Barely 2 weeks ago, I published a note titled "Let’s Get Undressed" and the most common descriptor for that note was "Scary." I actually wrote that note to promote Family School, a class on building healthy families organized by the Real Woman Foundation in Lagos. And by the way, the class will commence on Monday, 18th March through Friday, 22nd.

A few days ago, one of my High Capacity Friends, Ify Essien-Akpan, drilled me to write a sequel for the note. Since about 70% of the cases discussed in Let’s Get Undressed centered on sex, she was of the opinion that I write another one where other issues marriages face will be highlighted besides sex.

Ify and I had a short brainstorming session to come up with several of these cases. To be candid, she actually did more of the work. It got to a point where I asked her if she had a plan to make people allergic to marriage. It was that serious.

Now, just like Let’s Get Undresed, the objective of this note is not to scare you or make your decisions for you but to make you aware that these things happen and there is no formula to help us know who they will happen to. But with the right knowledge you can be better prepared for them or maybe you can decide that it is better the ship never sailed instead of encountering rogue waves. And that is what Family School does. It opens you up so you can make the decision for yourself.

But unlike Let’s Get Undressed where I stated 7 cases, here I will not elaborate on any. I will just list a couple of questions that you should have answers for before the ship sets sail. They are questions that you and that person that makes your head to spin should have already settled before you say “I do.” This is where you get undressed before you get undressed.
[b]
1. How many children are we having?
2. Four years after marriage, no child. What do we do?
3. How will we manage money, joint accounts or separate accounts?
4. Couple of years down the line either or both of us loses job what do we do?
5. Couple of years later I, the wife, is earning a lot more than you are earning and I am transferred to another country or location within Nigeria. Will you go with me?
6. One of us develops a medical condition that affects our fertility what do we do?
7. One of us is involved in an accident that permanently affects our physical condition e.g. loss of sight, become crippled, amputation, memory loss. What do we do?
8. I, the wife, reaches menopause earlier than expected before we have the number of kids we plan on having what do we do?
9. What plans do we have in place should any of us die while the kids are still very young. How do we protect the family estate from in-laws?
10. How important is sex to you? Every day? Once a week? Once a month? Once a year?
11. Are there issues in your family line that I should know about?
12. Who is going to be the next of kin?
13. Peradventure we have a mentally challenged child what will we do?
14. Is there any issue in your past I should know about? Do you have a child somewhere? Is there a medical issue like no womb? Do you belong to any cult?
15. Can our younger ones come and live with us after we get married?
16. Do you have any addictions I need to know about e.g. Pornography, gambling, etc.?
17. Do you have any sexual preferences? Are you bisexual? Are you okay with Mouth Gig, anal sex, etc?
18. Is there anything I will do that will make you divorce me?
19. Can I still hang out with friends from the past after marriage?
20. I am still friends with people I had relationships with in the past. Can the friendship continue after we get married?[/b]

I can actually hear some of you saying, "God forbid. This is not my portion." But like I said at the beginning, the objective is not to scare but to let you know the level of your preparation. When all you are doing is visiting Silverbird Cinemas and Kentucky Fried Chicken you tend to think that is all there is in life. And I really wish there was a pill I could give to you to make your life continue that way but there is none.

Is there any one right answer to all of those questions? No. Both parties need to agree on what line of action they will take in the eventuality of any of them occurring after marriage. This is what I mean.

What happens if 4 years after marriage there is still no child? There are different ways couples can handle that kind of situation:
Go for adoption
Go for artificial insemination
Go separate ways
Keep believing God
Whichever option the couple decides is okay as long as both of them are in agreement. But if they never discussed it ahead of time and such a case comes up the wife may say, "Let’s go for adoption." And the husband will reply, "God forbid! All my elder brothers’ wives gave birth to their own children. I will never adopt any child. If you can’t give me children then just get ready to leave my house." Now you see there is a problem. But if before they even got married they had discussed this and arrived at a common ground this problem would have been averted.

Now, listen. You probably spent 18 years or more from your primary to university or polytechnic just to get a job that you will still retire from someday. I read Electrical Electronics Engineering in school but I only worked with it for 4 years and 7 months before I resigned to be on my own. And right now I don’t even know where my statement of result is because for the past three years it has not put food on my table. If we can spend that long getting prepared for a job that we will still retire from is it not wise that we should also prepare for something we plan on doing for the rest of our lives which is marriage? Many people get married with little or no preparation and then start fire-fighting. Is that what you want?

From Monday, 18th March, through Friday, 22nd, The Real Woman Foundation will be organizing a Family School where issues like these and many more will be discussed so you can make your decisions. It is not a class for ladies alone. It is for both the guys and the ladies. If you reside in Lagos or you reside outside Lagos but you can still make it, I want to encourage you to attend this class. The Fee is just N5,000 for the five days. Is your marriage not worth N5,000? I was once a student of this school. I have done both the basic and the advanced class. And I must tell you it is worth more than N5,000.


For more information contact:

The Real Woman Foundation,
Life Skills Training Center,
6, Jubilee Road, Magodo,
Off CMD Road,
Close to NEPA Bus Stop,
Magodo, Shangisha, Lagos.
Tel: 0810-859-2659


The one whom Jesus loves,
Mute Efe,
Twitter: @mute_efe
Facebook: www.facebook.com/mutehimself
+234-803-874-9796 (SMS Only)

Case 1.
Your husband’s younger brother who is seven years younger than you comes to live with you. The following morning you see him in the sitting room and knowing you are older than him you expect him to say, “Good morning.” Instead you receive the shock of your life when he asks you if you can’t greet. That don’t you realize that you are married to his brother and that gives him a higher status in the family. You report the incident to your husband expecting him to address this incident immediately. Instead he tells you that his brother is right. You have to be the one that should greet first. That is how it is done in their culture. Now you know that you are married.

