where i used to be emotionally, its been 68 months and i get better by the day, i can talk about it nowadays without shedding a tear, i used to find it really hard to talk about him to my 6-year old daughter who was only 10 months old when it happened, but now, we talk about him, see pictures of him, pray for him and answer any questions she asks without any emotional outbursts. I can say that i have moved on in other aspects on my life but would admit that i have been a lill slow relationship wise. Almondjoy did some justice in her previous post and i do agree it is somewhat not easy for women to move on after losing a loved one. |
Re: If Your Spouse Dies First? by dablessed(f): 11:40pm On Nov 27, 2007 |
almondjoy: Merry xmas and a beautiful 2008 dearie, Make a wish for the coming year and i promise you it'd come to pass. |
Re: If Your Spouse Dies First? by almondjoy(f): 11:55pm On Nov 27, 2007 |
Back to this lovely topic! You should not only plan for your surviving spouse. Sometimes you have to plan when both spouses are lost at the same time! ![]() Please ooooooooooooooh! Women plan better so you can be as flexible and resilient as men if we ever lose our spouses. Get out of your fantasy world and be willing to give someone else a chance in your lives like men do just to keep body and soul together. Not that you have to, but like your male counter parts who remember you in spirit---you have to live your lives to and remember them in spirit too--no with body soul and spirit. Finances, finances, finances!!!! Take care of your finances. As for the in-laws thingy. That is a very foreign concept to me. I am not used to dealing with meddlesome family members. I never heard of that "property" struggle mess in my family---Everyone pretty much minds their own business and maintains a great deal of automy within the indivdual families. Not very communual in living as I can say. I only watched all that jazz in Nigerian movies! I guess the least educated people are, the more they are prone to entrust their finances to other members of the family other than the surviving spouses. ![]() Well to those of you experiencing that kind of "stuff". All I can say is goodluck. Married people should always make available alternative "powers of attorney" in the event that both spouses are lost at the same time and there are kids involved. Preferrably--in this order 1. The surviving spouse 2. The next best thing--God parents or Any reasonable couple from the male spouse's family. 3. Next any reasonable couple from the female spouse's family. Let it be known that the bulk of your estate will only be inherited by your kids upon reaching the ages of 30! Leave just enough for their education and upkeep! People you feel you can trust--not the best time to be "super secretive". Yeah like in Nigerian movies--people can turn evil on your estate and kids--but you really do not have any control over that do you. Encourage frequent visits between your kids and potential custodians so that at least "some" kind of a bond will be establised in the event that both spouses are not around due to unfortunate circumstances. |
Re: If Your Spouse Dies First? by Nobody: 12:02am On Nov 28, 2007 |
almondjoy: They'll have to swim seven oceans and seven seas to get to God's own country. And if they do make it,it would be a tussle between the sherrifs and and their German shepherds. |
Re: If Your Spouse Dies First? by Nobody: 12:06am On Nov 28, 2007 |
spoilt: The obantalapipipi killed and buried her for having a big mouth I was even shocked ![]() ![]() ![]() same with thiefofhearts,the girl's body is yet to be found ![]() |
Re: If Your Spouse Dies First? by omoge(f): 12:11am On Nov 28, 2007 |
LOL ![]() ![]() ![]() nwando: |
Re: If Your Spouse Dies First? by omoge(f): 12:16am On Nov 28, 2007 |
adding to what i have learnt so far. good one you all ![]() |
Re: If Your Spouse Dies First? by almondjoy(f): 12:16am On Nov 28, 2007 |
dablessed: My wish is that I do not see any grey hair on my body to remind me of old age! ![]() Amen! God's blessings to you always! ![]() dablessed: It can be unpleasant for most men, but they do better because of cultural and societal coping mechanisms. They just seem to deal better with the whole situation. You are a perfect example as to how cope and you have demonstrated that life can go on no matter how difficult. The good news is that you are still young. The not so good news is that you have to work twice as hard to provide for your daughter and plan for her in the event that you are not around- Heavens forbid. If I were you--I would have long re-married within 2 years. Why? You are do damn young to live the life of a widow. Also, I have to provide an intact family for my daughter by providing her with a male role model and other siblings to get on with my life. Some other environment that does not remind her of a loss and my misery A man would have done that and would live a very healthy normal live without thinking twice about it. Not saying you should go and grab anyone out there and get married to. There is got to be someone out there preferably a single father or a widower like myself. Would not really go for single dudes since, I really do not have time to sample around unserious minded folks with no responsibilities--and all their level of unseriousness. I'd definitely look in all the right places- Including Nairaland ![]() But I have to think of my daughter and I can never provide the best for her knowing that the cruel hands of fate that snatched my husband could do the same to me. I have to leave her with something more solid. Like a man who would love her like his own biological child--hopefully. I believe in the power of subtitution and that life has to go on--no matter how difficult. |
Re: If Your Spouse Dies First? by MrTurkey(m): 12:23am On Nov 28, 2007 |
almondjoy:so what's gonno happen when eventually the grey hairs come? |
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