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| Re: thanks by ronnietilo: 6:04pm On Jun 25, 2012 |
@Awoloto After 18 years i think you should be able to identify what has crashed or is crashing your marriage. You need to sit down and analyze it carefully and address the root issue.As a psychologist, I know that most marriages have issues of "reverse reasoning" (Usually in the early phase) where the current impression/views of your spouse is the opposite of what it was before the marriage.Also your husband is probably expecting more from you in some areas and you are not able to meet up. However, do you know if your husband has found love outside the marriage(you should have seen pointers by now)? Have you spoken to his close friends to guage what impressions he has formed of you outside your home? etc. If your husband isn't physically abusing you, i suggest you stay put and adjust your point of view such that you can still find some form of happiness in your home. Look up to God and trust Him. At the right time you should see changes come. |
| Re: thanks by passerby: 6:06pm On Jun 25, 2012 |
contrary, ur children will love u more, cos wen the grow they will understand wat u did for them. like i do now |
| Re: thanks by drzed: 6:07pm On Jun 25, 2012 |
awoloto: There has been no infidelity,when i say he knows i wont leave him, i mean that he knows my views about children having to be brought up in broken homes. I was a product of that too, and its not plesant at all. yes theres a lot that is not being said, but i have been a dutiful caring wife and wonderful mother to my four children. I feel for you. To start with, you need to develop a thick skin on Nairaland if you dare to bring your problems to this forum. Some people only come here to vent their frustration on others. You dont sound to me like you need pity or further abuse from people who dont even know you. What you want is help or advice on how to move on. As for your specific problem, I am afraid that your life is passing you by. Almost half of it is gone in fact, since you are already approaching 40. But for your 4 kids, I would have said you actually wasted all your adult life with this man. If you continue to remain with someone who is nasty, abusive and reduces you to tears on a daily basis, I hate to tell you this, but it is like you are committing suicide s-l-o-w-l-y. It may just be a matter of time before High BP or something like that hits you fatally. God forbid. Yes, you came from a broken home. But is that an excuse to be unhappy for the rest of your life? You owe yourself and your kids the highly probable chance of being happier OUTSIDE this man's life. If you remain with this man, it is not only you who will suffer it. Your kids will grow up worse off. There are countless stories of strong, sincere, hardworking and independent women who made it on their own, in the absence of a loving husband. In some cases it was divorce. Others are widows. Life goes on and being married (especially to a mean person) is neither the beginning nor end of life. And with faith, God will provide a caring man for you along the way. Take the plunge. Dump him as soon as possible and God will be on your side. Define your future happiness and success according to your own terms. Fortunately, it appears that friends and relatives around you are only too happy to see the back of your wicked/hopeless husband. So what are you still waiting for? 2 Likes |
| Re: thanks by shanicemel(f): 6:10pm On Jun 25, 2012 |
my dear sis,go to God in prayer cos God holds the key to all happiness,forgive urself,forgive ur husband and God will forgive u and show u mercy ,u may have wronged ur hubby unaware to prompt his attitude. so dear pray,and read matt 6vs 33 and l know it shall be well with u. all d best |
| Re: thanks by drzed: 6:10pm On Jun 25, 2012 |
passerby: contrary, ur children will love u more, cos wen the grow they will understand wat u did for them. like i do now I agree. In fact, leaving their wicked father is the single best reason for you to opt out of this marriage today, and will be the single most important favour you can do the children's future. |
| Re: thanks by moremi2008(m): 6:11pm On Jun 25, 2012 |
drzed: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! And everyone thought the Cabal was bad? This one nah wire!  |
| Re: thanks by debosky(m): 6:13pm On Jun 25, 2012 |
moremi2008: She is clearly submitting an application to be admitted into the Cabal.  As the Cabal's long serving sole male member, do you approve of her application? |
| Re: thanks by drzed: 6:14pm On Jun 25, 2012 |
moremi2008: What do you mean? |
| Re: thanks by 9lifes(m): 6:20pm On Jun 25, 2012 |
i am tired of people talking about father figure that can not take the lead.How can a man be a father figure when he can not lead and love by example?This story is not only one sided,the op does not know she wants,i bet you guys,she will come back again. A man that cannot love his wife,the mother of his kids can never be a father figure..except the wife is Jezebel |
| Re: thanks by Smallville4live(m): 6:25pm On Jun 25, 2012 |
Dating another man as a married woman, very bad. Its a sin in the sight of God. What example will you be showing your kids? |
| Re: thanks by EreluY(f): 6:27pm On Jun 25, 2012 |
chaircover: WOW, tough one. Haven't been there yet. |
| Re: thanks by ronkebp(f): 6:35pm On Jun 25, 2012 |