Case 2.
Six months after getting married your husband tells you that you should plan to go and spend a week or two with his mother so as to help her with the domestic chores, that all his elder brothers’ wives came back home after getting married to help their mom. It is what their family tradition demands and he cannot be different. All your effort to make him realize that times have changed falls on deaf ears. He cannot afford to be seen in a bad light if his wife does not do what all other wives in the family have done. You must go alone to spend two weeks with his mother. Now you know that you are married.

Are you scared yet? No you are not. Let’s get naked.

Case 3.
It’s your wedding night. You and your husband courted for two years before you got married and not once did he make any sexual advances towards you. He was the perfect gentleman or so you thought. Tonight you are ready to give him your all. You count yourself blessed to have found such a wonderful man. The romance was great. He knew all the right places to touch you. Then you realize the pre-intimacy is getting too long. He is still not inside you yet. You ask him to get in and he tells you he can’t get it up. He gets on his knees and begs you to understand. He loves you so much but he is impotent. He cannot even get an erection. Now you know that you are married.

Case 4.
You are just about to resume work after the three weeks leave you took for your wedding and honeymoon. You are fully dressed up for work when your loving husband started making advances for sex. You both have a quickie before you finally leave for the office. You shrug it off that it’s probably a one-off thing. Then it happens the next day, and the next day, and the next day. Then it finally dawns on you that your loving husband is turned on by your corporate look. You will have to find a way to live with this for years to come. Now you know that you are married.

Case 5.
You’ve been married for two years and everything has been fine so far. Your loving husband returns from an evening out with the boys. And that night he makes advances for sex. At least that is what you think he wants, only this time he asks you to give him a Mouth Gig. Something he has never asked for in the past two years you’ve been married. He is your husband so you give him a Mouth Gig. Then he asks you to bend over, he wants anal sex. It finally dawns on you that some weird stuff was discussed in his time out with the boys and he wants to practice them with you. Now you know that you are married.

Are you scared yet? No you are not. Let’s get naked.

Case 6.
You’ve been married for a few months when you discover that your loving husband frequents a brothel. You confront him and he tells you he is sorry but he cannot stop the habit. You ask him why? And he says he cannot sleep with just one woman in bed. He only enjoys sex when there are two ladies in bed with him. If you want him to stop going to the brothel then you have to let him bring another woman home with him on the nights he wants to have sex. That is the only way he will be satisfied. Now you know that you are married.

Case 7.
You’ve been married for some years. Your daughter will soon be two years old. You get a call at the office from the preschool that you have a situation. Your soon to be two years old daughter has been violated. While they were trying to change her diapers that morning, they noticed semen and blood around her private part. The police is alerted. Further investigation revealed it was your loving husband that violated your daughter, his own daughter. When asked why he did it he says it was because your vagina is not tight enough for him anymore. Now you know that you are married.

Now you are really, really, scared.

I wish I could tell you that none of these scenarios will be your portion in Jesus’ name, so you can scream, “Amen!” But I can’t do that. The seven cases you just read were not made up. They are real cases experienced by real people. In fact, every one of those cases happened in Lagos. And they are happening everywhere around the globe. What is the guarantee that that tall, dark, and handsome guy you are courting will not be one of them?

The time for dating and courting is not just time for KFC and Silverbird Cinemas. It is also time to study yourselves and detect behavioural patterns that will be indicators of “Danger Ahead.” But how do you know what to look for? That is the big question.

If all you know about relationship and courtship are the five sentence paragraphs people place on their facebook walls, then you have serious issues. Ninety-eight percent of those people don’t have a clue what they are writing about. Getting married is much more than saying “I do.”

The Real Woman Foundation will be organizing a Family School where they will be teaching on How to Build a Successful Home. Several issues including but not limited to the following will be discussed in the school:
1. Gender differences
2. Sex in marriage
3. Sexual perversions
4. Managing family finance
5. Conflict in marriage
6. Social vices
7. Managing in-laws

If you reside in Lagos, whether you are single or married, male or female, that is where you should be from Monday, 18th of March through Friday, 22nd of March, 2013. The fee is just N5,000 for the five days. Remember, if you are still trying to get ready when you should be ready, then you are already late. Marriage is not supposed to be a painful surprise. It should be a beautiful experience.

I have been through this school. In fact, I have done both the basic and advanced modules of the school and it has changed my entire perspective on marriage. There are lots of things that happen in marriage that most singles have no idea about. This is an opportunity to take your eyes off KFC and Silverbird Cinemas and prepare for the challenges that will come.

For more information contact:

The Real Woman Foundation,
Life Skills Training Center,
6, Jubilee Road, Magodo,
Off CMD Road,
Close to NEPA Bus Stop,
Magodo, Shangisha, Lagos.
Tel: 0810-859-2659


The one whom Jesus loves,
Mute Efe,
Twitter: @mute_efe
Facebook: www.facebook.com/mutehimself
+234-803-874-9796 (SMS Only)

Sometimes I wonder if it is the same people on Nairaland that are on Facebook.

Sometime ago, I published the first part of this note, where I basically dealt with the labels some ladies place on all guys just because of certain experiences they’ve had with a few guys in their lives. In this part I will be placing the spotlight on one particular quality that I personally believe most ladies are overlooking.

This world is still a man’s world. Always have, always will be. You may not like it. I particularly don’t like it. But, unfortunately, some things are outside our control. That’s just the way the world works. Accept it and move on. I always tell my students during every School for Personal Leadership session to focus on the things they can control and forget about things they cannot control. You may say it is debatable. But no matter how hard you try to fight it, when you go to bed tonight, you won’t need anybody to convince you that this world is still a man’s world.

