I thank God for my best friend, it has been so hard for her and yet our friendship has remained. Sometimes she gets hurt and cries but we talk openly about it. She once accused me of getting pregnant to site her.
With my last two kids i never told her till they were born. I wanted to save her the pain.

Poster,
You need to take control of the situation.
You are soon going to go into another stage in life being a family man, so you have to use this as a practical exam for future tests that will come up. A man needs to be in control of his house.
Remember your friend has control of his home, that is why he does not want to blemish it by bringing various girls there.
So too this is your home and you need to protect it because it is soon to house a wife and kids.
So no beating about the bush, you cannot compare what he is demanding of you now, with what he did for you. He helped you in your time of need. But he is not in need now, all he is doing is tainting your reputation and making you condone things that are absolutely immoral and unacceptable.
Just tell him at it is. Man I want to settle down and I have a junior brother, I cannot expose them to this type of life. Let him know that it is perfectly okay for him to bring one girl to your house but not several. That is a reasonable compromise.
Anyway just think about this- a man that has so little respect for your home , will soon be making asses at your girlfriend.
besides you can also tell him that you are taking the relationship with your gf to another level and need the key for her.
This is just a friend wait till the in laws start lining up

I guess she meant to use the word "consequent"
One has to be consequent with kids. Do you notice how smart kids are? When the are in public they try stunts they would never dare if they were at home. I always react the same way and i do not care who is watching.
I do not shout at toddlers but the tone in my voice becomes very firm and my facial expression changes. That way even when my face alone changes they know that something is wrong. However sometimes a spank just has to be. That however for me is only in dangerous situations where i know I have to get the message across for the safety of the child. But even that is a soft tap on the fingers or buttocks.
The issue of spanking children is controversial, but whatever it takes to instil discipline in a child has to be used even as a last option. However beating a child always means you have lost control of the situation. You have achieved only short term goals.
Basically with children you have to became a cracked record and keep repeating yourself , over and over again. I vertually torture my older kids with my long sermons
as regards the issue of feeding. I discovered that most kids that do not like baby food, love to eat on the table. When ever we eat I always have the little child with me and even at a very young age. I let them get a taste of the food.
Gosh all my toddlers loved Okro soup.

finance is a big time issue in many marriages. The reason is because both or one of them is not ready to make any compromises. A couple should be able to sit down and plan and not stick to their guns.
I have this issue with my husband too but when both come together it works out. However I must admit it was a long and gradual process because neither of us could totally concede to the other.
The problem is that I have this not too good relationship with money. Almost as if something compels me to part with it. Funnily I hardly invest on myself because I am a weird kind of person that does not demand much to make myself happy. But I keep giving it out. My husband on the contrary does his accounts like this is some kind of institution. Every cent has to be justified and accounted for. So he is very tight on the cash flow.
So we have scuttled through all constellations, from him being totally in control of the finances, to me being totally in control, to 50-50. Each time we drew up a contract in writing, which contained al the terms. How much was to go on feeding, pocket money etc. The list was quite detailed.
No one was completely satisfied but it functioned.
Today we are back to the first constellation. My husband is doing the accounts, which means i also handed over my bank card to him, so he is also in control of my money. It is working out much better now because he now tries to consider my own opinion. For instance I do not care how much cheaper the diapers are, for me it has to be pampers. My absolute priority is also that all children get their pocket money. You know how there are just one or two things you are particular about.
Basically what I am trying to say, is that one has to be real patient in a marriage and consider what the other partner is trying to put across.
It is hard for me to deal with these stringent measures my husband has put in place but it is ultimately in the interest of the family. He is the kind of man that sees most expenditures as an ego trip and totally irrelevant. Thats what you get when you marry a very conservative and religious man

I had three kids after the age of 40 and it was no problem.My last with 45.

OP CC  thank you bom boy is doing fine but totally spoilt already.
Awake = carry me.

in the western world one partners career also suffers when kids are born. It is the same everywhere. Even when both are working it is clear that one might have to stop or take less hours if the need arises. In fact in the western world women do not make it so often to the top and they also earn less than their male counterparts.

C.fours Mr. CC also helps in the house chores, CC NEVER SAID HE DID NOT. She just sees it as her responsibility and those are the traditional roles since creation.
You might be surprised that the husbands of slaves are themselves slaves. Since when did slaves marry free born. . So while the slavies are get things done some others are holding equal right sessions in their homes.

If I were a man I would never raise my hand to help a woman who is lazy and lousy at house chores. That would only encourage her to degenerate the more.

Tessybaby , some of my kids have been real hard nuts but you can get through.
One thing I learnt about kids is not to start what I cannot finish, because they are so smart.  So when I take an action I have to pull it through. That mean when i put the child on the bed, I HAVE TO HAVE THE NERVES AND MENTAL STRENGTH TO PULL IT THROUGH. If you take the child out half way, the child has not learnt from it. It is hard as a mother to pull such things through but it works.

MrbrowynJAY HAS SAID IT ALL!!!!!!
The first thing you need to do is expose this pastor.
When the can of worms is open, you will see what comes out.
As for honesty about such things. Very soon we will start sewing ourselves up to claim we are virgins
An honest woman in such things is the slut who never gets married.

Queensmith I have two professional qualifications - law and business.
Surprised
I am not a career woman because my family is priority. I would not take a job that is not compatible.
But work I do. The fact that you catch me here so often is because I have this six week old bundle on arms.

Oh i forgot to add, I was not raised to be a lawyer or doctor and then got so bitter because I could not achieve my parents goal, like some here.