awoloto: Marriage! no way thats out of the question, i will happily remain single . I am not looking to get married again at all. yes i live in Lagos, and i am fully aware that no guy will look at my type(four kids). You already have the solution in place, why seek for any advice?  .....it is not that you need seks or long for it... -you know your hubby's sexual capacity....his low sekx drive..[not that he is having an affair] - you have grown up kids... -you are not ready for any divorce [which is great] - you are not ready to have extra-marital affairs... So what advice do you really need?? just wondering!!!!, i love all your resolutions....left to me...i will say you should keep hanging in. |
| Re: thanks by andyanders: 6:40pm On Jun 25, 2012 |
You need to understand that this is not natural as ONLY God can help you resolve this issue. Could you please go to Synagogue Church of All Nations to get deliverance and your husband will love and appreciate you and your children. |
| Re: thanks by Aikayy: 6:52pm On Jun 25, 2012 |
chaircover: ^^^^^^ You gave incorrect information and you are complaining about my comment because I asked a valid question based on the information that you gave The did is done. All d OP needs is advice, and if u can't help with that........Could u pls shut up? |
| Re: thanks by childluck(m): 6:57pm On Jun 25, 2012 |
@OP --- I really pity your situation but then i have my observations below, can you answer these ? Your story is one sided to me and there are two sides to a coin!!! 1. Did you marry a man who did not love you from the inception or he changed suddenly? 2. If there has been love-lost in the marriage how come you have 4 kids for him? 3. In what way have you really wronged him, like a betrayal? has he ever caught you cheating on him? 4. Does he love the 4 children at all ? Does he take care of them? 5. Has he had a change of fortunes in the negative direction since he married you? |
| Re: thanks by Sealeddeal(m): 7:02pm On Jun 25, 2012 |
@poster,i think i know the type of person ur husband is.its not that he doesnt love you.its just that he didnt make ur expectation.and frm ur post,the only thing u used to qualify the fact dat he doesnt love u is dat he never had sex with u for long.what this show is dat,u didnt know this man perfectly.he must be a kind of a loner in his days,he maynot attach any importance to sex than just having children.he might be a kind of a conservative.i dnt think he will change and if u decide to go outside,the probs will all start.Equally,it could be ur fault cos most married woman doesnt always act attractively anymore.they dress badly,eat and become fattened,all these things can make a man's eye to be off u.......and anoda thing is,dnt ever think he is not going outside to get sex cos such thing happened somewhere close to ma place bt later on,it was discovered dat the man gets himself somewhere else which the woman hardly believed. |
| Re: thanks by Onegai(f): 7:03pm On Jun 25, 2012 |
Hey, dear, firstly, big hug to you. Sometimes we forget that people became parents and stop treating them like people because they have kids. So,that hug is sometime I'd give a friend, and it's for you. Secondly, your husband is unhappy. Trust me, only an unhappy person will start a fight and reduce you to tears. TRUST ME, he's as UNHAPPY as you are, and he's taking it out on you. It doesn't matter if he's cheating, that's not important. Don't even try and find out if he is or isn't. His cruel behaviour could be a result of guilt over his bad actions, because that's how people are. I heard this white lady once, who said something "in my home, my hubby comes first, because my kids are gonna grow up and have a life". Naija mamas, they focus too much on their kids, then the child marries and they don't know how to let go (hence wicked mama-in-law) because they get jealous of the person who has taken the love of their life away. Do you want to be like that? because I'm trying to settle my sis-in-law and my mum's fight and I wish my mum was busy, she wouldn't have time for this. Your man will be buried beside you, not your kids. Prioritize him, your home is unhappy because you both are unhappy and that hurts the kids. So, what to do? Pray, ask God for strenght. The beauty of Esther, the romance of Songs of Solomon (read that book!), the patience of Job. Then, take yourself shopping, look good, not trendy, good. Form-fitting dresses (no trousers) and skirts, highheels (not the nonsense platform akpola that's popular, but simple cute styles), get your hair done, put on some pink lipgloss, not red. Get a hobby, like join a cooking school, sewing class, french, swim, tennis, SOMETHING that sha gets you out of the house that isn't work, church, wedding, family. You need to be relaxed and happy and laughing for no reason. Let him notice this happiness. Start wearing one of his tshirts to bed at night, nothing under. You need to seduce him back to your side. Ask him for advice, discuss small politics and listen to him more. Particularly if it concerns his business, the idea is to get him talking. Desdemona seduced Othelo by the way she listened. Challenge him a little, show your brains in a clever manner (like a small business, so he remembers how awesome you were when he met you). All this takes hard work. Do casual touching (eg on your way to the kitchen, absently touch his shoulder), wear perfume. Then when you get him back to your bed, slowly begin to make him open up. No harsh angry words! Just be welcoming and open. 6 Likes |
| Re: thanks by Emmiee28(m): 7:10pm On Jun 25, 2012 |
4 ur kids, stay put Xcept u wan 2 lose both ways Commit every 2 God, ignore him Av tyme 4 ur kids, look fyner B rest assure, wuld come begging |
| Re: thanks by jpphilips(m): 7:14pm On Jun 25, 2012 |
awoloto: Marriage! no way thats out of the question, i will happily remain single . I am not looking to get married again at all. yes i live in Lagos, and i am fully aware that no guy will look at my type(four kids). watch his best friend closely, your hubby is *GAY* 1 Like |
