One sentence we are who, we are -- and we rarely change us for anyone, but ourselves.

Honestly, I dont know and there is no formula for it. No one is above mistakes, and you should not be scared to pull the 'trigger' (break up), anytime you make one. You should be more concerned with getting a good one, be her chaste or not. Imagine a scenerio where a lady was raped by her cousin -- and she hates herself. For me, she not bad, albeit not a vigin. Things happen and we have to understand that. I am not saying you should drop your standard, but try to accommodate others into your cliche of potential paternal. My simple advice look for a good woman, be her chaste or not. And flee from the bad ones, especially the bit.ches (I really hate these ones). And you can categorise when you interact with them and also observe them. Do not be scared of making mistakes -- everyone does. All the best man!

You are a very funny character. Do you think you can get the answers to your questions through posts on nairaland? The necessary knowledge are written in books, and you only need to reach out to these books. All your 'hear say' would never help you. But one thing I would praise you for is, you are sound like a critical person, and I would say you should keep that up. Questions demand answers, and answers--in an organise form--can be gotten in the pages of books.

lorretta u: Happy new year to you tho

Same to you.

lorretta u: you sound like a mumu

What happened to the men who have slept with 50 girls before marriage? That means they are as useless as dirty rags. With no value at all Right?

Or you belong to the warped school of thought that a girl who sleeps with 3 guys is a hoe while the guy who sleeps with 10girls is da bomb.

IMO thay are the same
If being a non virgin makes the girl second hand,it makes the man second hand too

One thing you fail to understand is that, a man and a woman are two different beings. The thing is, when a woman chooses to useless herself as a man did, she tends to be more on the receiving end. Have you for one asked yourself why the woman carry more reponsibility than man? A promiscuous woman gets a loose vagi.na (even vagi.na tightener has its' limitations), while the man initial gets a fairly bigger dic.k, and later he suffers from erectile dysfunction. The woman is more prone to stds than the man, and she carries the burden of unwanted pregnancy. And do not forget the spiritual consequencies. Yes, I agree that both of them are both 'ashewos' and neither should be celebrated, but don't compare or equate them.

Let me commend you for the initial posts you made.

vickyO:

What are you saying?
Don't add salt to injury..
Do you know what most of these victims pass through?
It takes a lot for them to get their self esteem back up.

I was actually boosting her self esteem in my own way. I hope she understands. She is actually stronger than she imagines herself to be.

chidyhels: You have to drop this your mindset about your capabilities, you are not weak. Are u a Christian?

Don't mind her. She does not know what some other people have done in her situation. I have read of ladies that committed suicide because they were molested. Some others became serial heartbreakers, while some became prostitutes, and so on. She is here seeking advice on how to overcome her problem, and still believes herself to be "very very weak". Then what would the others be called?

chidyhels:
Hrtbrks are inevitable as far as humans are concernd. Its better now than later,we learn from mistakes.

You have a point, but there is time to experience all that. There is time for everything. The experiments of some have actually caused them their marriages.

lovelyhrt93: will feel bad but he doesn't live in Lagos again, have not seen him since lyk 10 years or so. And then he smokes and drink. What if he denied it and every1 believe, its ova 13years o n more so ever , I school in the state his family lives, he can hurt me there. Really scared o. Families can kill each other n am a very very weak lady

Ok. All the best! He would surely rip what he has sowed.

lovelyhrt93: thanks kundi90, have gone through the sites. Want to wait few more years when am very much mature before telling them

so how would you feel if that your cousin replicates the act, and the victim is not as strong as you.

Ishilove: After all, a lot of these relationships do lead to marriage.

A lot? It is even more of the inverse, with a lot of broken hearts

lovelyhrt93: Apy new year. Tanx so much
Don't think I can tell my parent, really scared oo. My parent use whatever u tell them against u.my parent Dnt cool down 2 listen 2 anything.. rily scared of wat d outcome will be wen I tell them planning on keeping the secret just pray it doesn't eat me up. rily goin through a lot with this issue. Just pray it get better this year. N praying for a very forgiven spirit.

Praying alone from now to eternity would not solve the problem. Your brain would not allow you to forget the incident easily. Work on yourself, then pray -- the sayings of a wise man. You reason like your parent (father) is your rival. He is there to protect you, not oppress.

