Sister, you have to find yourself and the only you can do that is letting go. You are afraid of what people will say and a life of loneliness, but you are already experiencing the things you fear.

Low self-esteem and a poor self-image makes one clingy even when they know they is no way forward. You are clinging instead of letting go. Go for counseling, work on yourself so you can find joy, joy brings good luck, bitterness dries the bone.

Why fighting to marry a man whose family does not want you and even his friends? The future you so desire (marriage) does not look rosy if you are already in this situation. So what exactly do you want? If you made a mistake or you feel you have wasted your time, not telling yourself the truth is not going to make it better.

The way forward:

You need to come to a place of strength before you can make tough decisions.
1) if you want this marriage you have two obstacles, your husband and his family. First, give it one more try if you feel there something left to fight for. You need to talk to him and let him know that you are on you way out and that if is he still wants to continue the relationship,both of you need to come up with a working plan . That plan must include counseling for both of you..both psychological, spiritual and marriage counseling. Mental health can kill.

If you guys succeed then you can proceed to find peace with his family.

2) You need a strong support group. Don't ever isolate your self. Isolation brings out the devil in people around you who are not matured. Since you mentioned your family, come up with a plan and discuss it with the most matures person in your family, not everyone.

3) work on your anger issues. It is rare for people to utterly hate their friends partner. If you are controlling woman, be sure he will tell his friends and may be him avoiding you is a coping mechanisms- I may be be wrong bit examine yourself.

So many things to write here.My 2 cent. I wish you d best.

It depends on what led to the body count. If this body count came from being in normal relationship then something is wrong with your self esteem or you are a sex addict.

Secondly, if this body count is as a result of financial gains, then only you can resolve this one.

Women with low self esteem are clingy and ready to sexually please any man that gives them even the smallest attention.But the problem is that, these relationships don't last and these girls are very quick to move on to the next. This way the cycle continues and it will not break until you start having a positive self image. if this is your case then I would advise you to go for counseling .

In addition, if any of the above is combined with a high sex drive then you are going to need alot of determination combined with counseling.

Please seek professional help. It is possible to be celibate no matter your past once you are able to understand your emotional or sexual triggers.

I wish you all the best.

sageb:
Even though you have to work and walk alone, don't give up, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Hope that is to the op. I am OK now with various biz and married with a family. It has been a steady climb since 2015. I have learnt to relax and have fun with my family. I don't joke with my mental health anymore. I don't overwork myself. At work, if I am stressed I reject and deligate work. So my bosses know my rules. I push myself hard when I have the strength and relax when I need to re-energize.

Just wait it through. At a point in my life I lived without any money in my life, a degree holder. I totally depended on strangers and small buka joints for either free or paylater meals. This I did for more than 2 years while pursuing a second degree. Prior to that I lost all my savings, a fiance and a backstab from a close friend because of 1m naira.

I was depressed, physically n mentally sick. My temperature was consistently high n medical test found nothing. I had problem sleeping, I sleep like 1-2 hours per day and after some accumulated sleepless nights then I can do a 4hours sleep.

How I survived :I continously asked for help. I got rejected, embarrassed, was called lazy. I had no option. Never stop crying for help. Let heaven and earth know that u need help. This was how I got places to eat. I made friends with bike men I volunteered. The secrete is keep asking for help and stay visible, leave your room. Go where people are better than you no matter the shame and discomfort.

Seek medical help. I visited the hospital several times and it was later we discovered I was severely depressed. Again cry for help. Call any center where they deal with mental health.

Communicate with the people you owe. Give them updates, don't wait for them to call. Let them know you've not forgotten your debts.