Joseph, who is regarded as the earthly father of Jesus, had no part to play in the conception of Christ. But when the genealogy of Christ was traced, no mention was made about the lineage of Mary, the young lady who bore Jesus in her womb for nine months. Instead, it was the lineage of Joseph that was recorded. This world is still a man’s world. “Neither was man created for woman, but woman for man.” -1 Cor 11:9

As I write, I am in my early thirties, and I am single. Partly because of my own doing, partly not, but that is another story. However, when I go to bed tonight, the question, “When will I get married?” will not bother me. Why? Because I am a man. I know I will get married, and hopefully, soon. I wish I could say the same for a lady who is same age as I am. It may seem like a spite on ladies, but it is not. It is just a statement of fact.

So, whenever I hear decent ladies say they are the ripe mango fruit at the top of the tree and only someone who knows their worth can get to them, I feel like throwing up. Are you serious? Of all metaphors to choose from is that your best? A ripe mango fruit at the top of the tree? As far as I am concerned, that is the perfect description for pride. And that is why ripe mango fruits at the top of the tree get eaten by birds. Because they are too high up there.

Why should I want to climb a mango tree full of mangoes to get to the top mango fruit and risk losing my life by falling off a branch when lots of mangoes are on the lower branches close to earth? Is there a difference between the taste of the mango fruit that is “down to earth” and that of the mango fruit that is high up in the heavens?

And talking about being “down to earth,” every man knows the qualities that make him regard a woman as being “down to earth” are the qualities of humility and respect. And those are the qualities that are fast becoming scarce these days, which means more and more mangoes are now at the top of the tree. Is anybody thinking with me?

Ladies, listen, “Respect” is food for men. I will say that again. “Respect” is food for men. Even your four year old son wants you to respect him like a man. And respect is not what you give to a man after he marries you. It is how you treat him before he marries you. Did I remember to tell you that “Respect” is food for men?

Now, let me speak for myself. If there were only two ladies left on the face of the earth for me to choose from and one is a virgin, while the other is a prostitute. I will rather marry the prostitute who respects me than marry a virgin who disrespects me, all other qualities being the same. Now, I don’t pray for that scenario to play out but if it comes to that, that will be my decision.

So, to all you ladies, flaunting virginity updates on your wall, know that as much as men would love to marry a virgin, it is not at the very top of their list. Are you beginning to see why many of those “runs” babes that were your classmates back in school are married and many of the “decent” ones are not? Just because you are a decent girl does not mean you know how to make a man feel like the man. Many of those “runs” babes know this. I know some ladies may feel I am encouraging promiscuity. For the record, I am not. I am just stating the obvious.

Am I saying you should be the one paying his rent or go to his house to do the laundry? No! I personally don’t encourage ladies to go that far with guys they are not married to, but then it is your relationship, not mine. But from the simple everyday conversation you have, a guy will know whether you respect him or not. How do you speak to him? How do you make him feel when he is around you? How do you answer his calls?

I know you have read all the relationship articles where the writer says when the man creates a palace for the woman then the woman will treat him like a king. Well, that is true. However, you are focusing on something that is outside your control. If you are waiting for him to first build a palace for you before you treat him like a king, you may never become his queen. I say focus on what you can control. Treat him like a king now, and I promise you, he will do everything possible to create a palace for you. Every man wants to go back home to a woman who treats him like a king.

The one whom Jesus loves,
Mute Efe,
Twitter: @mute_efe
www.facebook.com/mutehimself
+234-803-874-9796

N.B
To register for the January, 2013, session of School for Personal Leadership that holds on facebook, first add Mute Efe as your friend on facebook, then text SPL*Surname*First Name*Sex*State of Residence*Country of Residence*Email Address*GSM Number to +234-803-874-9796. Payment details will be sent to you almost immediately. NGN5,000 Only (US$35). No exams, no certificates. What you learn is what you take away. Registration ends December 31st.

Once in a while I like discussing with an intelligent person so I discuss with myself. I discuss with myself a lot. I have actually thought of writing one of my conversations with myself. (Does anyone still remember Conversation With Esther?) But I couldn’t figure out how I was going to differentiate between me and me. Secondly, I was like, Nah! These guys are gonna think I am a crazy.

Today, however, was one of such times when I had one of such conversations with myself. And NO! I am not going to write out the conversation I had with myself. What I am going to do is tell you what I learned after the conversation.

The question was, “How do I do more?” How can I achieve more? Reach out to more? Attain greater heights that will enable me make more impacts in the lives of people and give me the kind of influence and affluence that I desire? And the answer was “GRACE”. Grace makes great. Grace makes the difference between one person and the other. Paul said, “But by the grace of God I am what I am.” -1 Cor 15:10.

Then the next question was, “Okay, we’ve actually heard that like a “megazillion” times. Hard work does not make great. Effort does not make great. Even though we are encouraged to work hard and exercise effort at whatever we do. But the core ingredient that makes the difference is grace. So, I think the right question should be how do I get to increase the measure of grace in my life?

Now this is the part where we go, “Are we about to go ‘spiritual’ here? Are we about to hear another sermon? Or are you really going somewhere with this?” Hush! I am going somewhere.

Now I am thinking, if hardwork does not make great and only grace and grace alone makes great, then there has got to be a way of increasing the measure of grace in my life. Now, that would make sense, wouldn’t it?

Everything I have done in my life up until now has been the result of the grace of God over my life. So if I am really going to do more than I have done before and greatness is measured by how much you have done that added value to others, then I have got to find a way of increasing the grace over my life so when grace increases I can do more and as I do more I become reckoned with as a great person.

Then the answer suddenly came. I found it in 2 Pet 1:2. “Grace and peace be multiplied to you through the knowledge of God, and of Jesus our Lord.” Wait a minute! Did it just say “multiplied”? Yes it did! Grace can be multiplied. And when anything multiplies, it increases. But multiplied, how? Through the knowledge of Jesus.

