Lawyer Joke Collection

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Q & A form jokes

Q: What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.

Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
A: Lipstick.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
A: Your Honor.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50
A: Senator.

Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
A: Accountants know they're boring.

Q: What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?
A: A jury.

Q: Why did God invent lawyers?
A: So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.

Q: What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?
A: The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.

Q: What' the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.

Q: What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?
A: One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Q: How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
A: They both look good hanging from a tree.

Q: How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
A: She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.

Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.

Be expecting more.......

100 Level mathematicians.
Course Code Course Title
MAT 111 Algebra
MAT 121 Calculus and Trigonometry
Note: 100 Level mathematics courses are to be taken by 100 level
Statistics Students in the Department of Statistics
Distribution of Courses
200 Level
Course Code Course Title Units Status
MAT 211 Abstract Algebra 4 R
MAT 213 Algebra I
MAT 221 Analysis I 4 R
MAT 241 Ordinary Differential Equations 4 R
12
300 Level
MAT 212 Linear Algebra 4 R
MAT 222 Analysis III 4 R
MAT 242 Vectoral Mechanics 4 R
12
400 Level
MAT 311 Group and Rings 4 R
MAT 321 Analysis II 4 R
MAT 331 Differential Geometry 4 R
MAT 341 Mathematical Methods I 4 R
MAT 342 Mathematical Methods II
MAT 352 Probability Distribution & Elementary
Limit Theories 4 E
MAT 351 Numerical Analysis
20
500 Level
MAT 312 Theory of Modules 4 R
MAT 322 Analysis IV 4 R
MAT 323 Complex Analysis 4 R
MAT 342 Mathematical Methods II 4 R
MAT 343 Vectors & Tensors 4 R
12
392

BEESEA: Pls am new here, jst want to knw if i can do the fall back course again. I dd it 3 days afta the post ume..I scored 61 for English n Lit n d cutoff is 63, changed ma course 2 Philosophy.Pls help me b4 it's too late. someone should answer ma question pls

Hy guy it means u did d change of cours b4 d official anouncement of available spaces. Bt 4 doing it nw u cn stil try 2 do it as no oficial closing date was anouncd,so if d link is stil dere do it bt if nt dnt panic cos wt ur score UI wil stil admit u jst dat it myt jst b any course. N.B: If ure 2 do it chek out 4 d UTME nd Olevel Combinatn of d cours it shuld b d same wt dat of ur initial course.

Am using dis medium 2 apologise to everyone 4 d wrong info passed earlier on abt d sighting of moon in Saudi. Am really sorry 4 dis bt i got d info 4rm IloveAllah.com on Facebook. I hope u 4give me bt d latest info 4rm wot av gathered nw is dat no moon was sightd even Saudi Arabia is 2 celebrate her Eid on Sunday. I stil repeat am very sory 4 dis. May Allah 4give us all as we anticipate d EID in advance.

Name: TA Tobi
Dept: Dentistry and Dental Surgery
Sex: M
Location: Osun
Religion: Xtain
State of Origin: Osun
Birthday: May 18
Facebook:www.facebook.com/Younglily
Twitter: www.twitter.com/iam_leget
Team: Chelsea
2go: Leget01

Van Persie collects red shirt No. 20 with United.

Lilly001: Name: TA Tobi
Dept: Dentistry and Dental Surgery
Sex: M
Location: Osun
Religion: Xtain
State of Origin: Osun
Birthday: May 18
Facebook:www.facebook.com/Younglily
Twitter: www.twitter.com/iam_leget
Team: Chelsea
2go: Leget01