In all my depression I kept looking for jobs, I had to pay my school fees, my academics never suffered. I got a job, it took me 2 years to pay up my fees and debts. Met a wonderful and crazy woman who brought me out of my shell. But after clearing up my debt, I was exhausted and having a serious burnout and it was affecting my job. Saved some money, quit a well paying job so I could focus on my mental health. I told my family my struggles and they were very supportive. I spent 4 months with my family doing nothing. After that I changed state and location where no soul knew me. I started all over, starting with less mentally demanding jobs, I was earning less that 50k with two degrees. I was healing and happy. I was at the job for 2 years. I got my strength back, a little bit of my confidence, learn some new skills and got another well paying job.

Dont stop finding a solution.

About death: life was so bad I even Google 10 stress less way to die.

Whatever you do, don't take your life. Many destinies are tied to yours whether you believe it or not. Even if you must die... Wait for death to come and meet you. Just do nothing.

Dont be afraid, it's one day at a time. One more thing. Take a pen and write down 10 things you want to b and achieve. Ten big things you can't achieve now, ten big things that only God can give you.

Stay strong brother.

PatrickOkunima:
Your response sir.

Academic writing in which field..pls specify and state again your rate.

When people refuse to use their minds their so called leaders wiill spit in the their faces with no apologies.

And of all he mentioned making women pregnant and making people rich are the things pastors can do-that is how you know a criminal.

pastor cannot make women pregnant and pastors cannot make anyone rich,prayers cannot even do that...if you doubt that how many top CEOs in the world are true Christians?

99.9% of Christians are employed by either Atheist,Agnostics or Muslims and yet they are most invasive,noise making religion on earth.

The black community will always remain backward as long as we have fools and thieves like Uma Ukpai as their leaders.

ALSE- Accute Low self esteem dey worry you,what a useless woman.

Ihedinobi: Pardon me, HBG, and a very happy birthday to you too, but I think I'd better answer some things here.

@musKeeto, @9lifes

You guys know what doesn't make sense? It's dumping all over Christianity because some people fail to live up to its ideals. So because a pastor slept with a girl he's not married to, no less your ex, something's wrong with Christianity?

So because a fellowship leader has dealings with a cult, something's wrong with Christianity? So because a bunch of people pay lip service to Christian ideals and give the lie to them with their lives, something's wrong with Christianity? I'd like you guys to explain how that makes sense at all.

Was any of you told that the message of Christianity is that you need to believe in Christians or Christian pastors to be saved, for instance? Can you show exactly how the failure of Christians, genuine or not, stops anyone from following Christ or makes Christianity a lie and a delusion?

First of all ur ranting is does not make sense.I said there are bad and good people everywhere,judge a man by his most consistent values,not by his religion.I was giving instances,i was not generalizing.Read my comments first!

HumbledbYGrace: lol

You are spot on...btw 9lifes: its always a case of an ex. Just because she a cheat doesn't mean she will always be a cheat

I am not using an instant to make a generalization here,I don't generalize. I was active for more than 12 years,and i was a leader for many years..wetin my eyes see for church at all levels.I am not judging anyone,we are all not perfect,but i have problems with humans who feel because they believe in something they are better than others,or have the right to judge others.

I have no apologies for my last comment, VIRTUE has no religion, and that is what i look for in people.

what about

-Mumu (at least 10 times a day,for 20+ years)...lol..i am very serious
-I.d.i.ot

-wasting my money putting you in a private school

-dumb (wrote SSCE 3 times,wrote JAMB 4 times)-just finished my masters in engineering abroad without his help

-arranged a vocational training for me because he lost hope..lol..boy i frustrate that man,my own no goo too

-beating, some times for no reason(my own no get part two)

Effects:
-It took me years to overcome low confidence despite being one of the smartest kid in school (words affects,especially when they are said in serious tunes)

-I became very defensive,expressing myself became hard no matter the environment(that was then)

-It took me years to forgive him..i became bitter towards him

-I had issues with authorities,infact anyone i perceived to be the head

-I still react till date when i see his abusive attitudes in parents around me-sometimes i confront them

-I became verbally abusive as well,and hot tempered too..it took me more than 5 years to put this to rest

Yes when you become an adult,one is expected to take responsibility for their actions,but sometimes we fail to admit how messed up most adults and parents are due to their upbringing. Your words affect people,especially those looking up to and depending on you.Don't just say things to your kid ,if they must be punished it must be for a specific reason and make sure that reason is well referenced.Discipline is important,but parents should also learn to discipline there kids wisely.

