[quote author=Tedpgrass]@ Leavinglon,
1) you married a culture n family when you married your husband, regardless of his previous declarations pre-marriage. This is evident given his return to "primitive" form.
.[/quote

I was aware that the Nigerian culture was 'harsh' and probably not one that I would rush to embrace as a 'foreigner' hence, prior to our marriage, we had long talks, counseling etc on how to deal with this. But I guess I was deceived; I was reassured that though he is of Nigerian decent, he did not agree with some of the culture. and given that he was born and had spent most of his life in the UK I thought I should believe. So to now hear that one marries a culture n family when they marry their husband (especially nigerian culture) is faaar more than I had bargained for.

2)[quote author=Tedpgrass]
hubby spending more time with his mum:
This can be quite tough to take on, but remember here is an OAP, if I'm allowed to use the word, who is used to being kept busy and amused by family members who take it upon themselves to visit regularly, having to keep herself busy with TV and other vagaries.... no wonder, she finds Jerry Springer amusing.
.[/quote

While I see your view and hers about watching tele, Jerry Springer etc, I must say that she needs to be mindful of the environment she is in. I love watching crime and 'adult' films [wink wink, choosing words carefully here to avoid ban from pyguru]but I would definitely not watch these when my children are around!!! You know as well as I do, that Nigerian films (except Everyday People and Meet the Adebanjos) have a consistent storyline ie witchcraft, murder, infidelity, wives who cant conceive, women acting timid around their husbands etc, husbands shouting at their wives, etc....I swear to God, that that day when she sat with my kids watching one such films and my 6 year old saw a husband stabbing his wife to death, he started crying and couldnt understand why 'a dad would do that to a mum'. Needless to say that that night was a battle as he kept waking up & coming to our room to see if everything was ok.

[quote author=Tedpgrass]
where you treat her to special things..... Let it be known in a gentle way that this is your favour, not her son's undercover favour.
.[/quote

I have stopped treating her!!!!!!!! It is hard work. Christmas gifts are often returned because she feels when she calculates the value of her gifts in Niara, it is far too much money to spend on a top, a bag, a shoe or something. And please dont think about taking her out for dinner- she insists on finding out the cost of the dinner and there she goes again, checking to see what she could have used that money to buy in Nigeria. All her kids have spoken to her about this 'behaviour' but...

[quote author=Tedpgrass]
you NEVER NEVER backchat. Not to talk of insulting an In-Law, no matter how young they may be. In some yoruba families, you can't call by name, all the male children that predates your marriage. One finds herself calling a little boy, pre-teenager, uncle bla bla...... This is simply to provide examples of this respect thingy.
.[/quote

So no back chat eh? Now, this is the very reason why I know we CANNOT live in the same house!!!! oK I dont back chat!!! If however, she says something, I respond - it is rude not to, isn't it? If she, my husband, or anyone says something complimentary, I will respond accordingly. If the opposite, I most certainly will respond accordingly.

I work with hundreds of youngsters and the ones who are often timid,have low self esteem (looking at their toes when being spoken to, keeping their mouths shut when they should open it etc) are usually those from African or caribbean decent. I once had to rescue a child from being given a detention and parents called in because he not only refused to look at his headteacher when he was being reprimanded to but also refused to answer - all in the name of 'my culture says I should not look adults in the eyes cause it appears rude and my culture says not to 'back chat' - a term which in my view,some kids misunderstand. BTW I am not implying that children should be rude. In my view and experience, this is where the culture causes our children to become 'mutes', passive with low self confidence - they then grow up into adulthood and fail to sell themselves well especially in interviews. THis is England, not answering or loooking someone in the eye is deemed as rude!!! I know it might sound that I am veering off but your back chat guide just reminds me of my MIL who often silences my kids when they try to explain one thing or the other to her. A beg, mek u nuh go deh oh!!!

