Technical writing skill is mediocre. Storytelling skill, also mediocre. Pacing was good, I guess.

HiDee2:



Thank you for the concise review. Your kind words are like drops of cold water on a hot, tasking afternoon.. The observations are well noted. Thank you.

On why I chose to liken death to a merchant who does not pay its debts-
In the poem, I considered death as a merchant, a skilled trader, and usually traders borrow to do business. Continuous cycles of borrowing and paying back keep everyone in business- the lender and the borrower, thus, the business is kept going.

But in death's case (the subject of the poem), although death is a well established merchant, a rich one at that (considering how many people it has over the millennial years borrowed from the various clans), it still refuses to pay back what it owes.

Perhaps I should have qualified so that is, "the rich merchant" rather than merely "the merchant". What do you think?

I think it might.
My issue with the merchant metaphor was that, on it's own, it isn't associated with any emotion. I think that's the reason why death is so often conceptualized as and reaper or taxman: occupations that have an inherent, usually negative feelings attached to them.
I think rich merchant would denote the greed that you ascribe to death in your piece.
Again, thank you very much for sharing.

I don't see the point really, you liken death to a merchant and then you talk about not repaying debts... The metaphor doesn't fit. I see the parallel between death taking and giving nothing in return, and merchants who traditionally are supposed to be involved in equal trade but it's a bit convoluted.

Then you talk about secrets.

Then there's the random (but admittedly beautiful) imagery of stars under fiery clouds.

The second and third verses are a lot tighter and more cohesive, and overall your technical skill is excellent.

Very good read, sir.

If you're going to directly copy/paste stuff from Wikipedia, at least remove the reference links first.

Eh, I'm in.

So I'm guessing you own the site?

sirjay:
Weirdo

image

I don't know what to think, neither do I understand, I keep wondering why I am like this. I don't understand myself neither do I understand others, worse, they don't even understand me.

I am a babel of emotions, worse than bipolar I can be happy and sad at the time, or switch from one to the other in splits. In love and hating, Anger and calmness. Everything is just muddled up.

I get confused, but I am brilliant, intelligence is a part of me as I am a part of it, I figure out things even before others do. But when I present my ideas they are too dull to get it, so they say its gibberish. Maybe in another fourty years they will find out. After am dead maybe, and probably erect a memorial for me.

As pawan the wind I am carefree, culture and societal values don't mean a hoot. Neither do annoying and nonconstructive opinions. I am very good at not giving fs. And shoving disses where the sun never comes up.

My dress sense is crazy, who cares about make up? Something that fully covers.. Yeah. I don't fit in but I stand out.

I have tried believe me, I have tried to be like you, to act like you do, to tame myself, to correct my weirdness and confusion. But I just can't, cos I am as abnormal as everyone.

But I am ME, and I careless what others think, point fingers and throw eggs, jeer and boo, insult and castigate.

I am a weirdo, am wired like that...
I am a weirdo, weirdo and proud

www.juggernautbnyusuf.

Hey.
Joined approx. 2 minutes ago, so I'm not exactly familiar with the way things are done around here, but I figure the essence of posting any piece of art/literature online is to get feedback, so...
What immediately sticks out, aside from the excessive angst, is the rather clumsy prose. Poetry is music, music has to have rhythm "point fingers and throw eggs, jeer and boo... " limps. it doesn't flow.
As a whole, the piece comes off as a bit incoherent and manic... I'd go into more detail but typing on mobile is a bitch.
Cheers.