Anybody,woman,man,sister,mother,grandmother,father, grandfather,including my dead ancestors,wey call my kid any funny name..wahala go dey ooh!

omo_to_dun: @CFCfan

That is completely false. Look up the definition of the word religion in any dictionary and you will see that Christianity is, indeed, a religion. No one likes to label what they believe in as a religion because it connotes something negative, especially in modern times.

A Muslim can also say that Islam is not a religion, but a belief and personal relationship with Allah.

Don't mind the shallow minded people.Paganism is written all over Christianity,and yet they don't know it.Christian is a Full time religion.

As for this topic,I was in the church for many years,faithful and active,a leader,but all my life i have seen more honest sinners that Christians (in Nigeria). It's easier to get S>e,x in the church that even a brothel. Follow all that is written here,most ladies will still term you boring or mr nice man,you go finish last.Na your front newcomer wey dey cult go blow your house fellowship leader. My EX was a prayer warrior,cheated on me with a her pastor friend,and she will always be the one to scream everytime you attack these useless pastors who control many but have no sense of discipline.

I am not bitter,sh.i.t happens,but i have learnt to be more open minded,i will marry any woman with a good head,that will add value to my life and will give me peace,especially around 12 am,when morons are awake to bind devils.

There are bad people and good people everywhere,we can share the same moral values without belonging to the same religion..as long as we click on most levels,i am good to go with any woman.But if you are true to what you believe,kudos to you and i wish you luck in finding someone you deserve.

pekelepekele: [b]What baffles me about Adebola Rayo case was that she never mentioned anything like looking for spiritual help that alone truly prove that she is suffering from a spiritual problem.

Let me break it down a little if there is any particular fellow suffering from a powerful demonic attack it always end up affecting SUCH PERSON'S MIND AND NOT THE BRAIN. For every human being to live peacefully it is from your mind and if anyone will live the opposite it is also from the mind.

Example one can be rich and still be feeling poor if he won't stop looking at the people at the top and understand that there is time for everything and also that you won't archive anything God is not willing to give to you.

The signs anyone suffering from a demonic attacks are

HAVING AN UNSETTLED MIND people always end up tagging it as Brain problem but the fact about it is that anything that affects your MIND will affect everything about you. which means if you notice your mind have not being stable for couple of days quickly seek for spiritual help and open up to people before it degenerates to something serious.

An unsettled mind is a serious problem it won't resolve itself if you don't quickly seek for help in fact the demon is so strong that it won't want to get out of anyone suffering from such problem until it claims the person's life and then jump into another person.

other signs you will be experiencing if you are having an Unsettled Mind you won't feel like going to churches or mosques. or lets say going for a while and then tagging the pastors or imams at the churches or mosques you visited as fraudsters or other evil names and another is that such people always end up fighting their closest friends which is anybody trying to help them out of their problem.


Why is because the demon inside of them won't want to get out of them ., This demon will always make them give silly excuses and always protect them from evil things happening to other people so that it can stay in such person's life till it accomplish the mission which is CLAIMING THE PERSON'S LIFE most times through a suicidal act and another one is that most people with mental illness don't fall ill easily because that demon won't want them to fall sick so that he or she won't visit a hospital and that way their won't be a solution to the problem

& it's this same spirit that will be telling them not to let people know what is going on with them because people will mock him or her . If another person even try to ask her what is really wrong with such fellow . He won't be able to explain clearly

I have attended a pastoral college before that is how I know all these things.