[quote author=Tedpgrass]
I read with distaste, your comments about husband being made redundant and potential resulting issues

Pls let me remind you, if I'm allowed:
The success or failure of your union lies in your hands. When I read comments like yours where there is an unexpected change of financial headship, due to circumstances, and the woman gloats as you have done, it bears strange forebodings.
.[/quote

This is the best part of your post so far, in my view. But the words that really annoy me is the use of the words 'gloats' and 'distaste' but if that is how you feel, I suppose, that is how you feel
First of all, I think my humility has turned me into a naive idiot for these reasons and more:
1) the culture says that when his mum/dad dies, they need to have had a house in which they should be buried - it is money from our marital pot that is being sent to Nigeria to build this house (eventhough I am the only one working, I have never ever objected to this. I dont mind! I dont care! I love him so trust him! Dont care!!! - I certainly dont call that gloating)
2) his dad had about 100 wives. So he is now helping to care for his zillion of young siblings. iT IS money from OUR marital pot that is being sent to Nigeria for these young ones. I dont mind! I dont care! I have no objection and have never ever questioned this - I certainly dont call that gloating.
3) Eventhough I am the only one working, when filling out forms, i sometimes have to find out my monthly income because he is in total control of the finances. Silly, naive, idiotic is what I call it - not gloating!!!! My husband has a very expensive taste - the best car, the most high profile gadgets etc I am the one working, yet if I am to buy a pair of shoe, consultation must be had. I am not normally bothered by that. I swear to god, I never have. We often have a laugh about it and move one.

My friends are in total shock that I could allow this to happen!!!! Never bothered by them and their view. but maybe i should take a closer look at this because as I write, it is becoming apparent that something isn't right here... uhmm.


Tedpgrass, the culture is far too heavy for a foreigner like me to bear! While i can live with my hubby, I certainly cant live with my MIL. She is out now and I have started to move on. Thanks again for your time.
Regards
Leaving

leavinglon:



Just by chance, i checked my profile and found my most innocent post was banned. Can someone tell me why pyguru did that? There was no explanation for doing this which means that history kept repeating itself. I think it is absurd. How do i get it published cause at the moment it is hidden.

Finally unbanned. Thank you.

ifyalways: Sighs.

I'm interested in the concluding part of your story.break your reply into say 4 paragraphs of 5 sentences per post. It should work. The bot hides long posts. It happened to me last night.

I have now been unbanned on the original thread...sorry for cross between threads. View update there....

Yesterday, i spent over an hour updating niaraland on the progress of my MIL only to find that i was banned and my post was hidden - the works of pyguru?

If anyone us interested, the original thread can be found on the link below. Hopefully, they will stóp hiding the last post so updates can be seen. Afterall i had tried reposting x6 not knowing that I was banned and the real cause of the ban.


https://www.nairaland.com/653201/nigerian-mother-law-could-trying

ifyalways:

Sorry.I think its the spam bot.You can break and post in bits,the spam bot usually mark lengthy posts as spam.

Just by chance, i checked my profile and found my most innocent post was banned. Can someone tell me why pyguru did that? There was no explanation for doing this which means that history kept repeating itself. I think it is absurd. How do i get it published cause at the moment it is hidden.

leavinglon: j


Dont know what is happening. Spent almost an hour typing up post and it keeps saying "post is hidden".??

Show details

Another attempt at responding here. Using my phone so all technical issues are a bit tedious at the moment. Cant cut and paste smaller chunks as was suggested.

Thanks for all your response to datę. I will try to answer most of your questions. MIL had come to help look after kids but she seems to have done so much damage the kids are getting far too rough for my liking ie they are now barking at each other. No please, thank you. She burps soo loudly and speaks with food in her mouth, answers her mobile while having dinner (FORBIDDEN) wudnt dare do it when my husband is having dinner with us. It is soo embarrassing when we are out to social events or with my work mates and the kids do these habits they has picked up from her.