As my knowledge of Christ increases, grace increases. And as grace increases, results in what I do also increases because grace is favor. Now, how does that affect my everyday life? In what practical ways can I experience this?

I believe in data. I was trained in the corporate world to back whatever I present with data. And that is what I am going to do here. Today, I teach. I teach personal leadership online, using the Facebook platform and it is not free. The average fee per session is NGN5,000. I don’t pastor a church where my result is measure by the number of people who come for service and give their lives to Christ. I teach and am paid to do it so my result is measured by the number of people who have actually paid to participate in my school where there are no exams and no certificates will be given to anyone at the end of the school.

As at my last count over eighty persons have participated in the school which has held only six sessions and is less than a year old. In fact, the sixth session is currently going on as I write this. I know eighty may seem small when compared to the number of people that turn out to attend those one day seminars held all over town and held for free. It’s a whole different ball game when people have to pay to participate. (A friend was just telling me yesterday how she went for a public speaking seminar that Olakunle Sorinyan was the guest speaker. And after publicity and renting of venue only four people paid to attend.)

Now, grace is what made me do that. Grace is what has made people residing in five out of the six continents of this world to have participated in my class right here on facebook. And you know how grace did that? Through the knowledge that these people saw exhibited when they read my notes. As my knowledge increased, grace increased. And as grace increased, results increased. That is why people who don’t know what I look like will send money from half way around the world to participate in my class four weeks before the class begins. And I have not even started yet.

Grace increases as knowledge of Christ increases. And as your knowledge of Christ increases you begin to find it easier to put things in proper perspective and you no longer struggle to get results. And knowledge is “becoming more”. If you want to do more, first be more. Being precedes doing. This is where I have a problem with the next generation. By that I mean those between the ages of eighteen and twenty-five. In fact, I can even say anyone below the age of thirty.

A lot of those in that age bracket, not everyone though, but quite a lot, have a very strong desire to do more and achieve more, which is good. But they don’t have a commensurate desire to be more: to learn more, become more, so they can do more. Zeal without knowledge is stupidity. It is an unguided missile. No trajectory.

You see, creativity comes naturally, discipline does not. You have to be deliberate to be disciplined. Sit your butts down and learn. Learn something useful. Five years from now "Azonto" is not going to mean anything. "Swag" is not going to mean anything. Only what you learn now will count. To do more you must first be more. And you become more as your knowledge increases.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying you should not have fun or that you should not play music. I love the music industry in Nigeria, I am glad at what is happening there. Better quality of music videos, better beats, etc., even though I can’t say the same about the lyrics. What I am saying is what late Stephen Covey said, “First things first.” When you do last what you should have done first don’t expect the result to be the same anymore.

The one whom Jesus loves,
Mute Efe
+234-803-874-9796 (SMS Only)
www.facebook.com/mutehimself

N.B

To register for the Special Weekend Session of School for Personal Leadership that will hold on the 17th, 18th, 24th, and 25th November, 2012, first, add Mute Efe as your friend on facebook (www.facebook.com/mutehimself), then text SPL*Surname*First Name*Sex*State of Residence*Country of Residence*Email Address*GSM Number to +234-803-874-9796. NGN5,000 Only (US$35).

Payment details will be sent to you almost immediately.

ahika: Nice 1. I guess I have to establish that impeccable personality 'Zero or 100'

Thanks, ahika.

In several of my School for Personal Leadership (SPL) sessions, the subject of procrastination has always come up. “How can I stop procrastinating?” has become a reoccurring question in the school. So I have decided, in my own little way, to write a note on it and hopefully, one or two persons out there will benefit from it.

First. What is Procrastination? Procrastination is saying “I will do it later” more than once. Saying “I will do it later” is not necessarily procrastination but, when the “later” comes and you say “I will do it later” again, watch it, you are procrastinating and soon you will get burnt.

Second. Everyone procrastinates. Yeah!!! Isn’t that so stress-relieving? You are not the only one. There are seven billion others in the world who procrastinate as well. Wow! Now that high blood pressure can come down. It is amazing how a heavy weight on your shoulders is lifted off the moment you know others also experience the same thing. If you are reading this and you can tell me with absolute certainty that you don’t procrastinate, then you should kneel down, raise your hands, and close your eyes. Just kidding!

Okay, enough of the celebration. Just because everyone procrastinates does not make it a good thing or a habit to keep. I am sure you have been burnt several times because you procrastinated on a thing. I have. I am a certified safety professional (even though I don’t do anything with it) and I remember when I did the exams and was notified some weeks later that the results were out. I kept procrastinating on going to see what my scores were. Not until nine months later. Only to discover I failed one of the courses. My mates had checked their scores, re-sat for the exam, passed, and collected their certificates before I took my lazy ass to the center and discovered I failed one of the courses. Procrastination is a very expensive habit to maintain.

Third. How can I stop procrastinating? There are different approaches and techniques. And to a certain extent they all help. You just have to find the one that best suits you. You might want to google up “Overcoming Procrastination” and read up some of the techniques suggested. As for me, anyone who has passed through SPL will tell you that I don’t teach techniques. I am more into principles than techniques. Don’t get me wrong, I am not against techniques. I apply techniques when necessary but I don’t teach them. I believe it is better to find out why you have the headache than just walking into a patent medicine store to get Panadol extra extra. Yes, the headache may disappear, but only for a while. But when you realize that you have the headache because you have been on overdrive for the past couple of days, then all you have to do is step on the brakes and rest. You may still need to take the Panadol extra extra, only this time you are also addressing the root cause.

So, why do we procrastinate?