In general if Adebola Rayo and any other suffering from this kind of problem can seek for spiritual help they will be healed and if anyone here think he or she has a problem once that problem is still letting you go to mosques or churches that is not a strong problem it will be solved very soon.

[/b]

Shut up,religious slowpoke.An example of a confused idiot! Everything in Nigeria is spiritual,even corruption,nonsense.

Naija men are saints and angels..they are talking as if they don't have mothers and sisters.So much bitterness in this thread,and they will still end up with Naija babes,even the ones living outside naija.

I dont mind if a woman wants to marry me because of my wealth,but she must definitely meet my own expectations..who wants to marry a liability anyways.

If she is nice they expect her to put up with cheating,if she is a virgin,she is not experience enof to satisfy me in bed-he now has a concrete reason to cheat.If she cheats all hell breaks loose because she is a woman..for men it is normal.If you marry a poor man you were desperate because of age,and If you marry a rich guy you were desperate because of his wealth,all this wahala na for woman wey from Nigeria-and the useless list goes on and on.

Guys please,this generalization is dangerous,whether we admit or not it's affecting our psych and the way we see naija women,and with this behavior even when you see an angel you may never recognized her-in most cases these complainers almost always end up with the wrong women.

If you want a perfect partner make sure you are one,and if you are one and you were cheated on, move on and stop being bitter-men cheat,women cheat,its a normal thing.the economy is bad,it is a NATURAL THING to look for the best option or partner,its written all over nature,nobody wants to marry someone with no prospect,sorry its painful,but failure has no friend,that's the bitter truth,naija men learn to live with that,its natural.

Go and apologies to the man,2 years is too short to forget what families put men through in the name of marriage.People just talk anyhow and yet she is the one playing the victim here. Try to understand his feelings about your family,his reaction is a sure sign he is locking something up and it will overwhelm him one day,and a bigger wahala dey come if u don't dig deep enough.

The only way to deal with "family curse" is to set a goal,have a vision,do things differently,pursue your goals,and don't make decisions based on religious nonsense.

Don't let fear stop you from pursuing your goals,don't see temporal shortcomings as spiritual consequences..life is generally hard,hard work is not a curse,god is not the originator of shortcuts. believe in yourself,no matter what.The failures of others is not your cup of tea,mind your business..live you life,enjoy it,both the ups and the downs,such is life.

Gambrosia: What is a family curse?

pls help me ask them?Imagine god busy finding my sins,instead of dealing with my wahala..what a caring god we have.

There is nothing like family curse,na you sin pass?

Nonsense,i dont know where you guys pick this stupid ideas.Na our forefathers sin pass,abi na our parents sin pass?

Europe is one of the most brutal civilizations,and yet they are still feeding Africa,still killing her and still robbing her.So god no dey punish them,na only black man sin na e good to punish...Stupid christian morons..yet we always run to them.Look at America,it was built on blood and slavery,yet god no dey punish them.

Don't let anyone take advantage of you or your fears,Nigeria is a very complex state..so most people are bound to suffer,i mean correct suffer wey resemble curse...and whatsoever you are,na your past decisions bring you there..use your head.

The only curse we have is ignorant and wicked leaders...that one is traceable.

confront the girl or woman,but the problem is that he will start hiding his actions.

Do not challenge him,except u can provide for yourself.

Dr. Wise:


When a Nigerian did this, a lot of people were raining abuses on him.

Most Nigerians are a proud fools. they always talk down on people and starting small means you are either suffering or you are suffering from a generational curse.

We have misplaced ego and pride issues,now multiply that with poor time management and poor work ethics,yet we want all the rewards on earth.

Nigerians too dey look face.

trolling:
yes jesus is an idol and that allah is an idol of the moon to, it aint no surprise u see that crescent moon n star on their mosque, as for christaians u see that cros, a symbol of death on their church

The cross is not a christian symbol,it has a pagan origin. Also the moon and start thing in Islam is also not a Muslim symbol,it was borrowed just like the shape of their mosques,those are borrowed from non-Muslim cultures.