What Didnt help was that her arrival brought out the primitive side of my husband in that he too began to speak aggressively on top of watching niaja films from sunrise to sunset. And for those who know niaja films you will know that most of it is witchcraft, killing, fight fight fight. She has now found jerry springer and good god she watches it with my kids around.

I swear to god, i never knew that one person could watch tv so much. Ask her to read with kids Oh no!!! Tv tv tv.

I swear to god if she was a tad younger, i wud think she is not the mother, but my husband Nigerian wife. She wont eat unless he eating, she wont go to bed unless he going to bed. When going to bed, she has to pass my bedroom which when open she pass as if she sees no one but if hussy and I are there sitting she will say "goodnight". They watch football together. They do every striking thing together which means i have little time with hussy. We were meant to go to the cinema go watch a nice one and guess what?he wanted to take her along. Of course i told him to go on alone with her. I def wudnt be doing this with my own mum cause our tastes are of different generation and era but she/he are Siamese twins.

Got so bad i was stressed and having palpitations and panic attacks when coming home from work. Was soo depressed i no longer wanted to come home. Was constantly getting ill and spending soo much time in my bedrooom. Guessed she loved that.

But a week ago, having begged my husband to try and take his head out of the sand, i flipped. I lost it. I loooost it. She is now out and staying with her daughter. Her daughter just got married to a guy from Gambia but i have just found out that he too had been complaining when MIL was visiting for 1 or 2 weeks. Imagine that When she is only at their place for one or 2 weeks when i put my foot down that I need a break. When i told the daughter how stressed i was, she too, like my husband getting uptight that I have married in the family and that this responsibility comes with Nigerian marriage.

I have been to the council and they are happy to give her a flat but no no. She dont want that. She either wants to stay with her kids or go back to niaja. She is about 65.

My husband is a bit hurt that I "insulted" his mother by telling her that "anyone with common sense wud use their head and send the kids back to bed when they are up too early instead of switching on tele" . But I dont flipping care. She has changed my kids with this bloody tele which i dont even watch much. bTW when i do choose to watch it, she just changes the channel from one film to the other without any courtesy.

I have had enough!!! She is now out and will only return for one or 2 days. Why the help she dont want a flat is beyond me. I mean, she cud be living 2 houses away but no.

Hussy now wants me to feel guilty that I dont want her there but if he carries on, he too will be out.
My story....
Leavinlon

ifyalways: What's going on here?

@OP, any updates?

j


Dont know what is happening. Spent almost an hour typing up post and it keeps saying "post is hidden".??

Hi everyone,
Thanks for all your response to datę. I will try to answer most of your questions.
MIL had come to help look after kids but she seems to have done so much damage the kids are getting far too rough for my liking ie they are now barking at each other. No please, thank you. She burps soo loudly and speaks with food in her mouth, answers her mobile while having dinner (FORBIDDEN) wudnt dare do it when my husband is having dinner with us. It is soo embarrassing when we are out to social events or with my work mates and the kids do these habits they has picked up from her.

What Didnt help was that her arrival brought out the primitive side of my husband in that he too began to speak aggressively on top of watching niaja films from sunrise to sunset. And for those who know niaja films you will know that most of it is witchcraft, killing, fight fight fight. She has now found jerry springer and good god she watches it with my kids around.

I swear to god, i never knew that one person could watch tv so much. Ask her to read with kids Oh no!!! Tv tv tv.

I swear to god if she was a tad younger, i wud think she is not the mother, but my husband Nigerian wife. She wont eat unless he eating, she wont go to bed unless he going to bed. When going to bed, she has to pass my bedroom which when open she pass as if she sees no one but if hussy and I are there sitting she will say "goodnight". They watch football together. They do every striking thing together which means i have little time with hussy. We were meant go go to the cinema go wat h a nice one and guess what?he wanted to take her along. Of course i told him to go on alone with her. I def wudnt be doing this with my own mum cause our tastes are of different generation and era but she/he are Siamese twins.