May 18? U and my bro Lol... Small world

Good news 4 UI: University of Lagos and University of Ibadan have emerged finalists in the 2012 edition of its annual Google Online Marketing Challenge (GOMC).
According to Obum Ekeke, Google’s Regional Program Manager for
University Programs & Outreach in SSA, the 2 universities were part
of the 11,000 students from 86 countries/territories such as the
United States, Canada, Germany, Italy, France, Spain, South Africa.
“The competition this year was very stiff, and being one of the teams
to make it to the semifinals and finals is no little feat”. The students
and their lecturers put in their best and have been rewarded by this
announcement”.
The Google Online Marketing Challenge is a global competition that
was established to help prepare students studying courses such as
advertising, e-commerce, integrated marketing communication,
management information systems, marketing or new media technologies in the area of online marketing. It gives the students an
opportunity to compete on an international stage.
“We are very delighted that Nigerian Universities are rated amongst
some of the best in this competition and congratulate the schools,
the lecturers and the students. We will continue to support Nigerian
universities as they preparethe students to take on the future” said
Juliet Ehimua'n Google Nigeria Country Manager.
The students and lecturers whose teams made it to theFinalist and
Semi-Finalist categories are:Finalists teams from Africa: University
of Ibadan, Nigeria Team: Akomolafe Oladeji (Lecturer), Oladipo
Oluwaseyi, Olukayode Didunoluwa Olamide, Oyeside Olalekan,
Alagbe Olarenwaju, and Aiyelari Temilolorun University of Lagos, Nigeria Team: Adeyanju Olusiji Ayoade (Lecturer), Longe Olubusayo Anuoluwapo,Obanor Chukwuwezam, Babalola Hisa, Abdussalam Mariam Oluwakemi, and Fadeyi Ayoola
Idris.

For those curious about d Clearance date, I advice u calm down. Reason being dat if UI will follow d normal registration procedures it has been using, Clearance is not d next tin now. D next step is d online filling of d Acceptance Form and its subsequent submission at d admission office in UI. After dis, Clearance follows. Second, we can only expect anytin of such from UI beginning only from Monday after d DE submission of results nd details might av ended. Den UI will instruct evri1 on d next line of action which is usually d online filling of d Acceptance Form. Jst get ur documents ready nd if there are any mistake nd/or contradictions in ur documents, don't waste precious time posting on wot 2 do, go straight 2 d Court and swear an affidavit. It (affidavit) cost only a token. For d yet 2 be admitted, calm down expecially if u scored above 50%, ur list is being compiled nd will be released soonest. If u av'nt done ur fallback course, Pls do now b4 it is too late unless if u already scored above d First Batch Cut-Off Mark of ur Course nd ur name didn't come out, ur case is different nd according 2 d skool u don't need a fallback cos it will be settled in d Second Batch list. If u av any oda question bothering ur mind or u aren't clear about anytin on UI, feel free 2 add me on 2go with zezeny25. Goodluck 2 u all.

ShehuAba: Am using dis medium 2 wish my fellow muslim brothers and sisters a merry EID in advance as the Shawwal moon has been sighted in saudi Arabia. EIDUN MUBARAK

ur source pls

Hy pals, any news on d second batch list?

Hy pals,do u knw dat ur shoe size can tell ur age?,wel tel me ur shoe size nd i'll tel u ur age.

Irewole74: Hy pals, any news on d second batch list?

No news yet. Wait till next week

Irewole74: Hy pals,do u knw dat ur shoe size can tell ur age?,wel tel me ur shoe size nd i'll tel u ur age.

Go collect "AKI and PAW PAW" shoe size and tell their ages.

lathyph: ur source pls

@ lathyph wel 4 my source its IloveAllah.com on Facebook. Bt sincerely nd truly 4rm wot av heard nd confirmd since den it was a wrong info nd i realy hope u nd some odas who myt av bin misinformd 4rm dis 4give me,Am rily very very sory nd i hop my apology is aceptd. No moon was sightd in Saudi as d gov't dere has anouncd dat d EID wil take place on SUNDAY. So 2mrw is d last day 4 fastn. May Allah av mercy nd 4giv us all. EID MUBARAK IN ADVANCE

.

AVmonster: Pls, I'm applying for DE and a letter in my name on my Jamb DE form is wrong.. I've already submitted my transcript to Ui. Pls will this affect my application.. Cus my birth certificate and A level result have the my correct name and I submitted it..

No problem... Dat won't hinder ur admission. If d skul needs u to make any amend, it will call on u. Its a minor mistake. But meanwhile, u may go swear an Affidavit in court nd go submit it 2 d skul.

shola david: Whaoo,bolaji 16,amiable jay,nd nikky light can see u'r ol 4rm osun...Hrd we wll nid a lettr 4rm our local gov. 4 clearance...Does dat mean we r goin 2 travel down dr. Or wat do u tink ?Am also 4rm osun..,.,......

bealuv:
yh yhu v got to get to yhur local govt secreteriat to get yhur cert ov origin or if yhu v got sum1 yhu kan trust juz sen dyhur details to d psn yhur birth cert n i fink 2passport fotoz dahz al i no 4nao zezeny shuld av mor detailz

i think wat we shud do nw is to wait 4 d skul 2 state its requirements for dis year's clearance b4 taking actions....