Jesus did not even die on the cross sef!

Emotional blackmail...it can be very depressing,especially when you can't just stay away from the person.

izeek: spike just hit the thing right in the middle.

its not strange practise to be told to marry your step-mother or even your own mother.

actually this custom has been in existence for years. what this simply implies is that you are supposs ed to be responsible for the person involved.
that way u automatically take over what ever your father left as assets.

although this practise has been known to be misinterpreted to suite other people's greedy agenda.
its not automatically asking you to go sleep with the dead mans wife.

Don't mind the ignorant people with identity crisis.The whole idea is simple and yet everyone here is ranting.

tpia1: 21st century @ op.

Not all traditions are outdated..so don't just write whatever you like.And do you think we are better than our fore fathers?Dumbest century ever in the entire human history!

You are getting it wrong.We have that tradition too.I have a step mom as a result of that.No official marriage rite will be carried out,but the custom implies that she is now your responsibility.Since you cannot have sex with her,she would have to take permission from you to live her life or satisfy her desires-i.e. if she believes in the tradition too.

There is no need to start screaming,this is one of those funny cultures,you have to first get the details,what it involves and your responsibilities.Again,it is not a must for you to have sex with her,and again it implies that if you have step siblings,they are now officially yours,you are now the father and husband(in terms of providing for everyone,i.e. if she can not provide for herself and her kids),its like stepping up as the first child and leader.

So keep your religious thing aside and act like a man,except you already get beef with this woman.if you need more details reply or send me a mail,I am a christian too.

vislabraye: I laugh. That's why Africa is backward. So many demons in the helm of affair.
Human sacrifices, shedding of innocent blood, throwing spells and curses to family members, turning a promising future of a young man hopeless are some of the xteristics of pagan worship.
If you ever noticed, the lives of these idol worshipers are never the same.
I know of a man who joined OO Obu for wealth. The wealth he did not see, rather he sold the destiny of his children. They live in abject poverty.

Africa is not backward because of religion,there are other developed religious society out there.Africa is poor because of our vision-less,myopic and corrupt leaders who mismanage our wealth and resources.

Is Nigeria not an Idol worshiping country?Who practice idolatry more than Nigerian Christians?This is our culture,this is our history and i am proud of it.
Even if I don't practice stuffs like this,it could be a source of wealth through tourism-so stop hating,try to see things from the non-religious point of view.

You have to let it out,keep reminding him of his sh*its until one of u is tired.The worst thing you would do is bottling it up..if it is cheating,sorry dear,it will take years,but if you are ready to wait then time is your answer.

jenny78: It is bang out of order for a pastor to be cheating on his wife.what example is he setting for the men in the congregation.The wife should expose him to the whole church.

Lol..pastors are men too..it is very common you have no idea.

Kobojunkie:
You mistake is you are trying to generalize here. Not all marriages are based on love, trust, acceptance and whatever mushy thing you come up with next. There are marriages solely for business purposes; Marriages that are simply agreements between adults who are willing to enter into a bond of some kind.

The conditions you list have NOTHING to do with the actual contract of marriage but more beliefs of individuals in the marriage. If two married people loose trust, love, and acceptance for each other, they are still married. It is not until they officially decide to break/annul the actual marriage contract which they signed, not to each other but really to the state, will they then be considered NOT MARRIED.



Like I said, all this talk na jibby-jabber. Love and trust are all in the minds . . . not official measure of those and so it is up to the individuals who signed the contract to decide on their own, how much of they want to invest and get. No agreement is signed on that and so it technically has little or nothing to do with the actual ceremony of marriage.


The above is a marriage vow . . . not the marriage contract itself.


Yes, there are such vows . . . millions of people make those every January 1st.

lol..one of the best response so far,thanks for a balance view.What is your take on divorce on the grounds of abuse,and the biblical implications if you are a christian?