1. The task is so humongous we just don’t know where to begin
2. The task is so small we feel we can always do it at anytime
3. The pleasure of not doing it is greater than the pain of doing it.
4. The pain of doing it now is far greater than the pleasure.
5. Procrastination has become a habit. We have successfully programmed our minds with “I will do it later.”

Now, if you did the googling stuff I asked you to do earlier, you will find that different “Authorities” gave different techniques to solving the issue of procrastination. You will also find that there is no one technique to apply to all of the five reasons why we procrastinate. So, what do you do? You fall back to the underlying principle. Procrastination is bad. Period! It is the offshoot of a lack of self control. Irrespective of the reasons, what is bad is bad.

So, is that all? Yes, that is all. Too simple, isn’t it? Well, any of my students will tell you I don’t teach anything complex in SPL. God actually made life simple. It’s man who made life complex. Some of you must have been expecting one high-sounding, mind-boggling, heart-shaking, five sentence paragraph on what the principle is. Sorry to disappoint you.

“Go and dip yourself in the River Jordan seven times and you shall be made whole.” What was the response? “It can’t be true. It can’t be that easy. I thought he’d personally come out and meet me. I expected him to come and shake his hands over me and call on the name of his God twenty-one times, and then I will be healed.” And that is the way we still think to this day. If it is not complex we don’t believe it will work. So we gather where spiritual acrobatics are taking place thinking that is where the power is. Trust me; it’s not in the noise.

The moment you can program yourself to believe that procrastination is bad, dealing with those five reasons listed above will no longer be a problem.

1. If the task is humongous you split it into several parts and start from one part till you work your way through because procrastinating is not good.
2. If the task is too small you just say, “What the heck, let me just get done with this and move on to something else.” Because procrastinating is not good.
3. If the pleasure of not doing it is greater than the pain of doing it, you tell yourself it’s not about the pain or pleasure, it’s about getting the task done because it needs to be done. Because procrastinating is not good.
4. If the pain of doing it now is far greater than the pleasure of doing it, you tell yourself the same thing. It’s not about the pain or pleasure, it’s about getting the task done because it needs to be done. Because procrastinating is not good.
5. If you already have procrastination as a habit you tell yourself, "Now I know procrastination is bad and I have got to stop this habit by beginning to get things done when I am supposed to because procrastinating is not good."

Now, you see, you were applying the various techniques for the various classes but you were applying them from a principle perspective. When you work from a principle perspective you will not even need anyone to teach you the techniques. Just by asking the right questions the answers will come. That is why I take my time to teach my students during SPL sessions principles that will make them lead better lives for the right reasons.

I hope I have been able to help one or two persons with this note? If I have, why not let me know by leaving a comment or sending an SMS. It will be nice to hear from you. And if you will like to know more on these principles that I teach, enroll for the next session of School for Personal Leadership which holds on Facebook.

The one whom Jesus loves,
Mute Efe,
+234-803-874-9796.
www.facebook.com/mutehimself

The last time I wrote a note was about three months ago. I have been going through some tough challenges that even though I had inspirations to write I just could not get down to it. The months when standard School for Personal Leadership (SPL) sessions hold are usually my thinking, reading, and writing months; the months when I sharpen the saw. I cease from all other regular Facebook activities like updating my wall, sharing my notes with others, or chatting with people. I just focus on adding value to my students at SPL and developing myself.

This month, October, 2012, it’s already two weeks into the four week session and I have still not sat down to write any new note, at least not until now. As at my last count I already had over thirty titles to write about but getting down to actually do the writing was another story. It was like I had been in a dark cloud. But at least I have been doing some thinking and reading. In the past four days I have bought five new books making it a total of ten books that I have gotten in the last few weeks.

Tonight, however, I couldn’t sleep. A select team of individuals and I are on the verge of birthing something big. A dream I have had for almost a decade now; precisely eight years: A dream of something revolutionary that has caused me to swim against the currents for the past three years of my life.

Yes, it has finally come down to the most critical moments of this phase of my life. And as God would have it He made sure He took the ball away from my hands and gave it to a team of people so when it is birthed I won’t have any glory in it. Quite weird that after six thousand years He still does not want to share His glory with anyone. Just when it comes to the final moment the ball is no longer in my court.

So, throughout the day, I have been doing some retrospective thinking. What kept me up these past eight years of my life so much so that I was willing, ready, and did turn my back on the so many good and enticing things of life that my peers have gone for and the society naturally expect from me? Why did I not opt for the normal curve of graduating, working a little, getting married, and having kids? Isn’t that what the society wants? Why did I choose this curve that only a very few people ever dare and even much fewer get to see the light of day in it? Why this? Why that? And even while trying to sleep some hours ago my mind kept working.

Then the answer came to me. It came in a flash. I have always had the “Zero or 100” mentality. If I fail let me fail big and when I succeed I will succeed big, also. I am not going to settle for the “somewhere around” mindset. I am going all the way; either that or I die trying.

You see, when you have the “Zero or 100” mindset life takes on a different meaning for you. It’s like refining gold. The impurities have no other options than to fall off for nobody wants an “almost pure” gold. However, the process is not an easy one. It’s like water flowing up-hill. It’s swimming against the currents. Going through the refiner’s fire is not exactly “a walk in the park.” The good part though is that the refiner Himself is there with you so that you don’t stay a second longer than is necessary.

When you have the “Zero or 100” mindset you don’t pursue your dreams, your dreams pursue you. Mediocrity nauseates you. You become nauseous when you come across people with the mediocre mindset because you don’t do things halfheartedly; you throw your entire being into whatever you do. It’s either all or nothing.

So, about three months after I wrote my last note I got out of bed just before midnight to put down these thoughts. The next few months are going to be critical for me. The ball is not completely in my hands anymore. It is now in the hands of some people I have never even met face to face, but who have proven that they also have the “Zero or 100” mindset. For they have also taken some bold steps that only a few people take in their lifetimes.