Name: Ajibade Ibrahim
Dept: Economics
Sex: M
Location: Osun
Religion: Muslim
State of Origin: Osun
Birthday: April 4
Twitter: @IBRAHEEYM
BB PIN: 21E148F2
Team: Chelsea
FC

ShehuAba: @ lathyph wel 4 my source its IloveAllah.com on Facebook. Bt sincerely nd truly 4rm wot av heard nd confirmd since den it was a wrong info nd i realy hope u nd some odas who myt av bin misinformd 4rm dis 4give me,Am rily very very sory nd i hop my apology is aceptd. No moon was sightd in Saudi as d gov't dere has anouncd dat d EID wil take place on SUNDAY. So 2mrw is d last day 4 fastn. May Allah av mercy nd 4giv us all. EID MUBARAK IN ADVANCE

same 2 u bro,jez wanna confirmd 4rm u cos i spoke wit ma frnd studying in saudi yester9t n he said d mun has nt been sighted yet....definatly sundy is d 1st of sha'wal

why d silence nah...

Oboy see as MTN caged me since morning. I couldn't browse with my MB. Wot abt u?

ShehuAba: Oboy see as MTN caged me since morning. I couldn't browse with my MB. Wot abt u?

same2. Very frustrating. Hw fa bro.

astroboy94: same2. Very frustrating. Hw fa bro.

Am kul Jare we fnk God 4 d day.

zezeny: For those curious about d Clearance date, I advice u calm down. Reason being dat if UI will follow d normal registration procedures it has been using, Clearance is not d next tin now. D next step is d online filling of d Acceptance Form and its subsequent submission at d admission office in UI. After dis, Clearance follows. Second, we can only expect anytin of such from UI beginning only from Monday after d DE submission of results nd details might av ended. Den UI will instruct evri1 on d next line of action which is usually d online filling of d Acceptance Form. Jst get ur documents ready nd if there are any mistake nd/or contradictions in ur documents, don't waste precious time posting on wot 2 do, go straight 2 d Court and swear an affidavit. It (affidavit) cost only a token. For d yet 2 be admitted, calm down expecially if u scored above 50%, ur list is being compiled nd will be released soonest. If u av'nt done ur fallback course, Pls do now b4 it is too late unless if u already scored above d First Batch Cut-Off Mark of ur Course nd ur name didn't come out, ur case is different nd according 2 d skool u don't need a fallback cos it will be settled in d Second Batch list. If u av any oda question bothering ur mind or u aren't clear about anytin on UI, feel free 2 add me on 2go with zezeny25. Goodluck 2 u all.

Please,Zezeny,what do you think will be the next step for we DE applicants and how soon do you think we might have to wait?A guess or an info from an authoritative source will be highly appreciated.Thanks.

.

Kenny2012: Please,Zezeny,what do you think will be the next step for we DE applicants and how soon do you think we might have to wait?A guess or an info from an authoritative source will be highly appreciated.Thanks.

DE candidates' registration ends tomorrow. Dis means as from Monday u can begin 2 expect d next line of action. Buh, as I heared I don't tink dere will be an exam, speculation though. I will help look out for further info nd will update u duely. Hope dis helps a bit

X is a 7 leta word, X is imposible 4 God, new babies lik X beta dan breast milk, d poor hav X nd d rich luk 4 X from d poor, if u eat X u wil die.X is more important dan ur lyf. wot is X? urgent answers pls mathematicians

zezeny:
DE candidates' registration ends tomorrow. Dis means as from Monday u can begin 2 expect d next line of action. Buh, as I heared I don't tink dere will be an exam, speculation though. I will help look out for further info nd will update u duely. Hope dis helps a bit

Thanks a lot.I'm actually suspecting an interactive session.

Kayor500: X is a 7 leta word, X is imposible 4 God, new babies lik X beta dan breast milk, d poor hav X nd d rich luk 4 X from d poor, if u eat X u wil die.X is more important dan ur lyf. wot is X? urgent answers pls mathematicians

NOTHING!

Tank u

Kenny2012: Thanks a lot.I'm actually suspecting an interactive session.

Don't undermine d little boy in u, he could actually be telling wot will happen. Try prepare urself for any eventuality. Goodluck