Got so bad i was stressed and having palpitations and panic attacks when coming home from work. Was soo depressed i no longer wanted to come home. Was constantly getting ill and spending soo much time in my bedrooom. Guessed she loved that.

But a week ago, having begged my husband to try and take his head out of the sand, i flipped. I lost it. I loooost it. She is now out and staying with her daughter. Her daughter just got married to a guy from Gambia but i have just found out that he too had been complaining when MIL was visiting for 1 or 2 weeks. Imagine that When she is only at their place for one or 2 weeks when i put my foot down that I need a break. When i told the daughter how stressed i was, she too, like my husband getting uptight that I have married in the family and that this responsibility comes with Nigerian marriage.

I have been to the council and they are happy to give her a flat but no no. She dont want that. She either wants to stay with her kids or go back to niaja. She is about 65.

My husband is a bit hurt that I "insulted" his mother by telling her that "anyone with common sense wud use their head and send the kids back to bed when they are up too early instead of switching on tele" . But I dont flipping care. She has changed my kids with this bloody tele which i dont even watch much. bTW when i do choose to watch it, she just changes the channel from one film to the other without any courtesy.

I have had enough!!! She is now out and will only return for one or 2 days. Why the help she dont want a flat is beyond me. I mean, she cud be living 2 houses away but no.

Hussy now wants me to feel guilty that I dont wang her there but if he carries on, he too will have go go find somewhere.

My story
Leavinglon

Thank you all for your response so far. I have treated her as my mom for the last 9 years but now that she is living with us, she is beginnijg to change. Just got news that my husband is being made redundant. Keen to see how things will change around here with me being the only one working,

I just cant understand why they speak to younger children in the family like filth, in the name of elders, yet if this is reciprocated it becomes a death sentence.

I definitely do not like the idea of making requests which sound ever so direct and bossy. My children are 2 years old and 5 years old. At this stage, my youngest is still learning to say please so constantly having someone around who feels that 'in the name of culture' a senior should not use please/thank you when dealing with a junior is just not sitting well with me. When my eldest reminds her to ask nicely and use please/thank you, she aims at him with the back of his hand as if to threaten to box him. Now, this is where I get infuriated, simply put, i dont think this is for me.

Akan, I am not from nigeria. my parents were born here and so was i. Thanks though for your response. i take it that you are nigerian yourself, can i ask why the elders always demand that children do something instead of asking, eg. bring me water, instead of may i PLEASE have some water,

my husband and i have been married for the last 10 years. both my husband and i were born here. he is cultually more british than nigerian and to be honest, that was one of the many reasons i fell for him. we have 2 lovely kids and secure in our jobs. my mother in law has been visiting us from nigeria throughout the 10 years we have been together but now, we have decided to apply for her to live here indefinitely. #

sadly, since she has got her papers, i am beginning to see a different side to her. she now speaks to me very rudely-no more please or thank you, she is terribly aggressive- snatches this from me and looks me up and down, has no tact, barks at the kids and to make things worse, she expects me to clean up after her and do this constant bowing thing. the last trod, is when she told me not to wear shorts in the house or eat when my husband is eating ~(i should eat when he has finished). to cut a long story short, we has an argument in which she told me that if i was in niigeria i would be her slave, then she made the mistake to caLL ME 'STUPID GIRL'. I told here she was a fool. the whole family is waiting to kill me because 'i have abused an elder'.

in my view, respect goes in 2 ways. but, according to them, elders can say and do anything. My husband is beginning to change since his mother is here. he isnt saying much, instead, he spends most of his free time (which we normally share) with her, watching this nigerian film, one after the ohter. the worryinng thing is that he is beginning to  behave aggressively to me like they do in those films. I fear, this is the end of my marriage.

Surprisingly, my husband told me that when we got married, i got married to the culture so my mother in law is here to live with us,in our home, eternally. Not sure i can cope with that. Where have I gone wrong?

sorry for the typos; typing with one hand as my daughter is falling asleep.