I may not know how every moment of my life will turn out, but I do know one thing; I am very certain that at the end I win. I know how my story ends. For all things work together for good to them that love God. I may see neither wind nor rain but this valley shall be filled with pools of water. After I have suffered a little while, He will restore, support, and strengthen me, and He will place me on a firm foundation. But for now, it is either Zero or 100. Ninety-nine is not good enough.

The one whom Jesus loves,
Mute Efe.
+234-803-874-9796.
www.facebook.com/mutehimself

imparable7: Hmmm

Why "hmm"?

gree-die:
My younger bro is always doing things 4 me and i always take it as his duty, but i said thank you to him now and he was happy and i was happier...

Thanks Efe for all ur beautiful write-ups... Always enlightening nd makes me view tins from a diff angle

Actually, my name is Mute (mu-te). Efe is my surname. Thanks for the appreciation. I'm very glad you found the note helpful.

Once in a while, when chatting with someone, I could just give them two titles of notes I intend to write about and ask them to take a pick on the one they would like to read first. Whichever title they choose becomes the next note I write about and publish. So, I was chatting with a friend and asked her to choose between two titles. She chose “Not On My Watch.” As at the time of chatting with her I had not really meditated on any of the titles. The titles had only come to me. After she chose “Not On My Watch” I decided to meditate on it and come up with a structure for the note. Then the strangest thing happened to me. When the title opened up to me what I was seeing was a prose and a poem at the same time. Five seconds I will be seeing a prose, three seconds later I will be seeing a poem. That was how this tennis match was going on in my mind. So this note is going to be written in a style I have never used before. I don’t know what to call it, so just bear with me.

How can you say you love me if you only speak to me when the food is bad?
How can you say you love me if I only hear your voice when I broke a plate?
How can you say you love me if you never notice me when I do right?
How can you say you love me if all I keep getting from you are negative feedbacks?

I know that if I were to ask you right now when was the last time you told that cleaner at the office, that office assistant, that junior colleague of yours, ‘good job’ for a job well done, you are most likely to have forgotten. But if I asked you when was the last time you reprimanded them for doing something wrong you definitely remember because it was today. She forgot to arrange the files properly; you noticed it and reprimanded her. He forgot to clean a portion of your desk; you noticed it and gave him a lashing with your tongue. The coffee spilled a little while he was offering it to you; you made him realize how incompetent he was. Why do we do these? Why are we quick to spot out the wrong but shut out the right? You perform better when you get a thumb-up. Why do you think that junior colleague of yours will perform better if you always give him a ‘Thumb-down’?

Our kids no longer know how to affirm one another.
Our youths no longer know how to give the elderly a helping hand.
Our parents no longer know how to tell themselves ‘I love you.’
We are all waiting for when something will go wrong.

I have been criticized severally for asking people to place comments on my notes after reading them and positive ones if possible. They think I am demanding too much. That maybe I have Attention Deficit Disorder. But must you wait till I die before you give that beautiful speech? “Oh, how he touched me with his notes.” You’d say. Why not say it to me now while I am still alive to hear them? Moreover, that is just the secondary reason why I encourage people to place encouraging comments. The primary reason is because it is good to commend people when they do the right thing. When you cultivate the habit of commending people, over time, it will spill to your everyday life. And when it does life becomes more beautiful. It becomes easier for you to love and be loved. When God says we should give thanks it is not because He needs it. It is for our own good. When I ask people to place comments, it is not because I, Mute, need it. It is because it is a good thing to do. But we are men. We are not ruled by instincts. We have the power to change and change we must.

Today, my husband told me he loves me.
Today, my boss gave me a thumb-up.
Today, my dad lifted me up in his arms and told me, “Well done.”
Today, I feel good. I will perform better.

I want to ask you to do me a favor. I don’t know where you are right now reading this note, maybe in the office or at home. I want you to pause for a moment, walk over to that cleaner, that office assistant, that junior colleague, even your boss. I want you to walk to your husband or your wife. I want you to walk over to your kid(s). Tell them you are sorry for never telling them ‘well done’ when they did right but was quick to reprimand them when they made mistakes. Tell your wife you are sorry for never saying thank you when the food was good. Tell your husband you are sorry for not saying thank you when he gave you the monthly home up-keep. Tell your kids you are sorry for not telling them ‘well done’ when they did the dishes. Tell them you want them to know that you appreciate them. And that, over all, you know they are doing a good job. Can you pause and do this now? Please.

Don’t try to continue reading. Get up and do it now, please.

Thank you. Now that you are back on your seat how do you feel? Don’t you feel light? Don’t you feel better? Isn’t the world a little bit more beautiful now? Now imagine if all of us were doing that.

This is your final assignment. Teach someone what you just learnt. And make it a deliberate effort to continue to give positive feedbacks. Even if you have to include it in your calendar, it is worth it. This nation will not collapse. Not on my watch!

The one whom Jesus loves,
Mute Efe,
+234-803-874-9796 (SMS only)
www.facebook.com/mutehimself

Beginning from October 1, 2012. School for Personal Leadership (SPL), an online school that holds on facebook will begin a four weeks online class on the principles of personal leadership to enable you live a life that is almost free of external influences. Two lectures per week, Mondays, and Thursdays, completely online, right on facebook. To enrol for this class, first add Mute Efe as a friend on facebook (www.facebook.com/mutehimself) then text SPL*SURNAME*FIRST NAME*SEX*STATE OF RESIDENCE*COUNTRY OF RESIDENCE*EMAIL ADDRESS*GSM NUMBER to +234-803-874-9796. Payment details will be sent almost immediately. Fee is N6,000. Registration ends Friday, 28. School opens Wednesday, 26. Lectures begin on Monday, October 1, 2012.