Telling your mum might not be advisable, because she might also sweep it under the carpet, like you did. Alway, you can still tell her and visit this website: http://overcomingsexualabuse.com/2010/04/19/preparing-to-heal-from-sexual-abuse/ and do not forget to get and READ the books recommended by the writer -- http://overcomingsexualabuse.com/resources/books/ .

And stop calling yourself a slut. No one in his right senses would term you a slut. You were a victim (?)!

Happy new year.

Ishilove:
I agree with you except for the bolded. She is in her twenties. She is old enough to be involved in a relationship. However, she is not psychologically ready to handle it so she should keep away from relationships until her issues are sorted out.

Maybe, but I need to ask; why does she need one? At that stage of her life, the only thing she needs to be doing is making a life. No real benefit in a relationship at that age.

Baby mama:



I came in late in this party and to the Op I would say these
How dare you insult the intelligence of people by starting a thread ,actually threads on your issues and people comment sincerely to help you then you go offline to tell details to a poster?
If he is the only person who understands you and your situation then spare us and unburden on his manly shoulders ,let him help you wipe your tears and energize you to fight for your man.( whatever that stupid term means)

Exactly my thoughts. She came to give us the half truth and led us all to give rubbish reccomendations. That was one of the reasons I stopped commenting because saying what is really in my mind would hurt her. How can the op of a post, come to view her own thread as a guest.

Less I forget Happy new year to you all!

Firstly, your dad's elder sister's son is your cousin.

You need to tell someone, most preferably a psychologist. Incase you find it hard to get a professional, you have to tell your dad. Locking up that feelings would only make you hate men, and the man that suffers the hatred, would be your husband (if you ever choose to have one). You have to cry that bad incident out. The guy needs to be punished or disciplined, before he buys the idea that he can molest anyone. Your silence would not help you, both. He might go on to molest other children or even his own wife (very common incident in this country), because he was successful with his first.

And what are you doing with a boyfriend at your age? Now, if these boys go on to assult you again you would say "men are this and that." Am not saying you should not have male friends, but being too close one is not proper, to me. You are too young to be having one, and you need to heal up first before considering dating anybody. Face your studies and understand what you want from life. Work on yourself and never wish him bad, because you would also reap from your evil thoughts. Happy new year!

dinachi: He hasn't moved on yet...be patient...

I hope so! I would not want another I-hate-men lady created, because she fell mugu for a guy twice. Also remember to address the family "remote control" stuff when advicing her.

dinachi:

You already have a pre concieved notion....keep it all to yourself


From what I know, this is not the first time they have had the disagreement...both are differing personalities.... and most of the time the fault have been hers.... the guy is a careful meticulous person...she is the carefree playful type... Actually the guy feels she is taking him for granted...and that is why....he is really offended....she truly loves the guy from what I know......and I believe that the relationship has a good chance of survival..

you have a point, but why did the guy move on so fast like he was expecting the break up?

Well, na her palaver. I have already said my own. She has the freewill to do anything she wants with her life.

dinachi:

Leave her alone go and get your own!

Now I need to ask; how old are you? You don't sound matured.

dinachi:

You are a joke . She sent me a mail, I didn't request for it so whats your own? I don't really know why you are beefing this girl so much.Are you addicted to wickedness?

You that have commented more than three times shows you are desperate to stop her from going back to her love. i detect hints of jealousy in you. Please stop beefing her God will give you your own!

Why would I beef her? It is you I am beefing! I suspect something from you, and I am trying to help a neighbour, as a wise man once said we should.

@op, take donachi's advice and you have sold the only thing you have in the relationship/marriage. Do you know the reason a man respects his wife? He respects her, because she makes him humble, not the other way around. He has the money, and also would make you fight for him. Then what would you donate to the marriage? Sex? I pity you!

dinachi:

You are not certain the guy will do worse after marriage because no love story is the same! Every relationship has a history.When i gave her my advice she wanted to send me a mail. That shows that there are underlining issue she may not want to discuss here. Also remember the guy never talk his own side of the story. How can you conclude when you have not heard from both sides? And from the way she was telling her story i could sense that she knows that she wronged the guy. Her situation to me is peculiar and i will not want to wave it off just like that. I could feel her pain and i understood that . I don't know how you couldn't see the same and yet you are a woman

Why do you need her ex to explain his side of the story, when she specifically told us they have not given a reason for the cancellation of the wedding. Who on earth does that? I know she must have wronged the guy, but the guy should have stated her faults. I would, and dump her without looking back. All she is doing here is guess -- which is evident from her opening post. The guy has said she should move on, so what hope are you giving her unless you also want to 'chop' her?