| Re: thanks by Caldor: 7:23pm On Jun 25, 2012 |
People get married too fast and feel to deal with consequences later. |
| Re: thanks by niddamugu(m): 7:27pm On Jun 25, 2012 |
Story line very inconsistent. My candid advice is for you to go and see a mature counselor for spiritual help. |
| Re: thanks by itoldu: 7:28pm On Jun 25, 2012 |
Woman, he cant be the one refusing to have sex, you are the cause of the downfall. You should really be ashamed of urself. you are married with four kids, you have your idea of what love is (fantasy) and you first of all had to get married before you brain woke up. Really, what is the difference between you and okotie. you would most likely find a guy who fits into your fantasy yet cannot even think of introducing you to his family or better still get married to you and he also has to fulfil his fantasy (of which you might be expired by then). If your husband still desires to stay married to you, put aside all laziness and fantasies and for whichever God's name in which you got matried, make it work. enough said |
| Re: thanks by Oluesther(f): 7:32pm On Jun 25, 2012 |
chaircover: U just said my mind. Could she be lying? |
| Re: thanks by cardoso111(m): 7:37pm On Jun 25, 2012 |
A woman makes the marriage to work>The Bible says it all A wise woman builds her home, a foolish one uses her hand to tear it down |
| Re: thanks by Nobody: 7:51pm On Jun 25, 2012 |
chaircover: Do you have problem understanding written English? Next time, read, comprehend, think, process before you jump to make your point. This is a problem inherently with some Nigerians. Re-read her post again, she says "We have not had intercourse for over five years." Which interprets to she has not been intimate for the past 5 yrs. So where does the 4 kids in 5 years come from? |
| Re: thanks by tunapawizzy: 7:51pm On Jun 25, 2012 |
@OP one thing is consistent in all ur posts. U care about d kids, even if u want to make d marriage work its becos of d lovely gifts God put in ur care. U clearly don't love ur husband anymore (understandably so). However I think ur issue is not as simple as u reading a few comments n accepting uv made a decision.a lot of unusual things are involved like staying away from sex for 5yrs(madam that's half of a decade- it is too much by any standard) Its obvious u r holding on to vital information ( m not a counsellor) but I know dis kind of issues require that u open up absolutely to whoever is to counsel you. Nairaland being a faceless forum, m surprised u still find it hard to open up. I honestly think u should talk to a professional marriage counsellor. Becos all d advices uv bn given here are based on d limited info u provided(n u confirmed that). I just think u should open up more here or seek professional help. |
| Re: thanks by dbisiback: 7:57pm On Jun 25, 2012 |
.........I am amazed that chircover and her coven of hags did not start on awoloto the OP to get divorced, could this be because she is older (and definitely wiser)than the cabalites? Interesting to see the reaction of the coven to a female that they most likely would have to give respect, this accounts for chaircover's initial hostility........... You mean to say cc ask people to get divorced? HABA! that is biased and UNFAIR. Go read her posts again. |
| Re: thanks by armyofone(m): 8:00pm On Jun 25, 2012 |
All the best then with your decision. |
| Re: thanks by uyogabie(f): 8:02pm On Jun 25, 2012 |
My dear,this avenue is the last place to seek for such an advice cos most people lack manner of approach and will only make you feel worse.Some are even still single,what kind of advice will they give you other than to mock you?Most Nigerian marriages are like that.and it takes Grace of God.Some Women are going through worse and pretend all is well.Patience and Prayers are very crucial.try to talk to him and work on yourself then leave everything to God.Also try counsellin with a matured person.and be very prayerful.Dont leave ur kids for another woman to raise no matter what.Do not depend on anyone for ur happiness.if u leave him,what makes u think the next guy wnt be worse? 1 Like |
| Re: thanks by awoloto: 8:09pm On Jun 25, 2012 |
ITOLDU THANKS for your kind words.as I have said , I have made my decision . I pray that in ur time of need , no one will judge u or jump to conclusions. Thank you anyway.for your comments. Thank u to all who responded. I will not post again. I have made a decision . I have faith in God and my faith has been renewed. Nothing is impossible. Could she be lying? -polyester? Pls read my posts well. Only God knows and only he will ever know. It helps to talk and to give a fuller picture , and I will be doing just that.but not on this forum. God bless you all .( this is my last post here, purpose served) One gai thanks for your post! |
| Re: thanks by dinachi(m): 8:10pm On Jun 25, 2012 |
by the special grace of grace of God I have been married for a while now and one of the things I dont do is that it is difficult to understand the situation without hearing the mans own point of view. In my opinion i think the woman is the main problem. From what I gather, I think he is simply tired of the man. Imagine discussing her husband with her friends all the time. According to her, all her friends are fed up too. She is very sure he is not cheating because, Iam sure she has discreetly investigated him and found nothing incriminating. She is listening to bad advice from her friends, period! can she give examples of the mans immaturity and lack of love display? This is a woman who is simply seeking moral support to break her home. my advice? go and sin no more! |
| Re: thanks by mallorca(m): 8:10pm On Jun 25, 2012 |
jennykadry:hahahaha |
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