Cuddlemii:

Oh please,

Did you skip the part I was rudely addressed for putting up your write-up without changing your "was" to "were"? Did you see my reply?

I was also addressed rudely but I replied the handle respectfully teaching him how to criticize constructively.

The rules and regulation of this section also addresses constructive criticism. I make it my priority to state it everywhere on this section that members should criticize writers constructively.

What more do you want? You expect me to flog the members into adhering to constructive criticism? Learn to ignore the things that don't add value to your life and focus on what is positive/important.

Most posters/members/mods of this forum have been insulted or rudely addressed but they handled it maturely and didn't apportion blames on anyone. These things happen but never allow unknown people get to you. You are too brave for that!

Cuddlemii,
I observed everything in silence while it happened. There is nothing grammatically wrong with I Wish I Was A Lady. I kept quiet becos both forms are correct. 'I wish I was' and 'I wish I were' are both correct. In fact, in British English, 'I wish I was' is the correct form. It is American English that uses 'I wish I were.'

You can confirm in the Oxford Advanced Learner's Dictionary, 7th Edition. Look up the word 'Wish' on page 1689 and you will find that I am correct.

So, please, next time when someone places such comment about wrong English usage, try to do a thorough check before effecting such corrections.

Cuddlemii:


You just exhibited a weakness.

Everyone would interpret and misinterpret your work, that is what makes you a writer.

What you should have done was tell your own side of the write-up- explain what you meant/your intention was in a comment.

You can't force your critics to see things with your own eyes, let them see it with theirs and let your expression expose every reader to all possibilities. That is the beauty of literature, one word can open doors to so many meanings.

You've written well, leave your readers to explore it.

Cuddlemii,
What I am talking about has nothing to do with criticism. In fact to be a good critic, one needs to have proper comprehension of the article. And there is a difference btw criticizing an article and insulting the writer of the article. Where is civility if we cannot stick to issues.

And as a moderator this act of insulting writers is one of the things you should address. The fact that I don't agree with the content of your article is not an excuse for me to be insulting you, but that is what is prevalent here and I am yet to see you really address that.

I Wish I Were A Lady was not written in codes. Anyone who really read it till the end should be able to comprehend it, but I guess some pple just want to read their own comments so they read the title of an article and rush to place a comment. Whatever happened to the popular saying, "Never judge a book by its cover."? In this case, by its title.

Plz let's be civil and do things right. Criticize the article, don't insult the writer. Thanks.

NL, it will do us well if we read to comprehend instead of jumping into conclusions. I find it disheartening that of all more than forty responses to this article, less than five people really comprehended it. All other responses were just out of place.

snthesis: cant believe there are so many myopic ppl on NL
if u cant get the msg behind the piece- men! u need help

@OP
nice one!

@snthesis, thank you, thank you very much. To say I am surprised is an understatement. I have actually been thinking if there was something I did wrong in the piece. I am amazed that people cannot comprehend such a simple piece. We need serious help in this country and we need it fast.

gree-die:
Lovely, thought provoking as usual.... I enjoy readin ur write ups, both here nd on facebook. Kip up d good work.

Thanks, though I am like, "who exactly might this be on facebook?" Thanks all the same.

I wish I were a lady. So I could live my life by the rule 'If you have it then you can flaunt it.' Not minding if it has any significant impact on the lives of men who have been designed to be attracted to what they see. It is my life so I can live it the way I choose.

I wish I were a lady. So I could wear tight fitting pants with tops that barely go below my waistline. So I could show the world the curves of my hips and how good looking the shape of my legs are. It is not my business if I am too hot for you to handle. If I am too tempting for you, then take your eyes off of me.

I wish I were a lady. With well shaped breasts that can I display for the world to see. I just love what I see in the mirror with low neckline dresses that allows the top part of my breasts protrude out of the dress. God gave me this beauty. What is wrong with showing the world?

I wish I were a lady. So I could walk the streets during the day scantily clad. So I could show off all the beauty I have been endowed with, both in front and behind. I don’t care if later at night a hundred men are having sex with me in their imaginations. That’s their business. For all I care I am still a virgin.

I wish I were a lady. So I could go to church with sleeveless tops and well exposed cleavage. So when I lift up my holy hands, the sides of my breasts can be exposed for all to see. I’ll just be in the spirit and speak in tongues. I don’t care if the guy beside me has his tongue tied because of what he is seeing.

I wish I were a lady. So I can innocently dress seductively. So I can cause the heads of men with their wives in the car to turn around as they drive past me. It does not matter if that would lead to a serious one on one session between the man and his wife. After all, I was innocently dressed.

I wish I were a lady. So when I am in my boss’ office to drop the files on his desk, I’ll just bend a little bit more than is necessary. So he can have a glimpse of my round and full breasts. Who knows, what happens next might just earn me that promotion that I so desperately need. I’ve got to use what I have to get what I want. It’s an age old formula that always works.

I wish I were a lady. So when I come across a guy that I like I’ll just accidentally drop my pen. So as I bend to pick it up, he’ll get to see that my breasts are real and not padded. I’ll pretend I don’t know that as a lady I am supposed to bend with my knees and not my waist.

I wish I were a lady. So I could be on the pages and cover pages of magazines with revealing undies. It’s awesome to see all the camera lights flashing during the photo shoots. It feels good to be a superstar. It does not matter if any man tears off my picture from the magazine and pastes it on his wall so he can use it to fantasize about dirty things he wished he could do with me.

I wish I were a lady. So I could live life by the rule, 'If you have it then you can flaunt it.' It does not matter how many men end up in hell because I showed them a little bit more than they could handle. And what they did with the thoughts of that little extra sent them to hell.