@ Cosmass be very careful! No true helper writes his email address thrice. That shows desperation!

You should also answer Efemena_xy.

dinachi:

My take is if she loves the guy she should go for him and talking about money how many of you ladies here will not love a rich husband. I hope you ladies are not jealous of her.....just saying!

You have to, in the least add some uncertainty to your assertion that I am a lady. Yes, it good for a lady to marry a rich guy, but the guy just has to show her some respect and must importantly, love her. Why would you advice her to new willing to drink his "shit", all in the name of marrying a rich guy. Can you as a guy do that to a lady, because you have a deep pocket? I for one cannot do what that guy did. He should at least tell her why he called off the wedding. It is obvious you have not read the other threads. Someone like Efemena_xy understands my point. I am certain the guy would do worse when he marries her. No wonder many of them (married women) are attempting suicide.

@Efemena_xy yes you might be correct. On the first thread, she wrote, "the guy spoils her silly" -- "Money things!". She misses the money more, I can now see clearly now.

Cosmass:

What do you classify as being young? Who told you I haven't been heartbroken before?

Because you sound like one. I came to this conclusion when I read your other threads and the replies you gave. You even attested to it, when someone asked you in one of those thread. You might have been heart-broken before, but it seems to me that you need more lessons from that same guy.

You definitely have not gotten over him -- this thread proves me right. All your efforts should be directed to forgetting him, and not nursing an idea that he might come back to you. I hope you wouldn't mind if I ask you this: will you accept him back if he has contacted some std-s (just an assumption). Stop giving him an excuse that he might be jazzed (I don't believe they work), he did what he really wanted to do, and I think his mother helped him out. My thought is: everything was planned!

This guy disrespected you, your friends and your family, with no tangible reason (s) for doing so. You deserve better and please be careful with dinachi -- everyone knows you are soft.

@dinachi did you go through her other threads? Forget femilism, that is not a way to treat a lady he once marrying as a wife. I expect worse from him if they eventually, forcefully get married. A guy that has no mind of his own is a sitting bomb that is waiting to explode!

jaydeemourg:
@kundi, thanks for d response. So how does the listening section go since it involves audio? Just asking to have an idea of what I will be facing on the test day. Thanks

Go to this link: http://www.your-ielts-guide.com/ielts-listening.shtml

@all please you guys should leave her alone. Some humans need to experience life before they can learn. From what i can gather she is young so she needs to be heartbroken more before she understands what you are telling her. It is her type that end up being a relationship expert after so many heart-breaks. She really wants (needs) that guy, so she would not listen to those of you that are against him, but someone like dinachi. Come to think of it, that guy is really missing out on her, she really loves (loved) him.

jaydeemourg: Any1 writing ielts test in Benin city? And does any1 know the kind of test it is, computer based or paper basedtest.?

All ielts tests in Nigeria are paper based.

Guys, you don't have to abuse or curse someone else, because they have an opposing view to yours. Please be civil. I think this thread should be moved to the family section, so more people can contribute. The guys in the romance section only know and like talking about sex.

My simple advice is: don't do anything to hurt her. She messed up and she knows that (some ladies don't), so that is a plus for her. Why should you be seeking to make her dislike you? You know your stand on her, so you should let her keep being nice to you. You need a nice ex around and not some "cursing-machine". Who knows, you might need her later in the future, for either getting a good wife (her recommendations might be helpful), or financial stuffs (anyone can help you), et al. In conclusion, I would advice you to keep her as a friend and make sure you tell her what she is to you, so she stops having an alien idea.

I have drank (or am drinking) the old wine and it was sour in the mouth, so I would rather taste the new one than go back to the old. This was what south west did in 2011 and it has paid-off for us. Uncle Jona can only win that 2015 election if he fulfils the promises he gave to nigerians. As for me, I would vote for him if he gives me that constant electricity. I don't care about any political party, just fix my dear country!