Kobojunkie:

Marriage vows have nothing to do with tradition or religion, like most every other vow you make in life. Your vow to be an upright citizen of your country for instance, have nothing to do with your tradition or religion but a personal contract you sign with another and is witnessed by others. In the case of marriage, if Christian, God is said to be witness of that covenant, and if traditionalist, your gods are said to be the witnesses of that covenant and can be called on to stand against you, should you decide to break or deny the contract you made.

If you swore the Hippocratic oath, for instance, in front of a bunch of senior physicians, and administrators. The day you break that oath, which you really made to your self, they(the senior physicians and administrators) will likely be among those who help ensure that the penalties for breaking the oath you took are enforced. Again, even though you took the oath of your own.

You forgot to add the conditions between the parties involved.Marriage vows are taken on the grounds of trust,love,acceptance e.t.c. Like i said earlier, sometimes these conditions are not stated clearly or openly,prenup is different thing,but once trust,love and all other conditions are broken do you think the vow is void and null?

Why will someone abuse his/her partner if love or trust exist?why will someone claim to keep a vow when the love and trust that puts one in a state of safety is gone?may be we should start adding abuse to prenups and marriage vows..and here is a sample...lol

I, ____, take you, ____, to be my lawfully wedded(husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death and/or abuse do us part.And as long as a live, I will continue to give you updates on what constitute abuse,so help me god.

its a shame we will twist anything to favor what we are used to.Yes abuse is relative,but the question remains,can we judge divorcees on the grounds of abuse using bible scriptures that cover adultery alone,or is there a portion of the bible that talks about marital abuse?

One more thing,is there a vow without conditions whether acknowledge or not?

debrief08: Night love.
Let me get the Church thing off my chest today. It is one of those churches obsessed with branches in every corner.
Anyway, My Ex was a major financial muscle, bought Pastor a Car and sponsored one or (wo foreign trips. So when there is conflict and I report to His Pastor( I joined him from another church) I got the "be submissive, fast and pray sermon, He is a generous man, don't disturb him, if he upsets you pray to God for comfort"
Anyway, one day I had brusies as usual, I normally wear long sleaves and shades when I have bruises because I am fair skinned and it shows easily, so It was really hot and there was a tiny one behind my neck I imagined my hair will cover it so I didn't tie a veil round my neck as usual, I have never seen Pastors wife so upset, and it wasn't because I was beaten and bruised it was because I didn't cover it well.m
She dragged me and gave me a serious lecture on how to properly cover up and "hide my shame", told me that people will start talking and I shouldn't bring shame to my husband, even advised that on days I was too badly bruised I should simply send my offering and not attend church. Lol
When I was in the hospital, none of them came simply called and "prayed" for me. When I left and didn't go back Madam Pastor called almost cursing me on the phone and ordering me back home, when she was done I called her by her full name and asked if she didn't have anything better to do like covering her husbands recent scandal with choir girl up. Dead silence on the other line, I know so many others face the same

Nigeria religious hypocrites are hard to understand!Don't worry you are not a lone,they don't like people that can see beyond their lies,you were isolated because you made them uncomfortable,your decision was a challenge to their fake lives and lies.Religious people will give me HBP...

Originalsly: The marriage vow quoted left right and centre is not Biblical period. People can explain how much they want but can they point it in any scripture? It is a man made vow....pagan....same as praying to Mary. I guess people keep repeating it so much that now so many believe it is somewhere in the Bible....same as those who keep repeating God hates divorce when the Bible clearly states under what conditions a man can divorce his wife and what should not happen after divorce. About abuse... although the Bible does not specify abuse.....I think it advise that you basically separate and may reunite again. However, if you become involved with someone else you are committing adulrery.

A law is a law! So it will be better if you specify the separation idea as yours.If the bible does not mention marital abuse,should divorcees on that ground be judged by the same scriptures?