But now I am a guy. So I guess I’ll just have to find a way to deal with all of these ‘nonsenses’ till my time on earth is over.

The one whom Jesus loves,
Mute Efe,
www.facebook.com/mutehimself
+234-803-874-9796 (SMS Only)

Mediocrity is a disease; a plague that is infesting a lot of people much more than any other disease ever known to man. In a world where sex is fast becoming the cheapest commodity, I am beginning to think that mediocrity is even cheaper than sex. This disease called mediocrity has infected a lot of people but they just don’t know because they don’t know the signs. The objective of this note is to make us become aware of this disease and offer possible remedies towards getting cured of the disease.

Mediocrity is a disease of the mind and because the mind is the power house of the human system, once it is infected with the disease, it reflects on everything the person does, but he or she does not recognize it as it becomes their default state. The person develops a mediocre mindset that takes a toll in every area of the person’s life for as a man thinketh in his heart so is he.

The mediocre mind believes everything is okay the way it is. He does not see any need to improve on what is, “After all life is short,” he says to himself, “why bother?” If the world had been filled with only people with mediocre minds since creation we would still have leaves around our loins. But thank God there have always been a few who don’t settle for average. Once mediocrity takes a hold on the mind of any person, it begins to affect his vision, his language, his choices, and ultimately his acts.

In his vision he begins to see through dark colored lenses. Things become very dark in his eyes that he finds it hard to believe that lighting a candle will ever make any difference. “The world is evil, there is nothing we can do about it anymore.” He convinces himself. It’s because of the dark colored lens through which he sees. He forgets that just last week someone forgot a Blackberry Torch in a cab and the cab driver returned the phone to the person. For the mediocre mind such acts are too insignificant to count.

Spend some time with the mediocre mind and what you will hear is, “I work with an oil firm, I earn a good pay, have a beautiful wife, live in nice apartment and drive a good car. That is enough for me.” All he is concerned about is how to maintain his present status for the rest of his life. He has no plan to reach for more neither does he have any plan to affect the lives of other people and make them better. He has not been called to solve the problems of this world; his is more than enough for him.

When the mediocre mind has to choose between two options he looks for the easier of the two. He is always aiming for the minimum requirement. “Half bread is better than none.” He says to himself. He goes for the half bread because it is free. He does not know that with just a little bit of effort he could actually have learnt how to bake all by himself and will no longer be looking for hand-outs. He does not want any inconvenience, “Anytime I wake up is my morning,” you will always hear him say. So he waits till he is 60 before he starts going after goals his mates achieved when they were in their 40’s.

If you are of the mediocre mind this is your future: You have none. Yes, you have no future. The world does not have a place for mediocre minds. The mediocre mind only exists, he does not live. And people who just exist don’t have a future. Their names will never be remembered because all their lives they were spectators. They never got into the ring. And spectators don’t win trophies. It would have been better if the mediocre mind had never been born.

But all hope is not lost, this is the good news. When people know better, they do better. You can still be cured of that disease. You can fight your way out. You can still make a difference. You need to understand that the man who starts at step zero and dies at step three is far better than the man who started at step five and dies at step five. Excellence is not a destination; it is a journey of continuous improvement. And that is the decision you must make today.

You must stop thinking the way the world thinks. You must stop seeing things the way the world sees things. You must stop talking the way the world talks and stop making decisions based on the value system of this world. The crowd always want you to go with them but they are not going anywhere themselves.

The beautiful part of this journey is that the starting line is right where you are. Start where you are with what you have. All you have to do is believe. Believe that things can be different and they will. Take a look around you right now; everything you see came to be because someone believed that it was possible. That mindset created everything you see around you.

Remember, those who accept things the way they are will never be remembered because they have the mediocre mind. Don’t be one of them.

The one whom Jesus loves,
Mute Efe,
+234-803-874-9796 (SMS Only)
www.facebook.com/mutehimself

N.B
A special weekend session of School for Personal Leadership (SPL) will hold during the last two weekends of the month of August, 2012, Saturdays and Sundays. To participate, first, add me as friend on facebook, the class holds online on facebook. Then text WSPL*Surname*First Name*Sex*Name of Institution or Occupation (if working)*State of Residence*Country of Residence*Email Address*GSM Number to +234-803-874-9796. Please go to my timeline to read the full details about the school. Fee is N3,750 if you reside in Nigeria and US$30 if you reside outside Nigeria. Registration ends on the 17th of August. In SPL, there are no exams and no certificates, what you learn is what you take away.

Step-G:
hmm

Jstmee99,
Which one is this poem that you keep repeating?

TemiBalrog: Lol! Don't have a facebook account... Thanx for the comment though!

#Crying# What? You need to sign up on facebook immediately. You are robbing people off great notes like this one. Plz sign up immediately. You can get me on facebook at www.facebook.com/mutehimself pleeeaaassseee.

@op,
Babe, this is one very good write-up. Please how can I find you on facebook.

ayobase:
@OP
Thanks very much...like the best piece Im reading from NL lately.
A word is enough for the wise!

Thank you Ayo. That really meant a lot. You can read more of my articles on my facebook page, www.facebook.com/mutehimself
Thanks.

shilling: Thanks OP

You are welcome.

double3: Bla Bla Bla Bla...the only interesting part of this whole sorry z the pay a fee of 3750#..this man z nuthang but an office man.I know his type.

Double 3,
I think it really unfair that you reach such a strong inference just by reading a single article. Just because all the previous ladies you dated were gold diggers does not mean the next girl you meet will be one.

Why don't you go to my facebook page and do a background check on me. Read some other articles I've written, see the quality of my wallposts, then you will have enough data to make a logical conclusion. You don't have to be on my friends list to do that. And you won't be paying a dime also.

Thank you, Ron.