Gosh I admire the patience and endurance of some mothers here. i would never carry a child that cries unnecessarily. I would simply deposit you on your bed and close the door. When the child realises it cannot achieve anything with tantrums it stops them very fast.
I do not believe in growing out of a phase but i rather tend to follow the nib it in the bud approach.

QUEENSMITH sometimes women can be so amazing.
A Career woman and I mean one that values her career, in the first place does not go marrying a man who is not compatible with her career. I know what kind of woman I am and how spontaneous I can get when it comes to such things so I made sure I married a man ho can accept me as I am. My husband has never stood in my way and God knows there were times i was working as much as 13 hours a day. However at that time my husband was back to school and had more time for the home.
My husband is reasonable enough to know my limitations and he helps me where he can. And yes I am not a feminist, I see no need to go get my car washed or tanked, what for? And you might find this hard to swallow, but I do see the house chores as my duty, so it`s simply about saying please and thank you. And yes I love being a slave to my husband Why not, its just one of the many roles I play as a wife and my husband is everything and more to me. He is my hold in my weakest times and my greatest strength and inspiration.

Daresh do not bring yourself down to her level, that is what she want and it will make her feel important.

Story-
A man at the beach hung his cloth on the door of a cabin. A naked mad man collected the cloths put them on and started running . The man chased him naked while shouting," CATCH THAT MAN HE IS MAD,

The issue of the man helping does not even arise.
A career woman that cannot manage or organise her husband

Daresh, please do not go belittling yourself by fighting this woman.
Have enough confidence in yourself and what you have put into your marriage and let her be.
You might get injured and besides you are setting a bad example for your kids.

Exactly with these aids you only need to be organised and not make unnecessary mess.

Cannot remember when last i had such a good laugh.
I think I have to stark stalking some people here- just to get my fair share of laughter

Tobiegal, I hope you realise that there is a difference between a working wife and a career wife. Most women who claim they are career mums or wife `s  are actually just working.

I certainly am not condemning mothers that work and certainly you cant always get a flexible job. I know how it i in lagos, worked there some years myself and had two kid, it was hard, especially the traffic  

Sagamite a woman that cannot cope with a career and a family is not a career woman.
A career woman can function under all conditions.

The way it looks, you hardly have an option.
It is normal in a family that sometimes the cash flow gets really tight because of one project or the other.
I am sure your husband will stand behind you. The important thing i that you also stand behind him in the future when he has his own projects.
Go ahead and reach for it

freschcvv, I completely agree with you.
I have over the year gone through different phases. Student and children, full- time um and children. art time work and at some stage house wife. I have come to realise that it is better to take the middle way of doing a part time job or being self employes, so that you can have flexible hours. You might be able to flog yourself for some years but at some stage or the other you might need to slow down your tempo.
And I ask is being a house wife not a career in itself that keeps you occupied 24 hours a day?
What career can be so fulfilling that you drag little tired toddlers or babies out of bend in the very early hours of the morning.
You drop them with a minder or institution, where they don`t even get their bums cleaned properly and most probably the hands are in gloves. Can you compare that with a mother who changes her child with love and affection?
When the little kids are hungry the food gets shoved into the mouth all under time constraints. What career can be more important, than picking your kid from school and wiping his tears when he got beaten by another kid or when he had a bad note. Just as important is it to hear their exciting stories. Do you know how kids love to see their mom at home and smell the warm food and get a hug and al that goes with it. When my kids get home after the meal, we always do something crazy like dancing or singing, today it was a tongue twister competition. This takes about half an hour but after that the kids are in a good mood.
And I ask is it not a career, going through the kids school work and supervising their homework and teaching them.  Then come the various activities they kid have, like football, choir, dancing et. Then the time needed to just maybe go for a work, or just laze around with them.
I really think that any woman that want to reduce the roles of a mother to mere- house wife or stay- at - home mum is certainly a far cry away from being a feminist. There are key function a mother has to lay in a family but today we have delegated these function t various governmental institutions, while we go to work to ay those institutions. Its madness really.
I at some stage did my calculation and realised that I was actually working for no gain.
When you work you send allot more money on your household because you cannot afford to go comparing prices. Sometimes you just do not have the strength to go to various shops. You buy food that is easy to refer, preferably just a shove in the oven meal. While at work, you go out with colleagues etc, that all costs money.
Then you need to pay for child- minding, possibly cleaning and also a private teacher. At the end of the day it is better to work less hours and do mot of those things yourself, rather than paying someone to give you these services.

^but I find african food much easier to cook, besides you can cook and freeze and it still i okay. I think you can hardly do that with other food.
Besid

Certainly most women know about family planning.

COOGER why blame it on the women. I think it is a mutual decision. But very often the couple is in search of a male child.

Any career woman that is married is a potential house wife. a time may come when you can no longer cope and have to take a time out to face the family. Alternatively the kids may require you attention, when they have special needs.

I agree with you dayokanku,  it is sad to see that we still have this inferiority complex when it come to whites, at least some people still do.

It still amazes me why some people have such prejudices about large families. I think it is a personal decision. I have a large family and it really is so wonderful.

Queensmith-no slave mothers. I hardly thin most of the women here have a problem coping with just a man.

You need to set him a clear signal that this action cannot be condoned.
As this is your first child it makes things easier. Move back to your parents house, at least till the child is born. After that you may want to give him one more chance.
Forgive yes BUT
forgiving without sanctions = condoning